Unmatchable (23 page)

“
I kind of figured. But I still don't think I'm worth it. Like I said, I know it doesn't make much sense. I guess I'm just clinging to my past. Knowing that my brother is in town has brought up a lot of repressed emotions, and I'm having a hard time dealing with them. I shouldn't have said anything.”

“
No. Look at me.” I wait until I have her attention before I speak again. “I want you to tell me these things. I want you to tell me everything. Your problems are my problems. It's my job to listen to you and try to understand. We're going to get through this together. Just let me know what you need, and I'll do my best to provide it, whether it be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, space. Let me help you.”

Her eyes water, and she withdraws. For a moment, I think I've lost her, but then she says, “See, you're too good for me.”

“
I'm not. We're both just people.”

“
We're not just people, Colton. You were born to a good family. To privilege. All of this comes natural to you.” She gestures at the restaurant. “I know you have demons too, but our demons are different. You're in a good place right now. Mine are still haunting me. They might haunt me forever.

“
You're such a good man. Kind and thoughtful and compassionate. I don't want to drag you down with my bad moods. You deserve to be happy.”

I slide my chair over next to hers and rub her back. “Hey. Calm down. I know you're overwhelmed right now. Let's just enjoy this meal and each other's company. We'll take things one step at a time. If you want me to back off on the fine dining for a while, I can do that. I just thought this would be nice. You deserve nice things, Ember.”

She leans over to rest her head on my shoulder. “I'm sorry, Colton. I just feel like I'm kind of going out of my mind right now. You've been nothing but wonderful to me. You don't deserve this.”

“
Lots of talk about who deserves what,” I tease her. “You know what we both deserve?”

“
What?” she sounds like a child.

“
A good meal and some champagne. And speaking of which.”

Watching the waiter walk through the door with our bottle and two flute glasses is like a breath of fresh air. The alcohol is much needed right now. Maybe it will help Ember to relax a bit. She seems wound like a top.

When he finishes pouring us each a glass, I raise mine for a toast. “To us. To facing the challenges of life together. And to enjoying a one of a kind meal.”

Ember gives me a halfhearted smile before clinking glasses and sipping the champagne. I drink mine with a bit more fervor.

To keep things light and fun, I order the eight-course dinner tasting for both of us. We sample our way through a caprese salad, a fish filet with green risotto and corn soufflé, duck confit, lime sorbet intermezzo, a sirloin steak, 3-cheese platter, coconut tres leches, and a box of chocolates. I stay by Ember's side, feeding her from my fork. Eventually, she starts to loosen up. Her scowl turns into a smile. Her worries turn into laughter. By the end of the meal, I feel like we're in a much better place.

I decide not to rock the boat by trying for more sex when we get back to my loft. The fact that I've been advancing on her every chance that I get probably doesn't speak well towards my pure intentions. Instead, we curl up in bed, and I simply hold her while she falls asleep. Having her in my arms fills my heart with warmth. I know, without a doubt, that I'd kill any man who ever tried to harm her. I just hope it doesn't ever come to that.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

EMBER

The night is riddled with memories of my past. My dreams are so vivid that it feels like I'm reliving my life in Salisbury. It starts with hearing the news that my grandmother decided to give my mother the money she had saved up for my college tuition. The panic that I felt when I heard that is palpable. There was no doubt in my mind that my mother was just going to flush the money away on her drug habit like she always did whenever she had some extra cash. While $1,500 isn't a lot of money for college tuition, it's enough to buy quite a bit of cocaine.

I knew when my grandmother told me that my mother would be coming to pick the money up over the weekend that I had to act fast. If she got to it first, I definitely wouldn't be going to college. There's no way that my mother ever would have handed the money over to me.

The next day, I walked nearly twenty miles in a snowstorm to get to my grandmother's house. It was freezing and windy and I was miserable, but I knew that I had to make it. There were times that I thought if I died before I reached my grandmother's house, it might be a blessing. It would certainly be better than having to live out the rest of my life in North Carolina.

By some miracle, I made it. I felt bad lying to my grandmother, but I had to tell her that my mother knew I was there to pick up the money. Thankfully, she didn't ask questions. We visited for about an hour, I took the cash, and then I walked to the bus stop, climbed aboard and bought fare to Houston, never looking back.

The difference between my dream and reality, though, was that in my dream my brother found me. He found me as soon as I got to Houston and he had all of his 'friends' with him. I can still remember their hands on me. Their cocks inside of me. I scream and cry and struggle, and no one comes to the rescue.

