Until There Was You (34 page)

When Viola pulled Nate into a hug, he looked over her shoulder and saw Abel and Cecily talking easily, which made him feel good. He wanted them to get along; he valued both of their opinions so much. Cecily gave an easy laugh, which made Nate hug Viola harder, his body expanding with happiness and a weird pride. He was proud that he was making it work with somebody like Abel, and he was proud that he had maintained his friendship with Cecily despite geography and heartbreaks.

"Bailey looks so happy. You're a great dad and nephew and man," Viola whispered kindly.

Nate wanted to clutch at his chest to contain the warmth that he felt radiating from it. He wanted to hold it in his grasp and let it penetrate his skin and settle in his whole body. He held the tray steadily. Bernard rose from his seat and put his hand on Nate's shoulder.

"Thank you for inviting us, son. It means a lot to your mother," Bernard said stoically. "And to me." He coughed, trying to obscure the words so that they wouldn't have to be commented on.

"Well, thank you for coming… Dad," Nate replied, tentatively, feeling his way through this new terrain. Things weren't perfect. The cracks were still obvious for anyone to see, but they were being papered over a little. It meant more to Nate than he could verbalize. He had wanted to write about it in his new book, but he couldn't. It felt too private and too precious; it was something that was in his veins, a cosmic relief. Like somebody had taken luggage off his back that he hadn't even known he was carrying. Bernard removed his hand and patted his arm gently.

Nate looked to the side and saw a tear roll down Ava's cheek. Her skin was bright and clear with happiness.

"I have to go. I have drinks to distribute. But, umm, I'll bring Bailey over to see you all soon. And then we can talk some more." Nate smiled and went back to Cecily and Abel, handing them their drinks and then resting the tray back on a spare piece of gym equipment. David was talking to Cici animatedly, his cheeks flushing in the same way that they always did when he had been flirting with Jennifer as a teenager.

Nate pulled Abel away with a sharp tug. "What is going on there?" he asked quietly, nodding his head at Cicely and David.

"I don't know. They saw each other and it was like they were possessed. It was like I didn't exist anymore. Did you guess this would happen?" Abel asked, looking at the oblivious couple.

"No. I never really thought of it as an option, but label me intrigued now. I think I get behind it, though. They're both really good people. And they're both kind of gorgeous." Nate rested against Abel, happy that his friends were feeling the love that he felt. Now that he thought about it, it did make more and more sense.

"What were you guys talking about when I was over there? You looked like you were having fun," Nate said, curious.

"Not much," Abel replied.

"Not much?"

"She just said that you seemed happy and that she loved the writing that you had been doing. She thinks it's the best thing that you have ever done. She was surprised that I hadn't read any of it. She also said that she thought you were the luckiest person in the world to have found me." Abel grinned.

"First of all, she would have never said that—because she is well aware that I feel very
unlucky
to be lumbered with you. Also, I just want you to know that it means a lot to me that you are comfortable with all of this." Nate spread his arms. "I can't even imagine what it must be like. Being thrust into this crazy life. You went from having space and freedom and time to having none of those things overnight. It must be crazy meeting my friends and having Bay all of the time and having everything uprooted and changed. I don't want you to think that I don't recognize how gracefully you are handling all this. And if you need some breathing room..." Nate whispered. He still had his arms around Abel's back, but they were looking at each other now, creating a small space for themselves.

"Don't do that… Don't push me away."

"I'm not. I'm just saying that I'm grateful. And I don't take it for granted. You need to know that. Okay?" Nate said, temporarily forgetting that he was in the middle of a party.

"More than okay."

"Okay."

Nate moved his weight forward onto his tiptoes and kissed Abel quickly. Then they both turned to look at the still-captivated Cecily and David. As he watched, he saw Cecily's body go stiff and knew instantly something was very wrong. Then David grew rigid, like a wave of horror had washed over Cici and crashed into him.

Nate suddenly felt like everything was falling into slow motion, like the room was steeped in heavy molasses and the oxygen had been sucked from the atmosphere.

