Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life (20 page)

Your feelings of shame were originally someone else’s—you picked up on them and internalized them. The simple fact is that obesity can be caused by many things, like lack of knowledge, resources, and finances. It can be an emotional coping mechanism. But none of those issues are gross or unnatural, or even unusual. Quite the contrary, they are painfully human, and overweight people deserve the proper love, care, and attention to improve. Shame is the absolute worst emotion one can bring to this situation, or any other for that matter.

This next anecdote is a more blatant example of one community’s issues becoming another person’s shame. I met a young boy once who was so ashamed of being gay that he would literally cry himself to sleep every night. His parents, friends, and community were passionately antigay, and this poor kid was devastated, humiliated, and filled with self-loathing. Now, had he not grown up being told that homosexuality was “evil and the work of the devil,” he probably would have gone his whole life not thinking a thing of it. After all, he was born that way. It was his natural state, but most of the people in his life were afraid of homosexuality because it was different. They were taught that it was evil and threatened their way of life. This issue was theirs, not his, but because he was young and didn’t have the ability to discern the distinction at that point in his life, he took on their baggage and all the shame, fear, and sadness that came with it.

It was only after I worked with this kid on his self-esteem for months and showed him examples of positive, healthy, happy gay men who are sources of strength and inspiration in the world that he shed the shame put upon him and was able to embrace the possibility of a bright future.

Shame is a dark emotion. I believe in my heart that everything has a purpose—except shame. Nothing—and I do mean nothing—good can come of it. Even if you did something that you feel ashamed about, shame is insidious and pointless and it’s
still
indirectly a result of taking on someone else’s shit. Think about it. If you tell or show a kid he’s worthless, eventually he will believe it and subsequently he will act like it. Remember what I told you about Hitler and Saddam. Yes, extreme examples, but proof of my point.

While you may feel bad or guilty about something you may have done wrong, shame is not the solution. And guilt, like shame, is often an emotion we are conditioned to feel. Next time you are feeling guilty about something, stop to ask yourself if you actually did anything mean-spirited or malevolent.

When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me constantly that I was a spoiled and ungrateful brat. This was on a daily basis. For years, and even sometimes now, I was unable to accept anything from anyone. I couldn’t even let friends buy me coffee without feeling guilty that I had “taken advantage” of them. Only a greedy person who couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of themselves would let others pay for them. I should be as fully self-sufficient as he was. After
years
of therapy, though, I understand that my dad called me a brat because of his own insecurities. It’s clear to me now that he had horribly low self-esteem and felt he had nothing to offer those around him but money—which turned into a fear that people
only
spent time with him
because
of his money. He then projected those insecurities onto me, accusing me of loving him only when he gave me things.

Kids often don’t have defenses against these kinds of criticisms, so for the longest time I thought that to want or accept something from someone was the worst thing in the world. But
with time and self-awareness (and as I said, a
lot
of therapy), I was able to realize that part of being alive on this planet is give
and
take. Sometimes we need to accept generosity in order to pass that generosity on in some other form. I now understand where my dad’s issues end and mine begin. And I was able to forgive him and move on to my bigger picture, getting healthy and whole so I could help other people get healthy and whole.

If in fact you have a real reason to feel guilty about something—you hurt someone, screwed something up, what have you—feelings of guilt
still
aren’t going to get you anywhere. They’re utterly destructive and only make things worse. Human beings make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones, but the only way to handle them is to learn from them, make amends, and make changes. Period.

“Whoever has done harmful actions but later covers them up with good is like the moon which, freed from clouds, lights up the world.”

—
THE BUDDHA

WORKING IT OUT

Let’s put all this advice into practice and work on some exercises to release shame and guilt.
Forever
. This might make your skin crawl a bit. It will require revisiting some dark moments and getting close to some scary feelings of hurt, inadequacy, and humiliation—you may want to curl up in a ball just thinking about it. But it’s important to pull these things out by the root. Once you do, you’ll clear the way for a new, strong, loving sense of self-worth that no one will be able to destroy. Just say no to guilt and shame
.

1. Start a “Shame and Blame” list. Not so that you can dwell on it and feel even worse about yourself, but so that you can identify
where other people have piled their crap onto yours and where you have piled your crap onto others. For each item on the list, ask yourself the following questions:

a) Was this my fault? If so, how can I take responsibility for it, make amends, and fix it?

b) If it wasn’t my fault, whose issue is it really? Am I taking on someone else’s stuff or trying to keep someone else from being angry, upset, or disappointed?

c) What do I contribute to making the issue worse? Do I beat myself up over it? Speak negatively about myself? Deprive myself of love and nurturing?

d) If I could get rid of my feelings of guilt or shame, what would the issue look like and how would it affect my life?

