Until I Love Again (23 page)

“Please continue,” Joey said, his voice soft. “I haven't heard anything incriminating so far.”

Susanna wiped her eyes. Why did Joey have to say such a nice thing at the wrong time? She tried to smile at him but couldn't.

“I am to be married off,” Susanna finally whispered, “to the only Amish man who will take me. He is a widower, and all I have to do is attend the baptismal classes and be baptized soon afterward. After the wedding my past indiscretions will fade away, washed off by the sacred vows of marriage, I suppose.”

Joey sat up straighter on the fireplace rug. “Do you love this man?”

Susanna kept her gaze on the stone angel. “Do I have to answer that?”

Emma spoke up. “No, she doesn't love him! That's why we're here.”

Joey glanced between the two of them. “If you don't love him, why would you do this, Susanna? I think I know you pretty well that this is not who you are. This would be nothing more than an arranged marriage.” Joey allowed the horror to tinge his voice. “What about the life you love out here, Susanna? And your music? I can't imagine a woman who can play the way you do taking a man she doesn't love as her husband.”

“Music?” Emma gasped. “Susanna plays music?”

Susanna ignored Emma. “I want to do what is right, Joey. I know that makes no sense to you, but this is what the people I trust say is right.”

“But what about
you
?” Joey insisted. “What do
you
think is right?”

“
Yah
,” Emma interjected. “What you feel toward the man you marry is very important. It would be wrong for you and wrong for him if you were to marry Ernest when you don't love him.”

Susanna turned to face Emma. “But you're only saying that because of your feelings for Ernest. You know our community doesn't think that way.”

“But if you left Ernest heartbroken after the wedding, how would you live with yourself?” Emma countered. “And think of the pain you'll leave me in too.”

Joey's head swiveled back and forth between the two of them.

“Sorry, Joey,” Susanna muttered. “We talk a different language, so bear with us.”

“Yeah, some translation would be nice,” Joey said.

Susanna gave Emma a quick glance. She shouldn't betray Emma's
trust, even to explain things to Joey. “Maybe we'd best leave that topic alone,” Susanna said.

Joey shrugged. “As you wish, but you have done nothing to be ashamed of, Susanna. I can understand, I guess, why you might give in to the pressure the community has brought to bear on you. But you really shouldn't. You're a wonderful woman, Susanna. You're bigger than this. You're loyal, and decent, and beautiful on top of all that.”

“Stop it,” Susanna ordered, lowering her head. “Don't say such things.”

“Maybe I should explain the problem to Joey,” Emma said.

“Go ahead and give it a try,” Susanna allowed. “But—”

Emma hurried on. “See, Joey, the man who has offered to marry Susanna is well-thought-of in the community and is not without other options. His name is Ernest Helmuth, and there are at least two widows who would gladly accept a marriage proposal from him. Neither woman would trouble herself with questions the way Susanna does. To the community's way of thinking, Susanna has led a wild life. The question then is, how can Susanna predict what will happen after she says the marriage vows with Ernest? What if she wishes she hadn't married him? She doesn't love the man by her own admission. What if she doesn't learn to love Ernest after the wedding, as everyone claims she will? If Susanna should decide to leave Ernest after the wedding, that would be absolutely awful. And even if she didn't leave him, what if she stayed with him out of a sense of duty? I don't think Susanna could keep that up for the rest of her life. It would only mean trouble.”

Joey grunted. “You people sure do look at things differently. But from what I'm hearing, I agree that Susanna shouldn't marry someone she doesn't love.”

“I wish you could persuade her of this,” Emma said, exasperation in her voice.

Joey laughed. “And how would I do that? By giving her an executive order not to marry this Ernest guy?”

“I am being ordered around enough already,” Susanna got in edgewise. A smile flitted on her face in spite of herself.

“Susanna is stubborn,” Emma muttered. “You can't talk sense into her easily.”

“Why should that surprise anyone?” Susanna asked. “Remember, I have an
Englisha mamm
.”

“The bottom line is that no one can make this decision for you, Susanna. You have to decide for yourself. But I have confidence in you,” said Joey. “I believe you'll make the right decision when all is said and done. And now, at least—I think I understand what's going on.”

Emma was grim-faced. “
Goot
! At least we haven't wasted our time. I didn't take this risk just to make more trouble.”

“If there's trouble over this, don't worry. They'll blame it all on me,” Susanna said.

“Come,” Joey said. “I want to hear you play the piano before we go back.”

“Play?” Emma exclaimed. “I didn't come over here for that.”

Susanna ignored Emma and walked over to the piano bench. Joey followed and leaned against the piano with expectation. Susanna closed her eyes, and her fingers found the keys. She pressed down gently, and a melody soon overflowed into the whole house. The dark weeks that had passed rose in her mind, and the music washed them away. She saw Ernest, and Lizzie, and Martha, and their smiles. Her fingers moved faster, searching for the right sounds.

Her memory returned her to a time when she thought she was purely an Amish girl and she thought her
mamm
really was her
mother. The carefreeness swept over her as the music rose higher. Susanna didn't hold back—the longing, the love for her people, the friendship with Joey, and the loss, the desire to have back what no longer was, the impossible sorrow of knowing that this never could be. She swept her fingers across the keys one last time and then stilled the piano with both hands.

