Volpone and Other Plays (70 page)

290     
say

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:
What's here? What's here? Kiss, kiss upon kiss
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Ay, wherefore should they not? What harm is in this?

'Tis Mistress Hero
.

PUPPET DAMON
:
Mistress Hero's a whore
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
Is she a whore? Keep you quiet, or Sir knave out of door
.

PUPPET HERO
:                                                                      
I say knave out of door
.

PUPPET DAMON
:
I say whore out of door
.

PUPPET PYTHIAS
:                                                                   
Yea, so say I too
.

PUPPET HERO
:
Kiss the whore o' the arse
.

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                         
Now you ha' something to do
:

300     
You must kiss her o' the arse, she says
.

PUPPETS DAMON
and
PYTHIAS
:                  
So we will, so we will

[They kick her.]

PUPPET HERO
: O
my haunches, o my haunches, hold, hold!

LEATHERHEAD
:                                                                   
Stand'st thou still?

Leander, where art thou? Stand'st thou still like a sot
,

And not offer'st to break both their heads with a pot?

See who's at thine elbow there! Puppet Jonas and Cupid
.

PUPPET JONAS
:
Upon' em, Leander, be not so stupid
.

They fight.

PUPPET LEANDER
:
You goat-bearded slave!

PUPPET DAMON
:                                            
You whoremaster knave!

PUPPET LEANDER
:
Thou art a whoremaster
.

PUPPET JONAS
:                                                 
Whoremasters all
.

LEATHERHEAD
:
See, Cupid with a word has ta' en up the brawl
.

KNOCEEM
: These be fine vapours!

310  
COKES
: By this good day they fight bravely, do they not, Numps?

WASP
: Yes, they lacked but you to be their second, all this while.

LEATHERHEAD
:
This tragical encounter, falling out thus to busy us
,

It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius
,

Not like a monarch, but the master of a school
,

In a scrivener's furred gown, which shows he is no fool
.

For therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm
.

‘O Damon, ' he cries, ‘and Pythias, what harm

Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave
,

That after his death you should fall out thus, and rave
,

320        
And call amorous Leander whoremaster knave?'

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
:
I cannot, I will not, I promise you, endure it
.

V, V           [
Enter
BUSY
.]

BUSY
: Down with Dagon, down with Dagon! 'Tis I will no longer endure your profanations.

LEATHERHEAD
: What mean you, sir?

BUSY
: I will remove Dagon there, I say, that idol, mat heathenish idol, that remains, as I may say, a beam, a very beam, not a beam of the sun, nor a beam of the moon, nor a beam of a
balance, neither a house-beam nor a weaver's beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the Brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your stage-players, rhymers,

10             and morris-dancers, who have walked hand in hand in contempt of the Brethren and the Cause, and been borne out by
instruments
of no mean
countenance
.

LEATHERHEAD
: Sir, I present nothing but what is licensed by authority.

BUSY
: Thou art all license, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!

LEATHERHEAD
: I have the Master of the Revels' hand for it, sir.

BUSY
: The master of rebels' hand thou hast ̵ Satan's! Hold thy peace; thy scurrility shut up thy mouth. Thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it thou dost plead for Baal. I have

20             long opened my mouth wide and gaped, I have gaped as the oyster for the tide, after thy destruction; but cannot compass it by suit or dispute; so that I look for a bickering ere long, and then a battle.

KNOCKEM
: Good Banbury-vapours.

COKES
: Friend, you' d have an ill match on't if you bicker with him here; though he be no man o' the fist, he has friends that will go to cuffs for him. Numps, will not you take our side?

EDGWORTH
: Sir, it shall not need; in my mind, he offers him a fairer course, to end it by
disputation
! Hast thou nothing to say

30             for thyself, in defence of thy quality?

LEATHERHEAD
: Faith, sir, I am not well studied in these controversies between the hypocrites and us. But here's one of my motion, Puppet Dionysius, shall undertake him, and I' ll venture the cause on't.

COKES
: Who? My hobby-horse? Will he dispute with him?

LEATHERHEAD
: Yes, sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.

COKES
: That's excellent! Indeed he looks like the best scholar of ‘em all. Come, sir, you must be as good as your word, now.

BUSY
: I will not fear to make my spirit and gifts known! Assist

40             me, zeal; fill me, fill me, that is, make me full!

WINWIFE
: What a desperate, profane wretch is this! Is there any
ignorance or impudence like his? To call his zeal to fill him against a puppet?

