Want It Bad (24 page)

Officer Hotbox beamed. “Don’t it? Now let me see if I can find your Snotmuffin.”

“Snotmallow.”

“Got him.” The cop whistled. “That’s the cutest perp I’ve ever seen. He sells his body? So I can hire this man?”

“You’re a police officer,” Carla said.

“So because I’m a cop I don’t have physical needs?”

“You just said prostitution is against the law.”

“So are drugs. I’m so high right now I can barely see.”

“You are?”

The cop gave Carla a baleful stare that basically said you’re an idiot.

“Look,” Carla said, “I posted bail for him and my friend Janet. I just want to know when they’ll be released.”

“Should be sometime soon. You want me to get you a cup of coffee?”

“Sure. That would be great. Thanks.”

Officer Hotbox rolled her eyes. “Do I look like a waitress? You want coffee, go run to Starbucks. Sheesh.”

Carla sat back down next to the water cooler. She picked up a pamphlet with the title, “Protect Yourself from Violent Crime”. The cartoon drawing on the front was of a terrified woman surrounded by menacing looking men with various weapons. One was carrying a medieval mace.

“You bailed me out? I’d rather rot in jail forever.”

Carla looked up and saw Janet standing in front of her. They’d given her some orange prison dungarees, and she was holding the Lone Ranger mask and hat. Janet had been charged with disorderly conduct and patronizing a prostitute, but luckily the cop had stopped short of assault on an officer, presumably since it was clear Janet had intended her dildo missile for Carla.

“You have to attend a hearing, pay some fines, and everything should work out okay. Need a ride?”

“From you? Nope.”

“Listen Janet, I’m sorry that whole thing got so out of hand.”

The outside door to the lobby opened, and a familiar-looking man walked in. It took a second for Carla to realize it was Jeff, the twenty-something, blond bartender from their happy hour spot.

Carla turned back to Janet. “He’s your ride?”

“I told him if he got me out by eleven, I’d let him get me off by eleven-fifteen.”

Carla wasn’t sure if things would ever be the same between her and Janet, but at least Janet sounded less angry and more like her old self. “You’re going to break him in half. You know that, right?”

“Sometimes you can’t prevent a little collateral damage.” Janet turned to Jeff, lowering her voice to a sexy rasp. “Ever do it with a jailbird? I can tell you stories, honey. The things that were done to me in there. Prison changes a girl. It’s been so long since I’ve had a man.”

Carla didn’t mention that Janet had been with a man earlier tonight.

Janet left the jail, Horny the Barkeep following like an eager puppy. A few minutes later, Jake emerged. He also wore orange bottoms, and a matching top that looked like hospital scrubs. But even in that ugly outfit, he was still breathtakingly gorgeous.

The female cop behind the desk whistled.

Jake’s eyes met Carla’s. “Thanks for bailing me out.”

“If it wasn’t for me, the police never would have been involved. Can I give you a ride back?”

“Sure.”

Carla led him to where she’d parked the car. She felt horrible about the whole evening, and although Jake and even Janet seemed to have forgiven her, she knew it would take more than bail money and a ride home for her to forgive herself.

They climbed in the car, and Carla pulled into traffic.

“I’m sorry this happened, Jake. I’m also sorry about the window. I can call someone, have it boarded up until I can get it repaired tomorrow.”

“It’s okay. There’s some plywood in the basement. I can do it.”

“And you just told me how a client in your old neighborhood broke a window. I feel like an idiot.”

Jake put both hands over his face and rubbed. “Oh, no…”

“What?”

“The homeowner’s association,” he said. “They’re going to find out about this and kick me out.”

“I’ll talk to them. I won’t let them throw you out, Jake.”

After a moment he said, “I’m giving it up, Carla.”

“What?”

“I’m giving up the escort business. That should be a point in my favor with the association board, right?”

“Yes. Probably.”

Carla focused on the road ahead of her and the hum of her tires as they crossed a drawbridge. She should be glad he was giving up prostitution, shouldn’t she? But the only thing she could think about was how she’d never again set foot in the dungeon of pleasure.

