Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (57 page)

a)
They were stepbrothers: Hope’s dad married Canby’s mom.

b)
Both men were dead.

c)
Their first acting gig: co-stars in the same high school play.

3.
Actress Salma Hayek likes which of the following snacks?

a)
Half an Oreo and a Tic-Tac. “I don’t want to get fat,” she says.

b)
Stir-fried rabbit over noodles. “It’s good!” she insists.

c)
Bugs and guacamole on a tortilla. “They’re delicious!” she says.

4.
What odd event took place after Charlie Chaplin died in 1977?

a)
Kidnappers dug up his body and held it for ransom.

b)
At the moment of death, his famous derby hat turned to dust.

c)
The funeral home “lost” his ashes. They’ve never been found.

5.
“Professor Marvel,” a character in the 1939 film
The Wizard of Oz
, wore a coat that the wardrobe department bought at an LA thrift store. Who turned out to be the coat’s original owner?

a)
Abraham Lincoln

b)
Mark Twain

c)
L. Frank Baum, author of
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
(1900).

Per capita, the cities of Winnipeg and Calgary, Canada, drink the most Slurpees in the world.

THIS IS…UJNN

Introducing Uncle John’s News Network. We scour the globe looking for the strangest of the strange, the oddest of the odd
.

D
ateline: Brazil—EAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

August 2003—A local man named Valdemar Lopes de Moraes walked into a Monte Claros medical clinic to get treated for an earache. A few hours later he walked out (
slowly
)… with a vasectomy. What happened? When the nurses called another man named
Aldemar
Aparecido Rodrigues for his vasectomy,
Valdemar
thought that he’d been called. “Rodrigues was called by the full name, and yet de Moraes thought it was him,” the clinic’s manager Vanessa Guimaraes told reporters. “The strangest thing is that he asked no questions when the doctor started preparations in the area which had so little to do with his ear. He later explained that he thought it was an ear inflammation that got down to his testicles.”

Dateline: Japan—WE AIN’T LION, THAT STINKS!

August 2003—In an average month, trains operated by the West Japan Railway Company strike and kill ten deer who wander onto railroad tracks. So the railroad decided to test a new kind of deer repellent on the rails—lion poop. Lions are the deer’s natural enemy, the thinking went, so the smell of the predator would keep the deer away. In August the railroad scrapped the experiment. Not because it didn’t work, but because it worked
too
well—the poop kept the deer away, but it smelled so bad that it kept everything else away too, including local residents. “The track really did stink,” says railroad spokesperson Toshihiko Iwata. “We’re experimenting with more environmentally friendly methods now.”

Dateline: Australia—THAR SHE BLOWS!

August 2003—The Johnson family of Coventry, England, took a 10-day sailing vacation to Australia. But their trip came to a sudden end when a 10-ton, 30-foot-long humpback whale leapt out of the water and onto their 40-foot sailboat, damaging the rigging and pulling down the mast. “There was a hell of a crash as it leapt out of nowhere,” 61-year-old Trevor Johnson told reporters. The Johnson’s were 10 miles from shore when it happened, and the crash knocked out the ship’s radio. Luckily, they had a mobile phone with them and they were able to phone for help. “It’s amazing no one was hurt or killed,” Johnson says. Cost of chartering the boat for the 10-day trip: $238,000. (No word on whether the Johnsons got a refund.)

Laid end to end, the sticks from popsicles eaten in 2002 would circle the planet 3 times.

Dateline: Texas—EXTRA RETIREMENT INCOME

August 2003—a local man later identified as J.L. Hunter “Red” Rountree walked into a branch of the First American Bank in Abilene, handed a large envelope marked “robbery” to a teller, and told her to fill it with money. Moments later Red sped off in his 1996 Buick Regal with $2,000 in small bills. He didn’t get far: A witness took down his license number and called the police. Thirty minutes later police arrested Rountree over and recovered the money. So what makes this story so unusual? Rountree is 91 years old—believed to be the oldest bank robber in U.S. history. The First American job was his third heist in five years. Why rob banks? Red blames a bad experience he had with his own bank. “It forced me into bankruptcy,” he says. “I haven’t liked banks since.”

