Wanted (18 page)

“Thanks,that
would be great.  I appreciate your help.  You have my information?”

“Got
it.  Good luck, son.”

“Who
was that?”  Landon asks curiously.

“The
Lieutenant from Jacob’s case.  I want to see him.  Don’t say anything
to Kim.  She doesn’t understand.  I know just saying his name brings
back bad memories for her.  I need closure.  I need to know
why.  I can’t sleep or rest until I know.”

“I
won’t man.  I hope you get what you need so you can move on.  We all
need to fucking move on.”

***

The
next week, I find myself standing outside the correctional facility wondering
if this a mistake.  The facility is huge and intimidating.  For a
moment, I wonder how I would have survived in here if things didn’t work out
the way they did.

As
I enter the building, there is a whirlwind of activity.  I’m padded down,
stripped, sent through metal detectors. All my shit is taken from me.  I
feel like a fucking criminal.  They lead me to a large space that looks
like a waiting area.  It doesn’t look so sterile like a hospital waiting
room.  I feel the need to leave and shower.  The place smells like
smoke and mildew.  I wait patiently as I shift in the metal chair
uncomfortably until an officer calls my name and motions me over.  He
leads me to a row of cubicles with glass partitions separating the chairs on
the other side.  He points to the third cubicle and I sit staring at a
glass wall or whatever this stuff is.  I’m sure it’s bullet proof. 
It’s dirty and hard to see through.

“Jacob
Matheson will be here shortly.  You can talk through this receiver
here.”  He says pointing to the phone on the table.  “You have ten
minutes.  Do not stand from your seat.  The guard will immediately
dismiss you.”

“Yes
officer, thank you.”

Not
two minutes later, I hear the squeak of the large door being opened and Jacob
in his orange jumper with his hands handcuffed behind him is being led over by
the guard.  He sits in the seat and just glares at me.  I swallow
hard.  My throat tight.  I almost want to leave.  Why am I here?
He’s my twin and I see the resemblance which freaks me the hell out but his
head is shaved now and his face is harder.  Rough.  He probably
smokes. He has a scar over his eyebrow and his eyes are dark as night. 
He’s thin and gaunt.  Probably from drugs.  He picks up the phone so
I do the same.  I think a minute has already passed and I only have nine
left.

“Ryan. 
Nice to see you brother.  I didn’t expect a reunion.”

“I
need answers.” My normally strong voice shakes.

“Answers. 
Let’s see.  What would you like to know?  Do you want to know how
Kim’s pussy tasted or do you already know?”

I
stand, pushing the metal chair out from under me.  “You son of a bitch!”

“SIT!” 
Screams the guard.

I
pull my chair back under me and sit.

“You
sick fuck.”  I scream into the phone.  He sits there with his arms crossed
over his chest with a smug look on his face.

“Hey
now.  We come from the same bitch, you and me.  So you have no right
calling me a sick fuck.  So, tell me, how the fuck did you end up in
fucking fairy tale land while I was watching my mother slowly kill herself and
getting beaten by my daddy on a daily basis for spilling my fucking milk! 
Huh?  Why is that?  You and your sweet fucking mommy and daddy! 
Well, fuck you!  Did you ever meet our Mama, Ryan?  Do you know that
she got married to a Doctor and had 3 children?  Yeah, they were living
the life.  Too bad for her unfortunate car accident, bitch deserved it.”
He spits.

“You
caused the accident didn’t you?  You killed my parents too, you fuck!”

“You
and I are the same Ryan.  You didn’t deserve them.  I thought we’d be
best buds for a while there.  Neglected foster kid, drinking, taking
advantage of girls…”

“I
never fucking took advantage of girls…”

“Oh,
of course, that was me!  After those two bitches, I realized I didn’t hit
close enough to home so I watched closely and I knew taking Kim would wreck
you.  Shit, I can’t even tell you how much I enjoyed fucking her ass and
then watching you take the blame.  It almost fucking worked too until the
fucking blonde started snooping.  I almost fucking had her too! 
Damn.  She smelled so damn sweet.”  He closes his eyes and breathes
in like a sick mother fucker.  “Her cunt was….”

“You
Fuck!!”  I pound my fist on the counter and throw the phone down, standing
again as the guard hurries over and grabs my arm.  “Times up. 
Visiting time is over.”  I watch the other guard drag Jacob away as he
smiles wickedly at me.  I turn to the guard holding my arm.  “He
fucking killed me parents.  He just admitted it!”  I yell.

“It’s
all recorded. I assure you. It’s time for you to go.”  He leads me towards
the check-out, gripping my elbow so I can’t go after Jacob and kill him. 
Smart guy because that’s exactly what I want to do.

