Unquenched (8 page)

"So what do you think?" he asked.  "Are you going
to come to the Cape or not?" 

I knew that he was getting frustrated with my uncertainty and yet
I felt an obligation to go.  If for whatever reason I couldn't walk away then I
knew that I had to go. 

"Well, maybe I can join you for part of the time," and
for the moment we left it at that.

Two days had passed since I had arrived in New York and people
were still welcoming me home.  The phone rang at work and I answered it
professionally never expecting who it might be.  The delay on the phone told me
the call was distant and I assumed it was a colleague from Singapore. 

"Hello," the voice said, as I wondered who it was,
faintly detecting the accent.  "How are you," he continued. "Do
you recognize who this is?" 

My heart started beating not believing my ears that we had
actually made contact through our efforts. 

"Oh my G-d, hi, how are you, where are you, from where are
you calling?!" 

My excitement was quite apparent as my shell slowly shed, but he
had called and it was hard to contain myself.  It was the guy from Germany that
I had met in Indonesia, a guy by the name of Tristan.

"I'm actually calling from Canada, I arrived in Montreal last
night," he said.  "I got your message on my machine two nights ago,
but with the time difference it was too late to call.  I flew out the next
morning, well, and here I am.  Anyway, I'm glad you called, how are you?"

Totally flustered and unsure of where to begin, I replied,
"I'm fine and it's good to hear you too, but I don't care what you say,
you still sound British to me." 

We both laughed at that and filled the next few minutes with
stories of our last days in Asia.  I interrupted us for a moment, in order to
keep my promise, and called him back to save him the toll.  The miles apart
were clearly unnoticed as the playful banter remained.  We exchanged friendly
sarcasm and the challenge was quite refreshing.  I could even hear his smile
but missed seeing it nonetheless.  The conversation was free as if we hadn't
missed a beat, until suddenly, there was a pause of silence.  It was obvious
that there were still unspoken words and a lot remained to be said.  The
question he was about to ask was imminent and my answer was still unclear.

"So, is there a chance that you might be around when I arrive
in New York next week?" he asked. 

He surprised me with his question because I knew that it masked
what he really wanted to know.  I told him I still wasn't sure but then felt
obligated to explain. 

"Tris," I began.  I had never used that name for him,
but somehow, it just felt right.  "I thought you might be confused by my
phone call, I mean, given my situation and all.  I wasn't sure what you were
thinking or if you understood my thoughts.  Considering this call is long
distance, I want to speak quickly and be direct and honest with you."  I
laughed and added, "Otherwise, this call could cost us a pretty penny." 

"OK, I understand," he responded with a chuckle. 

I began, "Well, I don't know about you, but it's not every day
that I meet someone and have such an immediate chemistry with them.  I don't
mean to blow it out of proportion, and I don't know exactly what you're
feeling, but it just wasn't a feeling I could easily ignore," I risked
saying. 

I was about to continue, but he stopped me by saying, "If I
didn't feel the same way, I wouldn't be calling you right now."

"Really?" I asked, somewhat coyly. 

"Yes, really," he said. 

"So I wasn't dreaming?" I pushed for confirmation. 

"No, you weren't," he responded. 

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I had no idea of what the future
held, but at least I had read him right.  The feelings we had, we shared. 

He continued, "When I got your message I hoped that you were
calling, well should I say, for other reasons than because you just happened to
be in Frankfurt.  Because you know, that is, actually, what your message said. 
I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I asked Courtney her perspective and why
she thought you might be calling.  She immediately said that no one makes a
phone call like that when they know the person they are calling isn't there and
thought that you were probably interested.  I wanted to believe her but my
pragmatic mind convinced me that it was just a friendly call and that calling
from Frankfurt was just easier and less expensive.  But then I thought about it
again, and decided, well, that you would have splurged for the extra five
dollars to call from New York and that maybe there was something behind the
call after all.  That's what I was hoping anyway." 

My confidence was boosted and my heart felt light but I needed to
explain my dilemma.

"But, I have to admit something to
you.  Do you realize that there is a little more to the story?  I am, at the
moment, still together with Jordan," I said. 

He cut in and admitted, "I honestly wasn't sure what the
story was between the two of you, you made it very difficult to read.  It
appeared to me that he cared about you but that you felt more like friends.  I
thought maybe you had had something in the past", he explained. 

I intervened by saying, "Well, I'm telling you this for two
reasons.  First, I assumed that you thought Jordan and I were together and I
didn't want you to think that I made it a habit of calling someone else when I
was already involved.  I guess you could say that Jordan and I are having
trouble and we have been for a while." 

As I revealed my secrets I felt torn inside, feeling once again
that I had betrayed Jordan.  But I also knew that I had to seize the moment as
there was not a lot of time to play with. 

"And second, although my future with him does not look
hopeful, we have not as of yet severed ties.  That's why this Christmas
gathering has become so complicated for me.  So, at the moment, I have not
decided whether or not to go with him.  It would really upset him if I didn't
go.  I just don't know what to do." 

He was silent for a while and then said, "I understand.  But
when will you know?" 

I took a deep breath and said almost sorrowfully, "Honestly,
I'm not really sure.  I may just decide at the last minute.  By the way, where
do you stay when you come in?", I inquired. 

"At the Hyatt on 42
^nd
St., do you know where that
is?" he asked.  I laughed thinking of what a small world it was, knowing
that it was only streets away from
FUN
.

"Yes," I said playfully, "I think I've heard of it
before," making it obvious that it wasn't some foreign place.  "Will
you be back in Germany before you come to New York," I asked.

"Yes," he said and he told me exactly which days. 

