Valentine Wishes (Baxter Academy Book 1) (25 page)

She looks up and sees me. Her face crumbles and a sob breaks from her lips. Grabbing her to me I hold Jackie close as she sobs into my chest. There really isn’t anything I can say. All I can do is hold her for as long as she needs me.

N
umbness
! That is all I feel, if you can feel numbness. Isn’t numbness the absence of feeling?

Why did this happen? Nobody knows and I hate that.

Grandma is going to be okay, but she’s sedated and will have to be in the hospital for a while because of a few bruised ribs and fractured hip. They are going to wait to do surgery, to see if she’ll need it or not. With her heart condition, they don’t want make her go through anything major if she doesn’t need to. Until she is more alert, she won’t be able to tell us anything.

Theo is a good driver. Cautious. I don’t get how this happened or why.

Brett wouldn’t let me go by the accident scene. Hell, he won’t even tell me where it is, or where the car was taken. He said I don’t need to deal with that now and to give it time. That’s all I have is time. Yet, I don’t. Even though Theo is in the morgue, they are holding the body until my grandmother tells them what happened. One of my Aunts mentioned that Theo takes different meds, not that she’d know if he took them or not.

I shouldn’t be bitter and I know they mean well, but they don’t know the issues we’ve had with Theo not taking his meds. Besides, Theo would never drive if he was feeling even a bit off. It’s one of the reasons he hates the drugs. And, he would
never
drive Grams if he didn’t feel right.

Even though they are holding him for now, I still had to tell them which mortuary to take him to. We only have one in town and named that one. Within a few hours their director came to see me in the ER. I get that decisions need to be made but couldn’t they have waited at least a day?

“It gives you something to focus on, Jackie,” one of my aunts said. “Details help at a time like this.”

How the hell would she know? Her siblings are alive and I don’t believe she had to ever plan anyone’s funeral.

The tears start up again. I am not supposed to be planning my eighteen-year-old brother’s funeral. Nobody should have to plan a funeral for someone that age.

Since nobody is allowed to see Grams until tomorrow, my aunts and uncles sent me home. A few wanted to come stay with me, but I didn’t want them. I didn’t want anyone but Brett. He hasn’t left my side since he got to the hospital and I don’t know what I’d do without him here.

He unlocks the front door and turns on a light before I step inside. My phone is shattered on the floor and I just kick it out of the way.

“Can I get you something to eat or drink?”

I just shake my head. I don’t want anything right now. I couldn’t eat if forced to.

“Is there anything I can do?”

There isn’t a damn thing anyone can do. My baby brother is dead and I don’t know why.

I’m supposed to meet with the funeral director tomorrow. I was told to bring clothes, pictures, information for the obituary. Thankfully he gave me a list of stuff he needed because otherwise, I would remember it all.

I also need to call the Red Cross. That’s who we are to call when there is an emergency and we need to get in touch with a soldier. They’ll make all the arrangements to bring Tyler home. But, I don’t even know when the funeral is, so how can I tell them? I won’t know until they decide to release Theo and who knows how long they’ll decide to hold onto him. I don’t even get why they are. It was an auto accident.

“Why don’t you lay down and try and get some sleep?”

Brett is trying, he really is, but I don’t need him to do anything but be here. “I need to get the things.”

“What things?”

“Funeral stuff.”

“That can wait until tomorrow.”

“I’d rather do it now, while I think I can.” I shake my head. “Can you go into the back room, the family room where the television is? There is a cabinet on the far wall full of photo albums. Can you put those on the dining room table?”

“Sure thing. What are you going to do?”

“Pick out clothes.”

I grab the banister and start up the stairs. I should not have to be picking out the clothes my brother is going to be buried in. He was supposed to live to be old and decrepit, longer than me. This is messed up and so wrong.

Pausing at the door I flip on the light but I can’t move forward.

Theo didn’t make his bed today. Grandma would be so pissed. But, if anyone could get away with breaking her rules, it was Theo. The maid has the day off otherwise it probably would have been made.

The rest of his room is neat and I walk to the closet, open the doors and turn on the light and just stare.