I
collect me belongings and exit the building into the sunshine, such an extreme
contrast from being inside that shithole.  I breathe in the fresh air and
just stand there.  I think of Vanessa.  I miss her face.  I miss
her sounds.  I miss her body at night that used to wrap around me and help
me sleep.  I thought I’d have closure after seeing Jacob but I don’t feel
any relief or closure.  I need Vanessa.

After
I left the police station, we checked out of the hotel immediately and my
parents took me home.  Sobs tore through my body the entire two and a half
hours.  I collapsed on my bed as soon as we entered the house, not even
stopping to see Mason.  I didn’t want him to see me like that.  I
slept for 12 hours straight. 

I
wake the next morning to the sun shining bright.  I turn my head to the
corner of the room and open my eyes slowly, looking for the peeled wallpaper
but all I see is pink.  Bright, vibrant pink paint.  I blow out a
long breath when I realize I’m home.  My bedroom is decorated like a
boutique.  Painted in pink and accented in black.  The black and
white vintage damask curtains blow with the gently breeze.  I love my room
but something’s missing. Him.  I miss waking up wrapped around his hard
body.  His crooked smiles when I tell him I need him.  His
smell.  His kisses.  The way his tongue darts out across his lip when
he’s turned on.  His messy long hair.  His beautiful blue eyes. 
I stare at the curtains as my eyes fill with tears.  My chest
tightens.  I didn’t think I could cry anymore.  I hear my bedroom
door slowly open and as I turn my head, I see Mason bounding towards me. 
I sit up quickly and hold my arms open as he jumps into them.

“Mason!”

“Vanessa,
I’m so glad you’re home.  I missed you so much.”  He says squeezing
me tight.

“I
missed you too buddy.”

“Are
you okay Vanessa?”  The look on his face makes me sad.  I know he
didn’t see the news, my parents wouldn’t let him but he heard stuff at school.

“I’m
really okay, Mason.  Really.”

“I
prayed for you ever day.”

“Thanks
Mason.  I’m home.”

“Guess
what?”  He asks, bouncing on his knees.

“What?”

“Today’s
Christmas!”

“Yeah?” 
One day we’ll celebrate Christmas on December 25
^th
.

“Yeah,
and I didn’t peek at your present. Cross my heart.”  He says drawing a
cross over his chest with his finger.

“Good. 
Give me a minute and I’ll come down okay?”

“Okay!” 
He yells running out the door.

This
is the day I’ve been waiting for.  Christmas with my whole family. 
Mom isn’t sick and Dad isn’t working at the hospital.  It’s not December
25
^th
but we’re all together.  Still, I don’t know how I’m going
to get through this day or the next.  Every time I open my mouth to speak,
I feel like I’m going to completely break down.  Tears are constantly
threatening.  My head hurts from trying to hold it all in.  I really
just want to crawl back into bed.  I need to do this for my family
though.  They’ve been without me and this means the world to them.

I
change out of yesterday’s clothes that I slept in, splash some cold water on my
face and then brush my teeth.  I make my way down the spiraling staircase
and force a smile on my face.  My Mom went all out with her Christmas
decorations.  Poinsettias are scattered around the house as well as
garland and mistletoe.  The mantel is covered with silver candlesticks and
stocking holders that spell out NOEL.  Mine is the E.  The stockings
are red and velvety with our names scrolled in glitter.  Our Christmas
tree is a fake 12’ pre-lit tree with red, green and silver bulbs
scattered.  Gold ribbons flows down the tree in waves.  A gold angel
sits on the very top.  I immediately think of that 4 foot Charlie Brown
tree that Ryan cut down just for us.

As
I approach the living room, I hear hushed whispers and then my Mom comes to me
dressed in her Sunday best and apron holding her arms open for me.  I walk
into them and she wraps me in a hug.  “Vanessa honey, we can do Christmas
another day if you’re not up to it.”

“I’m
good Mom, just tired.”

She
holds me by the shoulders and nods.  She knows I’m not okay but she’s
giving me space. “Okay, go sit.  We’ll open presents.  Mason has been
waiting patiently.  He didn’t want to open his gifts without you. 
We’re glad your home.”  She wipes her eyes and smiles.  “Go.” She
pats me like a child, pushing me towards the couch.

I
sit in front of the tree with my knees crossed next to Mason, just like every
year. 

“Mason,
this is my gift to you.  I can’t wait for you to open it.”  He smiles
big at me and tears the paper into shreds tossing it over his shoulder. 
His cheeks are still pink from sleep and his hair is pokey.  He still acts
like he’s four years old when he opens presents.