Proof right there that I’m a selfish, horrible, depraved pervert.

“So what will you do for a living?”

“Devote myself to dog walking, at least for the next few years.”

“Dog walking? You can make enough money doing that to afford to stay in Windermere? How many dogs are you planning to walk?”

“Only one.”

She turned to look at him.

“The emergency I was called to on Saturday? It was Gloria Hotchland. She passed away.”

The way he stared out the window, he looked sincerely bereft, just as he had when he’d received the call.

“I’m so sorry, Jake.”

“She was quite a lady. I’m going to miss her.”

Carla nodded. “She was always kind to me.”

“And to me. More than kind.”

“She willed you money? The house?”

“Me? No. She didn’t will anything to me. But Harry on the other hand, he’s rolling in the dough.”

“Harry. The dog she got when she moved to assisted living.”

“Yep. That hound worked magic. Happiest I’ve ever seen her.”

“So she willed Harry to you?”

“More like she willed me to him. I’m his caretaker. I live in his house, and he pays me a salary.”

“Nice work if you can get it.”

He lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “I guess. I like Harry, and I’d rather quit the escort business than find another place to live.”

Could part of his reticence about moving be not wanting to move away from me?

Carla shook her head.

Wishful thinking.

They reached Windermere, and Carla drove silently down the picturesque streets, not sure what else to say.

Jake broke the quiet. “Did you talk to your friend at the jail?”

“Briefly.”

“Are you two okay?”

“Not sure. But Janet and I have been friends since we were twelve years old. We’ve had fights before. We’ve always found ways to get over it. I hope we can again.”

“I never would have taken her as a client if I’d known she was your friend.”

“She hired you just like I did,” Carla said, the thought of him showing himself to Janet still delivering a sting. “I had no right to feel jealous.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was. The broken window, the argument in front of the cop… It was the fucking machine all over again.”

“The fucking machine?”

“I lost control.”

“That’s what makes the fucking machine amazing.”

“Nothing good comes from losing control.” As many times as she’d embarrassed herself in the past week, none was worse than right now, explaining all this to Jake, taking responsibility for what she’d done.

She pulled into her driveway, stopped in front of her garage, and opened her door. “Go ahead. Harry probably needs to go out. I’m sorry. See you around.”

“See you around? What does that mean?”

“It means I’ll see you around.”

“It sounds like you don’t want to be friends anymore.”

“Were we ever friends, Jake?”

“I think we are. Yes.”

She looked at him. “I’m your neighbor. And a client. And you were right. You shouldn’t have taken me as a client.”

“Do you regret it? Because I don’t, Carla. I don’t regret anything.”

Carla didn’t want to do this. She liked Jake. A lot. But she didn’t like herself and how she acted when she was around him. Losing control was bad. She wouldn’t allow it to happen again.

And that meant keeping her distance.

Carla climbed out and started for her porch. He followed.

“Carla, wait.”

Keep walking.

Don’t look back.

“Like I said before, this whole thing, it’s not you at all. There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Her feet slowed.

“It doesn’t matter, Jake.”

“What I’m trying to say is that there are things about me. Things you don’t know.”

“And those things are your business. Not mine.”

“I want to tell you.”

“Well, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Carla…”

She reached her front door and began to punch in the code. “I’m not listening, Jake.”

“Carla. I’m a virgin.”

Carla couldn’t have heard him right. She turned to face him. “You’re a what?”

“A virgin. I am a virgin.”

For a few seconds Carla was at a loss for words.

“No fucking way,” she finally said.

“It’s the truth. I’ve never had sex.”

“But you’ve got a fucking sex dungeon in your house!” Carla screamed. Then she noted Rabbi Goldstein, from the Homeowner’s association board, walking his dog down the sidewalk. Carla gave him a meek wave, then leaned in and whispered. “How can you be a virgin?”

“It’s like you said, I guess. Taking care of others is safer.”

A virgin.

Carla stared at him, the idea still refusing to sink into her mind.

This man, who showed her how amazing sex could be, had never experienced it himself.

“You’ve had a blow job though, right?”

