Unwanted Stars (40 page)

We called ourselves the G.D. I.’S or sometimes the “Gamma Delts”—G.D.I. stands for “Goddamn Independent”—we had no intention of pledging a sorority, even though we were attending a University with one of the largest Greek systems in the country. We all had our own reasons. For me, I’d heard enough horror stories from my older sister and her friends about hazing and catty behavior, that I wanted nothing to do with it. So, we had our own sorority—with an incredibly small membership. But, it was all we needed.

We met at summer orientation. All three of us had last names that started with “M.” And all three of us had selected Weston Hall as our first choice for housing. When we all ended up on the second floor, we knew it was a sign. We were bound to be friends.

First, there was Claudia…the beautiful one. Now, don’t get me wrong. We were all good looking. None of us was hurting for attention from the opposite sex. But, Claudia was different. Claudia Mansour was stunning. Tall with deeply tanned skin and silky black hair that spilled down her back. No matter where she went, guys were smitten, and not just by her looks, but with her attitude. She was indifferent, a challenge. She usually had dates on Friday nights. However, those dates generally ended around 11pm and the guy was usually out of the picture by 11:15 that same night as she easily dismissed each one. It’s not that Claudia was incapable of sustaining a relationship (or so she said anyway). She told me that life was too fun and exciting to get into a comfortable rut of Chinese take-out, dull redbox rentals and no excitement like so many other girls in the dorms were so eager to do once they hooked up with someone. But, I suspected there was more to it.

She didn’t light up, ya know? She didn’t get that fire in her belly when a good looking guy asked for her cell number. She didn’t think about guys from her calculus class that caught her attention. She was just…indifferent. We’d only known each other a short time, but I was really curious to know what had happened to make her build such a suit of armor around her emotions.

Next, there was Grace. Gracie McCarrion was the dependable one who convinced herself that she had chosen not to date. In other words, she was the shy one who had some severe trust issues with the opposite sex. Grace was pretty, very pretty actually. Petite with auburn hair and pale skin, freckles on the bridge of her nose. She was extremely self conscious and wasn’t really comfortable putting herself out there. Grace was the queen of crushes. She had crushes on guys in her classes, guys in the cafeteria, and guys in our Business frat. Even though it seldom led to dating, her crushes usually turned into some form of drama and even though her drama was different from Claudia’s and mine, Gracie was entertaining in her own way.

Then, there was me…Sunny McCormick, the hopeless romantic of the group….and I was also a bit dramatic at times. My friends were my world and I craved spending time with them. Truth be told, I could also be considered the jealous one of the three. I was not too accepting of other friends being drawn into our little circle, let alone overbearing boyfriends who wanted to tear any of us away from the circle. That circle simply meant too much to me. People are always telling me that I’m cute, adorable, spunky and feisty. I’m average height, blond with blue eyes and rosy cheeks. One thing I loved about my appearance is my hair. I had really long, wavy, thick blonde hair that matched my name.

I dated pretty frequently. So much, in fact that Gracie made me watch that film with Hugh Grant…the one with all of the weddings. Someone called his character a “serial monogamist.” She turned my way and placed her finger on her nose, pointing her other hand at me. She was right. That was definitely me. I hopped from one relationship to the next while in high school and was already embarking on a similar pattern at college.

I’d dated two guys since arriving in Champaign. Tom, a guy I met in the laundry room of our dorm, was way too predictable. He liked patterns. Unfortunately, I was not ready for a relationship of designated nights for laundry, taking turns holding the television remote, and routine “date nights” that simply consisted of dinner at the Olive Garden and a movie at the Cineplex on 7
^th
Avenue. I was way too young for that. Looking back, I should’ve realized how routine he would be by watching him fold his clothes that first day in the laundry room. Have you ever watched the Big Bang Theory? Think Sheldon Cooper and you’re all set. He brought one of those folding boards and made perfect creases in every shirt, ever pair of pants. I really should’ve known. But, I was distracted by his bright green eyes and sweet demeanor. Lesson learned!