“No
way!!!”  He yells.  “It’s a Mystery.  This is so cool! 
Thanks Vanessa.”  He lunges at me and almost knocks me backwards.  We
both giggle.  I love seeing him this happy.  I look over at my Mom
and Dad sitting close on the couch together.  My Dad has my Mom’s tiny
hand in his.  I feel a smidge better than I did this morning.  A
smidge. 

Mason
opens a few more presents and I give my parents their gift from me and
Mason.  Mason pitched in a bit of money from his allowance and I used part
of the money I had stashed from teaching dance class to a bunch of four years
olds before my Mom got sick. We bought them a weekend ski package in
Breckenridge.  My Mom and Dad used to ski when they were dating and they
just haven’t been able to go since we moved to Colorado.  They were both
ecstatic.

The
floor is covered in balled up wrapping paper and ribbon and empty shirt
boxes.  Mason has his treasures in a neat pile behind him but holds his
skateboard in his lap.  He has a mischievous grin on his face and he
exchanges glances with my parents.

“Vanessa,
we have a gift for you.” My parents stand and Mason jumps to his feet giggling
and jumping up and down.  What in the world?

My
Dad hands me my jacket and I follow them out the front door.  No way!

“It’s
brand new.”  My Dad says dangling a key from his finger.

I
grab the key and run down the driveway to the shiny new red VW bug.  “I
love it!”  I yell.  I get in and inhale the new car scent.  I
love it.  I run back to my parents and wrap my arms around them.  “I
love it. Thank you.”

“Insurance
totaled your car and we put in the rest to buy you a new one.  You deserve
it.”  My mom says still wiping at her eyes.  My poor Mom.  God
knows what she went through when I was missing.  I grab her in a big hug
and remind her how much I love her.

“Love
you kiddo. Glad you’re safe at home.”  My Dad says, patting my head like
I’m twelve.

After
a test drive in my new car, I sit on the kitchen counter in my spot, swinging
my legs while watching my Mom bounce around the kitchen doing her thing. 
She loves to cook.  I always sat in this exact spot with my legs dangling,
watching her create masterpieces before she got sick. 

“Can
I ask?  What happened Vanessa?”

“Kim.” 
I say quietly.  “She loves him.  I had to let him go.” 
Shit.  My voice breaks and the tears fall before I can stop them.  My
mom grabs me a tissue and then continues.  She knows I feel better after
talking.  I’ll combust if I hold things in.

“”Does
he love her?”

“Yes. 
Not like that though, he says.  She needs him and he doesn’t want to hurt
her.  I understand.  They have history.  Six years, like me and
James.”

“Speaking
of James, that boy has called here each and every day.  Vanessa you need
to talk to him.  He’s been worried about you.”

“I
will.  I just can’t talk to him right now.  I need to call Megan
too.”

“So,
do you still think you’re in love with Ryan?”

“Yes.” 
I whisper hanging my head.  “I felt it, you know?”

“You
mean you found you’re something?”  She asks chuckling.

“He’s
my everything.”

“Vanessa,
don’t give up.  No regrets.”

“I
can’t compete with Kim.”

“Maybe
you don’t have to.  Just don’t give up so easily.”

Every
time my Mom gives me advice, it’s the two words that I always refer back
to.  No regrets.  I know she’s right.  Deep down if I just give
up, I’ll regret it. 

The
house is soon taken over by the smell of her homemade apple pie.  I eat
two giant pieces until I can hardly breathe.  I’ve lost about 10 pounds in
the last couple weeks.  I can afford to eat extra pie.  Feeling full
and sleepy, I decide to retire to my room.  I grab my favorite sweats that
I missed so much and pull my hair up into a pony tail and get comfy with my
iPhone.  The first thing I do is check my messages.  I have 3 text
messages since I got home.  All from James.

James: 
Please call me, I’m worried about you

James: 
Please call.  I miss you

James: 
Vanessa PLEASE, call me, I just want to talk

I
blow the loose strand of hair off my face. I really don’t want to talk to him
right now.  I scroll through my contacts and land on Megan.  She
hasn’t tried to call but I know my Mom talked to her and told her I just needed
some time.  I hit the call button and get her voicemail.

“Megan,
it’s me.  Call me.”

I
hit my Facebook icon.  I deleted my account in the car on the way
home.  I had pulled it up and I had over 100 posts, mostly from people I
hardly ever talk to, asking me about my abduction.  I had over 20 new
friend requests, I’m assuming some were reporters.  I didn’t want curious
people looking through my photos and personal information so I just deleted it.
I decide to create a new account under
Ness Cartwright
.  I scan
through my recent pictures and decide to use the one I just took today of my
red bug to use as my profile picture.  I load the picture and smile to myself. 
As I’m holding my phone, it rings in my hand, startling the crap out of me.

“Hello?”

“Vanessa,
I need to see you. Please.  Can we talk?”