Waiting for Morning (42 page)

When they returned, Matt saw that Carol was gone. He wondered if the two women would ever speak again.

They took their seats and waited.

Less than a minute later, Judge Horowitz returned and shuffled through a slight stack of papers. “I have reached a decision—” he looked up and met Brian Wesley’s gaze—“young man, you have made some very poor choices in your life, and they resulted in a first-degree murder conviction. It is up to me to decide whether you should serve twenty-five years or longer for your crimes.

“I considered the letters for and against you, listened to arguments in which people asked for the minimum sentence and the maximum. Before I read the sentence, I want you to know that I based my decision primarily on your history of drinking and driving. I believe you cannot be trusted with standard alcohol treatment programs or promises to stay away from the wheel of a car. I believe you are a dangerous and very real risk to this community. Because of that, I hereby sentence you to serve fifty years in the state penitentiary.”

There was a rustling throughout the courtroom as the news sank in. Judge Horowitz had made legal history; he’d sentenced Brian Wesley to the longest prison term ever handed down for deaths by driving under the influence.

Matt glanced at Hannah and saw she and Jenny hugging. He could tell by the way Hannah’s shoulders shook that she was crying. It was everything she had hoped for. A murder-one
verdict and a record-breaking prison sentence. And yet …

Hannah looked more heartbroken than ever.
Please, God, help her …

“Order …” The judge frowned at the crowd. “Order! Immediately!” He returned his gaze to Brian. “With time off for good behavior, it is possible you will be up for parole in fifteen years, but not sooner. That is all. Court dismissed.”

Hannah knew the reporters were waiting. This was her big moment, the chance to tell the world thank you. She had won in every possible way except the one that really mattered.

Tom and Alicia were still gone.

And now there was something new that grieved her nearly as much as the loss of her family. If Brian Wesley was telling the truth, if Carol had indeed betrayed her and led him to the Lord, then no prison could contain him now. If he was a Christian, then he was saved by the blood of Christ, heaven-bound and free indeed. He might live a season behind bars, but he would spend eternity in a mansion. Worst of all, one day when Hannah was reunited with Tom and Alicia … Brian Wesley, the man she’d come to hate with a driving passion, would be there, too.

It was the greatest injustice of all, and more than she could stomach. Carol’s betrayal felt like a javelin piercing her midsection. Jenny had to be feeling the same, but she hadn’t spoken a word. Maybe she didn’t understand the implications of what Brian had said.

The courtroom buzzed with activity, and Jenny leaned against Hannah. “You did good, Mom. He won’t hurt anyone else.”

Hannah squeezed her daughter’s hand and dabbed at her tears. She kept her eyes forward and watched while the bailiff came for Brian and led him away. This was it. The moment of peace.

But it didn’t come.

Instead Hannah felt strangled and angry and tired and betrayed.

Brian wasn’t in prison. She was.

She led Jenny into the hallway and answered a handful of questions from the media. Then she caught a glimpse of Carol leaving the courtroom. She must have sneaked back in before the sentencing, and now she was trying to get away without speaking to Hannah.

She thanked the reporters and turned to Jenny. “Honey, I need to talk to someone. Why don’t you go wait over there with Mr. Bronzan.” She pointed to where Matt stood in the doorway of the courtroom, talking with several spectators.

Jenny nodded and moved toward Matt. Ever since learning how he had saved her life, Jenny had opened herself to him. Now, just two weeks later, the two were fast friends.

Once Jenny was safely in a conversation with Matt, Hannah raced down the hallway. Carol was about to board an elevator. “Wait!”

Hannah expected Carol to be embarrassed, ashamed of what she’d done. Instead when Carol turned, her expression held no apologies. She waited while Hannah quickly closed the distance between them.

They stood face to face, and Hannah felt her eyes fill with tears. “Is it true?”

Carol did not blink. She nodded solemnly. “I had to, Hannah.”

Hannah had fought so long and so hard she had little energy left for this battle, but somehow she summoned anger from the shards of her broken heart. She did not scream or rant, but there was venom in her voice. “You were
supposed
to be my friend.”

