Unconditionally (Brown County #4) (8 page)

“You really wish, don’t you?” I challenged him, I couldn’t really help myself and what would a little harmless flirting hurt? Maybe it would give me back some of my lost mojo. Here lately my spark just wasn’t as bright as it needed to be.

“Nah, I just like messing with ya. You’re easy to rile up.”

Suddenly my ignited spark faded to where it was even dimmer.
Gee thanks for lifting a man’s spirits, jerk.

Trying to shrug off the apparent hurt his comment caused, I’m sure my reluctance was anything but hidden. So I tried to get him back.

“It wasn’t like I was left with many options on places to sit. Santa over there,” I pointed in the direction of the older gentleman, “Just plain creeped me out. And the boob mom’s didn’t need me in the way of their entertainment. So you see, you were the only option left.” Shrugging my shoulders I placed my elbows on the table and steepled my fingers in front of me.

It was nice to get just a moment to breathe. I still hadn’t had enough time to reflect over the conversation that took place on the way here. What better way to talk about it then with someone who may have experienced the same thing before.

I leaned forward on the table, moving my head a little closer towards Ethan, and half whispered, “Has Drew ever asked about you being gay?”

He seemed to ponder over my question before he began speaking. Looking me in the eyes he started, “Owen and I had been together for a long time so Drew pretty much grew up around me being with a guy. He’s never questioned it to my sister that I know of, he’s just always accepted it.”

Shaking my head up and down, “Tucker asked me on the way over here why I didn’t have a girlfriend to help me with my chores. It took me completely off-guard. I tried my best to explain to him that I wouldn’t ever have a ‘girlfriend’ then he asked if it was ok that he wasn’t gay. Sometimes I forget that he is only eleven because he’s always seemed so grown up to me.”

I spread my hand across my chin, “Then he told me that he was glad that I wasn’t like his father. Is it bad that I don’t even miss my brother Bryce because he was such an asshole? He and my parents were all alike, ‘let’s shun Toby out of the family because he’s different.’”

A look of acceptance appeared on Ethan’s face, “Having a good support system makes things so much easier to get through. I remember your brother Bryce, having graduated with him and Emmalynne, I honestly don’t know what was so great about him that had people fawning over his every word.” He shrugged his shoulders, “I just didn’t see the appeal.”

“Yeah well you and me both.” I felt a little better being able to talk to Ethan about things and him being able to relate on some level.

“So what happened between you and Owen? You said you were together for quite some time, right?” I asked the questions before I really thought about it being a good idea or not, I tried to quickly retract to where it didn’t seem like I was prying. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that, it’s none of my business.”

He raised a hand halting my backpedaling, “It’s ok, I don’t mind talking about it now. At first it stung a little bit because we had so much time invested, but time has passed and wounds have healed. He’s even moved on…” Ethan turned his head away from me and I could still see the underlying grief. He wasn’t as over it as he led everyone to believe. The least I could do was confide in him and show him that we weren’t alone in all of this. Life does eventually go on.

I really needed to take my own advice.

“Our relationship was solely based on sex.”

“And he wanted more?” My curiosity had truly gotten the best of me.

Fire ignited in his eyes and he bit out his words to me, “What makes you think it was him who wanted more? I’m the type that thinks romance isn’t overrated and sometimes you just needed to talk and be held. It doesn’t always have to be physical.”

I felt my face turn hot as it was undoubtedly turning several shades of red. I was a real heel for jumping to conclusions, but this admission made me want to see Ethan in a different light. I was about romance just as him, sometimes just holding hands was enough for me, it didn’t always have to be about sex.

He cleared his voice of all harshness then continued on with his story. “I was Owen’s first same sex relationship, I had been in relationship’s with both men and women before so it really was nothing new to me.” My eyebrows raised after hearing about his relationships with women, I knew that I had heard through the grapevine that he had actually kissed Emmalynne during seven minutes in heaven back in high school, but this admission was something new. “I knew I was different from the beginning but that didn’t stop me from experimenting, so yes I had relationships with women and have even had sex with women before coming to the conclusion that I was in fact gay.” That was the difference between Ethan and myself, I never had a doubt in my mind that I was gay so I’ve never had a relationship with the opposite sex, it’s only been strictly men for me from the get go.

“Back to Owen, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family someday, but evidently he didn’t have those same dreams and aspirations. He wanted to go out into the world and experience other men and what they had to offer.” He took his bottle of coke off of the table and began screwing off the lid. After taking a swift drink, he replaced the cap, “And now he’s met someone new and is getting married.” His glance strayed from mine once again and I couldn’t help but see the glimmer of tears gather in the creases of his eyes.

I went to reach my hand out to him but retracted at the last minute, thinking better of the action. “I was Gio’s first same sex relationship as well. But the difference was, Gio hadn’t come out of the closet yet. I didn’t push him to come out about his sexuality but I hated that he kept holding himself back. He was afraid to tell his family who ended up being extremely supportive of it once he finally told them after we broke up. Behind closed doors he was amazing and everything I could physically want in a man, but it was the way he acted towards me in public that made me think that something was wrong with me. He would push me away and say things about leaving space between us. He didn’t want to be outed as a gay man.”

