Unmatchable (26 page)

She casts a sideways glance at me. “And you haven't texted me.”

“
Do I always have to text you first?”

She drags her tongue across her bottom lip, thinking. “No. You don't.”

“
So you've purposely been avoiding me?”

“
Colton, I'm going through a lot right now.”

“
I realize that, but it's no reason to shut me out.”

“
I know.”

“
If you want me to go away, I will. If you want things to be over between us, just say the word. Know that I don't want to lose you, though. It's not what I want. But I suppose that doesn't matter right now.” My eyes fall to the carpet. “What do you want, Ember?”

Silence fills the room like a noxious gas. It strangles me, makes me feel like the second she speaks my heart may shatter into a million pieces.

“
I don't know.” She draws her knees up to her chest and hugs her legs.

“
If I did something wrong, let me know. I'll try to fix it.”

“
You haven't done anything wrong, Colton. It's me, not you. You've been nothing but perfect.”

“
Don't you like me anymore?” I realize how pathetic it sounds, but I'm desperately searching for any kind of a real answer.

She lets out a short laugh, turning to me finally. “Of course, I like you. You're everything that any girl could ever want.”

“
Then what is it? Why don't
yo
u
want me? Because I don't want any other girl. I want you.”

Ember rakes her fingers through her hair, looking stressed. “Like I said, I'm going through a lot right now. It might not be the best time for me to date.”

“
You were fine until you heard about your brother being in town. That changed something in you.”

“
I know. And now I'm not fine. I don't know how to explain it.”

I lean back against the sofa, staring at the same place she was before. “You know what I think? I think you're so used to dealing with your problems alone that you don't know how to cope with having someone else thrown into the mix that cares about you. I think that you feel like you need to carry the weight of everything that happened to you—everything that is happening to you—on your own.

“
If that's what you want—what you truly want—then fine. But know that you don't have to carry that weight on your own. You probably think that it's a burden to me, but it's not. I want to help you carry that weight. I want to be with you when you get over this hurdle. I've seen the girl who can smile and laugh and doesn't take shit from anyone. I know that she's gone for right now because she's in a vulnerable place, but I want to be here when she comes back. I want to be a part of what makes her come back.”

When I look over at Ember again, her eyes are closed, and there are tears streaming down her cheeks. I take her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “I want you, Ember. I want to be with you. Through the good and the bad. The ups and the downs. Please don't push me away because you're scared. If there's any other reason, I'll understand. But don't let this—your past—be our undoing.”

“
Okay,” her voice is barely a whisper.

“
Okay?” My eyes dance over her face, soaking in her pain and wishing that I could absorb it.

“
I'm sorry I was avoiding you.” She breaks into sobs, leaning into me.

The admission that she was avoiding me hurts, but I feel like we've made a breakthrough. Maybe the pain is over for both of us now.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

EMBER

Lying in Colton's arms, I sleep better than I have in a while. A few days apart from him didn't bring anywhere near as much clarity to my situation as seeing him last night did. When I looked into his eyes, I saw nothing but love, and I quickly realized what an idiot I've been.

Just as April said, my past should stay in my past. Alex's confession of love changes nothing. He's only staying in town for a short while, and we're different people now. I don't really know him anymore, and he doesn't know me. The only thing I do know is that I want my life to continue in the direction that it was going before he came back into the picture. I want my life to continue with Colton.

To do that, though, I feel like I need to tell him everything. No more secrets. No more avoiding him. If he's going to be by my side, then he needs to know it all.

My alarm wakes us up in the morning, but I feel too comfortable to want to stir. I roll over and smile as I look at Colton. My God, he's the most handsome guy I've ever seen. How did I ever get so lucky? Not only is he good-looking, but he's kind and understanding. I really hit the jackpot when he walked into my life. I'd be an idiot to let him go.

“
Good morning.” I squeeze his arm to my chest before inhaling a gob of snot that effectively reminds me that things aren't exactly back to being perfect.

“
Good morning, Princess.” He grins at me, brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes. “Did you enjoy your breakfast?”

“
Breakfast?” It takes a minute for me to realize what he's getting at. Then I turn and slap at his chest. “Colton, that's gross.”

“
You're the one who swallowed.”

“
I thought you liked girls who swallow.” I scrunch my nose at him.

“
Touché.”

I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling. There's so much that I want to say to Colton, but I don't know where to start.

