Upstate (7 page)
Authors: Kalisha Buckhanon
Love,
Natasha
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May 25, 1990
Dear Natasha,
Dear Natasha,
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Baby, thank you so much for all the pictures. You look so good in your prom dress that I had to take your picture down. Benito was staring at it a little too hard and I didn't want him to be up there jacking off and thinking about you. So I put it under my pillow and I was looking at it every night before I went to bed, but I had to stop that because then I was wanting to beat my own meat after looking at it, and I ain't trying to go out like that. So now I look at it first thing in the morning so your pretty brown eyes can wish me a nice day.
So Laneice and Black done hooked up? I'm not surprised. He told me he thought she was fine. Member when we all went down to Times Square on that Friday night, the first night me and you had kissed after you slapped me for grabbing your ass? Well, I had told Black then that I wanted to talk to you and he said he wanted to talk to you too. I told him hell no, you was mine. He had to take Laneice. He said Laneice was too mean, and he was right.
That bitch is mean, always snapping her fingers and fighting and balling with the boys and getting mad over each and every point. But he thought she was cute. He called her chocolate and liked her dimples and dark lipstick. But then when he tried to hold her hand, she snatched it away and told him to keep his motherfuckin hands off her. So it was a wrap. But I guess they finally found a common ground. I hope it work out for them a little better than it seem to be working out for us, though I'm still glad I didn't let him talk to you that night.
That bitch is mean, always snapping her fingers and fighting and balling with the boys and getting mad over each and every point. But he thought she was cute. He called her chocolate and liked her dimples and dark lipstick. But then when he tried to hold her hand, she snatched it away and told him to keep his motherfuckin hands off her. So it was a wrap. But I guess they finally found a common ground. I hope it work out for them a little better than it seem to be working out for us, though I'm still glad I didn't let him talk to you that night.
On another note, I finally got to take a shit in my own toilet. I got the cell all to myself. Benito and Mohammed was in the hole. Mohammed was just bugging out in our cell right after mess hall. Benito got mad cause on his bed Mohammed had left one of his headwraps or kente cloths or whatever that shit he got permission to wear on his head cause of his religion. So he went loco on Mohammed, talking about how he was sick and tired of Mohammed acting like he own the world and he know it all and shit. Then Mohammed said, I should be the one mad cause I gotta put this on my head and it's gone swimming in your cum. Then Benito decked him and Mohammed decked him back and before you know it everybody on the block was screaming and shouting and clanging shit up against the bars and the guards was running as fast as they could to get up here. Mohammed was telling Benito he was gonna fuck him up and Benito was saying the same, and I thought they really was gonna kill each other. Mohammed had Benito in a
headlock, and Benito had started to breathe real funny and hard cause he couldn't catch his breath. Then he had elbowed Mohammed in the jaw, and I heard Mohammed neck snap back and he got real dizzy and fell. Then Benito had Mohammed head in the toilet. I didn't know what to do Natasha. All of the shouting and banging and shit, all of the sweat and noise and chaos in the room. This funny horn started going off, and then these bright white lights started flickering real fast like when you at the club. I got dizzy myself and I just got scared that all these people was gonna swarm in our cell and think I was fighting and then try to attack me too. So I covered my head and tried to crawl under my bed in the corner. I just crawled under there and I was shaking and crying and trying to cover my ears and shut my eyes and disappear. I saw the guards feet when they came in, and I heard the little sticks they carry thudding up against Benito and Mohammed. I heard one of them say, Where's the other one? Then hands was pulling my feet from under the bed. I thought they was gonna carry me away too, but they didn't. They just kind of grabbed me by the back of my neck and threw me on the bed and told me to get out of the way, which is what I was tryin to do before they pulled me from under the bed. Then they just took Benito and Mohammed away, while everybody on the block was spitting and yelling and cussing out the guards. I saw our door slide back and I heard that click to let me know I was locked in, then I knew I was safe. Then I knew that nobody was gonna take me away too or swarm the cell and deck me too. Things had been cool up to
this point. It hadn't been no drama, but I hope that I never have another day like this again as long as I'm in here.