“This isn’t the time …” Carol started to turn back toward the elevator.

“Wait a minute! Don’t tell me this isn’t the time. You’re the one who broke my trust.”

Carol sighed. “I don’t expect you to understand, Hannah. Not now, anyway.”

Hannah’s hands flew to her hips. “I’ll
never
understand. I poured my heart out to you. I thought you were on my side.”

Carol stared at Hannah, clearly puzzled. “Are you so far gone, Hannah, that you don’t remember the very basic truths of the faith?”

She stared at Carol. What on earth was she talking about? “Don’t give me a sermon—” she waved her hand toward the window—“there are a million people out there looking for a savior, Carol. And you had to give the good news to Brian Wesley?
Brian Wesley?”

“I gave it to the person God asked me to give it to.” Carol hesitated. “After my husband died, I gave a Bible to the man who killed him. It was the only way I could finally let go and forgive. I’ve been giving Bibles to drunk drivers ever since.”

Hannah was stunned. “From your office at MADD?”

“No. From my office at Church on the Way. I head up the prison ministry there.”

Carol might as well have punched her in the stomach. “Well, maybe you should have told me sooner so I could be prepared. Hearing Brian Wesley give you credit for his
conversion—”
Hannah spat the word—“was like getting news that Tom and Alicia had been killed all over again.”

Carol sighed. “I’m sorry you feel that way. All I can tell you is my concern for you was, and is, genuine. Usually I don’t get involved with victims, but Sgt. Miller thought … oh, never mind. I never meant to do anything that would hurt you.”

Hannah was speechless. “How did you think I’d react? Surely you didn’t expect me to fall facedown in the courtroom and praise God over one sinner repenting of his way. That man killed Tom and Alicia. He is a worthless human being.”

Carol’s reply was so soft Hannah barely heard it. “Not to Jesus.”

She clenched her teeth. “I have nothing else to say to you.
You … You betrayed me. You’re on his side, not mine.” She leveled bitter eyes at Carol. “I hope heaven is a big place because I want to live eternity without ever seeing you or Brian Wesley.”

Hannah didn’t wait for a reply as she left Carol standing there. She found Jenny and bid Matt good-bye.

Matt looked concerned. “You okay? Want me to come with you?” Hannah smiled through her tears. At least he was genuine. He was the only friend she had, he and Jenny.

“That’s all right.” The reporters were gone, and she leaned toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his chest. They had been through so much over the past year, she almost felt like she’d known him a decade or more. “Thank you, Matt. I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done.”

He pulled away and searched her eyes. “Would it be okay if I took you and Jenny out for dinner? It’d be a shame to stop spending time together now. Besides … I want to talk to you about Carol.”

Hannah laughed bitterly. “After the past month I’d say we better make it dinner once a week.” She thought of Jenny and her voice grew serious. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Jenny moved closer and hugged Matt’s waist. “Me, too, Mr. Bronzan. After I took the pills I prayed God would save me and he did. He sent you.”

When she and her daughter left the courthouse minutes later, Hannah had a strong feeling something was missing. She checked her purse and found her car keys and her sunglasses. Then it hit her. She had expected to feel a sense of relief, to walk out of the courthouse that day a different woman. And in that light something was indeed missing. Hannah felt fresh tears as she realized what it was.

It was peace.

Thirty-five

Restore us to yourself, O L
ORD
, that we may return;
renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure
.

L
AMENTATIONS
5:21–22

The plain white envelope lay on her front doorstep, tucked neatly under the welcome mat. Jenny had already gone upstairs to change clothes when Hannah spotted it and sighed. She didn’t know if she had the energy to pick it up. The day had been long, and she felt strangely defeated. The sense of victory and accomplishment had never come, and the peace she had so desperately sought had turned out to be as elusive as justice was.

She stared at the envelope.
Advertising
.

Yet as she moved into the house, something made her stop and pick it up. She slit it open and gently removed the letter. It was simple, less than a page. Hannah began to read.

