Upstate (3 page)
Authors: Kalisha Buckhanon
I just got up and went into my room and shut the door and turned up my Queen Latifah record real loud so I wouldn't have to hear all the arguing. I pulled out a picture of my daddy when he was alive and when I was first born, you know the one I showed you that looks kind of orange, with me and Mommy and Daddy and those fake trees in the back and I had those two Afro puffs and a sailor suit on? And I was mad at my daddy, mad at him because he had to leave me and my mother and die. Then I got mad at the world for the fire that took our building and my daddy. I mean Antonio why did MY father have to die? Out of all the daddies in the world, God just had to take mine. I was only eleven. Eleven years ain't no time with your father. It's not fair. It's not right. And I got mad at you too, Antonio. Mad because you couldn't talk to me about what was happening in your house and what was going on so I could have tried to help you, so you wouldn't leave me too. Sometimes, I wonder what the point of loving somebody is, if all they gonna do is turn around and leave you in the end. I hope you got a good lawyer, because I can't stand the thought of you being locked up for life. Because in that case, you might as well be dead to me. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I just don't know how
much more I can take. I'm real lonely out here in this world, on the outside like you like to call it.
much more I can take. I'm real lonely out here in this world, on the outside like you like to call it.
Au revoir
(that means until I see you again and I will see you again soon),
(that means until I see you again and I will see you again soon),
Natasha
PS.
J'adore
Antonio ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
J'adore
Antonio ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
February 18, 1990
Dear Natasha,
Dear Natasha,
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Okay there is not much I can say in this letter. I'm gonna have to wait until I see you again because like I told you, these crackers read my shit and I don't want to say anything that might incriminate me. My lawyer told me not to talk to anybody about anything, because it could all be evidence against me in the end. But baby, please don't be mad at me right now. I can't take you being mad at me right now. That thought is like a dagger in my heart, or swallowing a razor and shitting it out. Remember when we were at the library and you found that book showing how white folks threw slaves in the ocean with anchors and chains around their ankles, so they could sink and never come up again? That's what you made me feel like, a slave in the middle of the ocean with a anchor around my feet. Like I was in some deep dark ocean where nobody loved me or cared about me, like I was in the dark with water all around me and inside of me. Like I should just give up and
not even try to fight or struggle anymore. When I read your letter my stomach got all twisted and I got a taste in my mouth like the cod liver oil my mother used to force down my throat when I was sick. You all I got right now, you and my mother and that's it. Maybe Trevon and Black, but it's a different type of loyalty we have. I ain't a punk, but the only thing I can say right now is that I need you, Natasha. I never thought I'd say I need no female, but I need you right now and I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me. I can't tell you totally what happened the night Daddy died, and I wish I could because I know that it would help you believe in me. Let's just say it's not what you or other people think.
not even try to fight or struggle anymore. When I read your letter my stomach got all twisted and I got a taste in my mouth like the cod liver oil my mother used to force down my throat when I was sick. You all I got right now, you and my mother and that's it. Maybe Trevon and Black, but it's a different type of loyalty we have. I ain't a punk, but the only thing I can say right now is that I need you, Natasha. I never thought I'd say I need no female, but I need you right now and I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me. I can't tell you totally what happened the night Daddy died, and I wish I could because I know that it would help you believe in me. Let's just say it's not what you or other people think.
All I can say is that my lawyer is a good guy and I think he really working hard for me. He joke with me all the time about how I'm going to be back in school and back on the courts in no time. He told me that all we have to do is get my story straight and argue that I snapped from seeing my father hit my mother one too many times and I couldn't take it anymore and that's why I did what I did. And that's the truth, it's not a lie. You'll hear in court what happened, the truth will come out when I have my day in court. They want to try me as an adult because I'm seventeen now. He told me that he's trying to persuade the judge that I shouldn't be tried as an adult, and he said that he is sure he can do that for me. Which means, Natasha, that the longest I can be locked up is until I'm 21 and that's not a long time for us to be apart. When I'm 21, you'll just be 20. When I get out we can get married real quick
and start a family and buy a house where you can do hair or make clothes in the basement and I can have a music studio or sumthin down there too. We can do it. We can get through it and this can happen for us. I just need for you not to be mad at me and not to leave me, just to stick by me and not to leave me. Write me back as soon as you get this.
and start a family and buy a house where you can do hair or make clothes in the basement and I can have a music studio or sumthin down there too. We can do it. We can get through it and this can happen for us. I just need for you not to be mad at me and not to leave me, just to stick by me and not to leave me. Write me back as soon as you get this.
