Villainess (22 page)

Theo

Sacrifice is something someone does for love. Matt had loved Leila. It didn’t matter if he’d been compelled down that road by her ability. In the end, he’d been willing to give everything for her.
Fool.

I hadn’t actually wanted to kill Matt. I guess a sick part of me wanted to test him, or test Leila really. How far would someone be willing to go when under her influence? The answer was: all the way. The most twisted part of all of it was that Leila didn’t even know what she was doing. She was completely unaware of her second ability. Even I had fallen partly under her thrall, and I’d gone into everything with my eyes wide open. I’d done everything in my power to resist her. Matt never stood a chance. Hell, maybe I did him a favor by killing him. I had no way of knowing how long the effects of Leila lasted. A long ass time, if I was any indication.
You didn’t kill him because you were pissed that he was fucking her.
No, because if that was the case then dear ole’ Doctor Yoshihara would be next on my list.

The part that chilled me to the bone though, was the fact that Leila could actually do that. Make someone die for her. Imagine if she actually knew what she was doing.
I’d probably actually be dead instead of her just thinking I am.

Jonah

Leila was on my office couch again, out cold. Kristoph seemed unable to get past certain blocks that had been set up in her head. Without fail, Leila would get sick and then slip into unconsciousness.

“There has to be something more you can do.” I slicked Leila’s sweaty hair out of her face.

“I’m sorry, Jonah. I’m doing all I can under the circumstances. I never promised miracles.”

I fisted a piece of Leila’s hair, watching the golden strands glint as I twisted my hand in the light. “I know. Don’t think I don’t appreciate everything that you’re trying to do but… It’s just not enough.”

“You love her, don’t you?”

Despite all reason and rhyme, I did. “God help me but I do,” I whispered.

“Does she feel the same way?” Kristoph lowered himself into my leather chair, a huge puff of breath leaving his lungs.

“I don’t know. I haven’t even told her how I feel.” I stood, pacing to the window. “It happened so fast. Unnaturally so.”

“Unnaturally?” Kristoph laughed. “That’s the doctor in you talking. If it happened then it’s natural. It’s not like she cast a spell on you.”

I turned to stare at Leila, her face so peaceful when she wasn’t awake. Her dark blond eyelashes fanned across her pale cheeks. Her porcelain skin was flushed from exertion.  No makeup, no fanfare, and she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. My chest ached for her. “Sometimes it feels like she did, cast a spell that is. I’ve never felt this way about someone. Ever.”

“You have to understand. You might not be able to help her. Whoever tampered with her mind did it in a manner to keep their secrets protected.”

My gaze moved to the Rorschach paintings on my wall, the ones Leila insisted were butterflies. I traced the glass covering them, much the way she had the other day, or was that today?
Who can remember anymore?
  She was a butterfly, but much like my wall art, she was living behind glass. I needed to get her out, to free her so she could take to the sky like she was meant to. “I won’t let them end her life.”

“There’s only so much you can do, Jonah.” Kristoph’s voice was filled with remorse, but it was the kind of regret that came from being any kind of doctor that couldn’t help a patient. Mine would be different, more acute. I would mourn the loss of Leila the way a man who loves a woman does. A piece of me would die right along with her.
I just can’t let it happen.

I smashed my closed fist against one of the paintings, the glass cracking under the blow. Tiny shards embedded themselves in the side of my hand, blood leaking out of the superficial wounds. I watched with a certain kind of detachment as I plucked them out, one by one. Kristoph remained silent, waiting for me to speak again. Finally I did. “I don’t accept that I can’t save her. It feels like… Fuck. I don’t know. It feels like my whole purpose—the whole reason why I’m even here is for her.”

“That’s love. And I’m sorry you fell for someone like her. Love isn’t always what it should be. Sometimes it’s pain. More pain than you think you can bear.” From the tone of his voice, I could tell he was talking from experience. He’d loved and lost, maybe more than once.

“We’ll try again tomorrow.”

“How much time do we have left?”

I lifted my gaze to meet his. “Not enough. Not nearly enough.” I took off my tie and wrapped it around my hand, clearing my throat. “Leila said Matt was dead.”

Alarm flickered quickly across Kristoph’s face. “She saw it in one of her visions?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re saying
is
dead as opposed to
will be
dead.”

“Yes.”

“Well, son, I think we have even less time than you counted on.” He flicked his gaze to Leila, his expression resolute. “We can wait for her to wake up, and try again immediately. I hadn’t wanted to push her like that yet, but under the circumstances…”

“You mean with cold-blooded killers and the court system all breathing down our necks?” Kristoph nodded. “I just take it as more of a challenge.” I sighed heavily. “Look, I don’t expect you to put your life on the line for her—for us. Maybe if you teach me—“

He waved me off. “Nonsense. I knew the risks from the beginning. And although I won’t put myself on the line like you, well… My life had gotten a little bit boring lately. Retirement just doesn’t suit me.”

I smiled. “All right. So tell me what happens next then.”

Leila

My father stood, flipping the kitchen table against the wall. I didn’t hear what he was bellowing about, he was always pissed at something. I was too busy worrying about my retainer. I’d just gotten my braces off and I sure as hell wasn’t going to go back to having crooked teeth after the torture I’d endured for two years. I scrambled around on the floor, searching, praying that my retainer hadn’t been crushed. I knew we didn’t have the money to replace it if it had been.

