Wanted (19 page)

I’m
sitting in my car, shaking nervously as I stare at the front door of James’ apartment. 
I haven’t seen him for over a month now and I’m scared of my reaction. 
James is a sweet talker.  I’ve tried on three different occasions to break
up with James in the last six years.  He loves me and does not want to let
me go.  He usually gives me space for a few days and then sweet talks me
into taking him back and I always have given in.  He’s safe.  He’s
comfortable.  I always know what I’m getting with James.  This
heartache I’m feeling right now is exactly what I’ve always tried to avoid. 
I take a breath and walk on shaky legs to his door.  Before I even reach
the door, he opens it.  Before I can react, he has me in his tight grasp
with his head buried in my neck.  “Vanessa, I’m so glad you came.”

“I’m
sorry James.  I should have come sooner.”  I say, trying to subtly
escape from his hold.

“Come
in please.  I want to talk to you. Can I get you something to drink? 
Wine?”

“That
sounds good.  Thanks.”

He
fidgets around the kitchen and I resume my usual spot on his big blue comfy
couch that faces his 65” smart TV.  Apparently car sales are doing
well.  He comes and sits next to me handing me my wine and looks at me
strangely.

“What
did you do to your hair?”

“Oh,
I…..”  I pull on one of my dark strands.  I don’t really want to get
into the details with him.  “I needed a change.”

“It
looks…nice.”  Whoa.  What happened to my selfish James?  The
James that demanded a long blonde-haired trophy girlfriend? 
  “Can you tell me what happened?  I saw the news but you know
how that is.  I just want to know you’re okay.  That Jenson
guy?  He didn’t touch you, did he?”   He looks extremely
concerned.  I don’t really know what to say. If I say yes, he will think
Ryan is scum and forced me. If I say no, I’m lying and giving him false hope.

“It’s
complicated.  We were together for a while and we developed feelings for
each other so yes, things got physical but it was never forced.  I wanted
to.”

He
nods his head as he runs his hand up and down the back of his neck.  His
eyes become glassy and I feel like I should comfort him.  “Are you two
together?”  He asks not looking up at me.

I
shake my head.  “No.  Like I said, it’s complicated.  Kim, the
girl that was last attacked, was his best friend and they had a relationship
before this all happened and he needed to be with her.”

“So
he chose her?”

“I
left before he could make a choice.  She needed him.”

“Do
you love him?”

“Yes.”

He
stands up and starts to pace back and forth, hands on his hips and then on his
head and then rubbing his face.  Then, he sits back down and turns to
me.  He takes my hands in his.

“Vanessa,
you’ve known this guy for a month.  He is with another woman.  I am
here!  We’ve had six years together.  I know I can be selfish. 
I know you weren’t very happy.  You told me it was about commitment but I
don’t believe that now.  What is it?  What can I do to make you
happy?  Please tell me.  I’m willing to change, be who you want me to
be.  I’ll do anything for you Vanessa.  Please, give me another
chance.  I love you.  I love you with all of my heart.  I’ve
loved you since the day I met you six years ago.  We can make this work.”

When
I hear him say he’s loved me since the day he met me six years ago, my mind
drifts to that day.  I was 15 years old and we had just moved to Colorado. 
It was my first day of high school as a freshman.  I was scared to
death.  We moved into our house 3 weeks before school started and I hadn’t
met a single soul.  We were busy unpacking and getting settled. 

The
morning of school, I had everything planned out, down to the outfit I was going
to wear. I am usually a hoodie and jeans kind of girl but I decided to make a
good first impression.  I wore a thin white tunic sweater that hung off my
shoulder layered with a lacy tank top underneath and my awesome bedazzled
skinny jeans.  I paired that with my black high heeled boots.  I
fishtail braided my long hair to the side with a few strands hanging loosely
around my face.  I felt good.  I felt confident.  I poured some
of my Moms coffee in a travel mug and made my way to school.  It was a
short walk.  As the school came into view, my confidence started to
diminish.  I took one last sip of my coffee and it burst out of the cup
onto my white sweater. I walked into the school and headed straight to the
restroom.  I tried to get as much coffee off of my sweater as I could but
it was hopeless.  I was going to be late.  I didn’t want to walk into
class late and have all eyes on me and my big stain.  I headed to the
office and picked up my schedule.  I glanced at it and realized that they
placed me in all the leftover classes nobody else wanted. Aquatics?  What
the hell was Jazz Improvisation?  My eyes blurred with unshed
tears.    Shit.  As I walked trying to read where my first
class was, I bumped into a hard chest and almost fell backwards on my ass but
he grabbed my arms, stopping my fall.

