Until There Was You (31 page)

"Of course, me too. And Papa loves you more than anything in the whole, wide world. We wanted you so much that we drove across the whole country to find your biological mother. When Papa saw you the first time, his whole face lit up like he had seen an angel. We both loved you even before we knew you. Do you know how powerful it is to love someone before you've even met them? It's the best.

"Your Papa would not let you out of his sight for months and months—he even worked from your bedroom so he could be around you. You are very, very precious to Papa." He couldn't help but think back to the first couple of months after they had taken Bailey home; his memories seemed to be bathed in golden light. Thinking back to that time was fantastic and painful in equal measure, now only slightly marred by Joshua's absence.

"Then why did he leave?" Bailey asked tearfully.

"Because adults can be really dumb. They don't always know what they are doing and they make big mistakes because they're too frightened to be honest. People get lost and it usually takes them a while to get found again. There are a lot of reasons that people make mistakes, but never think, for even half a second, that Joshua left because he didn't love you enough. I know that you won't understand this, but I think he felt like he had to leave because he loved us too much. He didn't want to let us down."

"He could have talked to me. I would have helped him."

"I know."

"He couldn't let me down. People you love don't let you down."

"Just remember that. Things happen that you don't want to happen. Things change, even though you want them to stay exactly the same. It's really, really sad, but if you remember that you are really, really loved, then it makes it easier. I can't tell you exactly what is going to happen, and I wish that I could. But I know that Papa loves you more than anything—and if you love something, it tends to come back into your life again. Love comes back to you." Nate kissed the top of Bailey's head. It was impossible for Nate to deny that the image of Joshua that he had always held close to his heart had been scribbled over and tarnished but he refused to believe that Joshua wouldn’t do everything he could to be a part of Bailey's life again. There was just too much love between them to be severed by money and fear and desperation. Nate knew that the bond between them would win out in the end – he was confident that Bailey would have two dads around as he grew and matured into his own man. 

"I wish that it would happen now. I wish that I would look to the forest and his car would be there. It makes me mad that he doesn't know I can row a boat now. He hasn't even see me on a boat! I wish that he knew I was vegan now. Abel showed me how to pitch, but Papa isn't around to see it. I would like to tell him that I have friends like Emma and Abel. I want him to come back and look after you. I know that you say that you don't need papa to protect you, but it would still be good if somebody did," Bailey added, stretching his little body.

"Shall I tell you a secret?" Nate laughed as Bailey's expression changed instantly, excited to be a party to classified information. "It's my job to look after myself. It's not Papa's. It never was. I have to be my own hero. So I look after you and me. I've got us both.  I wish that I had shown you that a long time ago—I wish that you had seen me being my own warrior in the old house—but I'm doing it now. And you just have to believe that I've got you and I've got me. You can always tell me how you're feeling."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"You know that I love you so much that I would drive across the whole country to find you, right?" Bailey said, his tone less sad now, more like his usual inquisitive self.

"That's nice—and I know that you would. But you don't have to because I am right here," Nate reassured Bailey. "What would you like to do? Let's do something fun. Let's shake ourselves out."

"Do you think we could go on the boat with Abel? Or maybe we could play catch with Abel or something," Bailey said excitedly.

"I think it would be better to do something off the river—I think that's for you, Granddad, and Abel. Emma gave me some almond milk and I put a bowl of cereal on the table before I started the dishes, so why don't you get something to eat and I'll speak to Abel?" Nate added.

"Okay," Bailey said, shuffling from Nate's lap and walking to the front door.

Nate pulled his cell from his pocket and scrolled down to Cecily's name.

Nate: If the universe were fair, you would be at my front door with red wine and a terrible DVD in your hand.

The phone buzzed in response quickly.

Cecily: That bad, huh? What's happened? Why do you require red wine therapy?

Nate: Is life a good enough reason?

Cecily: Always. Anything more specific?

Nate: Bailey is having a tough time I think. My dad is communicating about as well as that waiter we had in the O'Briens last year. I don't have my own house and things are getting cramped. Oh, and I think I have to be vegan now.

