Unmatchable (29 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

EMBER

Then tension in my chest as I stand outside of room 201 is only half of what it was the first time I was here. Maybe because back then I was determined to hold on to my hatred of Nelson. Now, there's a bit of surrender. Knowing that he's not out to hurt me anymore, I've allowed my guard to fall a little.

Instead of showing up unannounced, I called in advance. Alex is already gone. I definitely didn't want to have to see him again.

Nelson opens the door with the same warm smile he wore last time he saw me. I try to keep my disdain at bay. I still can't force myself to look happy, though.

“
Thanks for agreeing to see me again,” I say before stepping past him.

“
Thank you for coming again. I know this was really hard for you.” He trails behind me.

The understanding in his voice makes me sick. He sounds like a shrink—like he's fully healed—and he's far from it.

Nelson offers me a drink. I accept, and he gives me a bottle of water from the mini-fridge. He takes his seat on the bed, and we fall into a long silence.

“
Sooo, how have you been?” He taps his own bottle of water nervously. It makes me grin.

“
Up and down,” I huff, mad at myself for letting the memory of our childhood soften me.

“
That's life, isn't it?” He lets out a short laugh.

“
I suppose it is.”

He shifts his weight before looking at me. “Listen, Ember, I'm really sorry. I can't take back everything that I did. Hell, I can't take back anything that I did. And to be honest, I don't know how I can atone for it besides apologizing and trying to rebuild our relationship. But I want you to know that that is what I want. I miss my sister. And while I know there was a lot of bad memories—maybe even more bad memories than good the last few years that we were together—there were good memories. The good person that I was wasn't completely lost to the addiction. He was just hidden. Back then, I was too consumed with filling my selfish needs and looking good in front of my friends to care about anyone but myself. I didn't think about the consequences later on down the road. I was just living one day at a time, going through life with tunnel vision.

“
There's no excuse for it. Nothing that I say will make it better. Nothing that I do can take back the years of harm and emotional scars I caused you. All I can do is try to be the best man that I can be today. Because tomorrow is gone. It's not just gone for me. It's gone for you too.

“
We're both different people now. From the looks of it, we're both stronger people. Smarter. More independent. We have control over our lives.

“
We didn't have control back then. Neither one of us. You did more than I did, but still. If we're being honest with each other, life was hell. Not just for you, but for me too.

“
I was trying to escape it, and I went about it the wrong way. I wanted to get out of that life so bad that I turned to breaking the law because I thought it would get me out quicker than going the clean method. I was wrong. All it did was drag me deeper into the despair that I was trying to escape. And once I saw it happening—once I finally pulled my head out of my ass and opened my eyes to the reality that I was creating for myself—it was already too late. I had lost my dignity and my soul...and worst of all you.”

Tears spill down his cheeks, and his hands shake. Even though I don't want to feel for him, I do. I feel for him because I remember how it was. I remember the days when we barely had enough food to get by. I remember watching my father beat my brother bloody because of an argument over what to watch on television. And I can remember when Nelson started changing because he didn't want to have to deal with the bullshit anymore. I remember him telling me that he joined a gang because he wanted a family—a real family—because we weren't one. I remember him giving me food that he had stolen because my mother skipped out on buying groceries and used the money to fuel her own addiction instead. I remember the bad before it got really bad. And I remember the bad things that he did with the best intentions before he just stopped giving a shit.

“
Please, forgive me, Ember,” he begs. “I need your forgiveness. I don't think I'll ever be whole without it.”

The connection I feel with him right now is something I haven't experienced since we were children. When I stare across at him, I see my own reflection. Two broken people just trying to get past the wrongs that were done to them.

The moment is so intense that it strikes at my very core. My heart aches for both of us. I bite the inside of my cheek until it bleeds just to keep my eyes from watering. He was always the strong one when we were kids. Now it's my turn.

I try to keep the quivering from my voice as I speak. “I don't know if I can forgive you, but I want to.”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. I know it's not the answer he wanted to hear, but it's the best I can give.

“
I understand. Just remember that harboring resentment towards someone else is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die from it. I don't want this to continue poisoning your life, as I'm sure it has.”

“
That's a Nelson Mandela quote. Or close to it.” I smirk. “I personally prefer this one
.
Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you
.
Ovid, Metamorphoses.”

Nelson opens his eyes and smiles. “An appropriate quote. Also what comes before it.
Happy is the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind, and has given up worrying once and for all
.
”

“
It appears you've become well read over the years.”

“
I had to find something to consume the time when I wasn't destroying my body and mind.”

As we look at each other, I feel a sense of peace. Never had I imagined that I could be sitting here sharing a civil conversation with him—that we'd be able to be in the same room without me screaming seething hatred at him. It's almost surreal.

“
I should go.” I stand, not wanting the moment to be ruined. While there's little threat of that happening, I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Nelson walks me to the door. When we get there, and I step outside of the room, I turn to him to say my goodbyes. There's still awkwardness between us, but it's nowhere near what it was before.

