Walk on Water (37 page)

“But I loved you, Luke. You knew that. You could have told me the truth. I would have understood.”

“And given me a pass? And then never looked at me the same again? I wasn’t taking that chance.”

“I had a right to know, Luke. All these years, I thought it was something I had done. Or maybe it was because I wasn’t pretty, or from the right kind of family, that I embarrassed you somehow.”

“Hindsight’s twenty-twenty. But come on, Rachel, what was I? Twenty-four, twenty-five? I was a kid myself. Okay a stupid kid. But I wasn’t the one with a counseling degree. So I screwed up. Big time. Just about all the way around, except for being with Luke Jr. I pissed in my
Post Toasties
but I was man enough to eat them. I made it right. Everybody said so. Hell, you would have said so too if you’d known. In fact, you’re thinking I did the right thing right now, aren’t you?”

Yes
.

I lowered my head to not look at him because I wasn’t ready to admit it. He had
pissed
on both our lives with his badly conceived life-lesson. I was the counselor. He was an engineer. People were not numbers behaving predictably according to a mathematical equation or a computer program. It just wasn’t that simple.

But I was glad—thankful—that Luke had chosen his child, even over me. I was kind of proud of him. If I had known Peter, maybe I would have been the better for it too. Mommy had done her best but how many times had I wished that I had had a father? Luke Jr. had both his parents. Luke Sr. had made sure of that.

“It’s okay, Rachel,” he said.

I met his eyes again. He was actually wearing his crooked smile. Must he know me so well?

“It’s one of the things I love about you,” he added. “The way you think, and what you think about me.” The wry expression remained. “You still think I walk on water, don’t you?”

Yes.
To me he always would. But I was still refusing to admit it.

“I’m glad you were there for Lucas, Luke,” I said instead. “You have a wonderful family. You and Christina together. Marrying her probably was the right thing to do. And I know you were happy. Just look at your kids. I don’t begrudge you that. But you should have also been
man enough
to tell me the truth that’s all. So since you weren’t protecting me, who were you really protecting?”

“Myself,” he answered. “I was afraid to tell you, Rachel, afraid you’d let me do something less than what you would have done. I had something to prove, remember?”

“Pride?” I asked.

“You can call it that.”

“Well that’s why I was your bridesmaid. I did it to show you. I have my pride too.”

Luke laughed a dry little chuckle.

“Well aren’t we something,” he said.

I supposed we were.
Something.
All those endless hours of conversation during which we had laid out plans to save the world, yet when we had really needed to talk to save ourselves—nothing. Silence generating secrets, sustaining self-doubts. Lethal, I thought, but life. I might have been my own client. I almost wanted to laugh too.

“We turned out okay,” I eventually said.

“You think?” asked Luke.

“Sure,” I shrugged. “There are some outliers, but our trend lines are pretty good.”

Suddenly a fresh tear was rolling down my face. What was the source of it? Sadness for
then
? Happiness for
now
?

“Any chance of those lines merging?” Luke asked, studying me.

“Does that ever really happen?” I asked back trying to keep my voice light. “I mean, they can be parallel, and so close that they look like one line, but there’s probably always gotta be a little difference, don’t you think?” I smiled. “To keep it interesting, so nobody gets bored.”

Luke smiled again. It was warmer this time.

“Good point,” he said.

“I had a good tutor.”

I moved over and sat next to him, stretching my denim-clad legs out alongside his.
Corporate
and
casual. High Society
and
Section-8.
I nearly laughed again. He liked these jeans.

“So we’re good then?” asked Luke.

“We’re certainly not bored,” I replied, and we chuckled together. I laid my head on his shoulder. “You know I’m not some kind of moral compass, right?”

“You’re not the gold standard by which we measure ourselves?” asked Luke glibly as he slipped his arm around my waist.

“Silver maybe,” I sighed. “But not telling me the truth was wrong, Luke. Really. Not your finest hour by any standard.”

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” he recited.

“Yes. You could have reached out to me. A letter, a note. A Christmas card. Something.”

Walk on Water “It was all or nothing, Rachel. I was trying to keep my family together. You might think I’m some kind of playboy, but the whole time we were married, I never cheated on Christina once.”

“Get with the times, Luke Sterling,” I gently rebuked him as I put my arm around his waist to cuddle more closely. “Nobody says
playboy
anymore.”

“Whatever,” he dismissed my correction. “I knew I’d end up begging you to do something we’d both regret. That’s one of your big
Thou-Shalt-Nots
. Maybe I really was finally trying to protect you. By the time Christina gave me a divorce,” he paused. “I had this body. It felt a little too chicken-shit to come crawling back to you, so to speak,” his voice caught again. “Today notwithstanding of course.”

“Thank God for
Juniper Breeze
,” I whispered taking his other hand into mine. “‘Course your mother’s gonna hate it. I never stopped loving you, Lucas Sterling.”

“I know,” he replied. “That first night we met for dinner I saw it in your eyes. I was the same man to you. The man I want to be.”

“The man you are.”

“A little worse for the wear,” he kissed the top of my head.

“A grown woman with a college co-ed crush. How hopeless is that? Really? Twenty years, Luke.”

Chuckling softly, he raised my hand to his lips, then he followed that by kissing me hungrily, the way I had been intending for our Friday fun-day—in the first place.

“I’m not much better,” he said afterwards. “The minute you recited Keats to me I was hooked. How goofy is that?”

“Keats will definitely lose you some cool points with your basketball friends,” I replied. “But it makes you a saint to me.”

“What? Not a god?” Luke teased.

“Okay, maybe a minor deity,” I consented.

We were quiet again. T-T returned with Agatha in tow. They set about investigating Luke’s shoes, working their way up his legs. We watched Agatha rub her head on his left knee.