Cecily: You have to be vegan?

Nate: That's what you took from that message?

Cecily: Skype later? I need to see your gorgeous face whilst we talk all this through.

Nate: Definitely.

Cecily: Love you bae.

Nate: Love you more – but I will never use the word bae.

Home, or Something Like It

Nate put the coffee pot on and listened to the serious voice of the newscaster on the radio. Something bad had happened in the capital and there seemed to be a lot of hand-wringing and arguments over whose fault it was. The toast popped up from the toaster, and Nate pulled it out before laying it on a plate and putting it with all of the other breakfast food he had made. The table was overflowing with fruit salad, croissants, toast, jams, pain au chocolat, tea, coffee, cereals, and condiments. He knew he'd gone overboard, but he couldn't help but feel that this was the beginning of something new, and he wanted to mark it as something special.

Bailey knew about Joshua and had begun the no doubt rocky road to recovery, Abel was the exact thing that Nate hadn't known he'd been looking for, and he was about to start a new life and publish a new book. Nate wanted everything to be perfect for this one morning, so that it felt real and like it meant something, so that it didn't go by unnoticed like all the other mornings. He wanted this one to be
different.

The sound of Abel's running shower stopped and Nate held his breath for a second, excited that he would soon be seeing him. Nate shook his head in disbelief; he felt like a teenager all over again. He couldn't collect his thoughts or help but feel a little nervous at the thought of touching Abel. A shiver ran up his spine when the bathroom door crept open and Abel walked through with a towel around his waist. Nate felt a burst of warm hormones rush through his blood at the sight of Abel's broad, damp body.

"What is all this? Are we inviting over the military for breakfast?" Abel asked, picking up a croissant and tearing some off. Then he walked over to Nate and kissed him casually, his mouth still tasting of the delicate pastry.

"You taste good," Nate said, swooning a little. He felt like he was in a romance novel; everything seemed so
right.

"You taste better. I like kissing you in the morning," Abel added, putting his arms around Nate and pulling him close. He grinned widely.

"You're wet and half naked. Which is how I want you all the time. But I'm gonna go and wake Bailey up, so maybe you should put something on, otherwise I won't be able to take my hands off you." Nate let his hand linger on the flesh of Abel's chest for a second.

"I don't want you to keep your hands of me. My body is a hand-friendly zone," Abel quipped.

"Just go and put some clothes on and then come and eat breakfast. There should be enough for a couple of weeks." Nate watched as Abel left for the bedroom; he couldn't help but look at the way the towel clung to his butt as he walked away. He wanted to follow and climb back into bed, but he knew that he had to wake Bailey and check that everything was at least a little okay.

Bailey was already awake when Nate went into his room and lay down on the bed. Bailey shuffled his little body under the blanket and curled up next to his dad, his thumb firmly planted in his mouth.

"How are you today, buddy? You had a big night last night," Nate said, trying to sound chipper.

"I still feel sad, but I'm a little bit better. I still don't understand a lot of things. I didn't know that people could just leave." Bailey sounded sad and small.

"You know that I will never leave you, don't you? You know that you can always count on me to help you, no matter what happening. You can't get rid of me." Nate pulled Bailey up closer to him.

"Do you promise?" Bailey asked.

"Yep, I promise. Now let's get you out of bed and we'll have some breakfast. I've made a lot of special treats for you." Nate picked Bailey up and carried him to the kitchen. Abel was already sitting down at the table, munching through food and pouring two mugs of coffee. Nate stood in the doorway for a moment, just watching Abel contentedly.

"Dad, what are you doing? I want to eat some food!" Bailey said, pulling Nate from his miniature daydream.

Abel looked up and smiled, and some kiwi seeds were stuck in his perfect teeth. "Hey, Bay, how are you feeling today?"

"Better, thanks. I want to eat all of this!" Bailey grabbed a handful of food and put it onto his plate, his eyes bulging at the colors and textures. The smell of warm pastry drifted through the air, sweet and rich.

