Unwanted Stars (31 page)

The door closed behind her and I collapsed on the bed, my tears spilling, my hands trembling. I'd just told the only mother I'd ever known that I hated her. Which was true. I had so much hate inside me. But, I also loved her. I did and I always would, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. And I hated myself for that.

I resisted the urge to chase after her, to hug her tight, and apologize for saying what I did. My pride was on the line. I had to stay strong. I had to make them understand what they'd done to me.

I never did go to her room in Madrid. Two days later, I packed up and headed for the next destination, never looking back. Maybe it was the safety net of knowing she'd be in London, I wasn't sure, but I wasn't ready to let her in yet. I still needed time. Lots and lots of time. And even then, it might not ever be enough.

Happy Independence Day. Some of the other American tour guides are going to buy some sparklers and hang out in the outdoor atrium of our apartment building, but um, no thanks. Doesn't exactly seem exciting. And interestingly enough, the people I've connected with the least with this job have been the Americans. Maybe it's because they don't fascinate me. And I like to be fascinated.

I'm finally home from the worst four weeks on that bus. I'm sure my attitude had a lot to do with it, but these tour members were kinda cranky and difficult to please. I was not sad to say goodbye to them.

I got home two days ago, but I swear I slept almost the entire time. I called Campbell, he came over, and we slept...well, we did other things too, but mostly we held each other and slept.

I had a couple of days before we would get on a plane to Chicago to celebrate Jason and Hadley's big day. Luckily, Campbell would be able to leave the practice in the hands of Dr. Callow for five days so we wouldn’t be spending the bulk of our trip cooped up in a plane.

For now, though, I needed to unpack and get myself settled in before packing all over again for our trip. I'd established a pretty efficient routine for unpacking my suitcases. All clothes were swept up and put in my laundry bin. Luckily we had several machines in the basement of the building. My toiletries were all packed in Ziploc bags and were easily emptied, and all things placed back on my sink. And the oh so lovely tampons and pads were placed under the cabinet.

Wait a minute.

Hold the goddamn phone.

My tampon box was unopened. I hadn't needed them this entire tour. My period never came. In four weeks. In four fucking weeks, no period.

No, no, no, no!

This can't be happening.

This is NOT happening.

My legs felt weak and rubbery, and I was unable to stand. I somehow walked myself to the couch, feeling like a total zombie. My mind was racing and so was my heart. I was
way
too young for this. Campbell and I had only been together for several months and we'd
always
used a condom.

Except when we didn't.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit!

My eyes clamped shut as visions of shower sex filled my brain. Unprotected shower sex after a miserable, listless, sleepless night on my couch. I was so destroyed by Tabitha, so completely wrapped up in my pain that day that I just wanted to disappear from my reality. I wanted to escape. It was the last day of the month, just a few days before I left for my tour. May Fucking 31st. I'm pregnant. Holy shit, I'm pregnant! This can't be happening! No fucking way.

Smart Auden would go to the pharmacy down the block, take a test, get it over with, have all the information, and figure out what to do. But numb Auden couldn't do that. Numb Auden just wanted to crawl back in bed, hide beneath the covers, and pretend none of this was happening. Happy fucking Independence Day. I was going back to sleep, hoping this was all a bad motherfucking dream.

The worst part was...I wanted my mom. I wanted Charlotte Kelly more than anything, and I refused to pick up the phone. That was not going to happen.

It's amazing how quickly a place that you considered home for over two decades can feel so foreign when you've returned after just six months away. I'd only been in Europe for just shy of six months, but stepping out of O'Hare airport felt strange, uncomfortable, and odd.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Campbell asked inside the taxi.

"Yeah, just jet lag." I smiled.

"Everything will be fine."

"I know," I said. "I can't wait to see Hadley. You're going to love her."

"I'm sure I will," he said. "You light up whenever she's mentioned. I love her already."

"Don't love her too much. She
is
the pretty one."

"I sincerely doubt that." I loved the confidence in his dismissal.

"I'm serious," I said, swatting him playfully on the arm.

