Uncovering Officer Smith (The Discovering Trilogy #2) (33 page)

I stagger to my feet, closing the gap between us. I place my hands on the bars, look him dead in the eye, and ask, “How does it feel?”

“How does what feel?”

“To not understand why?”

His face is stoic, staring back at me from the other side of the cage; his face a little further back than it was before. John stands there watching the hurt bubble up inside of me. I’ve never been the type of girl to let a guy rule my emotions like this, but I’ve been on a yo-yo ride of ups and downs with this man for months. If it’s the last thing I do I’m going to get some freakin’ answers.

“I’ve been asking myself that same question for weeks now. How does it feel? It sucks, doesn’t it? So why don’t you tell me, John. Tell me why. Why would someone lead another on all summer and just stop talking to them out of nowhere? Why would a guy pretend to like a girl and disappear overnight?” He pulls away and his back meets the far wall as he watches me. “Answer me, John!”

His gaze shifts to his feet. “I don’t know.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” I mutter, pacing the cell now. “Don’t you think I deserve some answers? I’m not a fucking robot. I can’t just turn my feelings on and off like you can.”

He breathes deeply, and his sigh falters slightly. I think he might respond, but instead keeps his eyes set on the floor.

“I’m sorry, I can’t pretend like what happened between us meant nothing.” I pause in my pacing to look at him. “I know you felt it too. I don’t care what you say.”

After an eternity, his eyes finally meet mine, conflicted.

John left right after that. A few minutes later, my brother arrives with another officer. They release me and my brother pulls me out of the precinct by my wrist. I scan the desks as we pass, but they never find the one I’m looking for. Just like that, John Smith has disappeared from my life. Again.

“What were you thinking, Becca? Drugs?”

“You too? Believe me, I already got the lecture from your dear friend.”

“You know, I’ve done a lot of shit, Becca, but drugs was never one of them. You need to get your shit straight before Mom and Dad find out about this.”

“I don’t care anymore.” With that, I walk around him and wait by his car.

He unlocks the car and doesn't speak until we are both seated inside. Bedford starts up again. “What is up with you?”

“Don’t worry, you got what you wanted. John and I are over.”

He looks stunned. “John is the one who called me.”

“Oh, goodie.” I reach over, putting my seat belt on.

“Becca, I didn’t—”

“Save it, Bedford. Just take me home.”

The ride back to North Commons is silent. My brother keeps opening and closing his mouth as if he wants to say something, but never does. When he pulls up to the dorm parking lot, I don’t even wait until the car completely stops before I tear out of the passenger seat.

“Becca,” he calls after me.

“You know, Beddy, you can’t save me.”

“What?”

“John and you – you’re always trying to protect me, to save me. I’m my own person and I have to live my own life. You can’t save me from living, you can’t save me from getting hurt – because maybe I already am.”

The tears fill up in my eyes. I turn and leave my brother staring after me in the parking lot as I run inside. The tears begin to fall once I make it. I need to hide my pain again.

I’ve changed into pajamas and resolve to never wear real clothes again. I don’t really need to graduate. Graduating would make my mother so proud; she could finally marry me off to the highest, most affluent bidder. I’m slipping out of the bathroom, washing the make-up from last night off my face, when I hear voices in the hall.

“Yeah, a party at Alpha Delta Pi. Bring your friends.”

“Definitely.” A girl’s voice responds.

I open the door. It’s that kid from the fraternity party a few weeks ago. What was his name? Casey? Cam? Carl? –

“Hey, Swanson! I didn’t know you were here. Come to my party tonight.”

“A party?”

“Yeah, it’s at the frat house. You should stop by.”

“Okay.”

“If the guys at the front hassle you, just tell them Cole sent you.”

Cole! That was it
. “Sounds good.”

“So, I’ll see you there?”

I take the flyer from his hand, the one with just the obnoxious fraternity letters scribbled on it and today’s date.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“Awesome! See you later.” He practically skips down the hallway. I hear my next-dorm neighbor beginning to open the door when I automatically shut mine.

I’m doing my make-up a few hours later when Meggie wanders back into the dorm. She drops a few shopping bags on the kitchen island and turns to me in the bathroom.

With only one eye done, I turn to her. “Meg, get dressed. I got invited to the Alpha Delta Pi party.” I take a swig from the red cup on the corner of the sink before returning my attention back to the mirror. She just stands there. Her gaze is still on me until I finally turn back around.

“Becca, what is going on with you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you need help?”

I laugh. “The only thing I need is a stiff drink. Are you down?”

She smiles. It’s not just a regular smile, it’s a sick, I’m-in-love smile, and it makes me nauseous. “I actually have a date.”

“A date?” I scoff.

“Yeah, Troy asked me out on an
official
date.”

“Oh, well I’m happy for you.” I turn back to the mirror.

“No.” Her face falls. “I don’t think you are.”

“You’re right, I’m not.”

“Becca?” She gasps my name.

“I’ve been single for a year now! It’s my turn. You treat men like shit – I don’t get it. At least karma should have caught up with you or something.”

When I look up to meet her eyes, they are wider than I’ve ever seen them. “Wow.”

I regret the words as soon as I see the hurt in her eyes. “I…”

“No, I got you. You know I never realized
you
thought of me that way, guess I was wrong.”

“Meggie, I’m sorry. I…” I follow after her toward her room.

“No, I hear you loud and clear.” She slams her bedroom door in my face.

“Meg. Don’t be that way,” I scream through the door.

“Fuck off, Becca.”

Fuck
. I’m just messing everything up with
everyone
. Oh well. I’ll deal with the mess tomorrow. I have a party to get to. There’s no way I’m missing it, especially now. I have to let some steam out.

