Violated (12 page)

At least tonight Tim wouldn’t be there to bitch if he got up at three in the morning. He was still waking up terrified in the dark, and when he went out to sit in the living room or the kitchen, Tim either woke up right then or when he returned to bed. Or both. He kept demanding to know what was wrong, and Derek had nothing to tell him. Last night he’d tried taking a sleeping pill, and that had helped. He’d still woken up in the wee hours, but he’d been so groggy he’d fallen asleep again.

Progress. Sort of.

He let himself and Gracie out into the back porch and then onto the deck, taking the pack of cigarillos with him. He lit one while the dog trotted down the steps to the pier, and then he followed her. It was a short pier, perhaps about thirty feet out onto the water, and only about five feet wide. But it was
his
pier, goddamn it. He’d have to pick up a canoe sometime soon. He could see himself paddling around in the calm waters of the lake, maybe with Gracie in the canoe with him, wrapped in an orange doggie life vest. She wasn’t much of a swimmer, as dogs went. Usually, whenever they went to the beach, she just splashed around in the shallow water. Come to think of it, she might not actually like being in the canoe, so maybe she’d stay out here on the pier to wait for him.

Tim, of course, would stay inside the cabin, if he even bothered to come at all.

Oh, Tim. I do love you. But you can be such a bitch
.

Gracie’s sneeze brought him back to the present. He laughed and blew out a cloud of cigarillo smoke. “Sorry, girl. I’ll try to stay downwind.”

I
AN
CAME
over for supper, which was something of an event. Russ had the day off—his schedule had him working four days on, two days off, four days on, and so on—so it was one of the rare evenings they could spend together. Russ fretted about what to make him but finally decided he couldn’t cook for shit, no matter how much he freaked out, so he might as well just make pasta. Toss a box of spaghetti in boiling water, time it for seven minutes, strain. Easy. Oh yeah. Pour a bottle of sauce into a bowl and microwave.

He almost forgot the plastic wrap over the bowl, which would have been a mess to clean up, but otherwise there were no major disasters. Ian was a pleasant guest and didn’t seem to have a problem with Max, which was another plus. Okay, he clearly didn’t
love
dogs, but he wasn’t terrified, the way a lot of people acted around big dogs. And he didn’t mind Max sniffing at him. He offered an occasional pat on the head.

So dinner went well. It didn’t hurt that Ian kept giving him lecherous looks and licking his fork as if he were giving it fellatio. Russ found it difficult to keep the conversation going, when all he wanted to do was rip Ian’s clothes off and fuck—or more likely
be
fucked. Ian still showed no signs of reciprocating in that area.

The sex was intense and passionate, as always. Afterward, as Ian moved to get out of the bed, no doubt to make his usual rapid escape, Russ held him back by clutching his arm. “Wait. I need to ask you something.”

Ian didn’t look happy, but he settled back onto the mattress. “This isn’t going to be about love and commitment, is it?” he asked with an expression of distaste coming across his pretty face.

“No. I’m fine with just being fuck buddies.” It was only a half-truth, but it would do. He tugged at his uniform jacket, feeling ridiculous with the lower half of his body stark naked and his asshole still smarting from Ian’s jackhammering. “But… would you still be fucking me if I wasn’t a cop?”

Ian laughed and leaned forward to give him a peck on the forehead. “Sweetie… you’re gorgeous. I noticed that when I saw you at the group last year. So yeah, I’d still be fucking you. The cop thing is just an added turn-on.”

“Then we can do this without the uniform next time?”

“Sure, if that will make you happy.”

“Thanks.” Then when Ian tried to pull away again, he said, “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but… I think you have the right to know.”

“What?”

“One of my coworkers looked up that call you made when your ex flipped out.”

“That’s cool,” Ian said. “I kinda figured you would, after I told you about it.”

Russ caressed Ian’s arm. “I didn’t. But she did. And unfortunately she found some priors for you and Jay.”

“Anything I should be worried about?” He seemed amused more than annoyed, which Russ was grateful for.

“No, not really. Please believe me—I would never have done it myself. You have a right to your privacy. But… well, now I know things about you that you might wish I didn’t….”

