Unquenched (5 page)

The threesome had returned from their two day excursion and had
arrived in Nusa Dua that day.  Jordan gave Tristan the name of our hotel in
Nusa Dua and told him we were headed that way.  At least we knew that we could
contact him there, even if it was by message.  So they both agreed to be in
touch.  They made tentative plans for one of the next two nights and simply
left it at that.  As Jordan explained all of it to me, I felt frozen and yet
free all at once.

For me, it had become very complicated.  To see Tristan would be
wonderful, there was no doubt.  But there was still Jordan to think about.  I
couldn't imagine how I would manage it all.  My feelings, as well as his.  How
would I hide my own from him?  I didn't want to hurt him.  I only wanted the
chance to test what I felt.  With Tristan.  But there was more.  There was Courtney. 
He had said she was a friend.   Maybe it was true.  But they had a past.  I
knew that.  They had probably spent nights together.  I had to assume.  Yet I
couldn't imagine him with anyone.  I didn't want to.  And she would see right
through me.  Even if she no longer cared.  Women were good at that.  I wanted
the freedom to just feel it out, and do that with just me and him.  I didn't
want her to distract me.  I didn't want to know of his past.  I didn't want to
see what he liked, his type, her laugh or anything they shared.  I didn't want
to feel jealous.  And there was yet someone else.  Another woman.  A third
person we had heard about yet he had not mentioned at all.  There were too many
people to think about.  I wanted to just be me, and not worry about who was
watching or how it would affect them.  How absurd the whole thing was.  I was
on vacation, an escape from reality, yet all of it felt so real.  And somehow I
knew that it was, and that it was not going to end anytime soon.  I knew in my
heart, strangely enough, that it was only just the beginning.

CHAPTER TWO

********

That morning, we drove to Nusa Dua, my mind in a million places. 
The next few days would be telling.  For me, for Jordan and maybe for our
newfound friend.  But life was one big transition.  I had started expecting the
unexpected.  Living in Southeast Asia for three and a half months had changed
me, and New York was going to take some getting used to again.  I had
experienced a lot in my short time away and knew that I had become open to a
much greater world.  My life had become an open book, just waiting for the pages
to be filled.  There were only two more days left to our trip, and at the
moment my heart was heavy.

We arrived at our hotel, unpacked our bags and headed immediately
to the beach.  As we looked around the beach, it was dirty and commercial, but
it was a beach in the sun, nonetheless.  Some women approached us and asked if
we were interested in having a three person massage.  Jordan, for whatever
reason was not very interested, but I quickly jumped at the chance.  A massage
by six hands, sun high in the sky and laying on a tropical beach.  It was
something I just couldn't resist.  For half an hour's time, the cost was five
dollars, a bargain no doubt, at least.  I ordered a piña colada which I knew
would just add to the afternoon delight.

The day was a lazy one, restful and free.  We played some
volleyball as the sun began to set, and slowly, we drifted back to our room. 
It was already 6 p.m. and to my dismay, we did not have a message from the
desk.  I wondered if Jordan would make a call but it seemed senseless
considering they did not have a phone.  This time, I truly felt that my hands
were tied.

I wondered what Tristan was thinking.  What he was feeling.  If
only we could talk, face to face, for just five minutes, if that.  It all
started to seem like such a mystery to me.  I began second guessing all of his
thoughts.  The thoughts I thought I knew so well.  But it had only been my
interpretation.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe he had really called back to speak
to Jordan.  That was definitely possible.  That would have made sense.  Because
to call back Jordan, just to see me, was probably a little far-fetched.  I
mean, he knew that I was Jordan's girlfriend, didn't he?  I mean, wasn't I? 
Who knew what he was thinking.  I wasn't even sure what I was thinking.  My
head was beginning to hurt.

By 7:30 p.m., Jordan mentioned that they had not called, and he
asked me if I just wanted to stay in.  I wasn't particularly hungry and I knew
I was feeling sad inside.  Sad that Tristan hadn't called.  I told Jordan that
I would be happy to watch a good movie, relax and get a good night's sleep.  So
I jumped into the shower and looked forward to the warmth and to washing off
the salt from the sea.  I put a brush through my hair and rubbed on some cream
to soften my fresh new tan.