Almost immediately after Tom came Andy. Andy was a hottie who lived on our floor. (Yes, our building was co-ed). Luckily, since he was pledging a fraternity, he had moved into the house earlier in the semester so I didn’t have to see him after we broke up. Our problem was simple. We were both too busy. He wanted to date me, yet he wanted to spend every Friday and Saturday night watching sports and having beer chugging contests with his fraternity brothers which didn’t leave much time for dating. And I was enjoying girl time so much that I didn’t want to miss anything with Claudia and Grace. He and I were both terrified of losing our friends, so instead we lost each other after a three week love affair.Thoughts of Andy and what “could have been” loomed in my brain often. I had continued to hope we’d get another chance down the line.

But, neither of those guys compared to Sawyer Holcomb. Not at all.

Sawyer appeared on the scene just two hours after we finished applying our make-up and curling our hair. Sawyer was the friend of Claudia’s current guy, Mark, from her Calculus class. Mark had been pestering her for a date, and rather than put him off any longer, she suggested he and some of his friends meet us at our favorite bar, Legends.

I could tell that Claudia was already growing tired of Mark by the time Sawyer and Austin, another friend, strolled into Legend’s. In fact, within twenty minutes of our arrival, she was scanning the room, looking bored. I was giggling quietly to myself when I caught a glimpse of him walking through the door. In less than 2.4 seconds, my entire body had gone numb as I watched Sawyer walk confidently over to our table. He was perfect. Intense green eyes rested below a beautiful head of dark hair the color of milk chocolate. His smile was mellow and his skin a beautiful olive tone. My heart began to race the moment he approached our table. I searched my brain for something witty to say to this beautiful guy before me. After all, I wanted to be everything he had never realized he wanted in a girl, and I wanted to be that in just a matter of minutes.

“Hey,” he said, a gentle smile on his lips. “Sawyer.”

“Sunny,” I said, pressing my lips together and taking a quick sip of my beer.

“Nice to meet you,” he said. “What year are you?”

“Freshman.”

“Cool.” He said with a nod.

“You?” I asked.

“Sophomore.”

“Major?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Business. Corporate Training. I think.”

“Interesting,” he said.

“You?”

“Poli Sci/Pre-law. Child advocacy law, most likely.”

“Wow. Ambitious,” I said.

“I guess. I just…I want to fight for kids. So many of them get lost in the system.”

“Do you know where you’ll go to law school?”

“Maybe here, actually. One of the best in the midwest.”

“You sound like a commercial,” I said with a chuckle.

“Ugh, sorry. It is, though. One of the best, that is.”

He seemed almost transfixed on me. His eyes never quite left mine unless Mark asked him a direct question. It was like he was studying my face, trying to place me, trying to figure out why I was important. Why he couldn’t take my eyes off of me. It was a feeling I was
not
used to having, especially at a bar on a somewhat fix-up made by my friend; my friend who would most likely end up dumping the very guy who made this evening possible. Poor Mark. But, lucky me. I was having the time of my life.

After four beers and two vodka shots, Sawyer offered to walk me home. Excited and nervous, I gladly accepted. I had no intention of sleeping with him, but the thought of saying goodbye was extremely unwelcome. No, I wanted to stay with him for as long as possible.

“You didn’t mention if you were in a house. Are you pledging?”

Uh oh. Was Sawyer Greek? Would he care that I wasn’t? I had to be honest. I wasn’t about to start something based on a lie. Here’s something you need to know about Greeks on this campus. They stick together—and it makes sense. The fraternity and sorority houses are constantly pairing up for activities, events, football games and parties. They surround themselves with each other. I guess it’s only natural. Just like the GDIs tend to stick together in a similar way.

“Um, no,” I answered. “And I’m not planning to.”

“Oh.”

“Are you…in a frat?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “Kappa Sig.”

“Ah,” I said, nodding my head. It sounds so trivial, I’m sure. And don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a Shakesperian tragedy or anything. Greeks dated non-Greeks all the time. But, it was a sign that we might not have a ton in common. We’d just have to see. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah, I do. The guys are cool. And a lot of them are pre-law.”

