vicarious.ly (5 page)

Writing that Christmas card might have been the single best thing I have done in the past year or two. A few days after I emailed the card, I got an email from one of my college friends Brandon. I hadn’t seen him since Paul’s wedding two years ago. He told me that he was organizing a beach house getaway for a New Year’s celebration in Key West. He said Paul, Paul’s wife, and pretty much every guy in my core group of friends in college were going to be there. I don’t get invited to non-work related events very often, so I confirmed my invite on the spot. There was really nothing to lose. Plus, it would be great to get away from the cold weather in Boston and go somewhere more tropical. I’ve always heard that the Florida Keys were a place worth visiting.

Brandon was the epicenter of my social group in college. He was everyone’s friend. I don’t know if he realized just how much I appreciated his social grace. If it wasn’t for him I probably would have been having a date with whiskey in my apartment on New Year’s Eve waiting to go to a club where I could find some girl to commiserate with. Just thinking about the past two New Year’s that turned out that way still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I haven’t belonged to a group of friends since college. In a sense I still consider myself part of Brandon and Paul’s group, but my existence lies on the fringe of it. By fringe, Paul is my only point of contact to knowing what’s going on in everyone’s life. He updates me with what he hears from everybody and I assume he tells everyone else what’s going on with my life. Everything else I get from my Facebook news feed. People always talk about what it feels like to be the person who was left behind. Actually I don’t think being the person who gets left behind is that bad. What’s really tough is to be the last person that remembers. I keep telling myself that people have already forgotten about my existence.

This trip could be one of the last chances that I had to re-incorporate myself into my group of friends. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I would say to my past friends if I had one day to spend with them. I don’t get out much so I have to make the moments memorable. I always wondered what would have happened if I didn’t fall off the face of the earth after Kyla and I went our separate ways. It’s impossible to go in the past, but I guess it’s never too late to try and pick things up where they last left off.

I booked my flight to take off on Friday December 28
th
. The party would be a whole weekend in Key West. I flew from Boston, had a layover in Miami, and then flew into Key West. Thank God I’ve amassed a ton of airline miles because by the time I looked at ticket prices, they were already thousands of dollars. It turns out that Paul, Brandon, and everyone else had been planning this trip for months. In the past I would have taken offense that I wasn’t invited until the very last minute. Now I just counted it as an amazing coincidence. No matter what happened, spending time with people who at once meant the world to me would be better than lingering in the middle of a club filled with strangers in the dark.

I was the first one to land in Key West after Brandon. I took a taxi to the beach house. It’s then I remembered just how great of a host and party planner Brandon was. The place that Brandon rented out was this three story house with an expansive deck that looked out into the beach and ocean. As I got out of the cab he came out with a couple of Bloody Mary’s and rushed out,

“Jake! It’s been forever man!” he said.

“Brandon. Yea, you know I’ve been kind of away from the world for the past few years,” I said.

“You got any new music? I always liked sitting down talking to you while listening to the newest tunes you had,” he said.

“I have a few new things on my phone let’s catch up,” I said.

Brandon is the kind of person that just bleeds charisma. Maybe that’s why everyone loves him. He’ll draw you into a conversation and the next thing you know you’re talking nonstop and laughing in unison with him. Seeing him reminded me of when I could hold interesting conversations. Maybe it was Brandon just bringing it out of me. He told me what everyone else was doing and how they would be arriving in the next few hours. Eventually he brought up the topic that I have been very evasive about in the last few years.

“Jake, have you worked on Eden recently?”

“No. Haven’t touched it in over five years. I always told myself I would get back into it, but every time I try I can’t even get past the login screen on the website,” I said.

“That’s a shame,” Brandon looked into the ocean.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Well. I actually have used it a few times in the last year. It all began when this Chinese girl told me that since Chinese and English are such different languages, so many things get lost in translation,” he said.

“I really don’t follow what you’re saying Brandon,” I said.

“She said the languages are so different because they evolved from different sources. The girl tried to convince me that it meant that our thoughts are fundamentally different,” He said.

“I still don’t understand what you are trying to tell me,” I said.

“I went to Eden. I used your website to show her how Chinese and English actually had a common heritage. I showed her your project and how it shows how all language originated with some African tribes,” he said.

“You know nothing I made actually proves anything. It’s all fuzzy logic and conjecture,” I said.

“Well she bought it. She actually was very interested in your work,” He said.

“Where is she now?” I said.

“Oh, I don’t know Jake. We ended our little thing about six months ago. That’s not the point. I genuinely think what you did in college is interesting. I never got why you were obsessed with this Eden thing until then. Now I get it, you were doing something incredible,” he said.

I really couldn’t take all of this talk about Eden. It was making me dizzy. As I got up to get a cup of water I heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. It was Paul and his wife. His arrival was a great opportunity to switch subjects. I’m glad that was the last time throughout the weekend I had to talk about Eden. As more of my friends started arriving, I slowly started slipping back into somewhere in between nostalgia and glee.

We had the music turned up loud, relaxed on the beach, talked about old times, and caught up on each other’s lives. To my surprise, I hadn’t been quite forgotten. At times, I couldn’t help but think that it seemed like most of my friends were getting a strong grip on their adult life while I was still riding the wave of what I decided to do immediately post-graduation. Todd was getting settled in the suburbs to run a law practice, Zack was starting his residency in California, Paul was married, and Brandon recently transitioned to venture capital from investment banking. I guess the only thing that I was thinking about was seeing if I could ride my success to Partner at my consulting firm. I really haven’t thought of what I want to be when I grow up. Paul gets a laugh every time that I tell him that. “Look in the mirror Jake and you’ll see a man that’s not too young.”