“Dear Mrs. Ryan, My name is Sgt. John Miller. I worked the accident scene the day your husband and daughter were killed. I came to your house with the news that day, and later I talked with you at the hospital. You may not remember me, but I remember you. For the past several months I’ve been thinking about the accident almost as if God wanted me to remember something.”

Hannah’s heart beat faster.
What was this? Why now?

“This morning, I remembered what it was. I was with your husband in the minutes before he died, and he wanted me to give you a message. He wanted you to know he loved you and the girls—”

Hannah closed her eyes and remembered Dr. Cleary telling
her Tom’s final words. Tears stung her eyes and she read on.

“—but there was something else. And that’s what I finally remembered this morning. At the time it didn’t make sense, and I figured he must have been hallucinating or suffering the effects of blood loss. But now I am convinced that I need to deliver his message to you in its entirety
.

“Tom told me to tell you to forgive, Mrs. Ryan. He wanted you to forgive.”

Hannah’s eyes locked on the word, hearing it as Tom had spoken it years ago when Hannah was mad at the boy who beat her at basketball … and again years later when Tom reminded her there was no victory in holding a grudge against the girl he nearly married, no gain in hating her.…

“Forgive her, Hannah … let it go.”
She heard it as clearly as if Tom was saying it to her.

Then, like a parade in her mind, Hannah recalled a dozen times Tom had told her that over the years. She closed her eyes, choking back a sob. And now … even after he’d been gone for so many months … he was telling her again.

Her eyes ran over the sentence until it was seared in her heart.
“Tom told me to tell you to forgive, Mrs. Ryan.”

Forgive. Forgive. He wanted you to forgive
.

She moved outside and sank into the porch swing along the side of the house. It was a private spot bordered by jasmine. Hannah knew Jenny wouldn’t come looking for her yet, and she was grateful. Her entire body was numb from the shock.

Tom had known.

He had laid there in the middle of the twisted wreckage of the Explorer, aware his minutes were numbered, and he had thought of her. The collision hadn’t been his fault, and he knew that someday, somehow, Hannah was going to hold his death against someone. He better than anyone knew what would happen then. And so his final words had been for her:
Forgive, Hannah. Please forgive
.

“I can’t, Tom, it’s not fair. I have a right to this …” Her voice
was a tortured whisper as trails of tears made their way down her face. “He did it on purpose.”

But Tom’s words, his final message, remained.

Forgive, Hannah … forgive
.

She wept, imagining her dying husband worrying about the condition of her heart. Did he know her that well? Did he know she would turn her back on God? That her unforgiving heart would force her to forfeit a relationship with the savior?

Hannah’s answer came from deep within.

Yes. Tom had known.

And God had placed it on Sgt. Miller’s heart until finally he remembered Tom’s words and brought them to her now.

She wept and prayed and fought the message. She did not want to forgive Brian Wesley. Indeed she would rather die than do such a vile thing. Eventually she crept back into the house and found Jenny napping on the sofa. Hannah found her Bible on the end table and carried it back outside.

Maybe there was something else in Lamentations, something she’d missed. After all, if Jeremiah had felt it was all right to be angry with his enemies, didn’t she have the same right? She had been in Scripture many times since the night in Jenny’s hospital room … but she had never finished Lamentations. She opened it now and began chapter 4 again, reaffirming her reasons for asking God to pay back Brian Wesley and curse him.

Then she read chapter 5. At first the lament sounded familiar, similar to the rest of the book. Then her eyes fell on something that caused her heart to skip a beat.

“Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning. The crown has fallen from our head. Woe to us, for we have sinned! … Restore us to yourself, O L
ORD
, that we may return; renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.”

Hannah stared at the words as the reality hit.
We have sinned … restore us … angry with us
. Jeremiah and his people had suffered great loss. They had been victims in every possible
way, yet at the end of the book of Lamentations Jeremiah was confessing sin. Repenting. Apologizing. Asking God to restore him and his people and hoping God would not be too angry with them.