headlock, and Benito had started to breathe real funny and hard cause he couldn't catch his breath. Then he had elbowed Mohammed in the jaw, and I heard Mohammed neck snap back and he got real dizzy and fell. Then Benito had Mohammed head in the toilet. I didn't know what to do Natasha. All of the shouting and banging and shit, all of the sweat and noise and chaos in the room. This funny horn started going off, and then these bright white lights started flickering real fast like when you at the club. I got dizzy myself and I just got scared that all these people was gonna swarm in our cell and think I was fighting and then try to attack me too. So I covered my head and tried to crawl under my bed in the corner. I just crawled under there and I was shaking and crying and trying to cover my ears and shut my eyes and disappear. I saw the guards feet when they came in, and I heard the little sticks they carry thudding up against Benito and Mohammed. I heard one of them say, Where's the other one? Then hands was pulling my feet from under the bed. I thought they was gonna carry me away too, but they didn't. They just kind of grabbed me by the back of my neck and threw me on the bed and told me to get out of the way, which is what I was tryin to do before they pulled me from under the bed. Then they just took Benito and Mohammed away, while everybody on the block was spitting and yelling and cussing out the guards. I saw our door slide back and I heard that click to let me know I was locked in, then I knew I was safe. Then I knew that nobody was gonna take me away too or swarm the cell and deck me too. Things had been cool up to
this point. It hadn't been no drama, but I hope that I never have another day like this again as long as I'm in here.
Stay safe,
Antonio
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May 30, 1990
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Antonio baby, I'm so sorry you had to go through what you went through and I wasn't there so you could lay your head on my shoulder and I could make you feel all better. I could hear it in your voice the other day when you called that you wasn't doing too good. Something was weird, like you wanted to tell me something but couldn't find the words or get it out. Now I know what it was. You was scared baby, and that's okay. I wish that I could talk to you and call you or you call me so I could calm you down whenever you get upset like that, but I can't. Roy said something to Mommy about you calling here. He said that if I wanted to talk to you I needed to get a job and pay for the calls myself. Well, you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm seventeen now. I can get a real job. I want to go and work at the Macy's downtown so I can get a discount, or one of them stores on 5th Avenue so I can buy myself a lot of clothes and save up some money to go to college and get my own place and get the hell out of this house. So Antonio, I'm sorry I have to say this, but I don't think you can call
here anymore. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that I don't want to make Roy mad because I don't want him and Mommy fighting. It's been real good around here. They haven't been fighting, Drew been coming around. We even went downtown to see a Eddie Murphy movie the other day. So the last thing I want to do is cause some trouble over a phone bill. When I get my job I'm gonna get my own phone line, then you can call as much as you want.
here anymore. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that I don't want to make Roy mad because I don't want him and Mommy fighting. It's been real good around here. They haven't been fighting, Drew been coming around. We even went downtown to see a Eddie Murphy movie the other day. So the last thing I want to do is cause some trouble over a phone bill. When I get my job I'm gonna get my own phone line, then you can call as much as you want.
Love you forever,
Natasha
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June 7, 1990
Natasha,
Natasha,
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Well baby I know I promised you I wouldn't, but I got in trouble already. The other day I had met with this woman who come to the spot once every two weeks. They call her the Education Coordinator. She an older black lady named Ms. Harris. She's not really that much older, only maybe thirty or something. The cats on the block told me her first name was Dream. I thought they was joking, but they said that her name really was Dream but it should be Wet Dream, cause every time after she come visit, everybody need to have their sheets washed cause they been thinking about her all night. She's pretty, kinda remind me of you, a little bit of Janet Jackson when she was on
Different Strokes
back in the day. She ain't nearly as fine as you though before you start tripping. She just real nice and sometimes that can make the ugliest person look beautiful. It's mandatory for all the new inmates, although I hate calling myself that, to meet with Ms. Harris when they first come in. She was like, Antonio I see from your file that you're only seventeen years old, you're just a baby. I told her, Miss, no disrespect, but after all I been through in my life I ain't no baby. She didn't get mad though. She just said real cool and sassylike, Didn't mean to disrespect you brother. Now ain't nobody who wasn't really my brother ever called me that, so she got my attention real quick with that one. She just said, I didn't mean to imply you're too young or too inexperienced or that you weren't an adult in this case being a baby is a good thing because you have a lot of time to fulfill your educational goals.