I felt better after I showered, clean and refreshed, as I hopped
into bed wearing pajamas.  Jordan had showered too and was laying on top of the
blankets.  We started talking and, as always, the conversation covered a wide
range of topics.  We talked about our jobs and what we anticipated from them
after we returned to the States.  We talked about family and about New Year's
Eve, and then something I wasn't prepared for.  He brought up Christmas. 
Christmas with his family up in Cape Cod.  He wanted to know if I could take a
day off from work so that we could get a head start to beat the traffic.  My
stomach was in knots.  Here we were, sharing a room together, half way across
the world, yet the idea of being together for the holidays somehow still felt
wrong.  I hadn't thought about it before Indonesia, but if I had, maybe I would
have known then that he shouldn't have come.  But at that moment there was even
more reason that it didn't feel right.  I couldn't.  It would feel like a
facade.  I knew as I sat there that not having heard from Tristan was not
helping the situation either.  I needed time.  Time to sort out all that I was
feeling.  But I couldn't keep it in any longer and the trip would soon be
coming to an end.  I still wasn't brave enough to tell him that I was doubting
our entire relationship, but it was time to broach the subject of Christmas.  I
had to at least do that. 

"Jordan, I'm not sure I want to go to The Cape only four days
after I get home.  It's such a long trip and I've been away for a while.  I'd
love a few days to settle in.  If I don't go, will that upset you a lot?  I
really don't want to let you down." 

I felt sick inside knowing that I wasn't telling the whole truth
yet realized that my absence over Christmas would hurt him all the same. 

He looked very disappointed but looked at me and said, "Whatever
you do, don't do it for me, do it for you." 

He was angry, I could tell.  But I also knew that he meant what he
said.  But it didn't help.  I couldn't tell him that if I went, I would be
going for him.  And if it was for him, was I really doing him a favor by making
a physical appearance, a statement, and not really wanting to be there?  Why
were all my feelings suddenly so clear?  How did we ever plan the trip we were
on with so much uncertainty?  We talked about it some more as I felt his pain,
and I knew that he knew, I had doubts.  I wasn't quite sure how the discussion
would end, but then, unexpectedly, the phone rang.

Jordan had answered the phone and I saw his face smile.  I knew it
was an effort for him to act happy but the timing of Tristan's call couldn't
have been better.  Our conversation had been going in circles and it was clear
that my feelings for him had changed.  Jordan was ready to marry me and
although I was ready for marriage, Jordan just wasn't the one.

Jordan put his hand over the mouth of the phone so as not to let Tristan
hear.  He told me that they had a group together and were inviting us to go
with them.  I gave Jordan a blank look, fatigued from our conversation, and no
longer ready to face what I knew I would if we joined them. 

Frustrated by our recent exchange, Jordan took control and said,
"Let's just go."  My expression said fine, and Jordan relayed as much
to Tristan.  Jordan hung up the phone and said to me, "We made up to meet
at a restaurant in half an hour.”

My adrenaline was racing despite the fact that only minutes before
I had been ambivalent about going.  I needed to think about what I would wear. 
I wanted to look good.  Simple, but good.  At least I had showered, that was a
start.  The weather was warm and humid, so shorts seemed appropriate.  I threw
on a pair of black cotton ones and looked through my backpack for a shirt.  My
choices were limited but I went through them anyway to look for the perfect
one.  So I looked at the red one and decided, too loud.  Then at the white one,
but it was not clean.  Then I found the black one.  Yes, the black one, maybe
that would do it.  It had long sleeves with a deep V-neck and the shoulders fell
slightly to the side.  It was a loose cotton T-shirt but the sleeves completed
it and somehow made it look sexy.  I put on a belt with a big silver buckle to
break up the black just a little.  But it still needed something more.  I
wanted to look natural, maybe even a little bohemian, but pretty and charming
all the same.  Earrings would do it.  Silver dangling earrings that I had just
bought that day.  Those would be perfect.  I glanced at the mirror and took a
quick look, but no, I was not done yet.  My hair.  It was hanging wild and free
but it needed a clip to just take some of it off of my face.  Yes, that was
better.  And make-up.  My face already had a nice natural tan so I needed very
little to bring it to life.  Open sandals would finish it off nicely and I
would be comfortable if we went for a walk.

