Wanted

THANK YOU…..

The first person I have to thank is Arianna Howard. Your input and support meant more to me than you will ever, ever know! Thank you for reading the endless tidbits I sent you and giving me your honest feedback. You are
the
bestest
best friend EVER and Jeff will always be yours! (Insert two girls wearing leotards HERE!)

R.L. Mathewson you ar
e by far
one
my favorite author
s and I admire you so
much! You are one very talented woman and I count myself as one lucky bitch to be able to call you my frien
d. Thank you,
for everything!

Molly McAdams you rock! Thank you so much for your support and help and for our weekly lunch dates! You make me laugh my ass off but you still made me ugly cry AND almost break my nook! But I still love
ya
.

Lynda Ybarra, thank you for answering all my stupid questions and helping me so much! Love
ya
!

Pat Winn, Ari Howard, Elizabeth Bartell and Susan
Sunderlin
, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy lives to read and edit this book! Without your support and help I would still be doing edits!

Rutheah
Rodehorst
with Blue House
Fotos
.
Your picture truly made me catch my breath the moment I saw it. You are an amazing photographer and a sweetheart of a lady! Thank you so much for letting me
share
your talent!

Paige and Drew…. Your picture is breathtaking! Thank you so much for allowing me to u
se it for the cover of my book!

To all the girls on the BDHM board.
OMG…..I love you all and would be lost without you girls. I hope you know that! I wish I could list each of you and tell you why I love you. Thank you for your endless support and posts that make me laugh my ass off every day! I love you girls so much! Ka-Chow!

This book is dedicated to my husband Darrin and my daughter Lauren.

If it were not for you Darrin I could never have dreamed up Gunner and Jefferson. Thank you for letting me share a little bit of you with the world. They truly broke the mold with you and everyone is right…… you really are different. Thank you so much for your never ending love and support in everything that I do. Oh and thank you for giving me your
star wish
!! I love you Darrin so
so
very much and yes….I really do love you MORE! HA!

Lauren, first let me just publicly say I am sorry for the 1 or 2 or maybe 6ish times I pulled your uniform out of the dirty clothes and sprayed it down with perfume and gave it to you to wear to school. Or the few times you might have gone without dinner while I was wrapped up in Gunner and Ellie. Turkey lunch meat and popcorn was a fun dinner thought wasn’t it?! Just remember all those trips to Dairy Queen when I gave in and took you!  I love you Lauren…… always stay true to yourself and follow your dreams.

Mom…. There is not a day goes by that I do not think about you. I miss you………

PROLOGUE

Ellie seven years old…..

I stood crying against the wall
. Mommy
was
acting weird
again
and it was scaring me
.
This is how she
acts
when she dri
nks the bad stuff
that Jefferson
call
s
beer.
I just wa
nt
to
run and
get away before she sees
me
again
and yells
.
She said she was going to make me cookies and that we would go t
o the park to
swing on the swings.
I was so happy
thinking about how much fun we would have.

Mommy had been mad ever
since her friend called
. She told me we we
re not going to the park today
because she was
feeling sad and needed a drink.

“You would not have
fun at the park Ellie
anyway.” But I knew I would especially because I loved the swings at school. I wish Jefferson was hom
e;
my tummy hurts so
bad
and I’
m so hungry.

Then she screamed
out
my name….
“
Ellie
!
”
I jumped and quickly wiped the tears away. If she s
aw me crying she
would just get mad at
me
again
. I walked up to her
very slowly
.

She was sitt
ing at the kitchen table with her face in her hands
. “Y
,
y
es Mommy
?
” S
he lo
ok
ed up at m
e
and frowned
.
I know who she i
s
thinking of
when she looks at me that way
. She tells me all the time I h
ave his eyes.
Jefferson says my eyes are like the blue like the sky
.

Mommy has pretty dark brown hair.
My
hair is much lighter than mommy’s
.
Jefferson likes to brush my hair and always tells me how pretty I am and that I am a princess
. He said
some day my prince will come and save me
and take me away from this bad place
.
Mommy
never tells me I am pretty, she
just tells me I lo
ok like my
daddy. She hates
my
daddy
.

”
Ellie
,
Ellie
,
Ellie
”
s
he said her L
s really funny, like she
was having a hard time saying them
.

“Do you know that you will
never
be wanted?
No one will ever love you
,
just like I have never been loved. N
o
man will ever really want you.
You need to know that now.
I wish someone would have told me
that,
fuck
i
t woul
d have saved me a lot of pain.”

Momm
y was still
talking funny. Did she
not wan
t me
anymore
?

“Mommy, I’
m sorry for
whatever
I did.
Please
don’t be mad at me.
Please
want me mommy
!
” I cried out. She just started to laugh
and then she put her head back in her hands
and told me to get out of her sight
.
I had a funny feeling in my chest and
my
tummy.
Why was it so hard for me to breathe?
I walked over to the corner
in the kitchen and sat down.

When will Jefferson get home?
I just want Jefferson……
I need Jefferson.

“You will never
be wanted
by anyone
……remember that
Ellie
darlin
’
, remember that
”……

Nine
years later……

Bryce
had
brought me
to
my favorite pizza shop for my
sixteenth
b
irthday. I was so excited. We’
d been dating for four
month
s now and he was just so sweet,
h
e only ever kissed me and never tried to take it further
which was so nice
. He sa
id he loved how innocent I was.

While we waited on our pizza
I
excused myself and went to the restroom. I was standing at the sink when a girl with beautiful blonde hair walked in. I recognized her fr
om school. I think she was in eleventh
grade like Bryce.

I
smiled as she walked up to me but s
he gave me a sad smile
in return
.

“Ellie Johnson right?”

“Yes, I’m
sorry, I recognize yo
u but I can’t place your name.”

“That’
s
okay;
I wouldn’t really expect you to know who I am Ellie. My name is Denise Watkins.”

Oh, I’
ve heard of this girl. Ari said she was easy and that every guy with a working penis had fucked her.

“Ellie, I really like you. I like how sweet and kind you are to everyone. I wish I could be more like you.”

WHAT?
Where the hell is this coming from?

“Um, thank you Denise that’
s very sweet of you to say that.”

“Ellie,
I am going to cut to the chase here. D
o you know where Bryce was last night?
I only ask because I think you deserve the truth.
”

I
shook my head yes. I had a very bad feeli
ng about where this was going.

My mother’s words popped into my head.

You will never be wanted by anyone……..

“Yes, he was um, he was at a study group at Melissa’s house last night.”

Denise looked sad. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away from me.

“No he wasn’t Ellie.
”

“How do you know that?”

She lowered her head and I could see the tears falling from her eyes. Oh holy hell.

“I know because he was fucking me in the backseat of his car last night.”

I just stood there….stunned. I couldn’t believe it.
No, this was not happ
en
ing to me.
I thought he was different!

Oh my god……I f
elt like I was going to be sick.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I didn’t want to tell you but I really like you and you are so innocent and that fucker does not deserve to have you on his arm like some trophy while he is going behind your back and fucking everything with a pu
ssy. I’
m sorry Ellie. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hope that you can forgive me some day.”

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I looked her right in the eyes and I could see how embarrassed and disgraced she was.

“Thank you Denise for telling me, I really do appreciate it.”

I tried to get composed before
I turned and walked out of the bathroom. As I walked back up the table where Bryce was sitting he had the nerve to smile and wink at me. He must have seen Denise come out of the bathroom behind me beca
use his face fell for a second.