Upstate (9 page)
Authors: Kalisha Buckhanon
Love,
Antonio
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July 3, 1990
Antonio,
Antonio,
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Thank you so much for my ring!!!! It's so pretty and shiny and bright and when I flick it under the fluorescent lights in the auditorium at City College I can see a million colors! Thank you thank you thank you baby! The
whole way up there on the bus to see you Mrs. Lawrence kept on looking at my hands and picking them up talking about “Girl, you got big hands. You got man hands.” Now that I look back she had that ring in her purse to give me and she was nervous it wasn't gonna fit. Then Tyler kinda let it slip cause he said something like “It's too big, Ma” and then she popped him the mouth and he didn't do shit but stare out the window until we got there. I wish you coulda been on one knee to give it to me and I could have kissed you like I was supposed to, but it's kind of impossible to do that between all that glass, I understand. But it was still nice. I told my mother all about it, and she just kind of looked at me and shook her head and said, “Oh my God.” I don't care if she ain't happy about it. It's my decision and I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. I think she just jealous cause I got a diamond that stick out big and far on my finger, and all she got is a little tiny glass chip in her ring from Roy.
whole way up there on the bus to see you Mrs. Lawrence kept on looking at my hands and picking them up talking about “Girl, you got big hands. You got man hands.” Now that I look back she had that ring in her purse to give me and she was nervous it wasn't gonna fit. Then Tyler kinda let it slip cause he said something like “It's too big, Ma” and then she popped him the mouth and he didn't do shit but stare out the window until we got there. I wish you coulda been on one knee to give it to me and I could have kissed you like I was supposed to, but it's kind of impossible to do that between all that glass, I understand. But it was still nice. I told my mother all about it, and she just kind of looked at me and shook her head and said, “Oh my God.” I don't care if she ain't happy about it. It's my decision and I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. I think she just jealous cause I got a diamond that stick out big and far on my finger, and all she got is a little tiny glass chip in her ring from Roy.
Don't think I ain't been showing everybody. It was a big b-ball game on Sunday at Rucker and it was a lot of people there from my old crew. They all was looking at me all jealous like, talking bout “She think she the shit cause she got a piece of ice on her finger.” They said that shit under they breath cause they knew better than to say it out loud. Specially since I was sitting with Laneice and Black, and Black's cousin Demonte who just got out the joint and don't care nothing bout cutting nobody throat.
He had on his skully, smoking a Black and Mild and looking all scary with that big razor scar down his cheek coming down to his chin. They looked over at us and just kept on whispering cause they know what's good for em. I just ignored them females cause I'm above all that, Antonio. These bitches still on some childish he-say she-say I gotta get my hair and nails done shit. I'm moving on from that and growing up. That's why I like Tamika and Valencia so much, because they both got goals and trying to do something with they life that's beyond the everyday shit people tell us we can do. I gotta keep on studying hard and doing my thing so I can get picked to go to France, and saving up all the money I make at Macy's so I can get my own place when I get ready to go to college.
He had on his skully, smoking a Black and Mild and looking all scary with that big razor scar down his cheek coming down to his chin. They looked over at us and just kept on whispering cause they know what's good for em. I just ignored them females cause I'm above all that, Antonio. These bitches still on some childish he-say she-say I gotta get my hair and nails done shit. I'm moving on from that and growing up. That's why I like Tamika and Valencia so much, because they both got goals and trying to do something with they life that's beyond the everyday shit people tell us we can do. I gotta keep on studying hard and doing my thing so I can get picked to go to France, and saving up all the money I make at Macy's so I can get my own place when I get ready to go to college.
I been saving all my money. I ask Mommy if she need anything and she always say no, so I just go and buy groceries and toilet paper and hair stuff cause she won't take my money. I'm taking Drew school shopping at the end of the summer so he won't be going to school looking all raggedy. I got the clothes, it's on Grandma to keep his hair cut. Other than that, I ain't wasting my money on no juvenile shit like hair and nails and fake Gucci purses and niggaz who ain't doing shit for me. But you love me, Antonio, and I know you gonna take care of me when you get the chance. I'm gonna send you some money so you can get snacks and other stuff you wanna buy with your money. You can save it or do whatever you want with it. I don't care. I just want you to know I got your
back cause I know when the time come you gonna have mine.
back cause I know when the time come you gonna have mine.