Love always and forever,
Michael Antonio Lawrence II
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February 28, 1990
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Antonio, I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to answer your letter. I know you wanted me to write back as soon as I got it, but the truth is, Roy had your letter and was keeping it from me. Yeah, he read your shit. I saw an envelope with NEW YORK STATE INMATE CORRESPONDENCE SERVICES balled up on the dresser in my mother's room when she sent me in there to get her purse so I could go to the corner store. And I snatched it off the dresser and came out demanding to know who opened my shit and who read it. And my mother looked like she didn't know what I was talking about, and then Roy started laughing that ole stupid laugh of his. Talking bout, “Girl calm down. I just wanted to know what the little nigger was talking about. You better write him back soon, cause I don't want the young'un drowning in the ocean.” I don't know what happened, I just couldn't
take it anymore. I had to do something. I had to hit somebody. I hate him Antonio. I hate him so much. I just started screaming and kicking, and my arms were swinging around like the fan blades and I was saying, “I hate you I hate you I hate you!” over and over again. He was laughing at me the whole time, grabbing my arm and lifting me up off of my feet like I was a rag doll. And my mother was screaming, “Don't hurt her Roy! Don't hurt her please don't hurt my baby!” and then he finally put me down. I just left the house in a daze. I don't know how, but I ended up on the 2 going to the Bronx. I stayed at my grandmother's house this weekend. I'm not leaving. I'm not going back there. Drew was smart getting the hell out of that house when Roy came. I don't care what my grandmother say about trying to get along. I'm not going back.
take it anymore. I had to do something. I had to hit somebody. I hate him Antonio. I hate him so much. I just started screaming and kicking, and my arms were swinging around like the fan blades and I was saying, “I hate you I hate you I hate you!” over and over again. He was laughing at me the whole time, grabbing my arm and lifting me up off of my feet like I was a rag doll. And my mother was screaming, “Don't hurt her Roy! Don't hurt her please don't hurt my baby!” and then he finally put me down. I just left the house in a daze. I don't know how, but I ended up on the 2 going to the Bronx. I stayed at my grandmother's house this weekend. I'm not leaving. I'm not going back there. Drew was smart getting the hell out of that house when Roy came. I don't care what my grandmother say about trying to get along. I'm not going back.
So Antonio, I'm sorry that I didn't write back soon. I didn't get your letter and I thought you weren't thinking about me because you were too busy getting ready for your trial and stuff. Write me back soon. Or try to call me collect at my grandmother's house cause this is where I'll be for the rest of my life.
Love,
Natasha
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March 1, 1990
Dear Whore:
Dear Whore:
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Natasha you are a stupid bitch. You don't care about me. All you know how to do is think about yourself. You don't think about me waiting for your letter every day you don't think about me calling your house and you're not there and I don't know where you are if you dead or alive or if you got somebody else. You're selfish and you get on my nerves bitch bitch bitch hoe hoe hoe bitch I hate you
With hate,
Antonio
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March 14, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Dear Antonio,
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I don't know what's going on with us. I don't know why you're treating me like this but you need to chill. Stop breakin' on me for something that wasn't my fault. Antonio, I miss you so much my stomach been hurting and I can't eat no more. I was even throwing up the other night and Roy black ass gonna tell Mommy, “You better go get the girl a piss test and see if she pregnant.” I told him, “Leave me the fuck alone,” and called him a gorilla-looking son of a bitch under my breath. Why he always on my case? But I miss you so much Antonio, I'm gonna
die. I swear I'm gonna just lay down and not get back up. I think I lost about ten pounds, maybe even more. Them tight skirts you used to like on me ain't even tight no more. I don't have a belt tight enough to keep em up. Antonio, I'm so worried about you I don't know what to do. I NEEEEEEEDDDDDD to see you. I don't know why you not calling me. What did I do to you? I can't even eat and I can barely sleep because I'm so worried about you and scared that you hate me. I had to leave Mr. Lombard class the other day because I was crying again. He tried to talk to me after class again, telling me that he was always there to talk and asking me if I needed counseling or some shit like that. I don't know why that white man always trying to be my friend after class when he treat me like shit in class, but whatever. I don't know if you got beat up in there or what. I talked to your mom and she said that you were calling the house. I asked her if you had asked about me and she said that you said you were through with me. She asked me, “What did you do to my son?” and I told her I didn't do nothing. I explained to her about why I didn't write you back, about Roy and stuff, and she just nodded her head and said something like, “Antonio just acting real sensitive right now.” I don't think she believe me because she been acting funny now when I stop by, so I don't stay long no more. Or maybe she just sad, real sad that you ain't there and Mr. Lawrence is dead and Tyler and Trevon is asking her why they daddy gone and they big brother is locked up. So I didn't ask if I could go with them to see you this
weekend. If your mother's mad at me and you're mad at me, then I didn't want to place myself in a uncomfortable situation.
