UNFORGETTABLE (Able Series Book 3) (7 page)

“You’re not strong enough to handle the loss. I . . . I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle another.”

Shaking my head, I forge on, “Why are you thinking it’s going to happen again? Why?”

He buries his face into my neck as he explains, “Because somehow, I know. The feeling is so strong I can almost sense it. You have to know, I would love to have a child with you. I would Tami, but part of me is scared. It’s the same fears and doubts I’ve lived with all my life. I can’t handle it, T; losing another life would kill me.” He falls, kneeling behind me, holding my waist, clasping me tightly as he says, “I’m afraid for our baby, for you . . . I.Am.Just.Scared. I don’t want to go into the dark again. I don’t want to lose another one of my own . . . I won’t survive it, please.”

I fall right next to him as the weight of his fears overcomes my own. I turn to face him, opening my arms to receive him, allowing myself to love him while trying to understand the fears he’s talking about. His fears for me and my fears for him mix together with our combined fears for our child. Does it make it less daunting? No. In fact, it’s breathtakingly devastating.

“I don’t know what you’re asking of me. I know a lot could go wrong during pregnancy, but I can be strong for the both of us, Brian, if only you’ll let me. When I say. . . . every time I say . . . I love you forever, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s forever without a ‘but,’ or ‘only if’ attached to it. Are you willing to walk this path with me?”

I’m met with silence. Whoever said silence is golden should be bitch slapped, because silence hurts. Getting the message loud and clear, I shrug him off me but his hold intensifies. His other hand lands on my belly, and I fight myself from crying. No. No more tears, but they keep coming. While my eyes shed tears, my heart steels simply because it has to. I’m not going to beg him to be happy with me or to want this, but I’m not going to push him away either. He needs to make the decision on his own, because I’ve already made mine.

“I’m not as strong as Jake and Cody. Give me time, please,” he says as he weeps like a baby, but his hold on me is pure man.

With every tightly clamped finger of Brian’s I loosen from my waist, a piece of my heart chips away, but love is love is love. You love wholeheartedly, without prejudice; you love with everything, and stop at nothing; you love with fear, and without; you love with pain, and through it; you love with forgiveness, without limit; but more than anything, you love because you simply do.

I slowly and calmly place his hands on his lap, not letting go until I make sure he understands what I’m feeling . . . what it is I want him to understand. My voice is without anger, but filled with pain when I say, “Give yourself all the time you need, Brian. While you’re at it, I’m going to do what’s best for our child. I’m hurt more than angry, hopeful more than hopeless, but a part of me is happy because I have something to look forward to. Right yourself for our child, but more than anything, right yourself for you. I need you whole for us, okay?”

With that, I slowly rise and silently leave the room. I go straight to our room heading to the bathroom, but not without glancing at our rumpled-we-got-it-on bed, remembering the last time he made love to me. Shaking that thought out quickly, I stand under the hot shower, washing away the ache and clearing my mind. Now, silence in the shower is golden. I do this all the time. When I’m stressed out or feeling down, I wash it off. Psychologically it works, seeing the water go down the drain is a freedom of some sort. At least, I’m a very squeaky clean woman while my heart is a mess.

BRIAN

THE DAY AFTER RECEIVING THE
most shocking news of my life, I find myself in the office staring out the window at six in the morning because I’m avoiding Tami. Simply put, I don’t have the nerve to face her after the hurtful words I’ve said, and the way those words left my mouth.

I want this baby—I need this baby, but at the same time, I’m afraid of the unknown. If I could shelter her from the pain, I would, but while sheltering her, I’m hurting her in the process. This is a no win situation, no matter what I choose.

My heart almost jumps out of my chest when Gunny walks into my office, surprising me and interrupting my self-imposed Brian-bashing with a scowl on his face. The day of reckoning has come, and I’ll gladly accept it because this is all on me. Gunny, my mentor, my second father is now Jack, the dad to the woman I love. He closes the door slowly, taking deep breaths before facing me.