Love,
Natasha
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July 10, 1990
Natasha,
Natasha,
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Thank you for the package of stuff you sent me. I needed all of it so muchâthe toothbrushes, the socks, underwear. I liked the body soap and loofah sponge even though it was girlie. You remembered my Cheetos and Doritos too, didn't you? I had to sit there and wait for them to open every single thing and search it for contraband. They dumped all the shampoo and body wash and chips and put it in these plastic bags. I wanted to go loco cause they didn't have a right to open shit I didn't even want to open yet, but I just held my tongue cause I don't want to jeopardize my right to get a package next quarter. Contraband gets in and that's all there is to it. They can't stop that shit. I seen more drugs in here than I seen in my whole life on the outside. Weed, crank, speed, crackâall that shit somebody done tried to push on me, in the yard mostly cause everybody out in the open and guards ain't right up on you. But me and my cellmates ain't interested in that shit. Mohammed too righteous for it and Benito's only drug is pussy. I just don't wanna go out like that. Dogs come search our cells all the
timeâin the middle of the night, while your wing is out in the yard. The point is to catch us off guard. And they find shit too. They found five bags of heroin inside a radio of this cat on our wing last time, plus bout five Gs he had saved up from dealing. Mohammed claim the real people they need to be searching is the guards and the rest of the staff. He got a point. As much shit as I know is coming through here, dealers inside gotta be getting some help.
timeâin the middle of the night, while your wing is out in the yard. The point is to catch us off guard. And they find shit too. They found five bags of heroin inside a radio of this cat on our wing last time, plus bout five Gs he had saved up from dealing. Mohammed claim the real people they need to be searching is the guards and the rest of the staff. He got a point. As much shit as I know is coming through here, dealers inside gotta be getting some help.
Don't get offended and don't take this the wrong way but I'm sending your money back because I'm a man and I can't take no money from my woman. Even Mohammed was like, That's not cool son. Black women got it hard enough without trying to take care of us. And he right. Mohammed kinda weird and a little nerdy but he can kick some knowledge when he want to. I just don't want my woman sending me money that's all. So I'm gonna send it back. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be eligible to get a job here, maybe in the kitchen or the library or the laundry. In a few years, I might even move up to Wall Streetâthat's what cats call the woodworking factory cause you get to make shit. You get to use your hands and tools and creativity on some level to make all these little wooden parts that they ship out to factories across the country. But that's for the old timers and the nonviolent cats. But it's exceptions based on your behavior and I do plan on keeping my shit together once I start studying again. So I'll be alright and make my money without you thinking about me. Keep it and buy something real nice and send me a picture so I can see it.
Love,
Antonio (your man)
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July 11, 1990
Antonio,
Antonio,
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Well, Antonio, I am a little bit upset you didn't take the money. That was something I wanted to do for you as a present. People give each other presents all the time. That's all it was. But if you feel like I'm disrespecting on your manhood then I can't do nothing but respect that. But I'm telling you, if you need it, don't be afraid to ask.
One person I ain't giving no money to is Roy. Now lemme tell you what this nigga did. He gonna ask me to go to the corner store right and pick him up some stuff. He was smoking the joe and got the munchies, plus he wanted some cigarettes and you remember Sanchez who own the store? Well, he always let me buy cigarettes for Mommy and Roy cause he know us. So I went and got just what Roy asked for: some Newports, OJ, cheese popcorn, 7Up, and we needed some more dish soap. So I'm thinking he gonna give me the money before I left, but he claimed he was gonna give it to me when I got back. Well, when I came back he gonna talk about “Well if you had the money anyway it's no use in me giving it back to you.” So I started screaming that I wasn't giving him his shit and he was like, “Girl you better quit playing with me. I ain't yo mama.” And I wasn't gonna give it to him Antonio, I meant it. But then my mother came out her room cause she was in there under the hood dryer wrapping her hair, and usually she don't take my side so
I just threw the bag on the floor and stomped to my room to turned on Queen Latifah just like I always have to. On the way back there though my mother said, “Roy, that's Natasha's money. If I don't ask her for it then neither should you.” And Roy screamed “Denise, she need to contribute to this house. She grown and old enough to open her legs and hit the streets when she wanna so she shouldn't be hollering about no damn ten dollars.” Now, Antonio that made me so mad cause compared with most kids my age, I'm doing good with myself. I don't even go out that much, only to the movies or parties or Times Square and that's only on the weekend. So my mother said, “Natasha do her part with the chores and she pay for almost everything she want, so I don't ask her for no money and she my own daughter.” Then Roy was like, “Oh she my daughter too when the rent need to be paid to keep a roof over her head, but she your daughter when it's time to correct her?” Then Mommy said “You ain't correcting herâyou just keeping up mess.” Then I just heard Roy stomping around and opening the front door and he said something out in the hall like, “This whole house ain't nothing but a mess. Drew had some sense getting the hell out.”