"I don't care who you're comparing yourself with. In my eyes, you're always the pretty one."

"You're too much sometimes."

He shrugged, still grinning. "It is what it is. And you won't convince me otherwise."

My period still hadn't arrived and I'd finally done the math. I was eleven days late. So, it was possible that the stress Tabitha had brought to my life was the true cause. I'd had late periods before when stressed out, many times when I wasn't even sleeping with anyone. And we'd only had one slip-up with birth control. The chances were slim. At least, that's what I was telling myself. I couldn't imagine taking a test without Hadley, especially since I knew we'd be seeing her soon. So I'd purposely waited, knowing I'd have her to stand beside me, rub my back, and hold my hand when I was finally brave enough to know for sure.

There was a box of tests in my suitcase. And I'd use them all if I had to.

Ding dong.

I heard Hadley running to the door, screeching in excitement. She threw open the door and tackled me, holding me close.

"God, I've missed you."

"Me, too, Had. You have no idea," I said, grasping her shoulders, not wanting to let go.

My eyes were closed, but I could sense Jason and Campbell having an uncomfortable moment. I pulled away just as Jason was clearing his throat and extending his hand.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jason—"

"Auden's brother," Campbell said, shaking his hand. "I'm Campbell. Pleased to meet you, mate."

Campbell's friendly nature seemed to impress Jason who adjusted his glasses and opened his arms to me, pain in his eyes.

"C'mere, brat."

I sunk into Jason's arms, doing my best not to cry, but it was next to impossible. I felt safe within his embrace, the only person in my family who was just as clueless about Tabitha as I was. My only true ally. The only one I could trust.

"It's gonna be okay," he whispered.

I pulled away, wiping my eyes. "That's what everyone keeps saying, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way. Oh geez, sorry for swearing. Where's Marty?"

"He's napping. Don't worry," Hadley said.

"Come on, I'll take your bags," Jason reached for my suitcase. "We have the guest room ready for you guys."

"Thanks for putting us up," Cambell said.

"Of course." Hadley pulled Campbell in for a warm hug. "We wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously."

We followed Jason to the guest room, dropped our bags, and returned to the living room area.

"The place looks different," I observed. "What is it?"

"Probably all the toys. They're different," Hadley said.

She was right. The bright plastic Fisher Price toys had been replaced by Thomas the Tank Engine and Lightning McQueen. An impressive set-up of train tracks sat between the two couches and a bin filled with wooden trains sat beside it. Jason had always loved trains. That thought made me smile, remembering him with his train set when we were growing up. Now he was able to share that love with his son.

"He's gotten so big," I said, marveling at how much Marty had obviously grown in such a short period of time. "Amazing what six months can do."

"No kidding," Jason adjusted his glasses, "I feel like he'll be getting his learner's permit next week."

"Okay, that's a little dramatic," I said.

"Just you wait...your time will come," he said, giving me shit, but his words made my stomach flip. I hoped my cheeks didn't incriminate me and the secret I was keeping.

"Aud?" Hadley said. "You okay? Do you need something?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, slightly defensive.

"Are you thirsty? Need something to drink? You look exhausted."

"Oh yeah, water would be great."

"Campbell?" Hadley asked as she walked to the kitchen.

"Yes, please." He shot me a curious look, eyes narrowed, brows pulled toward the ceiling. I shook my head, trying to get him to drop it, but somehow that didn't seem likely. All I could do was buy as much time as I could until the wedding activities began the following evening. Once we were surrounded by friends and family, all excited for the wedding, Campbell would be his charming self and I'd be able to put on a brave face. No one would know my period was late. No one would know I was freaking out inside. And no one would know just how angry I still was at my parents. I'd see to that.

Marty zoomed his bright blue Thomas engine around the track. I watched as Campbell and Jason happily played along, letting him call the shots. They zoomed their trains around, cracking him up with animated movements and exaggerated voices. Campbell would make a fantastic dad. But me as a mom? That was another story. The jury was still out on that. But it was still comforting to watch him, so engrossed in a simple game of pretend play.