“You got your shit straightened out, Brian? Don’t answer that. In fact, just sit tight and open your ears. I understand the fear, trust me I do, but do you want to sit on your own fears? When shit hits the fan, when your time’s up, and it’s too late, how are you going to handle the lost times, the I should haves of life? Can you live with that?”

He walks, positions the chair next to my desk directly across from me so we’re at eye level, and he continues on his rant of warning fueled by his love for his daughter and for me.

“I’ll tell you . . . you’ll have a shitload of regret, and that’s worse than fear, son. With fear, you can fight it, push it out of the way with something stronger, which is love and faith, but regret, you have nothing against it. Nothing, but pain and heartache, and the constant nagging memory of what you should’ve done. I don’t think you could ever live with that. For arguments sake, God forbid, but let’s say Tami loses the baby and you find yourself hurting, again. Would you rather hurt knowing you’ve loved that child with everything you’ve got, enjoying every second of his or her life given to you by God with the woman you love; or would you rather hurt knowing you stayed away for days hiding behind your fears?”

I bow my head in shame. “I’ll settle everything tonight. I know I can’t sit on it too long. Jack, I love her and our child with everything that I am. I just need a moment to get my fear in check and my head straight. I want to be strong for her because if things go south. . . .”

“Stop, right there. I haven’t lost a child. I thank God every day that he didn’t allow me to experience such pain. But you do know, He doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. You are much stronger than you think. If I were you, would I be fearful? I would. However, what is it we do all the time?”

“We gear up and go.”

“I’m glad you haven’t forgotten. We’ve all experience fear in our lives at some point, but there’s no way around it, only through it. Going around it or running away from it is a short cut that won’t work. They never have. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“I do. If I could protect her somehow from . . .”

Jack starts shaking his head, not agreeing with what I’ve said. “There’s no way to protect her from this, Brian. I know we want to shield them from pain, but this is something you can’t protect her from.”

“I know. It still doesn’t make it any easier to accept. But don’t worry, I’ll fix it, Jack. I’ll fix it tonight.”

With a nod and a smile Jack leaves as quickly as he came, and the silence in my office is deafening. Other than the clanging of my heart, which I know no one hears, but every beat of it . . . I feel. It’s a constant battle in my head, but a battle I’m trying to win for Tami and for our baby.

Itching to talk to her, I go for broke and call. One ring, then two, then three, as I’m about hang up, she picks up; or at least I thought she did until I hear the voice on the other end.

“Tami’s exchange, how may I direct your call?”

Blowing a frustrated breath while imagining I’m strangling him with my bare hands, “Neil, can I talk to Tami, please.”

“She’s not available at the moment.”

Fear spreads like wildfire through my entire being, making my hands clammy, my heart beat in rapid succession, and my knees weak. While my ears hear imaginary clanging bells echoing in the distance, and my eyes see invisible red flags dancing in the air. I feel it all at an alarming rate while my brain is trying to calmly process what Neil just said.

“What do you mean ‘not available’? Be specific, Neil!”

Clearing his throat, I hear a door being shut in the background. “Err, she’s gonna hate me for this, but Tami’s been throwing up since I got here thirty minutes ago. I found her in a fetal positon on the bathroom floor. She . . .”

“What!”

I move quickly, turning off my computer, locking up all important documents, then reaching for my keys as I head out the door while yelling at Neil.

“Talk to me, Neil! How is she?”

“God! Don’t yell at me! I’m already nervous; you’re making it worse. I feel like a hyped up energizer bunny with freaking ADD. Just get your ass over here.”

Getting in the car, I put him on speaker while giving him instructions as to what to do. Being a typical, whatever the hell Neil is, he’s losing his mind faster than I can let out a breath.

“Where are you?”

“In your ass, you househole. Shit! I mean, I’m in your house, you asshole! I just told you, I found her in the bathroom.”

“Go back in there. Calm your shit down and stay with her. Do it, now! I need a sit rep ASAP.”