Joey's face came into focus in front of her. Susanna stood to her feet and raced for the front door with Joey close behind her. Emma was already there, her eyes round like saucers. Life would never be the same for any of them. She had met a fork in the road—and having chosen a path, she could no longer turn back.

Chapter Twenty-Three

S
usanna and Emma stepped out of Joey's car and hurried toward the parked buggy. Emma climbed in while Susanna turned to Joey and said, “I'm sorry for the trouble I've been today, and for—”

He silenced her with a touch of his finger on her lips.

Susanna trembled. Would Joey take her in his arms right here in front of Emma? Besides, weren't they only friends? And yet, she wanted very much for him to hold her right now. She wanted to feel his strength. She wanted to forget the world that lay only a few short miles down Maple Ridge Road. She never wanted to see Ernest Helmuth again, or hear him speak, and she certainly did not want to say the marriage vows with him this fall.

Susanna took a deep breath. “I have to go back, Joey.”

His eyes searched her face, and he gripped both of her shoulders. “Susanna, I'll always be your friend, but listen to me. Back there at the house, I heard with my own ears what's in your heart. You are not what they say you are. You don't have to marry this man if you don't love him. There's a way out. All you have to do is call me. I'll help you.”

Susanna looked away and said nothing. What was there to say?

“You can break out of whatever is holding you back, Susanna. It's in you. I know it is. Don't let them do this to you.” His fingers dug in. “Do you want me to talk to this man?”

“No!” Susanna gasped.

“Then at least be honest with everyone about who you are.” Joey gestured toward the buggy. “Besides, think of Emma. She loves this Ernest. Wouldn't moving aside and letting her have him be the reasonable thing?”

Susanna struggled to breathe. What Joey said was true. How could she marry Ernest when she knew Emma loved him and she didn't?

“But how can I leave?” Susanna's cry rose into the air. “My family is here. The life I know. It's all I planned for myself.”

“You cannot go on like this,” Joey told her. “I think you know that.”

She reached for him and pulled him close. The sobs came quietly once his arms closed around her. She nestled her head against his shoulder, and the world seemed to float away. How
wunderbah
it would be to never leave Joey's side. She could imagine the two of them as they floated off into the bright sky, high above all of this trouble. Oh, if only they could!

Joey's soft voice broke into her thoughts. “Susanna, you must do something about this. I don't know what, but something. You can stay at our house temporarily if it comes to that—whenever you're ready. Mom and Dad would welcome you, and we'd find a more permanent apartment quickly. I have connections, and Mr. Kenny will give you your old job back.”

Susanna cut him off. “Joey, I don't know what I can do—but you're right that something has to be done. I have to face things.” Susanna's voice caught. “I guess that's what I haven't been doing. But now I'll try.”

He opened his arms with reluctance, and she stepped away.

Susanna looked up at him and tried to smile. The effort failed, and she buried her face in his chest again. “Joey, just hold me tight for a moment longer. I know none of this makes sense. I don't make sense. My life doesn't make sense! What I'm doing doesn't make sense, but I guess I was born without sense.”

He rocked her gently. “You will do the right thing. I know you will. And, Susanna—I love you.” He cleared his throat. “I love you, and this will turn out right. I know it will.”

Susanna didn't dare look at him or she would never leave. How could he say such
wunderbah
words that soothed her heart? And yet she knew they would be awful words for him to say in front of
Daett
or Ernest. How could she think of being strong and accepting the love of an
Englisha
man? That was what she was doing. Ernest had never held her in his arms. And if he had, it wouldn't be like this.

Susanna pushed away and muttered, “Thank you, Joey, for everything.”

“Be strong now,” Joey called after her.

Susanna still hadn't looked back when she reached the buggy and pulled herself up to settle on the seat beside Emma. “Is he still there?” Susanna whispered.

“
Yah
,” Emma told her. “I'm sorry to have overheard some of your conversation. I shouldn't have been here.”

“It's okay,” Susanna said. “In a way, I'm glad you were here.”

Emma turned the buggy around. “Susanna, it seems to me you made your choice today. And for what it's worth, I think it's the right one. Not just for you, but for Ernest. We both know he wouldn't want to marry a woman who could love an
Englisha
man.”

“
Yah
,” Susanna agreed.

As Emma drove past Joey's car, edging her way back onto the road, Joey waved and Susanna leaned out of the buggy to wave back.

“Don't fall out of the buggy,” Emma quipped. “I wouldn't want that on my hands.”

Susanna smiled and settled back into her seat with a sigh.

Minutes later, Emma pulled into the Millers' driveway. “You will tell them then?” she asked Susanna.

Susanna pressed her lips together. “I guess I'll have to.” She climbed down from the buggy and looked up at Emma with gratitude. “Thank you for being my friend today. I'll never forget this. I pray you won't get in trouble.”

“I hope so too,” Emma said with a smile. Then she turned the buggy around and drove off.

Susanna walked up the driveway toward the house, her heart like stone as she thought of what was ahead of her.
Daett
and
Mamm
and Ernest must be told that she had sneaked off to meet Joey. If she didn't tell them, she would feel the weight of her guilt until she confessed. Was Joey worth it? She had only to think of his arms wrapped around her to know the answer to that question.