Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (72 page)

Some of the best-known quotes in history weren’t said by the people they’re attributed to…and some weren’t even said at all!

L
ine:
“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

Supposedly Said By:
Harry Truman

Actually:
Although Truman decided to take credit for this saying in his autobiography, he didn’t coin the phrase. He was actually quoting his good friend and chief military aide, Major General Harry Vaughan.

Line:
“Say it ain’t so, Joe.”

Supposedly Said By:
A little boy to “Shoeless” Joe Jackson

Actually:
Baseball legend has it that when White Sox left fielder “Shoeless” Joe appeared to testify before the Grand Jury about his part in fixing the 1919 World Series, a heartbroken little boy gazed up at his hero and pleaded: “Say it ain’t so, Joe.” It never happened. The line was made up by a journalist.

Line:
“What’s good for General Motors is good for the country.”

Supposedly Said By:
Charles Wilson, former GM president and U.S. secretary of defense

Actually:
Wilson was misunderstood and misquoted. He really said: “For years I thought what was good for our country was good for General Motors—and vice versa.” Wilson was trying to say that GM wanted to look out for the American people and not just make a profit, but over time it has been corrupted to mean the reverse.

Line:
“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

Supposedly Said By:
Voltaire, French philosopher and author

Actually:
This saying first appeared over 100 years after Voltaire died. Using the pen name S. G. Tallentyre in her 1906 book
The Friends of Voltaire,
writer E. Beatrice Hall created this aphorism to paraphrase a section in one of Voltaire’s essays.

With enough training, an elephant can throw a baseball faster than a human can.

As The Peoples Court’s Doug Llewellyn might say, “If you’re naked and angry, don’t take matters into your own hands. Take ’em to court.”

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Two Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders, identified in court papers as Jane Doe #1 and Jane Doe #2

THE DEFENDANTS:
Twenty-three NFL teams who played games in Philadelphia between 1986 and 2000

THE LAWSUIT:
The cheerleaders claim that for 15 years, visiting teams spied on Eagles cheerleaders in their dressing room by peeking through cracks in walls and doorways and even drilling holes in walls.

“These players viewed the Eagles cheerleaders in various stages of undress, including in complete nudity, when preparing for showering,” the lawsuit alleges. “It was common knowledge among virtually the entire National Football League, while at the same time a carefully guarded secret, known only to the players and team employees.” The women seek $150,000 from each team for “invasion of privacy, trespass, and intentional infliction of emotional distress.”

THE VERDICT:
Pending.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Nicole Ferry, formerly an art major at the University of South Florida

THE DEFENDANT:
The University of South Florida

THE LAWSUIT:
In September 1999, Ferry attended a lecture on controversial art; one of the examples shown to the class was a suggestive photograph of a nude male posterior being embraced by female hands. Attending the lecture was optional—students were warned in advance that controversial art is controversial, and were told that they were free to skip class if they wanted to. Ferry attended the lecture anyway, was offended, and later filed a lawsuit against the school, alleging “sexual harassment.”

THE VERDICT:
USF settled the case for $25,000, but school officials insist the settlement is not an admission of wrongdoing. “For us as an institution, not to present that type of work would be something far more worthy of a lawsuit,” said a spokesperson.

Central Africa has the largest variety of animals dangerous to man. Ireland has the smallest.

More proof that crime doesn’t pay.

INDIANA—“An Indiana farmer was the victim of a cruel prank when he received a phone call from the ‘authorities,’ busting him for growing marijuana in his backyard. During the conversation, the man was told that if he brought the plant, roots and all to the station, charges would not be pressed. Believing the call to be real, he cut down the eight-foot plant and carried it into the lobby of the sheriff’s office. He was then placed into custody for suspected felony cultivation by surprised officers.”

—
Bizarre News

“A Tampa, Florida, burglar who decided to rob a 24-hour convenience store didn’t know the store was open 24 hours. He cut a hole in the roof, then fell through and onto the coffee pot just as a police officer was buying some coffee.”

—“
The Edge,”
The Oregonian

“Kidnappers who abducted Gildo dos Santos near his factory in a suburb of São Paulo, Brazil, demanded $690,000 in ransom, but Santos escaped. The next day, Santos got a phone call asking for $11,500 to defray the cost of the abduction. After negotiating a discount of 50%, Santos called police, who were waiting when Luiz Carlos Valerio showed up to collect payment.”

—
Dumb Crooks

“A Kwik-Fill gas station attendant in Syracuse, New York, stole $300 from the till, then tried to cover it up by calling police and reporting that the station had been robbed. His plan was foiled, however, when police asked him to describe the robber and he gave them a perfect description of himself.”

—
Syracuse Post-Standard

Most dangerous animal in Ireland: the bumblebee.

“Sherman Lee Parks of Arkansas escaped from jail on the day he was scheduled to be released. He was re-arrested and is now back in jail.”

—
FHM Magazine

“Andrew T. Burhop of Des Moines, Iowa, was arrested after robbing a bank in Muscatine. Police didn’t have much trouble finding the culprit, since Burhop’s getaway car had a vanity license plate, which read ‘Burhop.’”

