Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (15 page)

A Taiwanese car mechanic named Wang Chi-sheng was arrested after he was caught breaking into a gas station bathroom to steal the automatic hands-free urinal sensor. He told the police that he had planned to use the sensor to “improve” his Mercedes-Benz. According to press reports, the officers laughed at him. And just in case anyone else wants to try the same thing, a Mercedes official stated that “the probability of successfully using a sensor from a public urinal to replace special factory-made sensors is zero.” He added that an improperly installed urinal sensor could—in the worst-case scenario—cause the car to explode.

According to complaints made to their union, 25 male field technicians for Qwest, a telecommunications company in the western United States, were told by a supervisor in Montrose, Colorado, to bring “urine bags” out to the job to cut down on “lengthy bathroom breaks” (the workers generally go all the way back to the garage to do their business). The union claims the workers were ordered to use the bags; the company counters that there’s no set
policy—the bags are simply provided for the workers’ convenience, should they need them.

When the euro took over as Europe’s official currency in 2002, many people believed—incorrectly—that their old money would be worthless. A man in Berlin, Germany, believed it…and flushed 60,000 Deutsche marks down his toilet. When informed that he could have exchanged the cash for about 30,000 euros ($37,000 U.S.), the man (his name was withheld—wouldn’t you want yours withheld if you were him?) called the city public works department and begged them to retrieve his money for him. The workers had to go out to the man’s street anyway…because the sewer line was clogged with his money. After working for hours, they were able to pull some of the man’s cash from the sewage, which he then painstakingly dried and cleaned before exchanging it.

In February 2008, as a JetBlue red-eye flight from San Diego to New York was boarding, a standby passenger named Gokhan Mutlu was informed that the plane was full. But a flight attendant offered to let him sit in her assigned seat; she would sit in the “jump seat,” which folds down from the inside wall of the plane. So Mutlu settled into seat 2E and was happily on his way. But about 90 minutes in, the pilot called the dozing passenger to the front and informed him that the flight attendant was uncomfortable in the jump seat. She needed 2E. And because it was against regulations for a
passenger
to sit in the jump seat, Mutlu would have to sit in the bathroom…for the rest of the flight. Mutlu protested but (according to him) the captain said, “This is my plane, under my command, and you should be grateful for being on board.” (Mutlu also claimed that while they argued, the flight attendant sat in his seat pretending to be asleep.) So what could Mutlu do? He spent the remaining three hours in the bathroom, with no way to strap himself in during turbulence. As he was deplaning, he says the pilot told him, “I don’t think you appreciate what I did for you.” Mutlu replied, “You locked me in the bathroom.” To which the pilot said, “I brought you home.” At last report, Mutlu was suing JetBlue for $2 million.

Here’s one of our regular features—the origins of some common phrases
.

A
PPLE OF MY EYE
Meaning:
One’s beloved
Origin:
“It was once believed that the pupil was a vital spot in the human anatomy. Early healers thought it was apple-shaped, and so it became known as the ‘apple of the eye.’ Because the pupil was considered as vital as life itself, it became customary to call the object of one’s affection ‘the apple of my eye.’” (From
Common Phrases and Where They Come From
, by Myron Korach)

Meaning:
A lookalike or exact replica

Origin:
“Long ago the phrase referred to a son who looked so much like his father, it was said that the boy had been ‘spit from his father’s mouth.’ Over time, the expression was altered and modified to ‘spit and image’ and then to ‘spitting image.’” (From
Cat Got Your Tongue
, by Daniel J. Porter)

Meaning:
“What the heck?”

Origin:
“It has nothing to do with English novelist Charles Dickens—Shakespeare had made use of the phrase much earlier in
The Merry Wives of Windsor
. (Mrs. Page says of Falstaff, ‘I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.’) In those times the word ‘dickens’ was used in preference to ‘devil,’ which was considered impolite.” (From
Everyday Phrases
, by Neil Ewart)

Meaning:
Being facetious or knowingly ironic

Origin:
“A contemptuous gesture common from at least the 18th century involved poking your tongue in your cheek. But because it was impossible to understand someone who spoke with their tongue in their cheek, ‘to put one’s tongue’ in one’s cheek came to
mean ‘to speak insincerely.’” (From
The Real McCoy: The True Stories Behind Our Everyday Phrases
, by Georgia Hole)

Meaning:
To be in (what at least feels like) love

Origin:
“It’s a distortion of the French word
crèche
, meaning ‘crib.’ To be ‘in a
crèche
,’ or to ‘have one’s own
crèche
,’ in 17th century France, meant you were so smitten with love that you were as helpless and irresponsible as an infant, or were crib-bound.” (From
The Cat’s Pajamas
, by Tad Tuleja)

Meaning:
To improve, one must work hard

Origin:
“This dictum, long uttered by athletic coaches urging players to train harder, is far more ancient than most of them probably realize. Indeed, ‘Without pains, no gains,’ was in John Ray’s proverb collection of 1670. Some versions reinforce it by adding, ‘No sweat, no sweet.’” (From
Southpaws and Sunday Punches
, by Christine Ammer)

Meaning:
“Be quiet!”