Different Strokes
back in the day. She ain't nearly as fine as you though before you start tripping. She just real nice and sometimes that can make the ugliest person look beautiful. It's mandatory for all the new inmates, although I hate calling myself that, to meet with Ms. Harris when they first come in. She was like, Antonio I see from your file that you're only seventeen years old, you're just a baby. I told her, Miss, no disrespect, but after all I been through in my life I ain't no baby. She didn't get mad though. She just said real cool and sassylike, Didn't mean to disrespect you brother. Now ain't nobody who wasn't really my brother ever called me that, so she got my attention real quick with that one. She just said, I didn't mean to imply you're too young or too inexperienced or that you weren't an adult in this case being a baby is a good thing because you have a lot of time to fulfill your educational goals.
Now Natasha, I had never thought about having any educational goals other than getting my diploma until I met you and decided I needed to do better with my life. So I didn't say nothing for a minute and then finally I was like, I thought about being a scientist. Just cause I had told you that before and I thought it sounded good. I mean going to see Ms. Harris is a privilege, not a right. You can't have no points against you, and you have to be serious cause the first thing she told me when I met her was: Hi, I'm Ms. Harris, I'm here to help you and if you don't want my help leave now and don't waste my time. She thought that was real cool Natasha that I wanted to be a scientist, cause she was real interested and she wasn't being fake about it. She
asked me what kind of scientist I wanted to be. I didn't know it was different types, so I just said a regular scientist. You know all scientists make STUPID dough, I told her. She said, I mean do you want to focus more on physics or chemistry or biology or agriculture or astronomy? I thought about some of the things we had did in Mrs. Jensen's class, like putting plastic tight over a jar of peanut butter and watching it swell up with air pressure and all that. Ms. Harris said, That sounds a little like chemistry and physics you're interested in the secrets of the universe how things react to one another and how different forms of life interact and coexist. Now I didn't know what the hell she was trying to say. I guess I do, I mean I am interested in that type of shit but not in a scientific way. Like I'm interested in how the hell anybody could expect for me and my family to coexist with somebody like my daddy was, or how white people think they can live in the world and never interact with us unless we doing something for them. But I didn't say that. I just told her she was right. So then she was like, Antonio I think that's great and I think you can definitely accomplish at least some of that goal while you're in here but the first step for you is to get your GED. I told her that I didn't want no damn GED cause a GED was for stupid people. Then I caught myself cause I remember that she was a nice lady, somebody who I can't disrespect. She was like, Antonio, GED stands for general equivalency diploma and it is a perfectly legitimate way for people whose circumstances have prevented them from finishing high school to obtain their diploma. Far from being a sign
that you're stupid it is a sign of empowerment because it shows that you want to take control of your life and your future. I told her that I was going to go back to high school because the judge who sentenced me was going to have a change of heart and let me out. She said, Antonio, it says in your file that you pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter in order to get a reduced sentence and that means you have no appeals, which means your only hope of getting out of here will come when your sentence is up in about ten years. I told her she was wrong and that I was gonna get out. She picked up my file again and said, But look here Antonio, your file says ⦠Then I said, Fuck the file, and I snatched it from her hands and threw it across the room and then I threw my chair across the little tiny office we was in and then I knocked all the stuff off the desk with one hand.