2. Make amends. If you have actually done something hurtful to someone else that you feel guilt and shame about, there is a way forward: making amends. This will not be a comfortable task, but it’s the only path to your emotional freedom. You go to the other person and accept responsibility for the part you played. Offer a sincere apology. Vow to change your behavior and never to make the same mistake. (Talk is cheap. Action is what counts most. “Sorry” alone doesn’t cut it.) And last, see if there’s anything you can do to right the wrong or make reparation. If you can’t fix it—we can’t fix everything—what can you learn from the mistake, and how can you make amends so that everyone involved can move on?

3. Forgive yourself. By now you know that the F-word (
forgiveness
—get your mind out of the gutter) is essential. It applies to all scenarios and circumstances, including forgiving yourself. This is an order. By this point you have cleaned up your side of the street, and no matter what, it’s okay—and, in fact, it’s imperative—for you to release any shame or guilt you might be carrying. Whether the other person accepts your atonement and finds peace is now up to them. I want you to take some time to
reflect on who you are inside and what was really going on with you when you did the things you regret. You’re not a bad person. We all make mistakes, react angrily, screw up, and so on, and that’s part of being human. Show yourself the same compassion and love you would show any other person who’s in pain, and let the rest of it go. For good
.

DWELL ON THE POSITIVE:
THE ART OF SELF-AFFIRMATIONS

I know you’re thinking right now of that old
Saturday Night Live
sketch with Al Franken, and you’re giggling, right? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” Although that sketch was absurd and hilarious, the things we think about ourselves, the things we say to ourselves in that constant inner monologue, really do affect our external lives. Remember, thoughts are
things
with dynamic power. How many times a day do you call yourself an idiot, lazy, fat, or ugly? Negative attitudes and abusive self-talk
will
sabotage your journey toward your goals. Every thought you think is a reflection of your inner truth. So this exercise is all about reprogramming: learning to replace those sniping comments with positive, loving affirmations.

And before you get giggly about the word
affirmation
, it’s simply a short positive statement meant to challenge, undermine, and replace negative beliefs with a healthy, optimistic attitude that steers you toward success. What’s so funny about that? It’s important to construct your affirmations in just the right way. Here are the two big rules:

• Focus on only positive words and phrases. As we talked about in
  Chapter 2
  , focus on coming from a place of abundance, as you do when you are praying for something or trying to create a different outcome. Use positive words. If you use negative words, your subconscious mind will hear and place the focus on them.
  
• Also be sure to use the present, not the future, tense. Saying “I will be” this or “I will accomplish” that places your ideal reality in an indefinite future. Instead, tell yourself that you are this or are accomplishing that
  now
  . Sure, there’s a little self-trickery involved, but that’s the point. The goal is to get your subconscious mind to adapt and accept your affirmations
  as
  reality, so that they can
  become
  reality.
  

Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

Don’t say

“I will not get tired or sick during my workout today.” All your brain hears is
tired, sick
, and
workout
, so that is the reality you will create: a workout that makes you tired and sick.

Do say

“I am strong and healthy, with the energy I need to get through my workout.” This statement, using self-assured, positive language, exudes confidence that will create the outcome you desire: a strong workout that delivers results and makes you feel great
.

Don’t say

“I will not be afraid of making this presentation at work.” Your mind picks up on the word
afraid
and focuses on it. The second you start your presentation, the fear will kick right in.

Do say

“I am capable and prepared to give a kick-ass presentation.” Your mind takes in the words
capable, prepared
, and
kick-ass
, and moves into a place of self-assurance, allowing you to relax and give a powerful presentation
.

Don’t say

“I will make plenty of money and have the security I want and deserve.” This statement puts success in an unknown, unspecified future, leaving you in a state of limbo in the present.

Do say

“I have plenty of money and the security I want and deserve.” Even if you
don’t
have plenty of money, if you focus on the having, rather than the lack of having, you will attach yourself to the
feeling
of having. And when your mind attaches to something so positive, look out world!

TURN IT AROUND

The idea behind this next exercise is to utilize your positive affirmations and literally create an antidote for each negative statement you hurt yourself with, thereby reversing its effects. First, make a list of all the negative things you think about and say to yourself on a regular basis. Don’t hold back—get it all out on the table so we can see what we’re dealing with. Now, the hard part.

Take every single one of those statements, and turn what your mind latches on to as negative into something
positive
. My favorite example for this comes from, of all places, a commercial about athletic shoes. A woman was talking about her “thunder thighs,” but instead of taking it to a negative place, she turned it around by acknowledging how strong they are, how far they could carry her when she ran, and best of all, how she looked forward to bouncing her grandchildren on her powerful “thunder thighs” when she was older.

You can do this with
anything
. It can be challenging, but work at it, as often as possible. In turning things around, you are retraining your mind to support and nurture you rather than cut you down and hold you back.

Here are some other examples: Do you call yourself stupid every time you make the tiniest mistake? Back up from that strong negative language and remind yourself that
everyone
makes mistakes—it’s a positive sign that you’re living, doing, and being.
And
you never know where your mistakes will lead.