I turned to glare at my father. “I hate you!” I screeched. “I fucking hate you!”
Why does he always have to ruin everything?
My mom always told me to keep my mouth shut, to just do what he wants, but I didn’t have it in me like her. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I wouldn’t acquiesce to him.
Why does he get to decide what everyone else does and doesn’t do?

“Don’t you talk to me that way!”

“I’ll talk to you any way I want!” Tears were streaming down my face as I still tried to find my retainer.

“Get out! I want you out of this house now!” my father bellowed, his face beat red.

Finally my mom reacted, much to her detriment. “No. She’s not going anywhere. Please, she didn’t mean it.” She turned to me. “Tell your father you didn’t mean it.”

“You always take her side!” My father reached back, and in slow motion I watched as his palm made contact with her face. I gasped and my mother stared at him in shock. He’d only hit her once before, and of course I’d witnessed that too.

I was on my feet, fury moving me towards my dad, but he ran out of the room before I could get to him. Which was good because what was I going to do, really? I was fourteen years old.

“Let him go. Let him cool down.”

“He hit you. Why don’t you ever stand up to him?” I demanded.

“He’s sick. Your father’s sick. We just have to—”

“I don’t
have to
anything.” Sobs shook my body.
Why can’t he just be normal?
“I hate him.”

My mom stroked my hair. “It’ll be fine, just give him some time to cool off.”

“My retainer…” I scanned the floor again.

“I’ll find it. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine.”

I swiped at my face. “Okay.” I knew it was pointless to argue with her. She’d never change. I’d seen it. Nothing I’d ever do would make a difference. I’d never save her. I scuffled into the living room and flopped on the couch, trying to calm myself down.

A loud thump came from just above my head.
My room! What’s he doing in my room?
Panic and anger swept through me as I sprinted for the stairs. Of all the things I thought he could do, what I saw wasn’t even a possibility.

My dad’s brown leather belt was wrapped around his neck and he dangled from the chin up bar that was attached to the doorframe right outside my room. My desk chair lay beneath his feet. He was choking, his tongue protruding from his mouth, and his eyes rolled back in his head.

Two visions almost simultaneously ripped through my skull. Some level of me processed what I saw, even though I couldn’t quite make sense of anything consciously. Whatever I saw, whatever I understood on a gut deep level made me rush forward and lift my dad up. “Mom!” I screamed. “Mom!” I was only so strong, and my minimal effort was barely enough. He was still choking. I grunted with exertion. “Mom!”

“Oh my God!” I heard my mom exclaim.

The rest was a blur. The two of us somehow managed to get my dad down, and after a few moments, he sputtered, air filling his lungs as his eyes fluttered open. My mom wrapped her arms around him and sobbed.

I stumbled to my feet, staring down at them.
I’ll never be able to save them. But, I just saved myself.

I blinked open my eyes slowly, fully aware that I was on Jonah’s office couch. A new kind of clarity dwelled in me. I didn’t have all the answers…yet, but I’d just received a huge piece of the puzzle.

I’d been so angry, so bitter, mostly because I hadn’t been able to save my mom from both herself and my dad, which in some ways were one in the same. Now I realized that I could have saved her, but I chose not to. I’d picked my own future over hers. If I would have let my father die that day, then my mom would have eventually flourished, but my life would have turned out completely different.
I’d be dead
. I’d chosen my life over my own mother’s.

That’s where all the guilt came from. I’d never forgiven myself. That guilt was what Theo and company had primarily used to twist my psyche. I hadn’t saved my mom, so I could make up for it by saving other people…but their way.

Both Jonah and Kristoph were hovering over me, silent and waiting to see how I would react. “It’s okay. I don’t feel sick. I don’t think you hit any buttons in that session.”

Jonah knelt beside me, taking my hand within his. “You okay? What you just remembered was still…tough.”

I squeezed his hand, nodding. “Yeah, and I think I figured out what can unlock my mind. What can unlock everything.”

“What is it?” Kristoph asked, warily, almost as if...
No. Why wouldn’t he be happy to find that information?

“I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the guilt I have about my parents.”

Jonah’s lips tipped up. “Now
that
I can help you do.”

“No, I don’t think you understand. That day…” I swallowed around the lump in my throat, gathering my thoughts. “That day I saw what would happen if I let my father die and what would happen if I didn’t. Long story short, I chose myself over my mom. I feel guilt for that but also for secretly wishing that he could have died.” I choked back a sob. “I mean, he was my dad, and I loved him, but—but I also hated him on so many levels. I feel guilt for that hate, and I feel guilt for being so selfish. I let him live to keep torturing my mom—for me. I mean, didn’t my mom deserve another chance to be happy? I stole that from her.”
I’ve never been good. I’ve always been a vile selfish person—a villainess.

Jonah wrapped himself around me, and I pressed my face into his shirt, sobbing against his muscular chest. “It’s not your fault, Leila. Any normal person would have reacted that way. It was a choice no one should ever have to make.”

I dug my fingers into his shoulders, wanting to get closer, impossibly close in fact. I needed Jonah to surround me so I had no choice to think about anything else but him. I wanted to forget everything, to be nothing but a woman in love with a man…
Wait. Love? That can’t be right.