Nice clothes. Aren’t people usually buried in nice clothing? It’s not like I’ve been to all that many funerals, but the bodies are always dressed as if they are going to church or a wedding or something like that.

Theo would hate to be buried in a suit and tie. Hell, I’m not even sure he owns one that fits.

I can’t do that to him. Theo liked his jeans and t-shirts. That is all he wore and I’m not going to dishonor him but making him wear a tie to his own funeral. That is just so wrong.

His favorite, faded jeans are hanging there and I grab them from the closet and then lay them on the unmade bed.

I probably should make it. Grandma would want me to, but I don’t want to change what Theo left. If he wanted it made, he would have made it all up nice.

A t-shirt. I need one of those. But which one?

His dresser is on a different wall and I walk to it. An envelope, with my name on it, is leaning against the mirror.

It’s Theo’s handwriting and I pick it up, my hands shaking. Why would he write me a letter?

Behind it is a CD in an unmarked, plain envelope.

I’ll worry about that after I read his letter.

Sinking down onto the bed I take it out and unfold the paper.

J
ackie is just sitting
at the foot of the bed staring at a piece of paper, tears streaming down her face. I should have never let her come up here alone, but she seemed to have it together.

“What’s that?”

“He killed himself.” Her voice is hollow. “Today wasn’t an accident. Theo committed suicide.”

I’m not buying that. If you really want to kill yourself, you don’t use a car. It’s too unpredictable. There is no guarantee you will die, or that you’d be left in an ever worse state that you started, but still alive. “Are you sure?”

“Read this.” She holds it out to me.

I sit next to her and read her words. “Today was an accident,” I finally say.

“Did you read the letter?”

“Yes,” I respond calmly. “Theo would have never risked your grandmother’s life like that.” I point to the line and read, “You and Grams are the only ones,” and then “Tell Grandma goodbye.” He would not have risked her life in taking his own.

Jackie sniffs. “You really think so.”

“Yeah.” I fold up the letter and put it back in the envelope.

“Then, when do you think he was going to do it?”

I think I already have an idea, but who knows when he wrote the letter. “What were his plans tomorrow?”

“Go into the mountains, time with his camera, in nature and to make peace…” She trails off and grabs the letter again. “He never said he was going to be at the meeting, just that he didn’t intend on being in bed with headaches.”

“And, he was going to fly.” Theo was going to jump from a cliff. I know it in my gut and so does Jackie. The car accident was just that, an accident, even if we don’t know the why yet.

Jackie leans into me, her head on my shoulder. “If I wouldn’t have lost him today. I would have tomorrow.”

“Unless he changed his mind.”

She shakes her head. “I think he was more determined than ever, now that I think back on breakfast. He’s more wiped out and depressed after the headaches and I think that’s what did it. He was done.”

I pull her close. “I’m sorry, Jackie. I wish there was something I could say or do.”

She glances at her watch. “There isn’t anything anyone can do right now, but I need to call the Red Cross.”

“Are you still going to see if Tyler can come home?”

“I’ll leave it up to him. Theo may not have wanted him to come, but I think Tyler is the one who needs to make that decision, don’t you?”

I
slept
, but I didn’t. What sleep I did get wasn’t good. But, every time I woke, Brett was right there beside me, his arms wrapped around me in a warm cocoon. Normally I can’t sleep touching anyone, but last night I really needed to have Brett exactly where he was. The man hasn’t left my side since I found the letter, except when I went into the bathroom, and it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. But I need a few moments to myself. Somehow I’ve got to prepare myself to see Grandma. We were to come back to the hospital at nine this morning and I’m dreading it.

Has she been told? Do we need to tell her? Will she even remember what happened? Do I tell her or anyone about the letter? It was written to me and only me. Will the rest of my family decide that Theo did this on purpose when I know in my gut he didn’t. I’m kind of ashamed that I originally thought that too. Thank God Brett pointed out Theo’s wording. If Theo hadn’t had the accident yesterday, I would have been telling him goodbye today as he headed off into the mountains.