“Hey
there, you okay?” He took one finger and swiped the tear that escaped.

“Yeah. 
Sorry.  I was trying to read my schedule and I wasn’t looking where I was
going.”

“Lucky
for me I was looking because you are beautiful.”  He grabbed a strand of
my long blonde hair and twirled it around his finger, smiling charmingly at
me.  My face blushed and I had to look away so I stared at my schedule.

“Here,
let me take a look.”  He grabbed the schedule from my hand and looked it
over.  “I’m James by the way.”  He reached out his hand and I took
it.  He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles
gently.  “I’m a sophomore.  I know my way around pretty well.  I
can help you.  I can also help you with your little problem.”  He
pointed to my coffee blemish. He bent down and sifted through his
backpack.  “Here. You can throw this on.”  He pulls out a button down
flannel and I feel my spirits lift.  I can make that work.

“Thanks. 
That will work.”  I pulled my sweater off and threw his shirt over my
tank.  The coffee seeped through to my tank so I buttoned a couple of
buttons on the flannel and rolled up the sleeves.  It didn’t look
bad.  “We just moved here 3 weeks ago and I haven’t had time to meet
anyone.”  I explained as I put myself together.  “How do I look?”

“Even
more beautiful.”  He said with a wink.

“Thanks.”

“No
problem.”  He grabbed my backpack and slung it over his shoulder and took
my hand.

He
never left me that day.  He dropped me off at each class and picked me up
from each class.  We ate lunch together out in the
courtyard.    Each day was the same.  He even gave me my
first kiss in the courtyard during our lunch period that year.  The following
year, he was a senior and I was a junior.  We went to all the sports games
together.  He never played sports and neither did I but our friends played
and we would go and support them and then we’d always meet up for pizza
afterwards.  I met Megan through one of James’ friends.  They played
softball together.  We were instant best friends.  James didn’t like
her because I started to divide my time and she didn’t like him for the same
reason but they tolerated each other.  I went to prom with James that year
and we almost had sex but he stopped it.  I thought it was sweet. For a
little while.  We didn’t have sex until my senior year after
homecoming.  I was eighteen when I lost my virginity.  He was twenty. 
It was planned.  He had just moved out of his parents’ house into his own
apartment.  We had sex missionary style on his plain white sheets and it
lasted an entire 12 minutes.  That’s including the time it took to take
our clothes off.  He was gentle and sweet but I needed more.  I
thought for sure things would progress but it was always the same.  We
kissed, we undressed, he’d dip one finger in to check my readiness and then
he’d pump in between my legs for roughly seven to nine minutes and then roll
off of me.  One time, he had a little too much to drink at one of his car
sales happy hours after work and he sucked on my tit until it hurt.  I
cried out and he stopped.  I didn’t know how to tell him that I actually
liked it.  He apologized.  He never did it again.  He never used
more than one finger.  He went down on me once for about two minutes. It
was awkward. It didn’t count. I tried to go down on him but he always stopped
me.

I’m
not sure if I can tell James what our problem is.  Maybe he would change
for me.  Try new things. I don’t know, I think it’s either something you
feel or you don’t.  I felt it just looking at Ryan.  He knew how to
touch me in all the right places in just the right way, the right amount of
pain and pleasure.  We would get lost in each other. It wasn’t just the
sex either.  We have this connection that brings us together like a
magnet.  We just fit.  We understand each other.  I’m not sure I
will ever feel that way about any other person.  He’s like my soul
mate.  He’s also with Kim now. 

“Vanessa.”

“Sorry.”

“You
were lost.”

“Yeah. 
I was.  Sorry.”

“I
was just saying that I love you and I know there is something more you need in
our relationship and I’m willing to do whatever you need me to do to make you
happy.  You just need to talk to me.”

“James.”

“Just
think about it Vanessa.  That’s all I ask.  Just think about the history
we have.  Things can be good between us.  I’m doing really well at
work.  We can have it all.  We can have a nice house, 2.5 kids, a dog
and you can stay at home if you want.  You never have to worry about
working.  I can take care of you Vanessa.  Just think about it,
okay.  I miss you.”