Bailey's voice shot through the air like a whip. "Papa, you're here."

Nate recoiled as he turned around. Joshua was standing in the doorway, his huge frame taking up most of the space, blocking the exit that Nate's body was telling him to escape through. The light from outside haloed Joshua's edges, making him look like an angel or a superhero. He was dressed in a nice beige sweater and expensive jeans. He looked exactly like Nate remembered; all solid angles and reassuring handsomeness.

Nate could hardly catch his breath; he was sucker-punched by love and hate and joy and pain. Somebody was talking to Nate, but he couldn't distinguish who—he couldn't make sense of their words, or disassociate them from the dull thud that boomed through his brain. Bailey dropped his toy and ran to Joshua, launching himself forward at a velocity that made Joshua stumble back. Nate felt Abel's hand on his shoulder and he shrugged it off in a way that would have been cruel if he had the presence of mind to understand the consequences of his actions. His skin was sensitive and reeling, making the light touch feel like a branding iron.

Nate pulled his hands through his hair. Before he knew what he was doing he walked forward, the sound of his trainers on the wooden flooring loud in his ears. "Bailey, I need to speak to your pop," Nate demanded, his voice steely and cold.

"But Daddy," Bailey whined, clutching Joshua's neck.

"Bailey!" Nate demanded.

Bailey looked shocked and jumped down. Nate heard his quick little footsteps as he ran to Abel behind him.

"Outside. Now," Nate said, pushing Joshua backwards.

Nate opened the entrance door and watched Joshua follow him outside. The air was cold and there was moisture in the atmosphere, promising a rainstorm that had been forecast for weeks. The sky was gunmetal gray. Joshua put his hands into his pocket and kicked at the gravel so that a cloud of dust rose up. He tried to speak, but the words were cut off at the bottom of his throat. "I see it didn't take you long to find someone. He's handsome," Joshua said, partly cold and partly—clearly—trying to make a connection.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Act as if I have done something to you by moving on. Believe me, I didn't think I would be able to. You don't know what it was like waking up that day. I honestly thought that I was going to fall apart. I thought that I would just collapse. I went to bed with you and I woke up alone. That's pretty shit. So don't act as if I just, out the blue, found someone else. It was a battle and I'm not a very good soldier. And you knew that about me and you still walked out. You left me behind like I was some kind of driftwood." Nate paced up and down as if standing still would mean that he would fade away.

"I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than I can say. You invited my sister to Bailey's party and she convinced me to come. I knew it was a mistake, it's a mistake." Joshua shrugged, defeated.

"No, it's not a mistake. It's a great present for Bay, and he's the important one here. Yes—he's the only important thing. Shit, I was so mean to him back there."

"He'll understand."

"He's had to understand a lot lately. He shouldn't have to understand that his dad can't control himself."

"Yeah. I know. I can't believe myself. If it's any consolation, leaving that night was the worst thing that I have ever done. I haven't stopped beating myself up about it. I feel like I'm just an open wound walking around, trying to fix all of the things that I broke." Joshua sat down on the ground, obviously overwhelmed and exhausted.

"I am glad that it's painful. I wish I was more grown up than that, but I'm not. You left our son lost and you could have just called him. You could have sent a card. He lost his home.
We
lost our home. And you weren't there to help us, and you promised that you would be. And I don't know why you did it. I just don't get it—even now. I've gone over it and over it in my mind and I don't know what happened between me going to sleep and waking up." Nate stopped and felt a single raindrop land on his cheek.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm a coward? That I ran away because I was too afraid of staying and fighting? That I knew how much I would hurt you and I couldn't hang around to watch it? Then yes, yes to all of those things. I lost everything and I wasn't able to be there when it happened." Joshua covered his face and spoke into his hands. He kept his eyes off Nate, closing them tightly, which made him feel a little angry and unseen. Nate wanted something from Joshua that he couldn't explain, even to himself. But he knew that he wanted Joshua to look at him, to give him that kindness.