Origin:
“In Britain’s Royal Navy, this was the last call of the day through the bosun’s pipe, a ship’s signaling whistle played by the bosun, or petty officer. There were numerous standard signals, and the one for lights-out and silence was called ‘pipe down.’ In ‘navalese’ the phrase became a forceful suggestion to the noisy or argumentative that they should shut up and be quiet.” (From
To Coin a Phrase
, by Edwin Radford and Alan Smith)

Meaning:
Verifiably accurate information

Origin:
“It has nothing to do with a horse speaking, of course. A horse’s age can more accurately be judged by looking at its teeth (which grow according to a strict system). So, if you were buying the horse, you would do better to look at the horse’s mouth than rely on any information about its age that the vendor might give you.” (From
Why Do We Say…
?, by Nigel Rees)

What’s the difference between good and evil? Proofreading. The following are excerpts from real church bulletins
.

“The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.”

“When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.”

“The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

“Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.”

“Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”

“There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.”

“Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.”

“The third verse of ‘Blessed Assurance’ will be sung without musical accomplishment.”

“The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’”

“The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.”

“The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.”

“The Sunday Night Men’s Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.”

“The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”

“Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!”

“Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”

Real—and really punny—names of restaurants in the U.S. and Europe
.

Snacks Fifth Avenue

Pony Espresso

Lawrence of Oregano

Pulp Kitchen

Wiener Take All

Chez When

Relish the Thought

Eaton Gogh

The Hearty Boys

Jonathan Livingston Seafood

Boogie Woogie Bagel Boy

Thai Foon

Ein Stein

Just for the Halibut

Grill from Ipanema

The Frying Dutchman

Syriandipity

Brew Ha Ha

Adams Rib

Crepevine

Barnum and Bagel

Latte Da

Sacred Chow

Miso Hapi

Debbie Does Donuts

Sea Señor

Seoul Man

Wok Around the Clock

What Ales You

The Wieners Circle

Brewed Awakenings

Legal Grounds

Aesop’s Tables

Men at Wok

Lord of the Fries

Dine One One

The Codfather

ThaiTanic

Mustard’s Last Stand

Custard’s Last Stand

Pizza the Action

Tequila Mockingbird

Franks for the Memories

Auntie Pastos

Lox, Stock and Bagel

Just Falafs

The Boston Sea Party

Peking Inn

Pizza My Heart

Nin Com Soup

Pita Pan

Marquis de Salade

“Gypsies,” or
Roma,
as many prefer to be called, are an ethnic group that originates from India, though for centuries Europeans assumed they were from Egypt (hence the name “gypsy,” from the latin word for “Egyptian”)
.
In the late 19th century a writer named Charles Godfrey Leland formed a group called the Gypsy Lore Society. Their mission: to collect Roma folklore before the pressures of the rapidly modernizing world caused them to disappear forever. Here’s a sample of the information they collected
.

H
EALTH TIPS
• How to Cure the Common Cold:
Take the dried, powdered lungs and livers of three frogs and stir them into a glass of alcohol (Uncle John recommends rum, tequila, or some other alcoholic spirit strong enough to mask the taste of the frog). Drink the alcohol, and when you’re finished, recite the following chant: “Frogs in my belly, devour what is bad! Frogs in my belly, show the evil the way out!”

•
Cure for a Fever:
Go to a stream or creek before sunrise and dig a hole in the bank, using a shovel that has never been used before. Pee into the hole; then fill it with dirt while saying, “Fever stay here! Do not come to me! Dry up in dust, come unto me when no water is in the river.”

• Cure for the Toothaches of Children:
Save whatever teeth fall out during your child’s seventh year. Then, whenever he or she has a toothache, throw one of the teeth into a stream to cure it.

•
Cure for Backaches:
“He who turns three somersaults at the first sound of a thunderstorm will be free from back pains for twelve months.”

• If you see a strand of human hair lying in your path, step over or around it but not on it! If the hair is from a lunatic, you too will go insane.

• To ensure an easy childbirth, put some red hair in a small pouch and wear it on the belly against the skin during pregnancy. The red hair brings good luck.