He
leans over and gives me a gentle peck on the mouth and then bends down on one
knee in front of me.  “I love you.”  He says as his eyes look deep
into my soul trying to persuade me to give him a chance. He pulls out a ring
from his pocket and grabs my hand sliding the ring on my finger. Oh my, I gawk
at the huge diamond ring on my finger.  Tears prick my eyes.  He
wants to be with me.  He is choosing me.  “You don’t have to answer
right now. Not even tomorrow, or the next day.  Take your time.  I
just want you to really think about us, how good we could be together. I want
to give you everything.  I want to marry you, Vanessa.  When you’re
ready.  I want you to be mine forever.”

“Jacob
Matheson has been sentenced this morning to life in prison.”  A young
reporter states holding her microphone standing in front of the court house in
Gunnison.  “He has confessed to the murders of Sophie Carsen and Mia knoll
and also the attempted murder of Kim Sawyer.  DNA evidence taken from
Matheson and the crime scenes of these cases has also been conclusive. 
Matheson was also charged with assault with a deadly weapon in the case of
Vanessa Cartwright.  He has also confessed to having a hand in the deaths
of his birth mother, Ashley Barr and the adoptive parents of Ryan Jenson, Linda
and David Jenson.  Their deaths were originally thought to be accidents
within three weeks of each other about 6 years ago.  Both accidents are
now under investigation.  Ryan Jenson was recently cleared of all charges
due to a shocking case of mistaken identity.”  She shakes her head in
disbelief.  “What a twist in this case.  Our thoughts go out to the
Knoll and Carsen families as well as Kim Sawyer, Vanessa Cartwright and Ryan
Jenson.  I hope they can find peace now that justice has been served in
these cases.”

I
turn off the TV and stare at the black screen.  My first thought is that I
wish I could be there for Ryan right now.  I can’t even imagine how he’s
feeling.  Within the last month, he was wanted for murder, found out he
had a twin brother and that his own blood killed his family and tortured his
best friend.  His brother is a sick psycho and I’m sure that’s a tough
pill to swallow. 

I
hear my phone ring from a distance and I turn towards the sound.  I rush
to it before it goes to voicemail and see Megan’s picture across my
screen.  I haven’t talked to her yet and I’ve been home for a couple of
weeks.  She has called a few times, I just haven’t been able to
talk.  I quickly push the green button to answer.

“Vanessa?!”

“Hi
Megan.” 

“Oh
God Vanessa.  I’m so sorry.  I’ve been trying to call.  I don’t
even know what to say.”

“Megan.” 
I interrupt.  “It’s okay.  I just couldn’t talk for a while.  A
lot has happened and I just have a hard time talking about it.  I’m sorry
I haven’t called.”

“It’s
okay.  I get it.  Don’t be sorry.  Did you see the news?”

“Yeah
I did.”

“Are
you okay?  I mean, it’s good news but I don’t know.  I guess I don’t
have any idea how you’re dealing with all this.”

“Do
you want to meet for dinner tonight?  I really need to get out of this
house.”

“Yes. 
I’d love too.  I miss you Vanessa.”

“I
miss you too.”

Later
that night, I step into the local bar that Megan and I have been dying to go to
since turning twenty-one.  I glance around the tiny bar.  There are
only about ten tables in the place.  There are a couple of pool tables and
a bunch of flat screens playing sports channels.  The cherry wood bar
lines the back wall with every bottle of booze imaginable covering the shelves
behind it. A few people sit on the bar stools in front of it watching the
bartenders fast at work.  I spot Megan at a table in the corner and as she
spots me, she starts towards me.  We both meet halfway throwing our arms
around each other. 

“Vanessa! 
I missed you so much!”  She squeezes me tightly.

“I
missed you too.  Sorry it’s been too long.  I just needed to get
myself together.”

“I
understand.  Come sit and talk to me, I ordered a bottle of white wine. 
Is that okay?”

“Sounds
good to me.”  We hurry over to the table and pour ourselves a glass.

“So,
I don’t want to ask anything inappropriate or stupid but can you talk about
what happened?”

“It’s
funny because I’m sure everyone thinks I’m in this somber mood because I was
held captive and I was attacked by some murdering psycho but the truth is, all
of that is a fading memory to me now.” I pause, swirling my wine around in my
glass.  How do I say this?  “I fell in love with Ryan Jenson and I can’t
seem to move on without him.”

“What
the fuck? Are you kidding?  What the hell happened in that cabin?”