I’d like to think I would have picked up on something and been able to stop him, but I might not have even been here. I thought he was fine and planned on spending the night with Brett. I would not have been here! He would have just driven off and today I would have gotten that visit from the police except this time Grandma would have been with me and who knows what that would have done to her heart.

There’s the chance I would have found the letter when I got home from Brett’s but I’m lying to myself. I never went into Theo’s room unless he was sick so I wouldn’t have gone in today. I would have just gone about my business, happy as can be in Brett’s bed and then coming here, completely clueless of the fact that my brother was going to kill himself.

I should have seen it. I should have caught on. Hell, I didn’t have a fucking clue until Brett became worried, and that was only because of what his mom had did.

But, I’m Theo’s sister. We are close, even if a lot of conversations were one-sided and his participation was usually grunts. Except, until recently, when he had started talking. A lot more than we ever had. I just thought he was growing up or coming out of his shell, but that wasn’t it at all. He was preparing me or he’d already made the decision?

When the hell did he decide to kill himself and write that letter? Yesterday? A week ago? Months ago. He’d thought about it for a year but when did he decide?

A chill runs over me. When I started dating Brett, Theo wanted to make sure I was never alone and waiting until I had someone. Until I had Brett.

If I wouldn’t have started dating him, then Theo would still be alive because I’d be alone.

J
ackie is gone
when I wake up. Jumping out of bed I go searching for her. I don’t want her to be alone any more than necessary. Her sleep was troubled, when she did sleep and I barely got any myself. But, how long has she been up and why didn’t she wake me.

She’s not anywhere in the house, and I don’t see her outside, or in her office. Her car is still here so I assume she has taken a walk. Maybe along the paths where Theo played as a kid. Didn’t she say he and his brothers used to build forts back there?

I take the widest one that leads toward the stream, but never make it to the woods. She’s standing in the family cemetery, looking down at a headstone. Her parents’. Nobody is buried beside them and I assume this is where they will place Theo.

“Remind me to ask the funeral home if they know of anyone who can dig the grave. Normal cemeteries have people for that, but not private ones and I remember grandma needing to hire someone.” Her voice is flat and it kind of worries me, but she’s got to still be processing everything. I know I went through a lot of emotions and stages from numbness to pain, crying and everything in between when mom died. Jackie is just starting the mourning process. A lot of times people just go through the motions and get things done. It isn’t until after the loved one is buried and the wake is over that the real mourning begins and reality sets in.

I take her hand. “I will.”

Damn, I wish I had vacation time. Someone needs to be here for her and her grandmother. Jackie can’t stay in this big house by herself, waiting for her grandmother to come home. At least I have today and tomorrow. I’ll even stay here, leaving early to get to work on time, and driving here after. It’s almost two and a half hour round trip, but it’s better than me being in my house and Jackie all alone here.

“We can see your grandmother in about an hour. Do you want to get something to eat first?”

She just shakes her head. “Just a shower and change of clothes.”

I don’t have anything to change into but I’ll wash up and hope the family doesn’t notice I’m wearing the same thing.

My Aunt Helen is just coming to the door when we walk up. She’s carrying a bag and what looks like a casserole dish. “Here’s something for you to eat later,” she says.

“Thanks.” Jackie takes it from her.

Then my aunt hands me a bag. “Quinn didn’t think you’d be back to your place before Monday so he went and got some clothes and toiletries for you.”

Uncle Quinn and Jackie are the only other people with a key to my house. “I appreciate that.”

She stands there awkwardly for a moment. “Well, call if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Mrs. O’Brien.”

“Helen,” she corrects Jackie. “Please, call me Helen.”

Jackie just nods and goes into the house. I bid my aunt goodbye and follow Jackie. She left the casserole on the kitchen table and then disappeared upstairs. I put it in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil and find another bathroom so I can wash up before taking her to the hospital.

I wish I knew what was going on in Jackie’s head. It’s almost like she’s not even here. Like she’s disappeared somewhere inside herself and that worries me more than anything. If I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling, how the hell am I supposed to help her?