Unmatchable (30 page)

“
Half a week,” I correct him. My heart is drumming so hard that I hug myself in fear it might jump right out of my chest. What I'm about to say can't be taken back. If I want any hope of salvaging my relationship, then I need to be kind, not cruel.

He deserves better. You're doing this for him. You will never be the woman that he truly needs.

Thinking that flips a switch on inside of me. It changes me from being the pathetically vulnerable girl that I've become since falling in love and puts me back into Beast mode. This is going to hurt more than anything I've ever done, but I have to get it over with so that the healing process can begin for both of us.

It takes everything in me to keep from trembling as I force the words out. “I thought that when I didn't respond to your text messages, you'd figure out that I'm breaking up with you.”

“
What?” He quirks his head back, confused.

“
I changed my mind. I decided that Alex is a better fit for me.” I can't even look at him as the lies spew from my lips.

“
But you said—”

“
I know what I said.” I hold my hand out to shut him up. “I was wrong. You could never understand what I've been through. He can.

“
I know this sucks, but you need to just accept it. We've already consummated our relationship. It's done and over with.”

“
Consummated your relationship.” He couldn't sound more disgusted if he tried. His expression is a mix of anger and devastation. Mostly devastation. And that kills me. “You're lying.”

“
I'm not lying.” I shake my head.

“
It took you forever to sleep with me. I highly doubt you're just going to jump right into bed with him.” He points down the corridor as if Alex is standing at the end.

“
Alex and I have known each other for
years
. I had only just met you. It makes sense that I would wait to have sex with you but not wait with him.”

“
You haven't spoken to him in what...three years? That makes him a stranger to you all over again.”

I sigh, tired of trying to fight my way through his logic.

“
We've been spending a lot of time together. It didn't take long for everything to come back.”

A vein in his neck bulges as he takes a step back and nods slowly. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest from the distance between us.

“
So I guess that's it, then.”

“
That's it.” The trembling inside of me finally reaches the surface, though I'm somehow able to keep it at a visual minimum. “I wish you all the best in the world, Colton. You—”

“
Oh save it.” He lets out a loud huff and turns away from me. “If you truly believed that, you wouldn't have cheated on me.”

Then he's gone.

I stand there listening to his footsteps. Each one draws a tear down my cheek. Each one chips another piece of my heart away. By the time I can't hear him anymore, there's nothing left. I can't even find the energy to go inside and close the door before I collapse into a heap of uncontrollable sobbing.

***

I just want to die. That's the best way to describe how I feel. No other emotion will cover it. I don't know what's holding me together—what's keeping me from walking out into traffic without a second thought. Perhaps it's the paralysis of my own pain.

Ever since Colton walked out of my life a few hours ago, I've just sat on the sofa in my living room staring at the blank television screen and feeling the warmth of my tears as they drip down my cheeks in a steady procession. My mind is trapped replaying the moment when he walked away—when I felt like I lost everything that mattered to me. Now...nothing matters. I don't care if I live or die. I don't care about my job. I don't care about all of the huge leaps I've made in recovering from my past. Everything in me revolves around the pain I'm feeling right now.

There's a knock on the door. My heart leaps up to my throat as my head snaps to look at it.

The first thought that enters me mind is that if it's Colton—if he's returned to try to win me back—I will fall to my knees before him, confess the truth and beg for his forgiveness. Even if protecting him by pushing him away seemed like the right thing to do, I can't stand to bear this pain anymore. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced.

Please, God. Let it be him.

I climb to my feet and walk towards the door. Each step is taken with more haste. It's like there's a string attached to the door, pulling me faster and faster. A string attached to my heart trying to get back to its match.

I don't even look through the peephole before I fling open the door. Then disappointment swells in me as I see Alex standing on the other side. Despite the fact that I don't hold any ill will towards him, I can't help but frown.

The smile he was wearing instantly contorts into concern. “What happened?”

“
I don't think I can talk to you right now.” I turn from him, feeling utterly defeated.

When I try to close the door, he wedges his foot inside so that I can't. Anger pushes its way to the surface, but it bursts like a bubble when I look at his face and remember that he does actually care about me. There's no reason for me to be cruel to him too.

“
Talk to me. You're in pain right now, I can tell. I might be able to help.”

I sigh and open the door. “Come in.”

He walks behind me, keeping close. It doesn't feel right. For some reason, breaking up with Colton seems to have heightened my senses. Having another man close to me is disturbing...because it's not him. I want it to be him. I wanted it to be him so badly.

By the time I reach the sofa, the waterworks have turned on again. I'm not sobbing, but my face is a drippy mess. I sniffle and wipe my eyes with the back of my arm.

“
Tell me what happened.” Alex sits on the sofa beside me. He rests his arm across the back of it but keeps a safe distance.

“
I broke up with Colton,” I can barely get the words out.

My eyes stay fixed on his face, waiting to see some sign of happiness. This is exactly the type of news he should be thrilled to hear. If he is pleased with the information, though, it doesn't show.

“
Why?”

“
Because he deserved better.”

Alex rolls his eyes at me. “That's bullshit.”