Maybe in some ways it was better that Jordan and I had spoken.  I
wasn't as focused on Tristan as I might have been if we hadn't, and for me,
that had clearly been healthier.  But it was more than that.  I felt that I had
taken the first step toward letting Jordan know how I really felt, and for
that, I was somewhat relieved.  The attempts between the guys to contact each
other had also taken some of the pressure off me.  I could hide behind their
relationship and keep a low profile, if that's what I wanted to do.  My efforts
toward Tristan would be subtle, and hopefully, only he would know what I was
thinking.

We arrived at the restaurant exactly on time and as we got out of
the cab, I saw Tristan's face.  The doors to the restaurant were open and they
were sitting at a long table.  Seven of them.  I looked around the table
wondering who all of the people were and wanting to know which one was Courtney. 
Tristan jumped up immediately when he saw us, and greeted us very warmly.  He
introduced us to everyone in the group and as he did, I detected accents from
all different parts of the world.  So, Courtney was English.

The seating at the table was ironic.  Tristan seated me in the
empty seat next to him, and Jordan was placed on my other side.  This time I
was in the middle as I created a mental picture and exaggerated it in my mind. 
There had been something safe about the seating in the van, but I knew, that
too, was only in my mind.

Sitting around the table was a twosome from Austria, yet I was
never quite sure of their situation.  It didn't matter, they were both nice and
seemed exceptionally friendly.  There were two more from Germany, a guy and
girl, who also just met but seemed intimate.  Then there was Courtney, and she
was from England but had been living in Germany for the past eight years.  And
then there was a guy from South Africa whose accent was not difficult to
detect.  Everyone spoke English well and Jordan and I appreciated the fact that
they used it for us.  They were an attractive bunch and all appeared to be
about the age of thirty.

As conversation took place, one of my questions had immediately
been answered.  I realized that the seven at the table had recently met at the
hotel where they were all staying.  My brain had been working hard, trying to
sort out the details I so desperately wanted to know.  That meant that the
other woman that had been seen with Tristan was only someone that he had just
met.  If that was true I felt better.  Hopefully, that meant that he was not
seriously involved with her either.  By either, it meant that I believed it was
really over with Courtney.  But it also meant one more thing.  And, it was
important.  I didn't know why, but it was.  It meant that he had not omitted
any information and that he had been honest with me whether he owed it to me or
not.

My heart was beating fast but my demeanor did not show it.  I was
withdrawn and shy and only spoke when I was spoken to.  I felt trapped between
the two of them, this time literally.  When I spoke to Tristan I wondered what Jordan
was thinking.  I feared that he could read me and I didn't want to betray him. 
It was easier not to initiate and just take a back seat.  But my self-imposed
limitations also affected my interaction with Jordan.  I distanced myself from
him too, in fear of what Tristan might see.  I pretended.  Pretended that a closeness
wasn't there.   Between  Jordan and me.  I didn't promote us or respond to his
affectionate needs.  I felt his hand again on my knee and I couldn't return the
gesture.  At least this time, it had been under the table.  I wondered if he
felt that I was acting strange.  But I didn't want Tristan to think that there
was more between Jordan and me than there was.  Or really, more than there was
going to be.  It wasn't fair but I knew it was already beyond my control.  I
must have been kidding when I thought that I could hide behind the two of
them.  They had barely said a word to each other.  Maybe it was the seating. 
Who knew.  But overall, the table had interacted nicely as a whole.  It was me
who had dissected every word, every glance.  But I knew I wasn't alone.  Tristan
was right there with me.