Dateline: England—CRANIAL CRIMINAL CRUSADER

August 2003—A burglar broke into Richard Morrison’s Liverpool apartment and began ransacking it—until he saw a big jar with a human head floating in it. The burglar went straight to the police and told them what he found. Police sped over to the apartment, kicked down the door and discovered that Morrison is an
artist
, not a psycho—the object in the jar was a mask he’d made from strips of bacon. The police apologized for the mix-up and promised to fix the door. Morrison says he’s not mad. “It’s a pretty macabre piece of work,” he admits. The burglar was charged with burglary.

Dateline: Czech Republic—PROUD FISHY

January 2002—In Tabor, a man broke into a pub at 4:00 a.m. to rob it. All was going well until a “Sing-n-Swing” wall-mounted fish with a motion-sensor started belting out Tina Turner’s version of “Proud Mary.” According to the pub’s owner, who lived next door, the plastic fish scared the would-be burglar away.

Only western countries with restrictions on marriage between cousins: the U.S. and Canada.

COYOTE RINGS THE WRONG BELL

Every year it happens—we’re less than 24 hours from going to press and Uncle John runs over to Jay’s desk and says, “Flying Flushes! We have to replace a 3-page article…hurry!” So Jay calmly goes to the ol’ folk tale bookshelf and finds one he likes
.

A
GE-OLD ADVERSARIES

In Mexico there are many tales about animals, but most of them are about Hare and Coyote. These two always argue and try to outwit each other; they are rivals in hunting and everything else. But since Coyote is much the stronger, Hare has to match his wits against Coyote’s strength.

Now, one day Hare finished a fine meal and lay down under a tree for his siesta. Sometimes he gazed up at the blue sky, and other times he just closed his eyes. Finally, after a while, Hare fell fast asleep.

Coyote came along very, very quietly, looking for Hare, for Coyote was hungry. When he saw Hare sleeping, he approached very slowly and silently, and when he was near, Coyote took a great jump and
plppp!
he landed squarely on top of Hare with all four paws.

SURPRISE!

Hare awoke with a frightened start and saw at once that he was in deep trouble. But he was not afraid.

“Now I have you, Hare!” said Coyote. “You must have had a fine breakfast, for you feel nice and fat. Mmm, what a great meal you will make!”

Hare was thinking fast.

“Yes, I did have a fine meal,” he said, “And I don’t mind if you eat me, for my flesh is old and dry and I don’t have much longer to live anyway. But if you will just be patient and wait a bit, perhaps I can give you something to eat that is much more tender and softer than I am.”

Odds that a piece of paper money printed by the U.S. Treasury is a $1 bill: 45%.

“I wouldn’t mind having something more tender,” replied Coyote, “But I don’t see anything better to eat around here. So it will have to be you, Brother Hare, Ha, Ha, Ha!”

Hare did not laugh.

“I know,” he said, breathing hard, for Coyote was sitting right on top of him and he was very heavy. “I know you see only me right now, because all the tender, young hares are in school, but that is just a little way from here. They are all there, soft and juicy, and just the right age for eating.”

Coyote licked his lips.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

“Yeeeesssssss,” said Coyote, “I know that these little hares are very soft and juicy. But tell me, where is that school, Brother Hare?”

“Just a little way down the hill. They are waiting for me to ring the bell for them to come out and play. But I can’t ring it yet, not until the sun reaches the tops of the trees up on the hill. Then I can ring the bell. See? It’s right up here in this tree.” And he pointed to a tree under which they were lying and in which there was a big, brown hornets’ nest.

“Will those little, plump hares come out when you ring the bell?” asked Coyote.

“They will, indeed, but I have to wait a long time. It’s too early now. They must stay there a long time yet.”