His expression is genuine. “I love you, sis. I'll have Alex text you my phone number. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. I'll do what I can to make up for the douchebag I was in the past. Of course, you can always feel free to drop by before we leave town.”

“
When will that be?”

“
I think in about a week and a half. Our job here is almost done.”

I nod solemnly. Part of me is sad that he's leaving. If he stayed, maybe we could take the time to repair our relationship further. I know that's not realistic, though. Staying on the road is the best thing for him. Being with Alex. Alex will take care of Nelson the same way he did me. He'll keep Nelson grounded.

“
Alright. Take care of yourself, okay.”

I get the faintest urge to hug him, but I end up waving instead. Baby steps. We're just not there yet. Even though many of my walls got broken down today, I don't feel comfortable enough to hug him. Maybe someday...after a few more years of healing.

There's a lightness in my step as I return to my car and drive home. It feels like another weight has been lifted off of my chest. Like an onion, the layers of dry, useless bitterness are being peeled away to reveal something fresh and clean beneath.

When I get home, I sit on my sofa and try to watch television. The only images playing in front of my eyes, though, are of my past. I keep thinking about how Nelson said he'd never be whole without my forgiveness. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be whole even if I forgive him.

There's so much pain that will never truly go away. My baggage will follow me until the day that I die. Scabs can heal, but scars never go away.

The more I think about it, the darker place that my mind goes to. While things with Nelson are close to resolved, I worry about how my past will continue to affect my relationship with Colton. There will always be conflict with my family. I will likely never be able to take him home to meet my parents because I'm ashamed of them and am still on the same path of avoidance that I took with Nelson. There are still so many hurdles that I need to climb over.

Colton doesn't have these problems. From what I know of him, the worst thing that has happened in his life was the abortion. And he had wanted the kid. How would I feel if I were to become pregnant? I know firsthand that having a child when you're not financially prepared isn't fair for both the parent and the child. My struggles growing up were proof of that. My parents never should have had kids. Ever.

There's no doubt in my mind that Colton would step up and take financial responsibility. If we broke up afterward, he would probably even fight for custody. I don't want to imagine that scenario, though. I would rather think about the two of us parenting as a couple, but even then I have my doubts. My mother was horrible. Both of my parents were horrible. What if I turned out like either one of them? I definitely inherited my father's temper, though nowhere near to the same degree. Knowing that makes me terrified of becoming a parent.

It's a dumb thing to think about so early in the relationship, but the thought is definitely there. That and a million others negatively pecking at me. Like how Colton is stable and I'm not. Like how anything can trigger me at any given moment and my first instinct is to push him away. Like how I've made so much progress sexually but there's no guarantee that I won't regress.

When I stand us side by side comparatively, he's leagues too good for me. I got lucky when he walked into my life—when he tore down my walls and took control. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, but I can't help thinking that I'm bad for him.

I revisit my feelings about Alex when I still lived in Salisbury. It's the same thing all over again. Thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness are creeping in and taking over.

Colton deserves someone with a good career. Someone mentally stable. Someone who won't push him away. He needs someone who will be ready to start a family—someone who won't doubt their ability to be a good parent. Someone who knows what it's like to grow up in a loving home and can instinctively provide the same to their child. Someone who is less quick to anger.

Colton needs someone who isn't me.

I allow my thoughts to poison my mood until I'm a crying mess. By the time I go to sleep, I'm convinced that Colton would be better off without me—that I should be alone until I've had time to fully get over my issues and figure out what I really want from life.

The angel on my shoulder tells me that sleep will make things better—that I've had a hard afternoon, and these are the unexpected aftereffects. But the following morning I don't feel any different. I know in my heart that everything that's gone on lately has been too much for me to handle. I need to take a full step back and re-evaluate my life. And I can't do that if anything or anyone is clouding my judgment. For the sake of my sanity and doing the best thing for Colton, I need to let him go.

***

The avoidance train takes off from the station. I prove to Colton that I'm a liar when I said I wouldn't push him away again. Every time he sends me a new text message, I ignore it. It's the easiest way to break up with him, in my opinion, but I know better than to expect him to go down without a fight. He cares about me too much, and that's what makes this hurt so badly. I just hope that someday he understands I did this because I care about him too—because he deserves the best and I'm not it.

My stress level stays at a ten while I go about my days waiting for the moment when he shows up on my doorstep. It doesn't take long. Two full days and nights without contact and I hear the gut wrenching sound of my doorbell ringing. Silently, I pray that it's Alex. I'm not that lucky though.

I open the door with a deadpan expression. Colton looks as handsome as ever, and my heart yearns for him the second I lay my eyes on his face. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of navy blue slacks. His hair is disheveled, and there are bags under his eyes. It's a sadistic thought, but sleeplessness is a good look on him.

“
Hey. Are you alright? You haven't been responding to my texts. I was worried that something happened.” Even his voice sounds tired.

“
I've been fine,” my tone is clipped.

“
Thank God.” He sighs, genuinely relieved. When he tries to step past me to come inside, I block his path.

“
Can I help you?”

He raises an eyebrow. “I haven't seen you in almost a week. Is it a crime that I want to spend time with you?”