I just threw the bag on the floor and stomped to my room to turned on Queen Latifah just like I always have to. On the way back there though my mother said, “Roy, that's Natasha's money. If I don't ask her for it then neither should you.” And Roy screamed “Denise, she need to contribute to this house. She grown and old enough to open her legs and hit the streets when she wanna so she shouldn't be hollering about no damn ten dollars.” Now, Antonio that made me so mad cause compared with most kids my age, I'm doing good with myself. I don't even go out that much, only to the movies or parties or Times Square and that's only on the weekend. So my mother said, “Natasha do her part with the chores and she pay for almost everything she want, so I don't ask her for no money and she my own daughter.” Then Roy was like, “Oh she my daughter too when the rent need to be paid to keep a roof over her head, but she your daughter when it's time to correct her?” Then Mommy said “You ain't correcting herâyou just keeping up mess.” Then I just heard Roy stomping around and opening the front door and he said something out in the hall like, “This whole house ain't nothing but a mess. Drew had some sense getting the hell out.”
Well he was gone for a while before my mother came in the room with a towel wrapped around her head and she sat on my bed I guess expecting me to say something, but I just looked at her like, “What?” And she said, “Natasha, can't you just try to stop fighting with Roy? Y'all driving me up the wall, I swear.” And I didn't
even feel like talking about it, so I just sighed real loud and then she kept looking at me and I was like “What?” again. And she said, “Well, girl answer me,” and I said, “I didn't know there was a question,” and she just said, “Watch your mouth.” I just told her, Antonio, that I didn't like him, matter of fact I hated him and I couldn't wait to leave and I was going to France and not coming back. Then I told her about Laneice's mother and father, about how they didn't scream and fight and holler all the time and that was why I liked to go over there so much. I expected my mother to say something to that, but she didn't for a while and when I finally looked up she had her head down and she was crying. I didn't know what to do, so I just started crying too and I hugged her and told her I was sorry. She just said, “Natasha, when your father died I didn't know what I was gonna do. I really didn't, especially since we had nowhere to go. Roy came along and made me feel like a woman again and it had been so long.” Then she kind of embarrassed me cause she said, “I know Antonio make you feel like a woman, that's why you love him so much. I ain't stupid.” Then I said, and I wasn't trying to be smart, Antonio, I really wasn't, “Is that a question?” She didn't get mad though, she just got up and said, “I don't ask questions when I already know the answer cause that's a waste of God's time.” Then she turned off my light like she used to do when she tucked me in the bed and before she walked out she told me, “I know you miss your daddy. I miss him too.”
even feel like talking about it, so I just sighed real loud and then she kept looking at me and I was like “What?” again. And she said, “Well, girl answer me,” and I said, “I didn't know there was a question,” and she just said, “Watch your mouth.” I just told her, Antonio, that I didn't like him, matter of fact I hated him and I couldn't wait to leave and I was going to France and not coming back. Then I told her about Laneice's mother and father, about how they didn't scream and fight and holler all the time and that was why I liked to go over there so much. I expected my mother to say something to that, but she didn't for a while and when I finally looked up she had her head down and she was crying. I didn't know what to do, so I just started crying too and I hugged her and told her I was sorry. She just said, “Natasha, when your father died I didn't know what I was gonna do. I really didn't, especially since we had nowhere to go. Roy came along and made me feel like a woman again and it had been so long.” Then she kind of embarrassed me cause she said, “I know Antonio make you feel like a woman, that's why you love him so much. I ain't stupid.” Then I said, and I wasn't trying to be smart, Antonio, I really wasn't, “Is that a question?” She didn't get mad though, she just got up and said, “I don't ask questions when I already know the answer cause that's a waste of God's time.” Then she turned off my light like she used to do when she tucked me in the bed and before she walked out she told me, “I know you miss your daddy. I miss him too.”