Then I wake up in a pool of sweat and Colton is leaning over me with a look of concern on his perfect face. He brushes my hair away from my eyes and pulls me into his arms. I shiver and stifle the sobs trying to make their way to the surface. He comforts me the best he can, telling me that I'm safe—that I'm going to be okay.

I am okay, but it doesn't feel that way at the moment. Not when the horrible dream is still fading. Even being held doesn't offer solace. To be honest, it feels more like an attack—like imprisonment. Fight or flight response makes me want to wiggle out of Colton's arms, but I don't. He's only trying to help, and I've slighted him enough by being a basket case lately.

We eat breakfast in near silence, which I find more disconcerting that comforting. I think Colton is starting to wonder what he's gotten himself into. Even though his words have been nothing but kind, surely he has to have some apprehension about wanting to be with me now. I've taken his generosity and practically thrown it back in his face—made it seem like I don't appreciate the things he's done for me. That's not true. I do love the time we've spent together. I'm just starting to feel worthless again, and that's dragging me down to a dark place—a place he shouldn't have to see.

I leave as soon as I'm finished eating breakfast, not wanting to infect the rest of his day with my bad mood. He doesn't try to stop me, but part of me wishes that he had despite telling myself that I'm glad he just let me go. I'm not sure what I need or want anymore. Now, more than ever, I wish that things with Doctor Spalding weren't so strained.

As soon as I get home, I think about calling her. The odds of her squeezing me in again are slim to none, especially when I was so rude at our last appointment. It's time for me to let her go—to find someone else to listen to my problems. No one else will take me on with such short notice, though, especially on on a Sunday.

Reluctantly, I turn to the internet. There are websites that offer immediate psychological services. Desperate to get some advice, I spend about an hour going through the various websites before I find one that looks promising. Breakthrough lets you connect with a therapist via video chat. They allow you to pick your psychologist based on their specialties and pricing. Even though I worry it might not be as comfortable and effective as the traditional method, I decide to give it a try.

I book an appointment with April Lage, a clinical social worker who has experience in relationships and family issues. When her camera turns on, I'm greeted by her living room in the backdrop and the sound of dogs barking. Not exactly professional, but maybe this will be alright. The whole point of telecommuting is to be able to relax at home while you work, after all.

Unfortunately, she seems just as distracted by all of the noise in her house as I am. For the first ten minutes of my appointment, she keeps taking mini-breaks to yell at her dogs. Finally, she puts them away, and we can get down to business.

I feel like I'm fighting the clock as I try to get my story out. Condensing years worth of physical and emotional abuse into a one-hour appointment while also trying to save enough time to actually get the advice I paid for is no small feat. Thankfully, she's not one of those people who makes me stop every few minutes to delve deeper into issues that are beyond what I contacted her for. She sits patiently and listens until I'm done speaking. When I glance at the clock, I groan internally, realizing that there's only fifteen minutes left. Maybe I should have booked two hours.

“
So, you say you felt a disconnect last night,” April says.

“
Yes. Ever since I saw Alex, I've felt uncertain about my relationship with Colton,” I confess.

“
But before that, you were fine with it. I mean, you were fine with him spending money on you.”

“
I don't think I was ever really fine with it. I just didn't think about it.

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When I moved to Houston, I tried to abandon all of my old notions about how money affects social status or how it contributes to a person's overall worth. And when Colton and I started dating, I didn't think it would go very far, so I didn't even worry about it. I didn't think about how it would make me feel if we stayed together.”

“
You know that money has nothing to do with a person's overall worth. It's what's on the inside, not how much money a person makes.” She quirks a sharply lined eyebrow.

I'm annoyed. Almost the entire appointment, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that she thinks I'm stupid. Her mannerisms aren't jiving well with me. The few times she has spoken up, it seems more like she's been trying to correct me than actually give me advice. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

“
I know. But in relation to my past, money has always been a big deal.”

“
Do you think that your attraction to Alex has anything to do with the way that you feel?”

“
I'm sure it factors in there in some way. When I'm with Alex, I just feel a natural comfort that isn't there with Colton.”

“
Regardless, this Alex guy is only going to be here for a month. I wouldn't put much thought into things with him.”

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I'm not. There is nothing with him. It just makes me question my relationship with Colton. He's a great guy, but sometimes I worry that he only cares about sex.”

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Have you talked to him about it?” It's the obvious question—the one I knew she would ask next.

