Until Forever (Women of Prayer) (9 page)

Meredith.

Jessi could hardly believe what she had just read. Perfect Aunt Merry, sneaking out at night? Why, she did have a few sly bones in her body. That little sneak. If she ever caught Olivia doing something like that…and then she started laughing.

Aunt Merry saw the light on and heard the chuckling. She went to bed content that the line had been cast; the bait had been taken. Jessi was hooked. She trusted that God knew what he was doing when he gave her this idea. Jessi had too many illusions when it came to her Aunt Meredith. It was time she knew the truth.

Chapter 9

Jessi’s entire day revolved around her visit to the cemetery. She left at sunup and returned after sunset. This day was her special day. Olivia didn’t accompany her. Aunt Merry didn’t. It was hers, and hers alone. She drove to the cemetery in quiet speculation. She thought of all the times she had shared with her son. She remembered the day he was born. The long hours of painful labor were a distant memory with one look into his sweet face. She would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even walking the floors with him at night and getting next to no sleep could not diminish the love she had for this child, the joy he brought into her life. He wasn’t a perfect child, just perfect for her. How sweet and gentle he was. One lopsided grin could brighten her entire day. She relived his birthdays and Christmases. The times she had to kiss his owies when he was little and wipe away tears that were born of frustration from being a late talker. Everything that made Ethan, Ethan, she missed. All his good traits—the kindness and compassion, his willingness to share, his humor and humble spirit—would be remembered until the day she died. Even his stubbornness and his uncanny knack for saying the right thing at the wrong time would be never forgotten.

She couldn’t understand why others questioned her on not getting over the death of her son. He wasn’t supposed to die. What was so hard to understand about that? She missed him. She lived for him and breathed for him. Was it really a shock that she would continue to miss him after his death? “The grieving period should be over, dear.” “You need to see a counselor, dear.” She’d heard it all from good-intentioned people whose opinions were not asked for. She’d learned to stay away from them. That was part of the reason she’d moved to Wisconsin. Eight hundred miles separated her from the nearest do-gooder. She did get lonely at times, but she’d learned to live her life through Olivia, just as she had done with Ethan. She also learned that her memory of Ethan was with her no matter where she went. She didn’t have to visit his grave every week like she had for the first year after his death. She had found many ways to keep him alive. She had all of her pictures and the mothering journals she had kept from his birth, all constant reminders of the boy who had been stolen from her.

Jessi pulled into the cemetery fully prepared for a day of work. She had stopped by the nursery and picked up plants that would decorate his tombstone for the summer. She did this each year, even knowing he would pooh pooh the idea of having flowers by his resting place. It made his space warmer and somehow a little more homey. She couldn’t stand the thought of her son lying in the cold ground without any hints of home.

This year she chose wildflowers to plant. She pulled the car up near the row and opened the trunk. While carrying her supplies to his grave, she noticed someone else had recently visited. She couldn’t for the life of her think who it might have been. Next to his tombstone was a potted plant and a baseball and a glove. She furrowed her brow and figured Aunt Merry would have mentioned this if she had done it. Maybe someone from church. Well, whoever it was, it was awfully nice of them to remember Ethan. Not too many people did anymore. She set the things to the side while she did her planting. She loved working in the soil. She loved watching what she planted grow. Lovingly, she started digging around the small tombstone. She placed one plant after another in the rows she had prepared. When she finished, she pulled the dirt in around the plants and tied blue ribbons around the sturdiest of the stems. Ethan loved blue. It was his favorite color. She scooted back and looked at her work. She began to weep. Regardless of the flowers, the ribbons, and all the care that she’d taken, it was still just a grave. It was cold and dark. She couldn’t stand to think of her little boy in a box in the ground. The ground wasn’t meant for a vibrant, wonderful little boy like Ethan. “Oh, Ethan, I miss you so much. I’m so sorry. Mommy’s sorry, baby. Mommy’s so sorry.”

Every day she second-guessed her decision to end his life support. Every day she wondered,
What if I’d waited one more day? Would he have woken up?
The day of the accident was also a constant reminder of her failure. She forgot to make that phone call. If she had, would Mark have decided to stay home? If she’d only checked the answering machine, she would have been home, and Ethan would never have been in the car with Mark. Mark was right; Ethan’s death was her fault. She had failed Ethan as a mother. All of this ran through her mind as she sat next to Ethan’s grave and sobbed. She tried to make it through her visits to Ethan’s grave without falling apart. So far she had not been successful. Time was supposed to be the healer of all wounds, but she wouldn’t allow this wound to heal. It was her rightful punishment for what she did to Ethan. For the pain she sentenced him to, she would live in pain for the rest of her life.

Jessi sat in the grass for hours that day, reminiscing and wishing. A few times she tried to talk with Ethan. She just didn’t know what to say except that she was sorry and she loved and missed him. She never gave praying a second thought. She no longer even considered trying to pray. Her whole attitude toward God had drastically changed when he refused to answer her prayers on behalf of Ethan. She used to feel unworthy of his love; now she wouldn’t give him a passing thought. He didn’t deserve it; he took her baby from her. She would never ask anything of him again. He may call himself God, but he certainly wasn’t her God. He never would be. It would be a long time before she realized that by denying God she would never be reunited with Ethan.

She stood up and replaced the potted plant, baseball, and glove. They seemed right there somehow. Ethan had always asked Mark to play ball with him in the backyard, but Mark never had time. She had done her best to take his place, but it just wasn’t the same. A boy needed his dad to play ball with him. It was just supposed to be that way.

She turned and walked to her car. If she had cared to glance about her surroundings, she would have seen Mark watching her from a distance.