Breathing heavily, he answers, “I’m in. Hold a second while I check on hot mama.” A few seconds later, I hear him mumbling, “Tami, why don’t you lie down on the bed, sweet thing. It’s cold on the floor.”

I can hear Tami mumble something and Neil’s very frustrated voice in the background. I’m trying my hardest to be calm, give Neil instructions, and drive safely all at the same time.

“Neil, sit rep!”

“What the hell is a sit rep? Your baby mama is sprawled on the floor. Nobody’s got time to do sit ups!”

Groaning loudly, I follow it up with, “No! Just hang tight, and I’ll call Cody.”

Without waiting for his answer, I call Cody. I’m already lining up the things I want to tell him in my brain to save time.

“Yo, this better be good, I’m ready to boink my honky tonk.”

“Go to my house and check on Tami, please. She’s throwing up, and Neil’s not worth shit. Go now!”

I hear him in the background saying, “Love, boom boom is on hold; we have a situation at Tami’s. I need to go.”

Then, I hear Roxy say the unthinkable, “I want to come!”

“Huh? Love, Tami needs me. You’re just gonna have to cum later.”

“Stupid idiot! I mean, I want to come with! Let’s go, just put on your boxers. On second thought, put on pants; Neil might attack you.”

What the hell? I have dumb and dumber, and an energizer bunny with ADD taking care of Tami and our baby. Dear God, I need all the help I can get.

“Cody, Now!”

“Hang tight, B. I’m on my way. Just keep the line open.”

What the hell else does he think I can do at this point?

“Oh, thank God, you guys are here; I can’t carry. . . .” Neil’s voice trails off then sounds off again. “Oh my, you’re shirtless.” Then, he says, “Roxy your nipples are standing at attention, and your ass is hanging out of that shirt. Girl, were you about to go all Marvin Gaye? You know, ‘let’s get it on . . . let’s get it on.’”

“Shut up, Neil! Move out of my way. Love, talk to Brian.”

“Brian, are you still there?”

“Yes, how is she?”

“Cody’s carrying her out of the bathroom straight to bed, as we speak. I’m gonna tell Neil to fix her something to eat.”

“I’m on my way. Tell her, please.”

Without waiting for her answer, I hang up not wanting our first conversation to be over the phone. I want us to talk face to face with my eyes boring into hers, and her body very close to mine.

I don’t even say hi to Neil or Roxy when I walk into the house, my main objective is to get to Tami, ASAP. As I swing open the door, I find her with my pillow encased in her arms, she’s curled up her butt slightly sticking out like how Jillian sleeps. Quietly, I walk over to her side, kneeling as I push aside a strand of hair that’s covering her face.

“Hey, angel.”

No movement, whatsoever, so I run my knuckles over her soft cheeks as I do when I want to wake up Jaelin. Remembering how Trish or Jake would give me a dirty look when I do that brings a smile to my face. Jaelin is my favorite by far out of the four. She just draws me to her, just like her aunt does, the force of which I can’t even deny.

“Eyes open, please. I need to see them.”

“Hmm . . .” A loud mumble is the only answer I get.

She takes in a deep breath and opens her eyes. Her grey eyes on my green ones.

“How are you feeling? Are you trying to give my heart some exercise?”

Burying her face on my pillow, she mumbles, “No. I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Alright, I guess I deserve that.”

“There’s more where that came from,” sarcastically, she answers.

I quickly answer with humor I hope she’ll find funny, “That’s what she said.”

I have a feeling this conversation is heading south before I can even say I’m sorry. Glancing her way, I can tell she didn’t find my humor as funny as I thought she would since she’s wearing a scowl on her face.

“I love you, T. You have . . .”

“I know you love me. I also know, you want me to know that. You also want to tell me you’re sorry, that you were shocked when I told you about our baby, and now you’re ready. You’re willing to take the risk of loving and losing another. You need me to understand your pain and all that emotional stuff you’re so afraid of. Am I right, so far?”