Then I was in the dark all by myself, swallowed up by
the black night, swallowed up by a floating lonely, swallowed up by deep down dark that's inside you and not just around you and likes to tease you and say look at me I'm here and I ain't goin nowhere so you better get used to it.
the black night, swallowed up by a floating lonely, swallowed up by deep down dark that's inside you and not just around you and likes to tease you and say look at me I'm here and I ain't goin nowhere so you better get used to it.
Love your lonely girl,
Natasha
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July 18, 1990
Hey There Lonely Girl! (You know that song, don't you?)
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But anyway baby, don't feel like you alone. I wish I could say I feel you but I can't cause I have grown niggaz snoring all around me so I'm feeling quite crowded right now. But for real though baby girl, cheer up. I can't stand the thought of you feeling lonely. I can't live with it. And the reason why is because I know it's all my fault. I know it's on me why you alone, cause I ain't there to hold you or for you to call me on the phone and bitch about him. Tell you the truth, if I was there I would punch his ass for you, but I ain't there so I can't. Maybe it'll cheer you up to know that Ms. Harris answered my letter and she put my name on the list for an appointment with her. I ain't gonna give you the copy to read cause I wanna keep it since it's so nice and I keep all my letters to read when I'm bored or whatever, but here's what it say: “Antonio, I accept your apology
and understand why you may have acted the way you did. I was a little hurt by your actions, but it is not the first time something like that has happened to me and I'm sure it won't be the last. But you sound sincere in your letter, so with that maybe you and I can start fresh. Why don't we start our new beginning with you writing a book report for me? I want you to finish a book that you find interesting, and then write about it. You can write anything you wantâa summary, response, critique, or review. This will help me assess your skill level and then decide where we should begin. I look forward to receiving that and seeing you again. Thank you again for your apology. Ms. Harris.”
and understand why you may have acted the way you did. I was a little hurt by your actions, but it is not the first time something like that has happened to me and I'm sure it won't be the last. But you sound sincere in your letter, so with that maybe you and I can start fresh. Why don't we start our new beginning with you writing a book report for me? I want you to finish a book that you find interesting, and then write about it. You can write anything you wantâa summary, response, critique, or review. This will help me assess your skill level and then decide where we should begin. I look forward to receiving that and seeing you again. Thank you again for your apology. Ms. Harris.”
Now wouldn't you know that this same day I got this note, Mr. Cook came up here to see me? Come to find out, he got a nephew in the joint. I couldn't believe a man like Mr. Cook would know somebody here. Then again, he knows me. He said that he definitely wanted to see me in person so he could tell me not to give up on my dreams. I gave that cat hell in his class, but I guess he used to kids like me. I was surprised because normally we have to put all the people we expecting to come visit us on a list, but he said he had some connections. I'm wondering what kind of connections a man like Mr. Cook could have in the joint, but then again I guess you can't judge a book by its cover. I mean, the man did rap in class so maybe he a little bit tougher than we think. But anyway, he told me that he came to bring something that belonged to me. It was my copy of
The Catcher in the Rye.
He said that he had held on to it for me cause he had thought things might be different
and I would come back to class. I asked him why he think to bring me the book, and he said I could tell that you liked it. I don't see how he could tell that since I flunked every quiz he gave us on it, but he is a really smart man I guess when it's all said and done. He said he couldn't stay that long cause him and his wife and kids was gonna see some family she had up in Connecticut, so he had to go cause he had left them at the IHOP to come see me.
The Catcher in the Rye.
He said that he had held on to it for me cause he had thought things might be different
and I would come back to class. I asked him why he think to bring me the book, and he said I could tell that you liked it. I don't see how he could tell that since I flunked every quiz he gave us on it, but he is a really smart man I guess when it's all said and done. He said he couldn't stay that long cause him and his wife and kids was gonna see some family she had up in Connecticut, so he had to go cause he had left them at the IHOP to come see me.
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