“Is it true you guys keep old copies of tests and stuff?” I asked, suddenly intrigued. All of the girls on my floor who were pledging sororities acted like they’d signed some sort of confidentiality agreement. They were as tight lipped as they come. I wondered if Sawyer would act that way as well.

He chuckled before saying, “Not sure if I should answer that. Could get me in trouble with the house.”

“Well, then, don’t. Wouldn’t want
that
to happen.” I only allowed the tiniest bit of sarcasm to touch my words. I didn’t want to seem bitter. After all, it’s not like I was such a GDI that I resented Greeks. I just didn’t want to be one. There’s a difference, trust me.

“Okay, fine. Yes. I’m having trouble not fessing up with you. You bring out the honesty in me, I guess.”

“Do you normally have trouble with that?” I asked, stopping on the sidewalk, resisting the urge to cross my arms in front of my chest.

He laughed again. “No, no. That’s, um….that’s really not what I meant. I promise.”

“I get it, it’s fine,” I said, grazing his elbow with my fingers, trying to put him at ease.

“It’s like you see me. Really see me.” He said, his brows furrowed before turning away and walking in the opposite direction of my dorm. Rather than point out his ‘error’ I decided to go with it. At the next block, he did the same thing, even though the Champaign dorms glowed from the other direction. And then I realized. His sense of direction was just fine. He was avoiding it. Avoiding saying goodbye to me.

We walked for another hour, almost in circles, both avoiding the shining light of my dorm. When we finally reached the front doors of my building, he gently took both of my hands into his and kissed them.

He smiled and said, “Thank you for an incredible night, Sunny.”

“My pleasure,” I said. My heart booming in my chest. I waited for him to kiss me. But, it didn’t happen. He sighed while staring at my bottom lip, his eyebrows pointed at one another as if puzzled, conflicted. Was it that big of a deal that I didn’t plan to join a sorority? Finally, it became clear that a kiss wasn’t on the agenda when he squeezed my hands one last time and took a step backwards.

“Well, goodnight.” His eyes were warm, his expression pained. And I was so confused. In a daze, I somehow drifted back to my dorm room and to my bed.

Why didn’t he kiss me?

***

By morning, many things had happened. The girls decided to fill me in over eggs and bagels in the cafeteria. Gracie was depressed. Austin had ignored her all night and she was convinced that it was because of her nose. Now, let me just tell you that she has a perfectly normal nose. It fits her face beautifully. But, still, she hates it because of its lack of ‘perk’. At times, she would grab the end of it and call it “the dipper.” Grace’s defense mechanism has always been to make fun of herself. But, I knew the truth. She hated her appearance, and it was becoming more and more apparent to me each time she leaned on her arm and sunk into her hooded sweatshirt. It was almost as if she was trying to hide her face from the rest of the world.

Claudia was indifferent. Mark was, as predicted, completely out of the picture and gone from her thoughts. “Nice guy, too clingy.” She was, however, intrigued by “The Sawyer situation.” Claudia loved to add the words “the” and “situation” to just about anything that was going on in our lives; from “The Calculus situation” (I had been failing for three weeks) to “The Mail situation” (she had been receiving Teen Beat magazine for four months; presumably meant for the young woman who lived in her room the previous year, but Claudia was convinced that someone was playing a joke on her). For us, it was easy for something simple to become a “situation” that must be dealt with, or at least discussed on a semi-regular basis.

The “Sawyer situation” was the topic of conversation for the remainder of our morning meal. I was happy to gush about the guy who had hung on my every word, held my hand in the moonlight, and who had kissed my hands so delicately at the end of the evening. Both of them stared at me in awe; Gracie because she couldn’t imagine having something like that, and Claudia because she had never allowed herself to feel something like that. Either way, they were ecstatic for my newfound “love” and me. As Gracie began to map out our future, Claudia began to scan the cafeteria for new prospects. It was business as usual for our sorority of three.