Although he felt an extreme urgency to speak with her, he respected her privacy and her need to mourn her son. He could wait until another day to seek her out and ask her forgiveness. He had already taken his turn at the foot of his son’s grave and given his son the glove and ball. It proved an unsuccessful attempt at assuaging his guilt at being an absent and non-attentive father. He had been in prison for over a year when he was notified of his son’s death. He wept for days. He wasn’t even permitted to attend his own son’s funeral. Someday, in heaven, he would be able to apologize to Ethan face-to-face. What a glorious day that would be. As Jessi drove away, Mark looked into the heavens. “Thank you, Jesus. Without you I wouldn’t have any hope of seeing my son again.”

He turned and walked down a dusty trail that led through the cemetery. Occasionally, he would stop to read a tombstone. Mostly he just prayed as he walked.

Chapter 10

Mark had been sitting on the park bench for over an hour contemplating what he had to do. He had been approaching Jessi’s aunt’s house when he saw Jessi and some little kid getting out of a car. It seemed like quite the reunion between Jessi and her aunt. He didn’t know where she was visiting from or why she had moved away, but he saw her unload the suitcases from her car with the help of a little girl and move them into her aunt’s house. He had been on his way to stop and talk with Jessi’s aunt the day he had seen her unpacking the suitcases from her car and decided it was Jessi, not her aunt, that he really needed to talk to. The only problem was he hadn’t been ready at the time. Now, after seeing her at the cemetery, he knew he could not put it off any longer. He had to see her and talk with her. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop that day, but he couldn’t help it. He heard the guilt that was so evident in her voice. He had to relieve her of the burden that she had been carrying for so long. He’d rehearsed the conversation in his apartment until he felt he had perfected it. Prayer was the better solution, but it felt good to at least have a plan.

She was just as beautiful as the day he had married her. After all this time, he still loved her. He had known it the moment he had laid eyes on her unloading that car. He took in everything about her that day. She was wearing a pair of tan shorts, a white pullover t-shirt, and a pair of tennis shoes. He used to laugh at her because she always wore tennis shoes. She couldn’t stand getting her feet dirty. Her hair was in a ponytail, the way she used to wear it when she was working outside in her garden. Was he ready to face her?

The temptation to fall back into his old ways had never been so great as it was at that moment. To have to face the woman that he loved and yet had hurt so badly would be the hardest thing he’d had to do since getting out of prison. But he knew it had to be done. God would not reveal more of his plan for Mark’s life until he was obedient in this one thing.

A drink sure would help make it easier. No!
He had to stop these voices in his head, tempting him. Mark quickly pulled out his pocket Bible and began reading. Slowly he felt the temptation slip away, and he felt a surge of God’s power curse through him.
This is what Bill meant. When I feel weak, the Word of God will make me strong. Lord, help me be strong in you. No matter what comes of this visit, I know you will never leave me, nor forsake me.
While still in an attitude of prayer, Mark followed the leading of the Father and walked from the park to Jessi’s aunt’s house. He stood for only a moment before knocking on the front door.

Meredith stood at the door looking at her ex-nephew-in-law. Should she invite him in? She didn’t really know what to do. Had she stopped to say a quick prayer, she would have gotten her answer, but she was too dumbfounded by his visit to even do that. She just hadn’t expected this. So she said the first thing she thought of: “What do you want?” She sounded rude and extremely out of character, but it was what she felt at that moment.

Mark had expected this, so he didn’t let it deter him. “I’d like to speak with Jessi, if I may?”

Merry eyed him cautiously but seemed to remember her manners. “She’s not home right now. I’ll let her know you stopped by. Although I’m sure that she doesn’t want to see you, Mark. For the past five years she’d been trying to forget you. I don’t think she’s ready to face you.”

“I don’t have a choice, Meredith. This is something I have to do, whether she is ready or not. I’m thinking that if it were up to her, she would never be ready. It’s just something that has to be done. The sooner, the better. I’ve changed, Meredith. I have to take the blame that I placed on her shoulders all those years ago and put it where it belongs. It’s too much for her to carry, and it’s not fair that she should continue. I have to let her know that everything that happened was my fault. I take full responsibility for everything. I blamed her for not being a good wife. I put all the blame on her. I have to rectify the situation. She was a wonderful mother, and I was jealous of the love she poured out on our son. I used that as an excuse for what I did. I have to get that across to her. I know I may end up with a broken and bloody nose. It’s the chance I have to take. Can you understand what I am saying?”

For the first time in six years Meredith’s eyes were opened up regarding this man. While she loathed him for what he had done, she realized that he was no more of a sinner than she was and he was just as forgivable as she was. God was not a respecter of persons. He forgave all those who asked forgiveness of him. Even Mark. She stepped back from the door and nodded her invitation to him to come into her home. She was pretty sure Jessi would not understand this when she found out, as she surely would. But she knew this was of God. And for once, she must be obedient to God where Mark was concerned.

She offered him a glass of iced tea, which he accepted and was grateful. She began to speak with a quiver in her voice. “Mark, I need to ask you to forgive me. I have allowed the pain I have felt over losing Ethan and the great love I have for Jessi to get in the way of doing what God has wanted me to do all along. I have prayed for you to find Christ, don’t get me wrong, but I did it with a wrong attitude. I did it because it was the right thing to do, not because I truly wanted you to come to Jesus. I had heard from a friend that you came to know Jesus while you were in prison, and I was almost sad. I wanted it to be Jessi so bad that I couldn’t find it within myself to be happy for you. That was so wrong of me. Can you ever forgive me, Mark?”