Ian finally seemed to give in to this being a real conversation, and he lay back down. He propped his head up on one hand and stroked Russ’s abdomen with the other. “I don’t have anything to hide. Yes, Jay and I fought a
lot
. We never hit each other—I want to be clear on that—but, yeah… we sometimes ran outside when we were too busy yelling to notice how we were dressed.” He chuckled and cocked his head adorably. “But he was fucking awesome in bed. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of someone who’s wrong for you ’cause other parts of the relationship are too good. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Russ replied. Gazing into Ian’s beautiful, cherubic face, he thought it made perfect sense.

D
EREK
WOKE
in the darkness, his heart racing, a cry of terror lodged in his throat. He thrashed his arms and legs, but he was alone in the bed. The room was strange. He had no idea where he was. Or where Tim was. The sheets were cold and saturated with his sweat. He choked back a sob.

Then Gracie appeared at the edge of the mattress, nuzzling him worriedly and whimpering, and he instinctively clutched at her fur. Her presence soothed him and helped bring him back to himself. As the dog licked his arm, Derek stroked her neck and head and remembered. He was in the cabin. Tim hadn’t come with him. It was just him and Gracie.

I’m safe
.

Still, he couldn’t deal with lying in the damp bed in the dark. He sat up and turned on the bed lamp. It was actually very warm in the room, since it was mid-July and the cabin didn’t yet have an air conditioner. It was just his body that felt cold. And sitting on sheets that were pretty close to soaking wet wasn’t helping.

He sat there until his breathing calmed, petting Gracie. Then at last he stood and said, “Come on, girl. Let’s go have a smoke.”

It was fast becoming a routine for them—these late-night forays out of the bedroom in search of light and comfort. Gracie didn’t seem to mind. She tagged along and watched over him like a mother guarding her pup. Maybe she did think of Derek that way. He’d always felt he was the one taking care of her, but maybe from her point of view, it was the opposite. He found that thought comforting.

Without Tim to nag him, he turned on all the lights he passed. It would have been nice to build a fire, but it was far too hot a night for that. Instead he grabbed the pack of cigarillos he’d left on the counter and his lighter and headed out onto the back deck. He was naked, but the only cabin close by was Russ’s, and he’d be unlikely be up at…. Derek glanced at the clock—4:00 a.m.

Jesus
.

Outside, he stretched out in one of the deck chairs. It wasn’t too bad for mosquitoes at this time of year, thank God. While Gracie found a comfortable spot at his side, he lit the cigarillo and inhaled the strong clove-flavored smoke. He knew it was terrible for his lungs, but damned if it didn’t soothe him. He exhaled, watching the smoke climb up into the clear night sky, forcing himself to think about what he might do around the cabin in the morning. He knew it would be impossible to sleep before sunrise. The prickling fear would return the moment he turned off the lights.

Or maybe he could manage it if he left the lights on. He never had that option when he was at the condo, but out here by himself, it might work. Of course, he’d have to change the goddamn sheets first.

R
USS
WASN
’
T
sure what woke him. Max was still sound asleep on his side of the bed, snoring. Had there been a noise? Russ listened intently for a couple of minutes, but he didn’t hear anything. Still, he got out of bed and crept around the cabin until he was certain nobody could have broken in. Then he went out on his back porch and deck. Nothing.

Then he noticed the light on up the hill at Derek and Tim’s cabin. Actually, it looked like
all
the lights were on, including the light on the back deck. The place was lit up like a Christmas tree. A puff of smoke on the upper deck indicated someone was out there smoking. Russ took a sudden step back into the shadows as he realized he didn’t have a stitch on. But chances were good nobody up there could see him in the moonlight—not with all the lights surrounding them.

Now that he was wide-awake, he was curious. What were they doing up at this hour? He knew it was none of his business, but still….

He slipped back inside and found the sweatpants he’d carelessly tossed over the back of the sofa. By now Max had awoken and wandered sleepily out of the bedroom, so he said, “Come on, bud. Let’s go for a walk.”

They stopped to pee at the bottom of the path, then headed on up. He figured it wouldn’t be too outrageous for him to be walking Max at 4:00 a.m.—though he realized there was probably no way to disguise the fact that he was snooping. But unless Derek was hacking up a body on the back deck, he probably wouldn’t be too annoyed to see Russ stroll up.