As more people started arriving, Brandon started pumping the music louder and louder. Brandon asked to see my phone so he could play the electronica that I had for the guests. I forgot that when Brandon has people over, it’s rarely a small gathering. I started seeing girls I haven’t seen in ages. Apparently, our house on the beach wasn’t the only reunion going on. Brandon planned this event with some other groups of girls we knew in college. If I was nostalgic earlier in the day, I really felt like I was back in college then and there.

When I was playing ping pong of the backyard of the house I heard someone’s footsteps ruffle behind me.

“Jake!”

I turned around to see who it was. It was this tall blonde girl named Crista I haven’t seen since graduation. Crista was roommates with Michelle for two years. I remember going over to her apartment waiting for Michelle to get home all the time. I’d sit on her couch, she’d make me coffee and listen to me vent about all of the issues I was facing at the time. She’s always been a nice girl, but we never really knew each other well enough to speak to each other if it wasn’t for Michelle being the glue between us. Crista and Michelle have been extremely close until now, so I generally get the 411 on her life every so often.

“Crista! It’s been forever. I heard you’re out in San Jose now, how you like it there?” I said.

“It’s a lot different than New England that’s for sure. I love it though, everybody’s so relaxed.” She said.

After I beat Brandon in ping pong, Crista and I spent the next couple of hours conversing. Thankfully, I didn’t have to talk to her about Eden. She must have remembered the days that I told her that I wish people would stop bringing it up in conversation our senior year. After a few drinks, I grabbed a six pack and took it to the beach with her. We watched the sunset and walked around. Just a few weeks ago, I would have never thought that I would be able to reconnect with most of the people who were important to me again.

As Crista and I were about to go back inside she asked me,

“Jake, I’ve been meaning to ask you about Michelle.”

“What about her? I’d assume you talk to her way more than me, “I said.

“Well I haven’t talked to her in about a month, but that’s not what this is about. I’m just wondering, why did you never go for her?” She said.

“You do know anything I say is probably going to go straight back to her right? Come on, she doesn’t think of me like that.” I said.

I started getting really uncomfortable. Was this a trap? Why would Crista bring this out of nowhere?

“I’ve just never got it. She liked you, I thought you liked her, but she was always so concerned about you always being in a flavor of the week fling. After Kyla, she just gave up because you wouldn’t stop talking about Kyla,” she said.

I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Was she joking around? But wait, Crista has always been pretty serious. I recalled the memories I had of when Michelle and I were having a casual lunch and I was resisting the searing pain of asking her back to my room so we could “dry hump just to see where it goes.” I was always so good at resisting Michelle because I was so scared of losing her in my life. I always felt great around her.

“I guess I was always too scared of rejection, especially since we got along so well,” I said.

“Well just saying, up until recently she’d talk about her attraction to you,” she said.

“Can you be a little more descriptive?” I said.

“Grow some balls Jake. Take a risk if you want. I already said too much.”

After about a minute of silence Crista I and started talking about the sunset and how beautiful the Florida Keys were. We went back into the house, spoke a bit more and then went our separate ways. Brandon came up to me and said, “where have you been, some things never change you’ve always been the one to pull a Houdini. I want a rematch in ping pong.”

I went to play Brandon in another round of ping pong. I couldn’t shake thinking about Michelle though. Did I have any regrets about ever putting a move on her? Even though I’ll admit I’ve always found her gorgeous and super intelligent, I had no regrets. I don’t think I’ve ever been mature enough to handle a relationship with her. But what if I tried to court her now? I kept thinking about how she was wearing the bracelet I gave her on her 21
st
birthday last month when we went to the MFA. I just kept thinking about that moment over and over.

I wasn’t fully able to focus on the ping pong match, Brandon destroyed me. I took the opportunity to make my rounds to everyone I hadn’t talked to yet and hear what they had to say.

That’s how the whole weekend was. It was beautiful to finally look into the lives of other people in a non-professional setting. We spent the weekend on the beach and in the house relaxing without a care in the world.

I forgot to mention, Key West is wild on New Year’s. The main streets are extremely crowded with a bunch of people raging like there is no tomorrow. Surprisingly enough, I took the rest of the weekend moderately easy on my body. I couldn’t stop thinking about Michelle.

As the clock winded down to the New Year, I realized that I hadn’t thought of any resolutions. I thought quickly and said, “I’m going to stop wallowing in self-pity and start actively making steps to feel happy again.” As the clock hit midnight I saw most of my friends get paired up sharing the moment with each other. Paul looked at his wife and gave her a cute kiss. Crista was with her group of girlfriends taking pictures they put on instagram. Brandon came up to me and said, “I’m glad you made it down here Jake. Isn’t it always fun when everyone gets back together?” I told him it was about time to get back to reality. That’s when I thought of another new year’s resolution. I would actively try to keep in touch more with my friends. This trip made me realize that I still did have interpersonal relationships with people.

I spent the night reminiscing with everyone back at the beach house realizing that this was the first time in years I had made it to a group trip. The next morning, I said bye to everyone slipping in that I would try a little harder to keep in touch. Everyone made quick remarks that they know I’m not that good at keeping up with people, but they heard about all the details from Paul.