Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (14 page)

Athlete:
Greg Louganis

Event:
Diving (1988)

Story:
Louganis first competed in the 1976 Games at age 16, winning a silver medal in 10m platform diving. The U.S. boycotted the 1980 Games (held in the communist USSR), but Louganis returned in 1984 with record-setting scores in both the 10m platform dive and 3m springboard dive. Amazingly, he won the gold medal again in both events at the 1988 Games in South Korea with even better scores than before. But what really made Louganis famous was a slipup: During a dive in a preliminary round, he leapt off the board, did a midair flip, came back down…and smashed his head on the diving board. Louganis suffered a concussion, but still won the gold medal.

After:
Louganis retired from diving after the 1988 games and became a spokesman for several nonprofit groups, raising awareness of depression and domestic violence, both of which he’d suffered. In 1994 Louganis made news with the announcement that he was homosexual. The following year he wrote his autobiography,
Breaking the Surface
, a #1 bestseller for five weeks. The book created a controversy with the revelation that Louganis was HIV positive, and had been so during his Olympics accident—which had spilled some of his blood into the pool. (None of his competitors became infected as a result.) Since then, he’s been a TV announcer at diving events, acted in the Broadway play
Jeffrey
, and competed with his Jack Russell Terriers in dog agility competitions.

Ever had one of those moments when you realize, immediately after you’ve said something, that you just said exactly the wrong thing? It’s a terrible feeling. But when the CEO of a big company does it…it’s hilarious
.

T
HE £500 MILLION MAN
Founded in 1949, Ratners became one of Great Britain’s top jewelry chains by selling bargain-priced rings, watches, and glassware. Gerald Ratner was the company’s 42-year-old CEO in 1991, having joined the family business when he was 18. Under him, Ratners grew into one of Britain’s largest chains and acquired numerous other jewelry chains, including Kay Jewelers in the United States. Life was good for Gerald Ratner…until April 1991, when he gave a speech at the Institute of Directors (a kind of a CEO think tank) and said this:

“We do cut-glass sherry decanters complete with six glasses on a silver-plated tray, all for £4.95. People say, ‘How can you sell this for such a low price?’ I say, because it’s total crap.”

He went on to say that Ratners earrings were “cheaper than a prawn sandwich, but probably won’t last as long.” Ratner was obviously joking—and he didn’t know any media would be covering the event. But they were, and the speech was widely reported in the British media. The self-inflicted wound so damaged the Ratners brand name that in less than a year the company plunged in value from £1 billion to £500 million. Ratner was fired; the company changed its name to the Signet Group. Since then, when executives get caught saying something stupid about their own company, the corporate world has a special phrase to describe it: They’re said to be “doing a Ratner”—and it happens a lot.

RATNER
: Allen Roses, the vice president in charge of genetics for pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKline addressed a medical convention in 2003. “Over 90% of drugs only work on 30 to 50% of people,” he said. Media analysts pointed out Roses’ implication that most of GlaxoSmithKline’s products don’t work for most people.

RESULT
: The corporation responded that Roses’ remarks “were misinterpreted.”

RATNER
: Matt Barrett, the CEO of Barclays Bank, a British financial services company, was called to testify at a 2003 Parliament hearing about interest rates (Barclays was charging 17.9%—double that of their competitors). Barrett was asked if he himself uses credit cards. His answer: No, he doesn’t, because “it’s too expensive.” Not only does Barrett not use them, but he admitted that he actively warns his own family not to use them. “I have four young children. I give them advice not to pile up debts on their credit cards.”

RESULT
: Barrett was reprimanded by Barclays, right? No, he was promoted to chairman.

RATNER
: An Orlando man known only as “James” missed a concert in Atlanta because his Spirit Airlines flight was delayed. He wrote a letter to several Spirit employees asking to be reimbursed $377 for the cost of the flight, parking, hotel, and concert tickets. No one responded, so James wrote directly to CEO Ben Baldanza (and cc’ed his other contacts at the company). Seeing all the names on the e-mail, Baldanza assumed that it was an internal company memo and hit “reply all” with this message, which went to James: “We owe him nothing. Let him tell the world how bad we are. He will be back when we save him a penny.”

RESULT
: Despite a firestorm of bad publicity, Baldanza managed to remain head of Spirit Airlines.

RATNER
: Anders Dahlvig, the president of IKEA furniture stores, told the
Financial Times
in 2001 that one of its biggest corporate struggles was the “appalling service” at its stores on weekends.

RESULT
: Dahlvig quickly amended his remarks to say that he wasn’t criticizing the company—he meant that IKEA is so successful that it has crowded stores, which keeps its employees very busy.

RATNER
: In July 2001, David Shepherd, head of the suit manufacturer TopMan, gave an interview to the trade journal
Menswear
. The reporter asked Shepherd to describe TopMan’s customer base. Shepherd’s response: “Hooligans, or whatever. Very few of our customers have to wear suits for work. [Our suits] will be for his first interview or first court case.”

RESULT
: The company’s stock only dropped a few points, then rebounded. (Their customer base apparently wasn’t offended.)

“Don’t even think about skipping this page.” —Uncle John

“Don’t ask the barber whether you need a haircut.”

—
Daniel Greenberg

“Don’t take advice from people with missing fingers.”