“Would they come out if you rang the bell now?”

“Sure they would, but I won’t ring it now. I must wait for the right time.”

“Brother Hare, I’m not really that hungry now anyway, and I promise I won’t eat you. You see, I am letting you get up. Why don’t you go for a little walk, to stretch and get the stiffness out of your joints? I’ll stay and ring the bell for you at the right time, my friend.” Coyote got off Hare, and Hare stretched himself slowly.

DON’T BEE CRUEL

“I don’t mind running off if you will promise to stay and ring the bell. But please do not forget, Brother Coyote, you must not ring it until the sun reaches the tops of the trees on the hill.”

“I won’t forget, but you must tell me how to ring the bell.”

In Bavaria, beer isn’t just an alcoholic drink—it’s considered a staple food, like bread or eggs.

“It’s very easy—all you have to do is shake the tree very hard. Then they will hear it at the schoolhouse. But shake it violently, so they will be sure to hear it.”

“You can be sure I’ll shake the tree hard enough, Brother Hare. Now run along!”

Hare was off like a flash. When he was at a safe distance, he shouted, “Be sure to wait for the sun to reach the trees, Brother Coyote.”

“I won’t forget, Hare. Now please, be on your way!”

Hare ran off, while Coyote watched, licking his lips. No sooner was Hare out of sight than Coyote rushed up the tree and began shaking it with all of his might. He shook it and shook it, but no bell rang. Finally, he threw all of his weight violently against the tree, and
klppp!
down fell the hornets’ nest and landed squarely on Coyote’s back. Suddenly the air was filled with hornets as they flew out in fury form their nest, stinging Coyote all over his body, from the point of his nose to the tip of his tail. You couldn’t see his fur anywhere for all of the hornets.

Coyote ran as fast as he could, howling, but the hornets were after him all the way, stinging him at every step, teaching him a painful lesson for knocking down their nest.

And so greedy Coyote had sharp stings for supper instead of plump, little hares.

*        *        *

COYOTE ADVICE

Coyotes thrive throughout Canada, the United States, and Mexico. And contrary to legend, they are actually very clever. They’re also predators. Here are a few tips from the Sierra Club to help protect pets and property:

• If you keep livestock or small animals, confine them in secure pens, especially from dusk to dawn when coyotes are most active.

• Guard dogs and electric fences deter predators.

• Coyotes are attracted to food scraps in garbage. Dispose of trash in a metal can, and secure the lid with a bungee cord or chain.

• It is best not to feed cats and dogs outdoors, but if you have to, do not leave bowls or food scraps outside at night.

Ernest Hemingway’s rules for manhood: plant a tree, fight a bull, write a book, have a son.

PLEASED TO MEAT YOU

Uncle John once saw a sign on an electrician’s truck that said “Let us fix your shorts.” He’s been collecting wacky business mottoes like these ever since
.

Concrete company:
“We dry harder.”

Taxidermist:
“We really know our stuff.”

Podiatrist:
“Time wounds all heels.”

Butcher:
“Let me meat your needs.”

Pastry shop:
“Get your buns in here.”

Septic services:
“We’re number 1 in the number 2 business.”

Dry cleaner:
“Drop your pants here.”

Towing company:
“We don’t want an arm and a leg…just your tows!”

Window cleaner:
“Your pane is our pleasure.”

Restaurant:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Diaper service:
“Let us lighten your load.”

Funeral home:
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

Chimney sweep:
“We kick ash.”

Trash service:
“Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back.”

Garden shop:
“Our business is growing.”

Auto body shop:
“May we have the next dents?”

Muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Car wash:
“We take a bite out of grime.”

Massage studio:
“It’s great to be kneaded.”

Sod installation:
“We just keep rolling a lawn.”

Auto repair:
“We meet by accident.”

Bakery:
“While you sleep, we loaf.”

Plumber:
“A good flush beats a full house.”