“
No. I feel it would be rude to ask, especially with as patient as he's been with me. Besides, I'm not sure if my other issues are what is triggering these concerns. I just recently became comfortable with the idea of having sex again—that sex isn't a bad thing. Knowing that my brother is in town—the person who ruined me sexually—might be having an effect on my feelings about sex.”

“
Well, it sounds like you're very self-aware. That's a good thing.”

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I suppose it is. I just don't know how to get past this. I don't want it to mess up my relationship.”

She taps her pen on the top of her desk for a moment, thinking. “It sounds like what's going on is all in your head. It might be beneficial for you to face your brother. That also might bring up even more of those repressed feelings about sex, though. If Colton really cares about you, he'll understand if you push him away for a while. You've proven that your negative thoughts and feelings can fade with time. If you care about him, eventually things should go back to the way they were before your brother came.

“
As for Alex, if seeing him stirs up all of these feelings, then it might be better for you not to see him. As you said, he's no longer a part of your life, and he's only going to be around for a short while. Subjecting yourself to the stress of being around him while you're also trying to figure out things with your brother is only going to put added pressure on your relationship. This might be one of those situations where it's better to pick and choose your battles. You said your peace to him already. That's done and out of the way. There's no need to put yourself in situations that are going to unnecessarily compromise your thoughts and feelings.”

That was better advice than I thought it was going to be.

“
I already told him I'd see him again,” my voice is small, and for the first time, I realize that I do actually want to see Alex again. It makes me feel selfish that I can't just force myself to cut him off completely like I did three years ago.

“
Make up excuses for why you can't. He doesn't need to know the truth.”

“
But that will make me feel horrible. He was always there for me growing up. And I feel so bad that I just abandoned him.” I frown.

She sighs. “At the end of the day, it's up to you. I can't tell you what to do. I can only give you advice.

“
Just know that either choice bears a consequence. You already know that seeing him alters the way you feel in regards to your relationship. It brings back thoughts about yourself that are no longer true—that you're not good enough, that you need to be protected and comforted. He may be a great guy, but you have to decide whether you're strong enough to maturely process the feelings that come with seeing him.”

“
Isn't that better than just avoiding him? I need to see my brother so that I can get over the negative feelings that thinking about him causes. Wouldn't it work the same for seeing Alex?”

She flattens her hands and places them on opposite sides of the desk, looking at them as if they're two parts. “The difference is that seeing your brother stirs up repressed memories of your past. Those haunt you on a deep emotional level. They cause you to harbor a resentment that's unhealthy.

“
On the other hand, seeing Alex reminds you of thoughts that you had of yourself in the past—that you were unworthy to be loved because of everything that happened to you. Those thoughts are directly related to how you process your current relationship. You said yourself that Colton is a great man—the best you've ever had. Everything was perfect until Alex came into the picture.

“
I think that deep down inside you still like Alex—that you still want him. As you said, there's a comfort and familiarity there, so it's easy to be drawn to him. Being with him, though, is unrealistic. He travels for work, you have unrequited feelings, and there will always be that link to the past with him. Remember that that's something you've been trying to escape.

“
While I don't know either man, personally, I think that your relationship with Colton is much healthier for you. From what you've told me, he seems to adore you. Maybe his sex drive is a little high, but I think that's normal. You need to decide if that's a deal breaker for you.”

“
It's not,” I interject.

“
I know that you would feel guilty for abandoning Alex again. You feel like you owe him something for being there for you for all of those years. It has been years since you've seen each other, though. He's had time to heal from a lot of his wounds just as you have. And you've already given him the closure that he needs to fully move on by apologizing.

“
It may sound cruel, but everyone comes into our lives for a reason and those who leave, leave for a reason. Friendships and crushes run their course. I know it's sad sometimes, but that's just the way of life. Some relationships are better off buried. And some relationships bury other relationships. I can't make the choice for you, but I think it's better if you just let this one go.”

I glance down at the clock and sigh. My appointment is officially over.

I thank April for her advice and pay her, not feeling much better when I log off of the website. While I know her advice was solid, I still feel conflicted. I realize that my thoughts about not being good enough for Colton are unmerited, but when I think about where I came from, I still can't help but feel them. The fact is, he could do much better than me. Find someone with a good earning career. Someone with less baggage. Someone who can give themselves to him freely night after night without the threat of things triggering memories of sexual abuse. Someone who is happy all the time and well-rounded. I'm not those things. I was working towards becoming them, but a wrench has been thrown into the cogs, and I'm not sure how to get it unstuck. Right now, I just feel like everything is on the verge of blowing up, and I don't want Colton there when it happens.