die. I swear I'm gonna just lay down and not get back up. I think I lost about ten pounds, maybe even more. Them tight skirts you used to like on me ain't even tight no more. I don't have a belt tight enough to keep em up. Antonio, I'm so worried about you I don't know what to do. I NEEEEEEEDDDDDD to see you. I don't know why you not calling me. What did I do to you? I can't even eat and I can barely sleep because I'm so worried about you and scared that you hate me. I had to leave Mr. Lombard class the other day because I was crying again. He tried to talk to me after class again, telling me that he was always there to talk and asking me if I needed counseling or some shit like that. I don't know why that white man always trying to be my friend after class when he treat me like shit in class, but whatever. I don't know if you got beat up in there or what. I talked to your mom and she said that you were calling the house. I asked her if you had asked about me and she said that you said you were through with me. She asked me, “What did you do to my son?” and I told her I didn't do nothing. I explained to her about why I didn't write you back, about Roy and stuff, and she just nodded her head and said something like, “Antonio just acting real sensitive right now.” I don't think she believe me because she been acting funny now when I stop by, so I don't stay long no more. Or maybe she just sad, real sad that you ain't there and Mr. Lawrence is dead and Tyler and Trevon is asking her why they daddy gone and they big brother is locked up. So I didn't ask if I could go with them to see you this
weekend. If your mother's mad at me and you're mad at me, then I didn't want to place myself in a uncomfortable situation.
But I just want you to know that I do love you. I'm sorry if I wasn't thinking about you and what you're going through. I guess I shoulda wrote to you even if you didn't write me, and I promise it won't happen again. I promise you I won't ever hurt you again or ever cheat on you in life. The prom is coming up and I swear to you I'm not going with anybody. Me and Laneice and some of my cousins might all go together and wear the same colors, but that's it. You'll be there in my heart. I'll put your picture in my purse. Write me back soon or call me when you get a chance. I'm back at home now with my mother, so you can call me there. I will sit at home all week if I have to and wait for your call.
Love,
Natasha
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March 17, 1990
Dear Natasha,
Dear Natasha,
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Baby, I'm so sorry for everything I ever did to you. I'm so sorry for making you upset and making you cry and I promise I will never do it again. When I heard your voice on the phone the other day I just felt so stupid and mad at myself for treating you the way that I treated you and saying the
things that I said and returning your letters. You better keep your promise and send them back because I want to read each and every one of them and write you back for each and every one. I was so relieved when you picked up the phone and took my call. I thought that you would hate me after the way I treated you and how I acted. MGD and Mookie was laughing at me when I was talking on the phone with your ass, calling me whipped and sprung and shit cause I was apologizing so much. They was like, Youngblood got it bad, youngblood got the jones. But I didn't care. I love you. You're my woman, my lady, my girl, my heart. Nothing else mattered when I was talking to you. My trial is about to start soon, and it's gonna be over quick because everybody gonna see the truth about what happened. And when they see the truth and see I ain't no monster and that I'm a real person with feelings who wouldn't kill his daddy for nothing, they gonna let me go and then we can be together forever. We can be with each other forever. I want to marry you. Natasha, will you marry me?
things that I said and returning your letters. You better keep your promise and send them back because I want to read each and every one of them and write you back for each and every one. I was so relieved when you picked up the phone and took my call. I thought that you would hate me after the way I treated you and how I acted. MGD and Mookie was laughing at me when I was talking on the phone with your ass, calling me whipped and sprung and shit cause I was apologizing so much. They was like, Youngblood got it bad, youngblood got the jones. But I didn't care. I love you. You're my woman, my lady, my girl, my heart. Nothing else mattered when I was talking to you. My trial is about to start soon, and it's gonna be over quick because everybody gonna see the truth about what happened. And when they see the truth and see I ain't no monster and that I'm a real person with feelings who wouldn't kill his daddy for nothing, they gonna let me go and then we can be together forever. We can be with each other forever. I want to marry you. Natasha, will you marry me?
Sincerely,
Antonio
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March 21, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Dear Antonio,
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Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Natasha
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March 26, 1990
Dear Natasha,
Dear Natasha,
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N
ubian Princess
A
lways got my back
T
otally real and fresh
A
ntonio's woman for life
S
mile like sunshine
H
air like silk
A
ll the Woman I need
ubian Princess
A
lways got my back
T
otally real and fresh
A
ntonio's woman for life
S
mile like sunshine
H
air like silk
A
ll the Woman I need
Love you forever,
Antonio
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March 30, 1990
Dear Antonio,
Dear Antonio,
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Your mother is real excited about us getting married. She told me that I should make you buy me a big diamond ring when you get outâin a few weeks, she said. You didn't tell me baby you was getting out in a few weeks, did you? Anyway anyway, it's this place up on 125th and 7th where I know we could get a big diamond real cheap. It might be stolen from somewhere, but it'll still be cheap. I'm sure if you got about a hundred or two dollars we could get one. After the rings we can get a car, then an apartment to call our own, and then a house. Remember
when Black had stole that Malibu on 145th, by the library, and we drove up and down FDR all night? You looked so fine behind the steering wheel. I was shocked that you could drive. You never told me you were that good behind the wheel. Then you promised me you would teach me.
when Black had stole that Malibu on 145th, by the library, and we drove up and down FDR all night? You looked so fine behind the steering wheel. I was shocked that you could drive. You never told me you were that good behind the wheel. Then you promised me you would teach me.
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