"Coffee?" Abel asked, cocking his head towards Nate. Nate nodded and grabbed the mug, his finger touching Abel's skin for an electrifying second.

"You love my dad," Bailey said casually, taking another bite of his toast.

Nate felt his spine straighten with shock.

"What, Bay?" Abel asked, trying to match Bailey's casual attitude but failing miserably.

"The way you look at Dad is like my Papa used to look at him. You smile when he speaks to you. Sometimes you look all shaky when he is close. It's okay, I guess." Bailey shrugged and poured himself some orange juice carefully.

"Bailey, what are you talking about?" Nate asked, gripping to his mug tightly so that he could feel something solid. He couldn't read the energy of the room properly; he had not expected to have this conversation for another couple of months.

"It's okay, Dad. Papa didn't look at you like that for a while; when I was littler he did. He looked at you like he was worried before he left. I want somebody to look at you like that. It's nice. I wish it was Papa, but it's not. Can I have more juice?"

Nate looked at Abel over the table; he looked shocked. "Bailey, are you sure you don't want to talk a bit more about this? It's a big thing for you and I don't want to do anything that would make you feel upset or uncomfortable. You are the most important thing in the world."

"I like you more when you're happy. I don't think you were happy with Papa. You were cleaning all the time, which means that you're sad. I like Abel. He builds boats."

Nate felt a tear roll down his cheek and he tried to rub it away without anyone seeing. "You are the smartest, coolest little man in the whole world, do you know that?"

"Yep, you tell me a lot," Bailey said, rolling his eyes.

"Bay, you know if you ever want to talk to me about anything, you can," Abel added, his voice warm and paternal.

"I do want to ask you something. Where are we going to live? I don't think Granddad wants us at their house."

"Oh. That's a good question. I don't know yet; maybe I'll look at some apartments soon in town."

"I was going to ask you earlier, and if it's not okay with both of you, then just say so. And it
is
important that you both decide together. But, umm, I was wondering if you two wanted to live here. W-With me," Abel stuttered slightly, pulling at his collar like a nervous character in a cartoon.

"Yes! I like this little wooden house," Bailey said happily.

"Oh, I don't know," Nate answered.

"Dad, I don't want to live in an apartment. I want to live here, where the boats are."

"Abel, it's an incredibly kind offer, but isn't it a little soon? It's a big change from living alone. You have all of this independence; you can do whatever you want at the moment, and I don't want to barge in on that. It's a big deal." Nate turned a spoon around in his coffee intently.

"You're not getting in the way of anything. I want my life to change, to grow with you in it. But if it's too much, I understand." Abel didn't sound convinced—he sounded rejected.

"I don't know, let me think about it, okay?" Nate said, trying to work out the situation in his brain like it was a math equation. He was even worse at sorting out his personal life than he was at long division.

"Dad, you're being silly," Bailey huffed, devouring a spoonful of cereal.

"Bay, I'm trying to make sure that I'm doing the best thing for
everybody.
I want to get things right and that means that I have to think really hard before I do anything." Nate tried to imbue his voice with authority, to do his best 'I'm the dad, so do what I say' impression.

*~*~*

Nate sat on the corner of the bed and inhaled deeply.

"I didn't mean to put you on the spot out there," Abel sighed.

"I know. And you didn't. It's just that I want to do everything correctly this time. I don't want to ruin something that is
very
precious to me because I ran into it too quickly. I don't want to hold something so tightly that it breaks." Nate kissed the skin of Abel's neck carefully.

"I get that. And you know that this is very precious to me as well, don't you?" Abel asked, looking up into Nate's eyes.

"I do, I know that," Nate assured him. "I guess I'm still reeling a little from what Bailey said back there. That he knew I was unhappy before I did. He knew that something was happening with Joshua and I was completely in the dark. It's a difficult thing to swallow, that a child understands the world so much better than you do. Do you mind looking after Bay for a couple of hours? There's something that I have to do."