Unless he’s smoking a joint
.

There was no reason to think he would be, of course. It just popped into Russ’s head as something a person might be doing in private. Marijuana was still illegal in New Hampshire, though many people were forgetting that. Russ couldn’t go near the stuff, and he had to stay away from any parties where he suspected people might be smoking it. He didn’t have strong feelings either way about legalization, but he couldn’t look the other way if someone was smoking it right in front of him. It would be a major pain in the ass if Derek turned out to be a user—for both of them.

Fortunately, the only thing he smelled as he approached the cabin was clove. He actually liked the smell of clove cigarettes—or cigarillos, since the cigarettes were banned. He didn’t smoke himself, but if he were going to be around somebody smoking, he’d prefer a pipe or “clovies.”

It was a good thing he hadn’t planned to sneak up to the deck, because Max went rushing ahead as soon as he saw Gracie lying beside the deck chair. Russ came around the corner of the cabin in time to see Derek’s arm flinch and pull in from where it had been resting on the arm of the chair. Derek glanced up at him with a guilty expression on his face, and Russ could tell by the way he’d crossed his arms over his crotch, as well as the bare skin showing through the sides of the deck chair, that he was naked.

Fuck
. Something else normally done in private—masturbation.

“Sorry,” Russ said hurriedly. “I saw the light on, so… I shouldn’t have disturbed you.”

Derek didn’t look good. He was pale and his hair was clinging to his forehead with perspiration. Of course, if he was trying to hide an erection right now, he’d probably been working up a sweat a minute ago.

“Come on, Max. Let’s give him some privacy.”

“Dude!” Derek said sharply. “I wasn’t… doing what you think.”

“Oh.” Russ hesitated. Did Derek want him to leave or not?

“I was just trying to relax a minute with a cigarette. You just… caught me by surprise.” He seemed to will himself to relax, though his left hand remained in front of his crotch. “You want a beer or something?”

Russ swallowed hard, forcing himself to look anywhere but at that fascinating patch of pubic hair poking out from behind Derek’s hand. “Sure, if you’re gonna be out here for a while longer.”

Is he going to stay like that?
he wondered.

Sadly, the answer was no. Russ averted his eyes as Derek stood and went into the cabin. A moment later he returned with a couple of open beers… and a pair of gray sweats covering up the naughty bits.

Russ accepted one of the ice-cold bottles and pulled up another deck chair. Max had finished sniffing at Gracie, somewhat inappropriately, and settled down beside her. But when Derek sat back down, Russ couldn’t help but notice he still looked shaken, as if he’d had a fright.

“Are you okay, man?”

Derek took a long time to answer him, taking a drink of beer before replying, “I’m all right.”

“You’ve got, like, every light in the house on. Did you hear a noise? Or have a nightmare?”

Again, Derek was slow to respond. “I really don’t feel like talking about it.”

“Sure,” Russ said, holding up a hand in surrender. “No problem.” The strength of his desire to comfort Derek surprised him, but there wasn’t much he could do if the guy didn’t want comforting. He wasn’t a child. But that brought up another question. Where was the man who should be looking out for him? “I take it Tim isn’t here.”

“Nah. We had another fight, so he stayed in Portsmouth.” Derek took another swig of beer and then cocked his head in Russ’s direction. “I know what you’re thinking.”

“Really? What?”

“You’re wondering why the fuck Tim and I are still together if we fight so goddamn much.”

Yes
.

Russ shrugged. “Everybody does relationships differently,” he said, thinking back on what Ian had told him about him and Jay. “It’s not my place to question yours. I’ve got my own shit to worry about.”

“Would you believe I love the bastard?”

That produced an unwelcome twinge of disappointment that Russ squashed immediately.
He’s not available. That’s all that’s important, as far as you’re concerned.
“Sure.”

“I don’t know what the fuck’s goin’ on with us these days,” Derek continued. “His jealousy’s gone out of control. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have your boyfriend watching you like a hawk all the time, just
waiting
for you to slip up? I swear there are times when I just wanna… give him a reason. Just so I won’t have it hanging over my head anymore.” He sighed and made a sour face. “But I’m not that kind of guy. I don’t cheat.”