“
It's not bullshit.” I ball my hands into fists on my lap.

“
Ember, you are one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. You're strong and smart. Any man would be lucky to have you.”

“
You don't understand.” It's quickly becoming apparent that letting him in was a bad idea. I have no interest in hearing what he has to say.

“
Then make me understand. Did you do something wrong?”

I wrap my arms around myself more for comfort than protection.

“
I pushed him away. Repeatedly.”

“
You're dealing with a lot of shit right now. That's your coping mechanism. If he doesn't understand that, it's his loss.”

“
He did understand it. He understood it, and he accepted it, and he was willing to work with it.” I shake my head at myself. “I pushed him away because I didn't want to drag him into my drama. He didn't deserve that. His life is so perfect. I don't want to be the one to muddy it up.”

“
You love him, don't you?” He smirks but looks a bit sad.

“
I did it
becaus
e
I love him.”

“
I don't think that's true.”

“
What do you mean?”

“
I think you did it because you're protecting yourself from loving him. Because maybe you're not ready to let someone else in.”

His words make sense. They also don't change my mind that I did the right thing.

Alex reaches over and takes one of my hands, pulling it into his. My body tenses. Here's the moment where he hits on me. This is where he seizes his opportunity, and I freak out, and we get into a fight over it. This is definitely not what I need right now.

“
Ember, you need to understand something. These are demons you're going to have to deal with in any relationship. Your past will always be your past. And no matter who you date, you're eventually going to have to let them in and explain this part of you.

“
The way you talk about this Colton guy...he seems like a good guy. I can tell that you're head over heels for him. And telling yourself that you're not good enough for him isn't a good excuse to push him away.

“
If he thought you weren't good enough for him, he wouldn't be with you. If he wasn't prepared to deal with your problems with you, he wouldn't be with you. From what you've told me, he hasn't even tried to walk away once. It's all been you.

“
Whether you believe it or not, you are good enough. You're every bit as deserving of love and affection and a wonderful relationship as every other good person in the world. Don't stand in your own way of finding happiness.”

By the time he finishes talking, tears are streaming down my face again because he makes so much sense. I got into my own head, let my poisonous thoughts trump logic and ruin the best thing I've ever had. I'm crying because I fucked myself over and there's no way to fix it.

“
It's too late.” I pull my hand away from him, hugging myself even tighter. The pain I'm feeling inside is about to rip me apart.

“
It's never too late.”

“
But it is. I told Colton,” I sniffle, “I told Colton that I cheated on him...with you.”

“
Oh.”

The room is silent for several minutes. Alex stares off into the distance in thought, and I just sit there trying to keep myself together. It's sinking in that there's no going back. What's done is done, and all I can do is move on from it. How do I move on, though, when all I want to do is die?

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

COLTON

Days pass and my heart doesn't seem to be getting any better. I go to work in a daze. My thoughts range from confusion to bitterness. Part of me still doesn't believe that Ember would cheat on me. It took me so long to break down her walls. The thought that some other man could just waltz in and tear them down immediately destroys me.

It doesn't make sense that she'd cheat on me after all the pain she's been through. She never seemed like that kind of a person. I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. Add this to my list of scars. At this rate, I might never be able to trust women again. Hoeing around was always safer.

Don't get involved. Don't get hurt.

The fact that Ember wounded me so deeply without good reason makes me want to take retribution against her. I'd just have to make one phone call to get her fired. That's what should have happened in the first place. It was only my mercy that kept her employed.

I place a call to Jerry to have Lloyd give me a review of Ember's performance in her new position. I wait for it to come back, hoping I'll have a legitimate case to fire her. When he does email it to me, I'm unexpectedly happy to see that she's thriving as an online sales associate.

After I read the report, I sit at my desk and scrub my hand across my face. I could still fire her if I wanted to. I could lie and say that the position hasn't shown the promise that I had hoped it would and have decided to phase it out. Then at least she could get on unemployment until she found something else. It would be the less dick thing to do.

It would still be a dick move, though.

Ember has been through a lot. The last thing she needs is to have her life turned upside down again.

Even though I'm angry at her—even though I'm hurt—I don't have it in me to fuck her over like that.

It's not like I have to see her every day anyway. She just works for a company that I happen to own. Besides, as long as she's there I can keep an eye on her.

That makes you sound like a stalker.

Fuck. I just wish this pain would go away. I swear to God I'm never going to love again. It's just not worth it.

“
Mister Larsen, there's someone here to see you.” My secretary buzzes through to me.

I sigh before pressing the button a bit too hard to speak back to her. “I don't have anyone on my schedule today. Tell them to make an appointment.”

“
He says it's important.”

I tear my hand through my hair, my anger flaring. Journalists say they're important. Random people trying to sell me their shitty dying businesses to find a fast way out of debt say they're important. They're
no
t
important. “Are you deaf? I don't want to see anyone right now.”

There's blessed silence.

I push my keyboard aside and fold my arms on top of my desk, resting my head on top of them. I'm so stressed out and angry and everything in between.