My feet click against the laminate floor in my new boots. I’m heading across the dormitory foyer to the double doors. I hear my name called before they even have a chance to open.

“Becca!” I turn, and notice Cole wandering around by the game room.

“What are you doing here? I was just headed to the party.” I point toward the doors.

“I wanted to walk you.”

“Walk me? Oh, okay.”

He looks nice. Collared shirt, crisp khaki pants; it’s different from the usual fraternity attire of black sweatshirts with the fraternity insignia on them. So, when he offers me his arm, I take it.

We walk all the way across campus. Cole talked the entire time. I don’t think I said two words beside ‘uh huh’ and ‘oh.’ This kid just really doesn’t get it.

When we finally reach the house, the party is in full swing. The bass can be felt on the floorboards of the porch and the hum of voices sound through the windows. I waited all day for this, needing a place to escape. When I’m blasted nothing seems to matter, and that’s exactly what I want. I don’t want to feel, don’t want to remember. I want a good time.

I ditch Cole at the door. Slipping my way through the mass of bodies—It is easy to lose him. Stealing a beer out of the fridge, I make my way around. I recognize a few faces from the previous parties. Others, I have run into leaving Meggie’s room. I wave to some and ignore the rest before I realize I’m all out of beer.

Taking an unopened can off the coffee table, I pop the top, and continue deeper into the party.

“Hey, Becca!”

“Oh, hey.” I don’t remember this guy’s name. It swims before me in the mess I like to call my drunken memory.

“I have some of that special stuff from last time.”

“Special – oh!”

“Meet me upstairs in ten if you’re interested.”

He disappears into the crowd before I can respond. Last time I was on that special stuff, I woke up behind bars. The last thing I need is to run into Officer No-Feelings. But, on the other hand, I’ve never felt so… free before. Not remembering and not having a care in the world. It was bliss.

Before changing my mind, I head upstairs. Each step creaks under my weight upon ascension. All the doors are shut except for one at the end of the hall. I trace my steps all the way there. It’s a normal bedroom, two beds on opposite ends of the room, a shared desk in between. There my friend sits on one of the beds, a sandwich bag full of something between his legs. A few other people are already there and a couple filter in behind me.

“Close the door.” One of them catches an attitude with me. I obey, closing the door behind me before sitting down on the in front of the bed.

“I hope you all brought exact because I don’t have any change.”

They all nod and he begins handing out pills like some kind of lax pharmacy. He hands out different pills from his sandwich bag and takes cash in return.

People filter out until it’s just me. “Becca?”

“Can I just get the same as last time?”

“Sure. Twenty.”

I reach into my back pocket and pull out the cash. I was saving this for some cheese fries later, but this will do. He hands me a tiny blue pill and with a nod, I leave him alone in the room. My feet take me further down the hall until I find a bathroom. I slip inside, locking the door and putting the toilet seat down on the disgusting bowl. I sit and stare at my hand. I guess that makes it official now. I’ve paid for drugs.

“My mother would be so proud,” I whimper. A part of me wishes Meg were here to talk me out of it. The other part, the part that cried herself to sleep last night, swallows the pill. I feel it the entire way it slides down my throat without any liquid to wash it down.

With a deep breath, I get up and head back to the party.

I’m on another beer before feeling anything. The world around me grows hazy—Not blurry, just a little glazed over. Cole finds me again.

“I lost you for a second. There are so many people.”

“So many,” I repeat.

“Don’t go disappearing on me again.” He wags his finger in front of my face. I’m mesmerized by it.

I giggle. He says a few more things and I laugh at all of them too. This kid is super funny; maybe I was wrong about him.

“Let me show you my room. No, take your beer.”

“Okay.” I follow him back up the stairs. They swim under me now. With every step, I feel as though I’m going to topple over. They also groan under my weight and I think I feel them move slightly to get away from me.

“You okay?” Cole asks me from the top of the steps.

“Perfect,” I respond with a smile. He takes my hand again, guiding me to the first door.

“This is my room.”

The walls are blue. I spin around like I’m in a fish tank. “It’s very blue.”

“My Psych teacher says blue is very calming.”

“Calming,” I repeat. “I have to agree.”

“Where have you been hiding, Swanson?” His hands are warm on my hips.

“Under books.” I giggle again. Cole’s face is close—Too close, but I don’t mind. What’s a meaningless make-out session, anyway?

He laughs before kissing me. I pull away to take another swig of my beer before kissing him again.

The door to the room swings open. “What are you doing?”

“Tom?” His tall, lanky frame hovers in the doorway.

“Becca, what are you doing?”

“Dude, can you shut the door? We’re busy,” Cole shouts before turning his pouty lips back to me.

“Hold your horses.” I place a finger to meet those lips before pushing them away. “Tom, what are you doing here?”

“I heard about the party and I came to check on you.”

“Check on me?”

“You’ve been acting funny recently.”

I get offended. “You’re acting funny.”

“Why are you repeating everything I say?” He sinks down in front of me. “Becca, are you okay?”

“That’s it! If I’m not getting laid, I’m going to return to the party.” Cole stomps out.

Tom and I both ignore him. “Becca? Did you take something? Your pupils are dilated.”

“Dilated, that’s a funny word. Dia-lat-ed.”

“Becca, are you kidding me? What
happened
to you?”

“College.” I lean back against the blue wall now, suddenly hit with a wave of nausea.

“You know what – maybe I was wrong about you. You are just like your brother,” Tom mutters, leaning in to squish my face between his hands. “You’re a lost cause.”

Those are the last words I remember hearing before my eyes close and everything fades away.