—
Des Moines Register

“Constable Duncan Dixon, from Naskup, British Columbia, was called to a mischief in progress. A young male was witnessed spray-painting the roof of a gazebo.

“‘When I arrived, the witnesses pointed him out,’ says Dixon, but the alleged perpetrator denied it.

“‘I looked at his hands, which were covered in gold spray paint. I noted he had the cap to a spray paint can in his pocket.’

“‘He continued to insist that he wasn’t responsible. I also noticed his friends’ shoes were painted with, of course, gold paint. This wasn’t the biggest nail in the coffin of the young man: he had painted his name on the gazebo roof—first and last names.’”

—
The Valley Voice

“James Brian Kuenn, 40, on trial in Largo, Florida, for murder, said the victim’s death was accidental and that he was so embarrassed at the accident that he ‘made it look like murder to throw police off.’ Must have worked. He was convicted.”

—
Universal Press Syndicate

“Robbery suspect Denis Jesper, 20, was arrested at a Miami country club, where he had been hiding from police in a ficus tree next to the golf course. He revealed himself by calling out to a golfer who hit into the rough, ‘Hey, hey, your ball is over there.’ ”

—
Wacky News

Half of the members of the Rodeo Cowboys Assoc. have never worked on a ranch.

Canada: land of beautiful mountains, clear lakes, bustling cities…and some really weird news reports. Here are some of the oddest entries from BR1 member, Therese Morin.

Over the 2000 holiday season, officials in Edmonton, Alberta, tried to encourage motorists to obey the rules of the road by having police officers in unmarked cars find and reward the safest drivers in town. Traffic officers tailed drivers for as long as half an hour to determine if they were truly law-abiding, then pulled the puzzled motorists over and offered them a free steak dinner for two at “Tom Goodchild’s Moose Factory.”

Over a period of 13 years, Edmonton transit worker Salim Kara patiently built a fortune of $2.3 million (Canadian) by stealing coins from fare machines using a rod with a magnetized tip. No one suspected the 44-year-old delinquent until he purchased an $800,000 house on a yearly salary of $38,000. He was sentenced to four years in prison in 1996.

• In Tiverton, a tiny island community in Nova Scotia, “Outhouse” is the most common last name.

• In Quesnel, B.C., it’s still a legal requirement to have an outdoor out house, at least 20 feet (6 metres) from your house, but not more than 100 feet (30 metres). It has to be "fly tight", too.

Back in the 1980s the citizens of Desmond, Ontario needed to raise money to renovate their school. A raffle? A rummage sale? No, “Manurefest.” They filled 600 bags with manure and sold them for $3 each. Some were sheep manure (sold as “Ewedunnit”), some were cow manure, and some were a guinea fowl-hen blend. “Some of it,” says spokesman Henk Reininck, “was vintage—eight years old. And it don’t smell at all.” Manurefest has become an annual event. Next to the manure, they now sell baked goods.

In 1971 it rained in Chile’s Atacama Desert…for the first time since the 16th century.

Every January, residents of the small community of Manitou Springs, Saskatchewan get together to see who can fling their Christmas fruitcake the farthest. In the Great Fruitcake Toss, there are no rules; contestants can use catapults, slingshots, and even specially designed guns, but most prefer the “Olympic-style” discus throwing method.

It should be obvious to everyone, but in Ontario it’s illegal for motorized vehicles to have a television on the dashboard or the front seat.

The Yukon isn’t just the capital of the Klondike Gold Rush, it’s also the capital of Bathtub Racing. They’ve been doing it since 1992. Every August, “tubbers” race 5 by 3-ft regulation size bathtubs 480 miles from Whitehorse down the Yukon River to Dawson City. There’s another bathtub race in Nanaimo, B.C. The Loyal Nanaimo Bathtub Society has been holding a 36-mile race every July since 1967.

Canada has more doughnut shops per capita than any other country on earth—one for every 9,000 of its 30 million residents.

• It is legal for women to go topless in public in Ontario.

• In Oak Bay, British Columbia garbage crews don’t have to pick up your trash if it “oozes.”

• It’s against the law to have a toilet room smaller than 1 square meter (10 square feet) in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

In 1991, a GM assembly line foreman in Ontario, reprimanded a worker for having bad body odor. The worker complained to the Workers Compensation Tribunal about loss of appetite, lack of sleep, and sexual dysfunctions brought on by the foreman’s insensitive remarks. The Tribunal awarded him $3,000 for “job stress.”

What do turtles and honeybees have in common? They’re both deaf.

One last classic hoax for you to enjoy.

Background:
In 1913 thousands of people with the last name Drake received a letter from the “Sir Francis Drake Association,” an organization founded for the purpose of settling the estate of the legendary British buccaneer who had died 300 years earlier. The letter claimed that the estate was still tied up in probate court, and that since Drake’s death in 1596 the value had grown to an estimated $22 billion. Any Drake descendant who wanted a share of the estate was welcome—all they had to do was contribute toward the $2,500-a-week “legal expenses” needed to pursue the case. When the estate was settled, each contributor would be entitled to a proportional share. There was no time to waste—the fight was underway and any Drake descendant who hesitated risked being cut out entirely.