"Listen, I have a good idea," I suggested.  "I hate
to do this, but if you can deal with the last minute uncertainty, and in case I
can't get a hold of you, we'll communicate through messages at your hotel in
New York.  If I wind up going, there won't be a message and you'll know that I
needed to go.  Or if there's time and I can reach you in Germany, I'll call you
to tell you that I'm going.  I really want to see you, and I hope you know
that, but with all Jordan and I have been through, I have to figure out what's
right.  I hope that you can respect that."

  "Yes, sure I do," he replied. 

"If I stay, there will be a message waiting for you when you
arrive telling you to call me at home.  I will be waiting for you in my
apartment, if that is the case.  What time do you get in?", I asked
feeling torn. 

"My flight arrives at Kennedy at 2:30 p.m. or so.  By the
time I get to Manhattan it will be 3:30-4," he informed me. 

"OK," I said.  "Either way, I hope to see you soon," 

"Yes, me too," he said.  "And I hope not to hear
from you this week."  I knew what he meant as I put down the phone,
wondering if what I wanted was feasible.

The rest of the day and all through the night I tormented myself
with decisions.  I wanted to do it all.  I didn't want to make a choice.  But
to be with Jordan's family and Tristan the next day, just didn't feel morally
right.  The problem was compounded by the distance to the Cape, it was too far
to go for a day.  But even if I could have, we were driving together leaving no
way for me to get back.  Jordan was coming the following day and I still hadn't
made up my mind.  He assumed I was joining him as I had agreed to go, but it
was not yet settled in my mind.  I wrestled with the consequences of both of my
options and found it too difficult to choose.  To not go with Jordan was more
than one decision, it would end the relationship we had.  But Tristan was
coming, I just had to see him, it was almost like an addiction.

By the very next day I felt pain in my stomach from not having
made up my mind.  I had been packing my clothes in a mechanical way, somehow
just going through the motions.  I picked up the phone and called a close
friend, a friend I had known for life.  I needed her advice, her support, her
instincts; I couldn't get through it alone.  When I heard her voice I started
to cry, it had all been bottled up so long. 

"Hi." I said, as the tears filled my eyes, "I still
don't know what to do." 

We had discussed it before with no resolution but this time she
had something to say.

"Listen," she said.  "There is no real decision at
hand to be made.  I don't think right now you are seriously convinced that your
relationship with Jordan is exhausted.  So, unless you have definitively made
up your mind, and I don't think at this point that you have, you have no choice
but to go.  By going, you leave yourself the option to deal with the situation
later.  It will give you more time to sort things out.  If you don't go, you're
eliminating that option because the decision alone, speaks for itself.  Also, I
think that you will really hurt Jordan by doing it this way, I mean, even more
hurt than he's been.  And let's be honest, you and I both know that you're
never going to wind up with Tristan anyway.  You're from two different worlds. 
He's German, you're Jewish, did you forget that?  And he lives in Germany, not
exactly around the corner.  He's also a flight attendant.  I don't think that's
who you've always seen yourself with.  I guess if you are going to make the
decision to end things with Jordan, at least do it for the right reasons, or
for the right person, not just for some fling." 

I valued her opinion but I knew that there was more to it than
that. 

"But you know," I said, "it's not just about Tristan,
necessarily.  It's about the spark that's evoked within me when I'm with him. 
What I'm talking about is the feeling itself.  The intensity.  That wonderful
feeling of being alive.  I haven't felt like that in a very long time.  Now
that I've tasted it, it's difficult to accept feeling anything less.  Whether
or not I end up with Tristan is really almost irrelevant.  It's those feelings
that I want to have.  I know it sounds crazy, but seeing him is almost like a
test.  Maybe I'm creating a new emotional standard for myself and ultimately it
will convince me that being with Jordan could never be good enough.  Who knows,
but it is a feeling that's hard to resist.  That's for sure." 

She breathed a long sigh as she shared my pain, and said, "I
know, but remember, this will not be Tristan's last flight to New York.  So,
either way, you will have the opportunity to see him again, maybe just not as
soon." 

I knew that she was right.  On all accounts.  And if I went with Jordan,
in some ways I would accomplish everything, all in due time.  But patience was
not my virtue.  I knew my needs, I knew my limitations.  And from where I
stood, the future could not wait.

But the following day I called Tristan.  He was back in Germany
and I hoped he'd be home.

"Hello?" I heard him pick up.  I felt a rush of
excitement and suddenly felt weak at the thought of my plan. 

"Hi, Tris?" I said with a question in my voice. 

"Hi," he responded energetically and with immediate
recognition.  "Does this mean what I think it does?" he asked
disappointedly. 

"Yes," I said, "unfortunately, I am just not
comfortable telling Jordan that I can't go with him.  Ultimately, I will have
to deal with it all, but it will be easier after the holidays.  Believe me, the
thought of you being right down the street from where I live, two days from
now, when I'm not there, is making me crazy." 

I gave him some suggestions of things to do on Christmas, given
the fact that many places might be closed.  As the conversation continued, I
felt a strange sensation.  It was almost like free falling.  There was no
bottom or no end in sight.  But that's what it was like.  I didn't know when
I'd see Tristan again.  We said our good-byes which were simple and light, and
said we would talk sometime soon.

Jordan arrived at my apartment that night.   We had not yet
discussed how long we would stay, but he knew I was going to the Cape.  It was
all so confusing.  I felt like I was on unstable ground.  With anything he did
or anything he said, I was on the verge of changing my mind.  But I couldn't. 
Or wouldn't.  It just wasn't fair.  One thing at a time, I kept telling
myself.  But then my sister stopped by.  And she offered me something that
changed everything.