“
Are you alright?” He gives me a concerned look.

“
Besides the fact that my sinuses are compacted?” I eye him, then sulk a bit. “No.”

“
Talk to me.” He leans over to give me a gentle kiss on the forehead.

“
I'm scared to.”

“
Why?”

“
Because I'm not sure how you'll feel about what I'm going to say.”

The lines in his face deepen. “Tell me anyway.”

“
When Alex was over here the other day...he confessed that he has feelings for me.”

Colton's body stiffens with tension. “And how do you feel about him?”

I take a moment to process my thoughts, wanting to be as honest as possible. “There was a time when I did have feelings for him.”

“
And now?”

“
And now...My life is different. He's not in it, and the fact that he's passing through town doesn't change that.”

“
So you're saying that you do still have feelings for him?” He lets out a bitter laugh, backing away from me a little.

I grip his arm so that he can't roll away completely. “I'm saying that I choose you.”

“
You chose me because I came chasing after you. If I hadn't, would you have chosen him instead?” The accusation in his voice makes my heart throb with pain.

“
No. I wouldn't have.”

“
Then why did you push me away?”

I sigh, letting him go. “Back when I was still in Salisbury, I never expressed my feelings to Alex because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Because of what my brother did to me—what he made me do—I felt tainted. Unworthy of love.

“
Seeing Alex again brought those repressed feelings back to the surface. Except instead of having them towards him, I had them towards you. I tried to tell you several times. Even last time we were together.

“
There are times when I don't feel good enough for you. Maybe it's illogical, but it's because of my upbringing and my past that I feel this way.

“
It was different with Alex. He never knew I liked him, so it was easy to just keep quiet. Every time I considered telling him that I cared for him, those thoughts of worthlessness would creep back in, and I was able to keep my mouth shut.

“
With you, we're already invested. I can't take back the things I've said to you. Pushing you away is the simplest solution.

“
I know it seems harsh, but believe me when I say that I haven't done it because I don't like you. Quite the opposite. I adore you. I've done it because I wanted better for you.”

Malice drains from his eyes and is replaced by understanding. He takes my hand in his and entwines our fingers. “You don't get to choose what's best for me, Ember. That's for me to decide.”

“
I know.” I nod. “I know that now. All I want to do is try to make things better. And I'm going to start by facing my problems head on instead of running away from them. The sooner I can get past this, the sooner things can get back to normal with us.” I take a deep breath. While I have thought what I'm about to say, actually saying it makes me feel committed. “I've decided to go see my brother.”

“
Do you want me to go with you?”

“
No.” I shake my head. “This is something I need to do on my own. I appreciate the offer, though.”

“
When are you planning on going?”

“
Tonight. If I keep putting it off, I might never get it done.”

“
It is probably better to get it done and over with,” Colton agrees.

“
It is.” I chew my bottom lip, staring up at the ceiling as tremors of discomfort race through me just from the thought of seeing Nelson again.

“
Hey.” Colton places his hand on my tummy and gives me a gentle shake. “Enough thinking about heavy stuff for now.”

“
What else is there to think about?” I turn to him.

“
Us. This. Right now.” He points to the bed.

“
What about us, this, and right now?” I smirk.

“
I can think of a few things that would make it more pleasant.” He wiggles his eyebrows, and I laugh.

“
I bet you can.”

“
Care for me to show you?” He walks his fingers down to the waistband of my shorts.

I give no resistance as he sits up and pulls them over my ass and down my legs along with my underwear. Any kind of sexual contact with him is most welcome right now. I've been avoiding it because I was worried I wouldn't feel a connection—that I'd just be going through the motions. Now, though, it's exactly what I need to know that everything is alright between us.

Colton slides his hands between my thighs and spreads my legs. I turn my head to the side and blush as he looks me over.

“
I've missed touching you. Missed kissing you down here.” He lowers himself, lifting up my shirt to kiss my navel. I squirm slightly from the feathery touch of his lips.

Just knowing that he's so close to the heat of my sex makes me wet. My hormones kick in full force when he trails his tongue down my inner thigh. It's amazing how much I actually missed this—how I didn't realize that I could miss this.

The blade of his tongue pushes between my folds, and I gasp as just the tip touches my sensitive clit. I buck my hips up to meet him, and he chuckles, hooking his hands around my waist to push me back against the bed.

“
Down girl,” he teases.