I exhale deeply, trying to relax. The sound of raised voices outside of my office brings the tension flying back to the surface. I can hear Belinda, my secretary, arguing with someone. It's not until she threatens to call security that I realize it's something serious.

I lift my head just in time to see the door open and a man storm in. It takes a moment for me to recognize his face, but the second that I do, my bad mood triples. His dark features look agitated, but the way he's dressed reminds me of someone coming in for a business meeting. It ticks me off that I can see why Ember found him attractive. He's closer to her age, and he carries himself well.

I glance at my wristwatch before shooting a piercing gaze straight through Alex “You have about ten seconds to tell me what you came here for before security throws you out of the building.”

He shrugs roughly, straightening out his suit as if someone has already laid hands on him. “I'm here to talk about Ember. She loves you.”

“
That's irrelevant.” I wave at him dismissively. “She already told me that she cheated on me with you. I hope you find happiness together.”

Jameson, my security guard, comes into view, taking long strides to apprehend Alex. His booming voice is all authoritative. “You've bothered Mister Larsen long enough. Come on.”

“
She lied,” Alex tells me as Jameson grabs his arm to pull him towards the door. “She lied to you. We never slept together.”

This makes my ears perk. I rest my elbow on the desk and hold up two fingers. “Let him go, Jameson. Thank you for coming up here, but you can return to your post.”

Jameson glances down at Alex, seeming unsure. Then he looks at me and nods before leaving the room.

“
Close the door and have a seat.” I continue to stare at Alex as if he's not worth the shit on the bottom of my shoes.

Alex does as he's told, sitting on the other side of my desk. He glances back at the door, his expression less than pleased.

“
I can call him back if you like,” I say, mainly to get his attention.

“
You are far more of an asshole than Ember makes you sound.” He turns to face me.

“
If you're here to insult me then.” I pick up the receiver on my desk to call Jameson back.

“
That's not why I'm here.” He rolls his eyes, which only pisses me off more.

“
Talk. I'm a busy man, and I don't have time to deal with you.” I drop the receiver into its cradle and lean back in my chair.

“
I went over to Ember's apartment the other day to see her, and she was in tears.”

“
Did you go over to fuck her too?”

He takes a deep breath. The fact that I'm getting under his skin is giving me great pleasure. “She said you're a good listener, but I'm starting to not believe that.”

“
I'm sorry. Go on.” I shake my head, every bit as annoyed with myself as I am with him. He came here to give me good news, and I'm treating him like crap, letting my bitterness get the best of me.

“
I came here because she's miserable without you.”

“
She should have thought about that before she dumped me.”

“
Do you even know why she dumped you? The real reason, I mean.” He quirks a thick eyebrow at me.

“
I'm not sure if I care,” I lie.

“
She broke up with you because she didn't feel good enough for you. She felt like you'd be better off with someone who has less baggage. She feels bad that she pushes you away, but she's not sure how else to cope.

“
Listen, we both know she doesn't have her shit together. She's been through too much to be whole. But she really was trying with you. And sometimes she gets really insecure and does stupid shit. She doesn't mean to. She just gets inside of her own head, and it happens.”

I deflate a bit. While I've heard most of this before from Ember's own lips—lips that I very much miss kissing—it doesn't change the fact that she went too far this time.

“
What do you want me to do?”

His mouth falls agape for a moment, but he quickly recovers. “I was hoping you'd be happy to hear this. I came all the way here to tell you because I know she didn't mean what she said to you. I know that not having you in her life is killing her.”

“
It's killing me too,” I admit. “But how do I know this won't happen again?”

“
You don't. I know that it sucks unbelievably badly, but you don't. The only thing I can tell you is that she's worth fighting for. She has a beautiful soul. If you could only see it—”

“
I do see it,” I cut him off, not really wanting to hear him gush about my girlfriend.

My girlfriend? She broke up with me. I shouldn't still be thinking about her as such.

“
Just give her another chance,” he pleads for Ember. “You make her happier than anything has in a very long time. I don't want to see her lose that over her own insecurities.”

I let out a short laugh. “And what about you? Don't you lose out in all of this?”

He chews his bottom lip, nodding slowly. “I do. At the end of the day, though, I'm just happy to have regained her friendship.

“
But the truth of the matter is that we do dumb things for the people we love. She broke up with you because she thought you would be better off with someone else, even though it's killing her. I came here to get you back for her, even though it's killing me.”

Any hatred I had for Alex dissipates in the span of that paragraph. It provides so much clarity to the situation—so much perspective. He really does care about her, and I admire that he was man enough to come tell me the truth. It would have been easy for him to take advantage of the situation, to cast Ember's feelings aside and pursue her instead of trying to get us back together.

“
I can see you're a good friend to her,” I tell him.

“
The best. I've always been there for her. And I always will be.” He stands.

Realizing that he's about to leave, I get up and extend my hand to him. “Thank you for coming to me with this, Alex. Really. Thank you.”

“
What are you going to do now?” He shakes my hand, eying me with uncertainty.

“
I'm going to do what any smart man would do in this situation. I'm going to get my girl back.”