asked me what kind of scientist I wanted to be. I didn't know it was different types, so I just said a regular scientist. You know all scientists make STUPID dough, I told her. She said, I mean do you want to focus more on physics or chemistry or biology or agriculture or astronomy? I thought about some of the things we had did in Mrs. Jensen's class, like putting plastic tight over a jar of peanut butter and watching it swell up with air pressure and all that. Ms. Harris said, That sounds a little like chemistry and physics you're interested in the secrets of the universe how things react to one another and how different forms of life interact and coexist. Now I didn't know what the hell she was trying to say. I guess I do, I mean I am interested in that type of shit but not in a scientific way. Like I'm interested in how the hell anybody could expect for me and my family to coexist with somebody like my daddy was, or how white people think they can live in the world and never interact with us unless we doing something for them. But I didn't say that. I just told her she was right. So then she was like, Antonio I think that's great and I think you can definitely accomplish at least some of that goal while you're in here but the first step for you is to get your GED. I told her that I didn't want no damn GED cause a GED was for stupid people. Then I caught myself cause I remember that she was a nice lady, somebody who I can't disrespect. She was like, Antonio, GED stands for general equivalency diploma and it is a perfectly legitimate way for people whose circumstances have prevented them from finishing high school to obtain their diploma. Far from being a sign
that you're stupid it is a sign of empowerment because it shows that you want to take control of your life and your future. I told her that I was going to go back to high school because the judge who sentenced me was going to have a change of heart and let me out. She said, Antonio, it says in your file that you pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter in order to get a reduced sentence and that means you have no appeals, which means your only hope of getting out of here will come when your sentence is up in about ten years. I told her she was wrong and that I was gonna get out. She picked up my file again and said, But look here Antonio, your file says ⦠Then I said, Fuck the file, and I snatched it from her hands and threw it across the room and then I threw my chair across the little tiny office we was in and then I knocked all the stuff off the desk with one hand.
The last thing I saw before three of them big guards came and wrestled me down on the ground and put their knees in my back was Dream face, it was all twisted and scared and I think she was about to cry. I fucked up Natasha and I don't think she'll want to see me again. I had to meet with the warden, and he told me that already I hadn't been there but a month and I was fucking up and he thought I was different from the rest of the trash they get and now he was gonna have his eye on me. I had to spend three days in solitary. It really wasn't that bad. It wasn't like you see on TV with somebody stuck down in a little hole with nothing but bread and water. I was just in a tiny room with no bars, just a little slit in the door where
they passed my food and stuff. You couldn't talk to nobody through the doors or the walls cause they was too thick. You couldn't do nothing really but sit on the floor and think and stare at the white walls. That's what I did every day. I just stared and stared and stared until they let me out this morning.
they passed my food and stuff. You couldn't talk to nobody through the doors or the walls cause they was too thick. You couldn't do nothing really but sit on the floor and think and stare at the white walls. That's what I did every day. I just stared and stared and stared until they let me out this morning.
Love,
Antonio
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June 14, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Dear Antonio,
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Antonio, I feel like so far I been real supportive of you and everything you been going through. But I just have to tell you that what you did was real stupid Antonio. It was just stupid and dumb and how do you expect them to let you out of there early if you wanna go and attack the staff? I mean I can't believe you did that and got yourself in trouble. That's gonna go in your file Antonio, I hope you know that. That's gonna go in your file and it's gonna be on your record permanently as a sign of what you did and how you act when you get privileges. This woman Ms. Harris was right. You do need your GED right now. It's no point in sitting in there waiting to get out when you can be getting that and moving on with your life and going to college. Now they probably
not gonna even let you go to college or go to the GED classes or nothing. Well, I'm telling you this, Antonio, I'll stick by you and be your woman and support you and all that, but I ain't marrying no bum. That's what my mother did with Roy. Get with some man who can't do shit for her but give her some dick and dick don't pay the bills. That's what she says all the time to me: “Natasha, dick don't pay the bills. Get a man with a job and some education.” That's what I'm gonna do, Antonio. Now, you can be that man or you can get yourself in trouble. It's up to you. But I'm not gonna sit around and think about you and pay for your phone calls and write you all these letters if you just gonna go and get yourself in trouble.
not gonna even let you go to college or go to the GED classes or nothing. Well, I'm telling you this, Antonio, I'll stick by you and be your woman and support you and all that, but I ain't marrying no bum. That's what my mother did with Roy. Get with some man who can't do shit for her but give her some dick and dick don't pay the bills. That's what she says all the time to me: “Natasha, dick don't pay the bills. Get a man with a job and some education.” That's what I'm gonna do, Antonio. Now, you can be that man or you can get yourself in trouble. It's up to you. But I'm not gonna sit around and think about you and pay for your phone calls and write you all these letters if you just gonna go and get yourself in trouble.
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