Unforgettable (24 page)

 
“Sorry, but I
am
a man. You’re right though, I’ll try to be more open.” He must have seen a change on my face because he started looking at me with concerned eyes. “What is it?”

 
I only answered with a shake of my head. I wasn’t ready to process what my mind just gave me back. I was pretty sure I had just had my breakthrough and instead of feeling relief, all I felt was panic.

Chapter Twenty One

 
My mind was flooded with everything I’d been trying so hard to remember. It was different than I’d thought it would be. I wasn’t having a “bingo” moment; it was more like dozing off and being woken in a strange place and not knowing where you were. In those first few seconds everything comes back to you and you lose that sense of confusion.

 
Ethan was still looking at me strangely. Oh my god. My poor, sweet Ethan. I reached over and grabbed him into a hug. It felt good to hold onto him knowing how important he was to me. I didn’t realize how empty I had felt until this moment. How the hell could I have forgotten
Ethan
?

 
I was about to share my wonderful news with him, but when I pulled back to speak, I remembered something else. I remembered the big hunk of emerald surrounded by diamonds that I found in Ethan’s underwear drawer. Holy smokes! How the heck could I have forgotten that gorgeous, panic inducing ring? Suddenly the events of Friday came back to me as clear as a bell. Carrie roping me into a shopping trip on Saturday morning, Elisa calling and telling me she heard Ethan telling people at work that he had a ring for me, hanging up with her and tearing up the house looking for it.
Oh. My. God
.

 
I pressed my face back against Ethan; happy to hide my cheeks which I was sure were beet red. I suddenly didn’t want to tell him I remembered everything. He was sure to quiz me on Friday and I didn’t know what to tell him. If I told him the truth he would be both upset and disappointed by me ruining his surprise. Plus, that meant he would ask me to marry him very soon.

 
The truth was, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. There really was no question in my mind that he was it for me. The problem was marriage itself. I had no idea what the hell a good marriage looked like. I had grown up in a home in which marriage wasn’t something that I was exposed to. I really hadn’t had that many more examples of wedded bliss from my friends’ families either. My childhood best friend Allison was shuttled between her mother and father, so spending the night at her house didn’t give me the feeling of family. When Gloria and I moved from Austin to Yakima when I was fifteen, my best friend Jennifer was the product of a “broken” home as well. I hadn’t really spent any time around a normal married couple until college, joining Carrie for dinners and the occasional vacation with Ellen and Robert. And Ethan.

 
My heart started pounding when I realized what he would be expecting from marriage. Besides the terrible cooking, Ellen seemed like Martha Stewart’s long lost twin. Ethan grew up in a stable and stylish home and I grew up with a strangely selfish hippie wannabe. I was no Ellen-I knew I never could be. All my panic started building back up; I knew I wasn’t equipped for a life like that.

 
Ethan grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off of his chest.

 
“What’s the matter? Your heart is pounding like a rabbit. Jesus, you’re white as a sheet. Take a breath and tell me what’s wrong with you.”

 
I pulled air into my lungs and forced my face into a smile. My heart was still beating like I was on a treadmill, but I managed to pull my thoughts together. I was conflicted on my next actions.
 
I wanted to tell Ethan the truth, at least that way he could stop worrying about me, but I needed time. I made a split second decision to keep this new development to myself. It was the only thing I could think to do.

 
“Nothing’s the matter. It’s just been a long day and I started feeling a panic attack coming on, but I’m okay now. Thanks.” I fell back on my old foe, the panic attack. I had really been doing better lately; I hadn’t had one in forever. Well, except for the hospital, but that was a special circumstance. I felt guilty about my lie when Ethan started rubbing slow circles on my upper back.

 
“It’ll be okay, love. Just breathe, I’m here with you. Do you need a cool cloth?” I closed my eyes and let him pull me close in a comforting hug. I was evil and didn’t deserve his nurturing treatment. What kind of cow would keep something
this
big from the most important person in her life?

 
“I’m fine now. Really.” I took one last deep sniff of his chest before I pulled back again. My head felt heavy and my temples were throbbing. Oh right, I had a huge knot on my skull. “I’m just going to take some Advil.” I walked a few steps to the cabinet where we kept the medicines and pulled out the bottle of tablets. When I lined up the arrows and popped the top off the pills shot out of the bottle and all over the counter and the floor. “Dang it.”

 
I bent down and started to sweep the pills together with my hand before Ethan squatted down beside me, stilling my fingers with his own.

 
“Stop and tell me what’s wrong. Please.” He was looking at me imploringly, a look that got me every time. I wanted to spill my guts and rush him like a football player. I felt like I’d just gotten my life back and I wanted to celebrate, but the need to hide out from reality just a little bit longer was too strong to deny. I needed to process everything that was swimming in my brain.

 
“I promise I’m alright. I just have a headache and my foot still stings. Do you mind if I go lie down for a little while?” I could see that he wanted to say something else but he took his hand back and started picking up the dropped pills.

 
“Sure. You go on and I’ll be in a little later. No, I’ll get these,” he told me when I went to gather a loose pain killer.