"You didn't lose anything until you chose to run away. So at least look at me," Nate said pathetically, his voice thin and whiny. He felt like he had been pushed up towards the edge of a cliff and was pleading for his life. The day had started so well and had spun so spectacularly off its axis that he couldn't really catch any bearings; the whole world felt like a dream. Nate sat down next to Joshua, so that he could feel at least a little bit tethered to the ground. He ground his hands into the dirt.

"I don't know what you mean. I lost the business. I lost our house. My car. Our security."

"That just shows me that you never really knew me at all. I never expected those things, and if you thought I did, if you thought I wanted more than you were able to give, then I'm sorry for that," Nate said, looking across the parking lot.

"Don't apologize. That makes me feel even worse. Worse than I do every time I wake up and you're not next to me. What did you mean when you said that I didn't lose anything until I walked out?" Joshua was holding back a spike of emotion; Nate could hear it in the way that he spoke.

No matter how hard he fought it, he could feel himself falling back into the person he had been when he had loved Joshua so much that he was willing to give up everything to be with him. He felt ridiculous; but then he remembered his life with Abel – how truthful it was, how much fun they had, and suddenly Nate felt further away from the person who saw Josh as an idol.

"You know that I could have worked in a store and written more quickly, maybe done some things for that awful magazine that kept asking for essays. And you could have worked in another business, even started low on the ladder. We could have rented. Bailey would have understood. I would have understood. If you'd given me the chance." Nate tried to explain, but was worried that he didn't know how.

"But you always looked at me like I was some kind of hero. You used to lean on me when we stood together, and it was more than just a physical leaning. It was like you were handing me your whole life." Joshua dug his heel backwards and forwards.

"I was. I was doing that. And it is probably too much pressure. But that's just how I am. It's
who
I am. I tried to change when I fell for Abel, but I couldn't. But you could have still explained what was happening. You weren't going to break me. You left me to sign the house over and restart my entire life alone. That wasn't even pretending to protect me, or your son. You took something away from me that I didn't think I could live without." Nate felt the anger in his body ebb away; he realized that he wasn't mad so much as in need of answers. He wanted to know why these things had happened. He wondered whether his lack of true anger showed that he had moved on or that he knew, deep down, that Joshua leaving had given him the chance to begin again stronger.

"I need you to know that I thought I was protecting you. I can't explain why, there's no logic, but I just thought it was the right thing to do after fucking up so stunningly. I don't know what was going through my mind." Joshua shook his head.

"Well, it means a lot to me that you at least thought that you were doing the right thing. That you thought about it before you fled," Nate replied.

"Of course I did."

"Of course you did."

"You know that I love you and Bailey more than everything in the whole world, don't you?" Joshua said, his voice quivering with sincerity.

"I used to know that," Nate replied helplessly.

"It's still true."

"Sure. Make sure to tell Bailey that. It will mean a lot to him." Nate's words drifted into the air.

"He looks happy. That makes me feel better," Joshua added.

"I think he's happy; he misses you. Obviously. He talks about you, he tells Abel about you. He tells my parents about you—which I'm sure you can imagine goes down
really
well. I don't think he really understands what happened. If anybody does." Nate sighed.

"I'm so proud of him, and of you. We really raised a good one." Joshua put his hand out and Nate took it tentatively.

"We did. Sometimes I can't believe how cool he is. I can't believe that we helped him grow to be so kind, or that the baby we brought home that day is the little man standing in the hall. I want you to know that, whatever happened between us, you gave me the greatest gift I could have ever had. You helped me become a father and a real person." Nate rested his head on Joshua's shoulder and found the groove that he had rested against for so many years. It felt supportive rather than romantic, like an affirmation that they meant something to each other rather than the relighting of a flame.

"You know, I don't think I have ever seen anyone look as angry as you did when I walked through that doorway." Joshua laughed gently. "I thought that you were going to beat me up."