Until I Love Again (24 page)

Susanna forced her feet forward as her mind raced. So much of her life had been half-truths. She once thought she had been born and raised in this house the way her brothers had, but she hadn't been. She once thought she was an Amish woman, but she wasn't. She once thought that what
Daett
wanted was what she would always want, but she didn't. She once believed that her heart would always be in the community. Now she saw that was wrong too.

Susanna quickened her steps, and
Mamm
met her at the front door with a nervous smile. “That was a long ride. Did you have a
goot
time?”

Susanna looked away. “There is something I must tell you.”

Mamm
tried to laugh. “That's an awful serious note after a
wunderbah
time spent with Emma. Did Emma tell you she has her eyes set on Henry and can't get his attention?”
Mamm
teased.

Susanna went into the living room and seated herself on the couch. “We went out to see Joey,” Susanna said, not meeting
Mamm
's gaze. The shame of the whole thing turned her cold, and yet she must tell the truth. Emma would if Susanna didn't.

Mamm
's voice was weak. “You did what?”

“Emma arranged for me to meet Joey this morning, and we ended up going over to his house. That's what took so long.”

Mamm
stared for a long moment. “I'd best get
Daett
.”
Mamm
got to her feet and reached for the back of the couch.

Susanna stopped her with a touch of her hand. “Let me tell
Daett
, please. It's best that way.”

Mamm
didn't protest. Her face was bloodless when she turned to enter the kitchen, no doubt to busy herself and keep the pain at bay.

Susanna stood, moving toward the front door with her outstretched hand. Tears stung her eyes, and once out on the porch, the afternoon breeze blew across her face. Susanna stopped to feel the coolness rush over her. She hadn't noticed the wind on the walk in from Emma's buggy. How much of life was like that right now—buried under a load of sorrow and questions? If she could only move past this point in her life and live the way she had before, carefree and with an open heart. But that couldn't happen. It was too late.

Susanna moved forward again, slowly walking toward the barn. Perhaps
Daett
was in there. She opened the door to peek inside. The dim darkness was broken by the soft clink of horse harnesses and the low murmur of voices in the back of the barn. Susanna stepped forward.

Henry's cheerful voice greeted her first. “Come to help with the manure cleaning, I see. I'd say it's about time after riding around all morning with Emma.” Henry laughed and stopped to lean on his pitchfork.

Daett
's voice was more serious. “Why don't you boys take this load of manure out while I speak with Susanna?”

“But it's not full yet,” James protested.

Henry seemed to understand. “Let's go,” he told his brother.

The two climbed on the manure spreader and left, sending sober glances back over their shoulders.

Daett
stated the obvious. “You have something to say.”

Susanna nodded, unable to speak.

“Perhaps we had best sit down.”
Daett
didn't wait for her answer before he took Susanna's arm and led her to a low wooden bench near the haymow. “Sit,” he said, and sat beside her.

Susanna gathered her thoughts as
Daett
waited. Finally, she began.

“Emma and I went to see Joey this morning,” she said. “He wanted to talk in depth with me, so we met and he took us to his house.”

Daett
was quiet for a moment and then said, “You will have to tell Ernest. He needs to know.”

“Do I have to?” Susanna buried her face in her hands.

“
Yah
, you will do what is right,”
Daett
said. He slipped his arms around Susanna's shoulders and pulled her close. “You will always be my daughter. Nothing will change that, and we can hope Ernest will understand. We just have to figure out how to help you leave the past behind, Susanna. But the Lord will help us.”

Susanna lifted her face toward the silent barn walls, sobs raking her body.
Daett
's kindness tore at her. If he had yelled and chastised her she would have understood, but not this.

“I don't think I can leave it behind. That's the problem,” she managed.

Daett
held her tight and whispered, “
Yah
, you can. You must. Go
now and help your
Mamm
in the house. I'll let Ernest know so he can come over after supper.”

Susanna got to her feet, but she couldn't get a word out. What was there to say?

“We'll make it through this together.”
Daett
tried to smile. “That's what our people do.”

Susanna tore herself away and rushed out of the barn. She slowed her steps once she was in the yard, pausing near the front porch to let more wind blow across her face. Her whole body ached, but she would not think about that right now. She would help
Mamm
, and work, and work, and work. Maybe that would help ease the pain.

Mamm
opened the front door and asked, “Did you speak with
Daett
?”

“
Yah
,” Susanna replied. “He will tell Ernest, and Ernest will be over tonight. Until then, I will work and not think. If I think any more, I'll go mad.”

“We never go mad with the Lord on our side,”
Mamm
said.

Susanna didn't respond, but hurried past
Mamm
to take the stairs up to her bedroom and change into her work dress.

Chapter Twenty-Four

T
hat evening during supper, Susanna had tried to join in the chatter around the table but hadn't been very successful. Nor had she been able to eat much. Thankfully no one had commented on her obvious distress. Surely her brothers had questions about her talk this morning with
Daett
and about Ernest's announced visit later in the evening. The questions went unasked and unanswered.