In the middle of my talking, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and placed it on the table, sending the call to voicemail. I knew who it was, I always did. “The thing with me is, when I love, I love to a fault. I am in so deep and love with my whole heart and he didn’t just feel the same way. But now that he’s told his family and they are supportive, he calls my phone every free chance that he gets. He hurt me so badly that I don’t think I can give him a second chance, it isn’t like he exactly deserves it. It just drives the stake deeper and deeper into my heart that he won’t leave well enough alone. I regret to say that I’m still in love with him but I just don’t see a future for us anymore and he just can’t understand that.” I had taken to flipping my phone around in my hands, not looking at Ethan. I couldn’t really look at him right now, I was feeling low and that wasn’t exactly something that I needed everyone to be witness to.

Toby

The rest of the party went on without incident, more or less. I think at one point I saw Tucker’s little girlfriend, Tiffany. What gave it away was the pink flushed cheeks he sported the entire time she followed him around. Ah, young puppy love, it was hilarious to watch.

It was when Ethan stood up from the table in front of me did I lose my composure. Wrapped around his waist and looped through his belt loops was any ordinary worn brown leather belt, but it was what clasped it together that grabbed my attention. Right smack dab above the bulge in his jeans, the view I had directly in front of me, was a belt buckle. His t-shirt was partially tucked into his jeans so your view was automatically drawn to that buckle.

“Ethan, are you seriously wearing a belt buckle that says that?” I pointed straight to it, not even the least bit embarrassed.

He looked down and wrapped his hands around the buckle tilting it up towards him. All these movements near his
package
was about to make me combust. It was a damn good thing I was sitting down, if you know what I mean.

“You mean this old thing? It’s a gay bar back where my sister used to live in Minnesota. I was able to visit it a few times,” he explained through his chuckles.

Furrowing my brows, and trying to contain my fit of laughter that was begging to erupt, I read the words straight from the buckle. “Brown Squirrel Bar…Where we hold your nuts.” And that wasn’t it, right in the middle of the pewter square was a frigging picture of a squirrel.

I leaned back in my seat and rolled my eyes before looking up into Ethan’s. “Why gay bars think they need such atrocious names I will never know. Big Pete’s…Brown Squirrel…” I threw my hands in the air, “I rest my case.”

“It was a dodgy old place, nothing really memorable happened there. Wait,” he snapped his fingers, “there was this one time…”

I quickly raised my hand, “ENOUGH!” Stood from my seat and began retreating, giving him a delicious inside look at my derriere, as I strutted out of the building. “I don’t want to hear another word…”

Now it was Saturday night and I found myself sitting on an empty barstool at Big Pete’s with my makeup kit resting on my lap while I waited for Gwen to send for me.

I was officially giving into a woman. The more I thought about it, applying makeup for the dancers, people who understood me, the more the idea of it all made sense. I would be doing something that I absolutely loved, painting a woman up to bring out even more of their beauty. I would say that I was painting their outside to look as beautiful as their insides, but with Gwen I didn’t know if that statement held true.

Most of the time I would just enhance a woman’s natural beauty just making it stand out a bit more, so they could flaunt what they had.

Roman emerged from behind the stage curtain and raised a hand motioning me to come towards him.

I didn’t hesitate in stepping down and gliding my way through the mostly empty bar. It was still early yet, but it was the time I was told to be here for my trial run. I supposed she had such little faith in me that she wanted to make sure that she had enough time to reapply her makeup if need be.

Roman ran a hand along the thick black curtain, pulling it back just enough to make an opening for me to get through. “Straight on back and to the left,” he said while giving me a smirk, “she’s actually in a decent mood today.” I took that to be a head ups, which in a way I was thankful for. I didn’t know how to brace or prepare myself for what would be on the other side of that door so it relieved me to know that she was going to attempt to play nice.

Turning to face the thick wooden door, the only barrier between the She-devil and myself, I hesitantly raised my hand to rap on the smooth grain.

Knock…knock…knock

I didn’t have to wait nearly any length of time at all before I heard, “Come in!” Her voice was slight and didn’t have as near as much power behind it as it held the other night.

Turning the handle ever so slowly, I wanted another moment before I could’ve been walking into my immediate death. My nerves were completely on edge and I was second guessing my decision to be here.

I finally tamped down on my anxiety and pushed open the door revealing a small woman sitting in a director’s chair in front of a vanity lined with several white light bulbs.

“Gwen?” I had to ask because she didn’t look like the all mighty presence in which she portrayed the other night. She had somehow lost her luster.

With slumped shoulders, her legs tucked in underneath her, and sullen cheekbones surrounding her dark circles beneath her eyes, she answered, “The one and only…unfortunately.”

Walking towards her and setting my makeup case down on the corner of the vanity, I leaned up against the edge and crossed my arms in front of my chest and one foot over the other.

“Listen, I know we don’t know each other, like at all, but you must know that you look like you could use several weeks-worth of sleep and a good cold cream underneath your eyes. But you are in luck, I’ve brought my own personal special blend that’ll have those dark circles disappearing in no time.”