He didn’t answer.

“You’ve never had a blow job?” 

“Listen, Carla, I don’t really want to talk about it. I just wanted to… I don’t know. Explain things, I guess. I don’t let people get close to me, because I’m afraid they’ll leave. Everyone I’ve ever dated—I broke it off before it got serious.”

“What about one-night stands? Cheap, meaningless sex?”

“I don’t think sex is meaningless, Carla. I think it’s the most intimate thing two people can do. But if I’m being paid for it, I can put aside my needs. I don’t have to get attached.”

“How about a hand job? No girl has ever given you a handie?”

Jake turned red. “I thought you’d understand. But if you want to make jokes, fine. See you around.”

He spun around and walked away.

Carla retreated into her house, still not sure how Jake’s confession could possibly be true. She made straight for the kitchen and her precious stash of Sam Adams Utopias. Cracking open the bottle, she poured about an ounce into a snifter, set the bottle down, then picked it back up, pouring two more.

A virgin? Jake?

She brought the glass to her lips, forcing herself to sip when every cell in her brain was screaming for her to guzzle.

A virgin who hasn’t even had a blow job?

Carla set down her glass and plucked her phone from her bag. She called up her directory, stared at Janet’s number, and then returned the phone to her purse. Hearing a noise out front, she carried her snifter to the dark living room and peered outside.

Jake strolled along the street, his gait leisurely as to not outpace the waddle of his short-legged companion. He glanced her way, and Carla stepped back, even though she knew that with the interior lights out, he couldn’t see her.

Jake is a virgin

Jake is a virgin.

He kept walking, and Carla took in his broad shoulders, the narrow of his waist, the way those jeans cupped his butt. His movement was fluid, effortlessly athletic, and Carla couldn’t help thinking about the feel of his touch, the sound of his voice, the taste of his kiss.

Jake is a virgin.

Jake is a virgin.

Harry stopped to pee on her mailbox post and sniff the smells left by other dogs. Then they moved out from under the streetlight and continued down the street.

Carla continued to stare at the darkness for another minute, maybe two.

Jake is a virgin.

Jake is a virgin.

When her snifter ran dry, she returned to the kitchen. She stared at Janet’s name on her phone one more time, and then poured another.

Her cell rang before she could take a sip. Carla stared at the name on the display then picked up.

“Janet?”

“He whipped out his dick in the car. It was the size of a cocktail weenie. And you know how I treat men like fish; the big ones you mount, the little ones you throw back. When I made a joke about him being able to fuck my belly button, he pulled over and kicked me out of the car.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“I’m two blocks away from home. Walking. And thinking. I’m sorry, Carla. I should have respected the bitch code. Chicks before dicks.”

Carla opened her mouth, then shut it, not sure what to say.

“I always had the greatest stories, you know? Exciting shit. Kinky shit. Shit that you’d never even heard of. It was my thing. When you took that too, I guess I didn’t react very well.”

“Took that, too?”

“Give me a break, Carla. You’re thin. You’re beautiful. You’re fucktastically rich. And even with all that, you’re a nice person. Much nicer than I’ll ever be. I’m allowed to be a little jealous now and then.”

Carla blinked, the kitchen growing bleary. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, but before she could speak, Janet continued.

“So how’s Jake?”

“Jake…”

“If you don’t want to talk about him, it’s okay. I know you have actual feelings for—”

“He’s a virgin.” Carla clapped a palm over her mouth.

“Whaaaaa?”

“I shouldn’t have told you. Forget about it, okay?”

“What are you talking about? You were
required
to tell me. Holy shit, Carla! He’s got a fucking sex dungeon in his house!”

“That’s what I said. The whole thought of it is just…”

“Crazy?”

“Yeah.”

“Preposterous?”

“Uh, huh.”

“Mindboggling?”

Carla nodded, as if her friend could see her through the phone. Jake’s confession had certainly boggled her mind. And Carla had to admit it was a relief to be able to tell someone.

What would I do without Janet?

“How can a man who is that talented never have tagged muff. Never plowed trim. Never speared beaver. You
have
to do him.”