—
Henry Beard

Don’t approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.

—
Yiddish proverb

“Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.”

—
Mark Twain

“Don’t stay in bed…unless you can make money in bed.”

—
George Burns

“Don’t do what you would undo if caught.”

—
Leah Arendt

“Don’t take any class where you have to read
Beowulf
.”

—
Woody Allen

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they’re always watching you.”

—
Robert Fulghum

“Don’t ever confuse the two—your life and your work.”

—
Anna Quindlen

“Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity.”

—
Ray Bradbury

“Don’t lose your head. It’s the best part of your body.”

—
Jimmy Snyder

“Don’t do what you want—do what you don’t want. Do the things that scare you the most.”

—
Chuck Palahniuk

“Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.”

—
Homer Simpson

“Don’t trust a sane person.”

—
Lyle Alzado

“Don’t ever write anything you don’t like yourself and if you do like it, don’t take anyone’s advice about changing it. They just don’t know.”

—
Raymond Chandler

“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.”

—
John Mason

It seems like the government intrudes into our lives more and more. Thank goodness there’s still one room in the house where you can shut the door and feel that your privacy is secure (for now, anyway)
.

W
AKE-UP CALL
In June 2008, police in Lakeville, Minnesota, walked into a house at 3 a.m., went upstairs to the homeowner’s bedroom, woke him up—and told him that he had left his front door unlocked and his garage door open. The officers had been walking the streets, putting notices on people’s doors reminding them to lock their doors so strangers couldn’t break into their houses…and just let themselves in when they found the door unlocked. The homeowner, Troy Molde, whose two sons were also in the house, was outraged, telling reporters that he felt violated. The officers said they were performing a “public service.”

On May 15, 2006, veteran ABC News reporters Richard Esposito and Brian Ross reported on ABC’s “The Blotter” Web site that they’d received a call from a senior federal law enforcement official. The official, who requested anonymity, said, “It’s time for you to get new cell phones, quick.” Why? The government was tracking their calls. The CIA and the FBI, the reporters said, were upset about stories they had done and were trying to determine if any of their sources were from inside either of the two organizations.

A 14-year-old girl was in court with her parents in Brownsville, Texas, in April 2008. The judge, Gustavo Garza, told the girl’s father, Daniel Zurita, that he was going to find the girl guilty of criminal truancy and fine her $500…unless Zurita spanked his daughter with a large, heavy paddle that the judge kept nearby—right there in the courtroom. Zurita thought he didn’t have a choice, so he hit the girl on the butt with the paddle. The judge told him he hadn’t hit her hard enough, so he paddled her again. The Zuritas later filed a lawsuit against the judge. (But another judge ruled that Garza was immune from lawsuits.)

In 2006 the United Kingdom instituted an “Automatic Number Plate Recognition” (ANPR) program, a massive surveillance system consisting of cameras on the nation’s roads. Cameras able to register the license plates of passing cars at the rate of one per second were placed every 400 yards on all of Britain’s major motor-ways. They record how fast the cars drive and whether the vehicles are registered. In addition, they can find people who are wanted by the law—and keep track of the driving habits of ordinary people who are driving perfectly legally. The ANPR includes the compilation of a “24x7 national vehicle movement database,” a log of the movement of every single vehicle on the U.K.’s major roads, which is kept in the database for two years (so they say).

In 2006 the University of Chicago performed a study that looked into reports of police abuse in the city. Findings: Between 2002 and 2004, more than 10,000 abuse claims had been filed by citizens against Chicago police officers, but only 19 had resulted in what the report called “meaningful disciplinary action,” meaning a suspension of at least seven days. Possible reason: Police abuse claims are investigated…by the police department. “If the CPD investigated civilian crime in the same way it investigates police abuse,” said law professor Craig Futterman, who headed the study, “they’d never solve a case.” Police spokesman Patrick Camden said, “We don’t respond to studies.”

An Italian court ruled in December 2007 that a couple in the city of Genoa had to change their 15-month-old son’s name from
Venerdi
, the Italian word for “Friday,” to “Gregory.” Italian law stipulates that odd names must be reported by city officials to the federal government, and they ruled that the name Venerdi was “ridiculous” and “shameful.” Why “Gregory?” Because the boy was born on the day of the Feast of St. Gregory. (Italy is 90 percent Catholic.) The parents later appealed the case—but lost. “My son was born Friday, baptized Friday, will call himself Friday, we will call him Friday, but when he gets older he will have to sign his name Gregory,” said the boy’s mother. “I am livid about this!”

All the latest from the news stream…

H
OUSTON, WE HAVE A
REALLY BIG
PROBLEM
What do the residents of the
International Space Station
do when their only toilet breaks? They improvise. Fortunately, it was only the urinal (the “#2” unit still worked). After the fan that sucks away the urine malfunctioned (Ewww!), the
ISS
team had to improvise a manual flushing system that took two crew-members about 10 minutes per flush to perform. Luckily, the Space Shuttle
Discovery
was only two weeks away from launching when the malfunction occurred in May 2008, so the new crew brought an extra pump unit along with them. When the toilet was finally fixed, the occupants were relieved. “Like any home anywhere, the importance of having a working bathroom is obvious,” said a NASA spokesman.