GRACE
: I know no fitter match than a puppet to
commit with
an hypocrite!

BUSY
: First, I say unto thee, idol, thou hast no
calling
.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: You lie; I am called Dionysius.

LEATHERHEAD
: The motion says you lie, he is called Dionysius i' the matter, and to that calling he answers.

50  
BUSY
: I mean no vocation, idol, no present lawful calling.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Is yours a lawful calling?

LEATHERHEAD
: The motion asketh if yours be a lawful calling.

BUSY
: Yes, mine is of the spirit.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Then idol is a lawful calling.

LEATHERHEAD
: He says, then idol is a lawful calling! For you called him idol, and your calling is of the spirit.

COKES
: Well disputed, hobby-horse!

BUSY
: Take not part with the wicked, young gallant. He neigheth and
hinnyeth
; all is but hinnying sophistry. I call him idol again.

60          Yet, I say, his calling, his profession is profane, it is profane, idol.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: It is not profane!

LEATHERHEAD
: It is not profane, he says.

BUSY
: It is profane.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: It is not profane.

BUSY
: It is profane.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: It is not profane.

LEATHERHEAD
: Well said, confute him with ‘not', still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, sir.

BUSY
: Nor he me with his treble
creaking
, though he creak like

70          the chariot wheels of Satan. I am zealous for the Cause –

LEATHERHEAD
: As a dog for a bone.

BUSY
: And I say it is profane, as being the page of pride and the waiting-woman of vanity.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Yea? What say you to your
tire-women
then?

LEATHERHEAD
: Good.

PUFPET DIONYSIUS
: Or
feather-makers
i' the Friars, that are o' your faction of faith? Are not they with their
perukes
and their
puffs
, their fans and their
huffs
, as much pages of pride and

80          waiters upon vanity? What say you? What say you? What say you?

BUSY
: I will not answer for them.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a
bugle-maker
a lawful calling? or the
confect-maker
's? such you have there; or your French
fashioner
? You'd have all the sin within yourselves, would you not? would you not?

BUSY
: No, Dagon.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: What then, Dagonet? Is a puppet worse than these?

90  
BUSY
: Yes, and my
main argument
against you is that you are an abomination; for the male among you putteth on the apparel of the female, and the female of the male.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: You lie, you lie, you lie abominably.

COKES
: Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: It is your old stale argument against the players, but it will not hold against the puppets; for we have neither male nor female amongst us. And that thou may'st see, if thou wilt, like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art!

THE PUPPET
takes up his garment
.

100  
EDGWORTH
: By my faith, there he has answered you, friend, by

plain demonstration.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Nay, I' ll prove, against e' er a rabbin of' em all, that my
standing
is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he.

BUSY
: I am confuted; the Cause hath failed me.

PUPPET DIONYSIUS
: Then be converted, be converted.

LEATHERHEAD
: Be converted, I pray you, and let the play go on!

110 
BUSY
: Let it go on. For I am changed, and will become a beholder with you!

COKES
: That's brave i' faith. Thou hast
carried it away
, hobbyhorse; on with the play!

THE JUSTICE
discovers himself
.

OVERDO
: Stay, now do I forbid, I, Adam Overdo! Sit still, I charge you.

COKES
: What, my brother-i' -law!

GRACE
: My wise guardian!

EDGWORTH
: Justice Overdo!

OVERDO
: It is time to take enormity by the forehead, and brand it; for I have discovered enough.

v, vi     [Enter]
to them
QUARLOUS
(
like the madman
) [
and
DAME
]
PURECRAFT
(
a while after
).

[
QUARLOUS
:] Nay, come, mistress bride. You must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me in truth. I have here Justice Overdo for it.

OVERDO
[
to
QUARLOUS
]: Peace, good Trouble-all; come hither, and you shall trouble none. I will take the charge of you and your friend, too.

TO THE CUTPURSE
and
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.

You also, young man, shall be my care; stand there.

EDGWORTH
: Now, mercy upon me.

OVERDO
: Stay, is not my name your terror?

WHIT
: Yesh, faith, man, and it ish for tat we would be gone, man.

[
Enter
LITTLEWIT
.]

LITTLEWIT
: O gentlemen, did you not see a wife of mine? I ha' lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted, my little pretty Win. I left her at the great woman's house in trust yonder, the pig-woman's, with Captain Jordan and Captain whit, very good
men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she's
stepped
aside. Mother, did you not see Win?