 
I nodded and stood up, grabbing two Advil off of the counter as I went. I knew what I needed to do. I walked around Ethan, still on the floor, and flipped off the door to the laundry room as I passed. Fucking Sparkles. I couldn’t believe Gloria. She totally used my amnesia against me earlier. I told her after the last time that I wouldn’t cat sit for her ever again. I was going to let Ethan take her to a kennel first thing tomorrow. I didn’t even feel a drop of remorse about it, either.

 
I walked down the hallway fast; I had to do this before Ethan was finished in the kitchen. I made it to the bedroom and quietly closed the door before bolting over to the dresser. I jerked out Ethan’s underwear drawer and ran my hand along the bottom. Nothing. I pulled the drawer out further and lifted up some stacked boxers. Still nothing. What the hell? I knew it had been right there in the corner. I had put it back carefully in the
exact
same place I found it. I shoved the drawer closed and opened his sock drawer right underneath. Nada.

 
Where was it?
This was horrible. Oh no, had he changed his mind? The thought didn’t comfort me like I was expecting. Instead, it made my stomach drop. What if he did? It wasn’t unheard of. My head started spinning as I slid the drawer shut quietly. I didn’t realize how much I wanted him to want me that way. Even though I was scared, it was nice to know he loved me that much. It was flattering too. Nobody had ever loved me that much in my
life
. Not even Gloria. I loved the fact that he adored me. It was a darn good feeling and one that I reciprocated fully. I had never loved anyone as much as Ethan, not even Carrie, and that was saying something.

 
I felt strangled, like I couldn’t breathe. I could feel a real panic attack coming on. What if he didn’t want to marry me anymore? Suddenly the idea of being married to him seemed like the most wonderful thing in the world and the fact that it might not happen was completely unacceptable. I tried to think of where else it could be, and I ran to his bedside table. I rummaged through the contents trying in vain to find the ring, but after a few seconds I knew it was fruitless. My shoulders sagged in defeat and I closed my eyes in an effort to calm myself. This wasn’t getting me anywhere. I needed to stop and
think
.

 
While I sat there I thought back to Elisa’s call the other day. She told me Ethan’s secret and ruined what could possibly have been the most wonderful night of both of our lives. What a bitch move. Why would she have done it? I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. When she was telling me, she made it sound like she was doing me a favor and letting me in on a wonderful secret, but what a fucking nerve. How
dare
she ruin that for me? I made a promise to never invite her back to my house. I hated her. Ethan was right. She was an evil bitch. How could I have not seen that before?

 
This was all her fault. She’s the reason I got all worked up in the first place, digging around and invading Ethan’s privacy and then freaking out when I found what I had been searching for. It was her fault I had time to freak out in the first place. I probably would have just told Ethan yes and saved myself all this angst. That bitch is most likely the reason I had amnesia too! I was outraged. Now what if my amnesia made Ethan decide that I was too much trouble?
Oh my god
. She had ruined my life.

 
I threw myself down on the bed and groaned. My whole life was in shambles. I thought back to the past couple of days. I had run from Ethan’s kiss yesterday, and then later I had practically attacked him. I made him sleep on the couch last night and then jumped him after we played Monopoly. Oh, and let’s not forget the way I treated him when I woke up in the hospital. I basically told him there was no way I’d ever be in a relationship with him. He probably thought I was crazy. Hell, I
was
crazy; the only difference was that now
he
knew it, too.

 
I was flat out wallowing in misery when I had an inspiration. Maybe he hid it in the bathroom. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, pulling open all of the drawers. I even looked in the cabinet I kept my tampons in. I searched through the towels and the sheets and I was shoving lotion bottles aside when Ethan interrupted my search.

 
“What’s going on?” I froze. Crap. I turned around slowly looking at the trail of mess I had left in my wake. The drawers were open and there were random items strewn haphazardly over the countertops. The towels looked as if Lucy had been trying to make a nest in there. Had I lost my mind? I didn’t even remember wrecking everything in my hunt.

 
“Where is it?” I demanded

 
“Where is what?”

 
“My ring?”

 
“I guess in your jewelry box.”

 
“Why would you put it in my jewelry box?” That didn’t even make sense, but I shot out of the door past him and went to my jewelry box. I pulled open the lid almost reverently, this was the moment. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I released it with a whoosh. It wasn’t there. Disappointment crashed through me. I looked up at the doorway where Ethan was standing and watching me. “It’s not here.”

 
“Which ring are you looking for? It might be in the bowl on the kitchen windowsill.” I looked at him in confusion. He wasn’t getting it.

 
“My
engagement
ring, Ethan. Where is it?”

Chapter Twenty Two

 
“What?” Ethan’s voice was weak and his face was a mask of horror and surprise. It took me a minute to realize that I had just demanded an engagement ring that I had not been offered yet. My own face got hot with mortification.
What had possessed me to ask him that?
I was most probably never going to get it now. I floundered for a second unable to think of anything to say that would extricate me from the quicksand of my stupidity. When was I ever going to learn to turn on my verbal filter?

 
“Oh god, Ethan. I’m so sorry.” I had pulled my hand over my mouth, something I should have done about twelve seconds ago.

 
“Jules, did you remember something?” He sounded so hopeful that I felt like a heel.

 
“Everything. I remember everything. It just came back to me out of the blue.”