I glare at him playfully over my breasts. My nipples are two rocks pressing against the front of my tank top. I wish my face wasn't so red. Wish I looked sexier for him. Then again, he's not really focused on my face right now anyway.

His hands wander down between my legs, and he spreads my lips with his fingers before lowering his mouth onto me. I whimper in abandonment as he slicks his tongue around my cleft before nibbling gently on my clit. When he pushes his tongue inside of me, I fist my hand in his hair, driving him deeper.

He curses against me, his warm breath causing my core to pulse. Then he wraps his lips around my clit and sucks until I'm writhing and panting beneath him. The flat of his tongue presses hard against my nub, rubbing in tight, hard circles until I can't handle the pressure anymore. The orgasm that tears through me is unlike anything I've felt before, both physical and emotional.

“
Oh God.” I place my hands at my sides and curl my fingers into the comforter, trying to ground myself.

Colton laps at my juices. When he finally emerges from between my legs, I'm embarrassed by the glistening sheen that my pleasure left behind.

He crawls up beside me and pulls me into his arms, kissing me passionately. My heart throbs with desire for him. I feel like a cup that's been filled to the brim with contentment. My appreciation of him is overflowing. My appreciation...and my love. I love him. Now, I just need to finish making things right.

***

After Colton leaves my apartment and I head to work, it seems like everything starts going wrong. I spill coffee down the front of my blouse. My sinuses flare up to the point that my eyes nearly swell shut. My boss is in a particularly foul mood. The day chisels away at my resolve to see Nelson.

By the time the workday is done, I feel frazzled and miserable and like I just want to go home and sleep for months. I crawl into the driver's side of my Prius and sit there for a good fifteen minutes with my head resting against the steering wheel sniffling every few seconds. When I glance up at the rearview mirror, I look like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It reminds me of a time when my father came home drunk and punched me for not getting out of his way fast enough. Definitely not a good memory to carry with me on my way to see my brother for the first time in three years.

You can't avoid Nelson for the rest of your life. Well, you probably could, but you'd still have these feelings. They're not healthy. You need closure. Need to tell him that what he did to you fucked you up royally. Need to tell him that you'll never be able to forgive him
.

My thoughts reflect my mood. Bitter and angry. It's probably not the best time to tackle this. Then again, maybe it is. If I feel like crap, then I likely won't sugarcoat what I have to say.

I take a deep breath and pull out of the parking lot, forcing my car in the direction of the hotel where Nelson and Alex are staying. The thought of seeing either one of them fills me with dread.

By the time I park my car in front of the hotel, my heart is pounding like it's about to jump out of my chest. I feel nauseous and uneasy and everything in between. Looking up at the rows of hotel rooms, I know that Nelson is staying in one of them. The last time I was this close to my brother, I was afraid of him. Is that still the case? Is that really why I don't want to go in?

He can't do anything to you now. Besides, Alex will be there to protect you. All you have to do is speak your peace and leave. This doesn't have to be any more difficult than that.

I wring my hands around the steering wheel, trying to negate some of my stress. I know better than anyone that it won't work. The longer I sit here, the more the tension is going to build until eventually I chicken out and leave. I need to get out of my head and back into reality before it's too late.

Taking a deep breath, I try to clear my mind of any preconceived notions that I have of what will happen before I open the door and force myself out into the summer heat. I walk through the lobby of the hotel in a daze. Only my feet seem present as I move like a soulless ghost closer to my enemy.

When I stop in front of room 201, the haziness leaves my eyes. My pulse is pumping so hard that I worry I might have a panic attack. For several minutes, I just stand there listening to the sound of the television on the other side of the door. No voices can be heard. It's almost comforting thinking that Nelson might not actually be inside—that I somehow might have managed to dodge a bullet that needs to hit me.

I close my eyes and raise my hand to knock on the door, but then I hesitate. The panic raging inside of me is too much to bear. I can't do this.

Half-jogging, I make my way back to the elevator. I press the button to go down and then sit on a bench across from the elevator. With shaking hands, I pull my phone out of my purse and type out a quick text message to Colton.

Ember: I can't do it.

Colton: Where are you?

Ember: I'm at the hotel. I got as far as standing in front of the door to his room, but I couldn't knock. I feel so ashamed.

Tears sear my eyes but don't spill over. The amount of frustration I'm experiencing is giving me a headache.

Colton: Do you want me to come get you?