“Oh
Megan.”  I sigh.  “Drink up.  We’re going to be here a
while.”  I say as she stares at me wide-eyed.

“Okay,
so you know about the accident.  I woke up in this cabin.  It
belonged to his foster brother’s grandfather.  It’s in the middle of
nowhere.  I was handcuffed to the bed in the bedroom.”

“No!”

“Yes. 
I was terrified.  I was stripped down to my underwear.  There were
medicine bottles and a knife on the nightstand.  I immediately thought of
Human
Centipede
.”

“Oh
my God Vanessa!  That is crazy.”

“I
didn’t know who he was until he left me uncuffed that night.  I woke up in
the morning and saw the newspaper and recognized his tattoo from the picture. I
ran.  He tackled me and handcuffed me again.  I was hysterical. 
He finally explained to me that he wasn’t the guy.  That he was
innocent.  I have to admit.”  I pause.  Should I say this out
loud?  “Even when I was scared of him, I felt this pull towards him. 
Does that make sense?”

Megan
has this wild look in her eyes as she sips her wine.  It makes me giggle.

“I
don’t know how to explain it.  That day, he let me shower and I screamed
because there was a spider and he came running in and saw me completely naked.”

“No!”

“Yes
and I let him look.”  I smile, remembering the connection we made. 
“We both felt this connection, this attraction.  There was just so much
sexual tension between us.  I think it was just a couple days later that we
both broke down and let it happen….on the counter, on the chair, in the shower,
on the bed.”

“No!” 
We both giggle.

“Yes! 
Oh my God Megan, it was unreal.  It just kept getting better from
there.  We did things I never thought I’d ever do and I only knew him for
a couple of weeks. There was so much passion. It felt right.  After I was
attacked, he was so gentle and sweet.  He told me he loved me.”

“What
about this other girl?”

“Kim. 
They were best friends. She wanted more and they tried before that night. 
He told me his feelings for her are complicated.  She told me she loves
him and needs him.  I honestly couldn’t stick around for the
heartbreak.  It already hurt so badly, so I left.”

“What
are you going to do Vanessa?  You can’t let that man go.  I think you
had more orgasms in that cabin than I’ve ever had.  Ever.”  She gulps
down half her wine.

“It’s
not just the orgasms, Megan.  It’s like he is my other half.  I’m
having a hard time breathing without him.  It hurts.  My heart hurts
so badly.”

“Have
you tried to contact him?”

“I
don’t have his number.  The only way to contact him is through Kim because
I know where she works but I’m scared to call her.  When I left, she
didn’t know anything happened between Ryan and me.  If he told her, she
might hate me.  He’s on Facebook but he hasn’t posted anything for
months.  There are a few pictures of him and Kim.”  I shrug my
shoulders.

“Send
him a message!”

“I
can’t.  I’m scared.”

“Have
you checked your Facebook?”

“I
closed my account the day I left.  I opened a new one a few days
ago.”  I lift my wine glass to my lips and the diamond from my ring
sparkles across my face.

“What
the hell is on your finger?”

“Oh
God.”  I say holding my hand out in front of me. “I forgot I had that on
still.”  I take it off and slide it into my purse.  “Fill up!” 
I point at her glass before I continue.  She quickly fills both of our
wine glasses and we each take a sip. “So, James asked me to marry him.”

“You
are not considering saying yes are you?”

“Of
course not.  I just didn’t want to hurt him.  I told him I love Ryan
but I also told him Ryan chose to be with Kim so he was persistent about giving
him a chance.”

“You
didn’t give Ryan an option to choose you, you left.  You left and you
can’t even call each other.  Pull up your Facebook.  You need to send
him a message.  Just leave your phone number.  At least you’ll give
him that option.”

I
reluctantly pull out my phone with shaky hands.  I really don’t want to
complicate things for him.  I know this isn’t easy for him either. 
He might be trying to work things out with Kim and if I contact him, it will
just make things more painful.

“I
don’t know Megan.” I say holding my phone.

“Give
it to me.”  She says, grabbing it out of my hands.  She presses on my
Facebook icon and I see my account load.  She presses the notification
button that says I have 3 notifications and freezes.

“What?”

“Oh
Vanessa.”  She says shaking her head.  She turns the phone to me and
I immediately see what she’s staring at.  I have a message in my
box.  From Ryan Jenson. With his phone number.

Ness, please call me