Once the table was cleared and the boys sent upstairs, Susanna helped
Mamm
wash the dishes until sounds in the driveway signaled Ernest's arrival.
Daett
got up from his rocker and went outside to greet Ernest.

“Come,”
Mamm
told Susanna. “These dishes can wait until later.”

Susanna stifled her protest and followed
Mamm
to sit on the couch. They'd wait here until
Daett
came in with Ernest. What would happen beyond that, she had no idea. Maybe she was expected to get down on her knees, beg for forgiveness, and promise to never see Joey again. That she couldn't do.

Susanna cringed when the front door opened. She kept her gaze on the floor as
Daett
and Ernest entered the house.

“
Goot
evening, Ernest,”
Mamm
greeted him.

“Please be seated,”
Daett
said.

Mamm
moved from the couch to her rocker as feet shuffled all around her.

“Susanna.”
Daett
's voice brought her head up. “I have told Ernest the whole story, but it would be best if he also heard the words from your own mouth. Confession is
goot
for the soul.”

Susanna opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

Ernest spoke up. “I want to assure you I'm not forsaking you—even though what happened this morning has shocked me to the depths of my soul. I can't begin to think what may have caused such an action on your part, Susanna. Your
daett
assured me there are reasons that we may not understand. Of course, I will expect that the most strict measures be taken with you to keep you accountable, and that a confession be made in front of the ministers when you take your next baptismal instruction class. I'll speak with Deacon Herman and see that this is requested of you if you don't volunteer. But I'm sure you will, as your conscience must be bothering you awfully.”

Daett
cleared his throat. “You should be very thankful that Ernest is so understanding, Susanna. Not all men would feel this way. Most men would cut off a relationship with you if they heard such news.”

“I want to do my part in Susanna's search for repentance,” Ernest continued. “The Lord knows that my daughters need a
mamm
badly. It's best, I'm thinking, if we work through these problems instead of ending the relationship.” Ernest gave a mirthless laugh. “Our people believe in restoration, so it's proper and right that we put into practice what we preach. I must say, though, that I never thought we'd get into a situation quite like this.”

From where within her it came, Susanna had no idea—but she found herself sputtering, “Ernest, I'm not sure you're right. Perhaps we
should
call the whole thing off. You can leave with no hard feelings from me. As for your girls, I know there are plenty of widows in
the community who would love a marriage proposal from you. Any of them could give you the wedding you want this fall and be the kind of
frau
you need. They would most certainly not be the kind of
frau
I'd make for you. Surely you can see that.”

“Susanna!”
Mamm
exclaimed. Shocked silence settled over the living room.

“Did I just hear what I heard?” Ernest asked. “Susanna is picking my next
frau
for me? Whoever heard of such a thing?”

“She didn't mean it,”
Mamm
explained. “The stress of this morning has affected her mind. And Susanna has barely eaten all day. I'm sure she'll be better by tomorrow. Just to be sure, I'll see that she eats right after you leave.”

“Maybe she ought to eat now,” Ernest said. He turned to Susanna. “You shouldn't say such things. The Lord is in this match, and it wouldn't be decent to switch horses in midstream.”

“You're right, Ernest,”
Daett
assured him. “You wouldn't do something like that. You are a man of your word, but still…I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to adjust your course. Susanna has given you plenty of cause to do so, and I will say nothing in the least against your character if you change your mind.”

“I am committed.” Ernest sat down and leaned back in his chair. “As any God-fearing man should be. I stayed by my first
frau
's side through her illness, and I cannot do less with Susanna.”

“But I don't love you, Ernest,” Susanna tried again. “I've already told you that. There are other women in the community who can love you.”

Ernest stared for a moment. “You seem serious about this. Has someone said something I ought to know about?”

Susanna paused. It was not her place to reveal Emma's crush. “I speak only for myself,” she finished. “But I am sure there are other women in the community who can give you what I cannot give.”

“Your
daett
says it was Emma Yutzy who took part in this deception with you. Has she been planting these ideas in your head, Susanna? Is she why you went to meet your
Englisha
friend this morning? All this begins to make sense now. The nerve of the woman. To think that…” Ernest snorted at the thought. “Emma will be dealt with. This surely disqualifies her from continuing in the baptismal class, to say the least.”

“No! That's not what I meant.” Susanna tried to stand, but collapsed back onto the couch.

“That's a little harsh, don't you think?”
Daett
said.

“Not with an important issue like this,” Ernest retorted. “I have taken a great risk with Susanna. What will the community think if my judgment is called into question? Emma is to blame for this escapade—that's what I say. The matter could not be clearer in my mind. She has gotten things into her head no woman should dare think.” Ernest waved his hand about. “Emma would have me take her home from the hymn singing by her own choosing. She's almost making her own marriage proposal like the
Englisha
people do. That's the message Emma is sending—as if I would pick her over Susanna!”