“I think they’re marking you,” I explained.

“I like that,” Luke said. “I always considered myself a dog person, but I like these critters. But now do you think you could help a minor deity get into his wheelchair? I’m still a little shaky and might need a spotter.”

It was slower than I had seen him move before, and his left leg threatened to rebel again, but Luke did manage to get back into his chair on his own.

“I don’t know how you did it,” I said once Luke was settled with both his feet resting quietly on the footplate.

“Adrenaline, I guess,” he replied. “You’ll have to help me back down since the moment’s passed. I’m not scared to death of losing you anymore.”

“You were frightened about that? Really?”

“Let’s leave it for now. Why don’t you show me around your place?”

After the tour I offered to make us some lunch.

“I don’t really have much,” I said. “I haven’t gone grocery shopping, but I have an unopened carton of egg whites and some cheese. Would an omelet be okay?”

“You haven’t gone shopping yet?” asked Luke with a sly grin. “You used something to turn my house into an obstacle course. Nothing like a roast to jam-up a wheel.”

“I was having a moment, okay?” I chided him, going into the kitchen. “Don’t be mean.”

“Well Christina cleaned everything up. She said it looks like you were planning on some kind of feast. I still get to have that, don’t I?”

“We’ll see. Will I be cooking for two or three?”

I was taking things out of the fridge for the omelets.

“What do you think?” Luke asked, rolling into the kitchen.

It was a tight fit, but I loved having him here.

“I don’t know. You’re full of surprises, Lucas James.”

“And you’re just full of it, Rachel Marie,” he replied stroking my butt when I bent down to get a skillet from the cupboard.

The stroking soon turned into him pulling me backwards to sit in his lap.

“I’m trying to cook here,” I fussed with the skillet in my hand.

“From now on,” he murmured against the back of my neck. “Promise me you’ll always answer your phone.”

“Luke—”

“I’m serious, Rachel. Promise me.”

“Okay, okay. If it means that much to you.”

“It does.”

“Then I guess I should probably plug them back in.”

“What?” he asked incredulously as he pushed me off his lap. “Your phone’s not plugged in? No wonder—”

“I was having a moment, okay?” I giggled a little sheepishly.

“Where the hell is your cell? Is it charged?”

“It’s in the car.”

“The car?! For God’s sake, Rachel. Make us some lunch. I’m gonna use your bathroom.”

I waited until I heard Luke come out of the bathroom before I started the egg whites. While I was coating a pan with
Pam
he rolled back into the kitchen.

“With cheese, right?” I asked about the eggs whites.

“Cheese is good,” he replied.

I smiled at him and began to mix the egg whites and the reduced-fat cheddar cheese in a bowl.

“I think you must have dropped this,” Luke said as I was sprinkling in black pepper.

“What?” I turned to look at him.

He was holding the
Rachel’s Favorites
cassette tape. Our eyes met.

“I almost ran over it,” he added. “I tried to rewind the tape. Hope it works. I suppose I could always make you another one to replace it.” He slipped the cassette into his shirt pocket. “’Course most of the world has gone digital. Guess you can find just about anything on
eBay
.”

“Just about,” I agreed a new tiny knot of joy in my throat. “But my
Sony Walkman
still works great.”

.

EPILOGUE

“W
ould you like something to drink?” the flight attendant asked us.

Luke, turning to me, waited for my response. He could be so charmingly old-school sometimes, speaking to waiters for the both of us, keeping to the outside when we walked down the street together. He must have learned it from Mr. Sterling—who was
Thomas
to me now. In any case, it was possessive and protective, and a little archaic, but being madly in love with him, I delighted in it.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I’m fine.”

“You sure, sweetheart?” asked Luke. “We’ve got lots of time. How ‘bout a sparkling water?”

He was right. The time between boarding and take-off could certainly be different when flying first-class as opposed to coach. I would have to get used to that. Luke only flew first-class, which made sense of course. Moreover, due to his different needs, the airlines generally preferred to have him board first, and for the same reasons he was also expected to deplane last. All in all there was a lot of
hurry-up-to-wait
when Luke traveled, but I had the perfect temperament for it; and besides whenever I was with him, to paraphrase the Isley Brothers, there was
no place else
I would rather be.

“Okay,” I agreed with Luke’s suggestion. “That sounds good.”

“Two sparkling waters,” Luke now said to the attendant, who smiled at us. “One with a lemon slice, please.”

The lemon slice was for me. Luke had always been very good with little details like that. The attendant quickly returned with our drinks and then resumed her other flight-preparation duties.

“To honeymoons,” Luke toasted our trip, tapping his plastic glass to mine.

“That last forever,” I added beaming at him.

The attendant, wearing her own bright smile, peeped around the bulkhead where she had been checking storage space.

“Are you two on your honeymoon?” she eagerly inquired.

“Yes,” Luke and I said in unison and giggled at ourselves.

“Congratulations!” chirped the attendant. “That’s wonderful!”

And unbelievable, and miraculous, and thrilling, and magical, and…and…and…

Almost a year later to the day, from the dinner at St. Ives, Luke and I were on our way to Toronto, to begin my dream vacation, the train trip through the Canadian Rockies. Only I could never have dreamed a trip this
wonderful
to quote the smiling flight attendant. The name on my passport read:
Rachel Marie Sterling
. Corrine had already seen to it that new business cards with my new name had been ordered, and my new voter registration card was on its way. Not only did I have a new name, T-T and Agatha, and I had a new home too.

By Sterling standards,
Betty’s
anyway, our wedding had been a modest affair, but Luke and I had wanted it that way, and together we had held firm when his mother’s ideas had been too over the top for our tastes.