War on Whimsy (3 page)

“Dad has a file he calls the Outrage File,” said Shimlara. “It's filled with newspaper clippings. Mom won't let him read it after ten PM because he gets himself into such a state he can't sleep. I'll get it. Maybe there will be some clues.”

She left the room. Sean looked longingly at the gold hutch sitting in the middle of the table. It was a common Globagaskarian appliance called the Telepathy Chef. You used mental telepathy to order the food you wanted.

“Maybe we could get the Telepathy Chef to make us some pizza,” said Sean.

“It might not be polite,” said Katie regretfully.

“Shimlara won't mind,” said Sean.

He closed his eyes. They all watched him lick his lips as he presumably thought hard about pizza. He opened his eyes and pressed the button on the Telepathy Hutch. Seconds later, a tray slid out.

“That doesn't even look
edible
,” said Greta.

It was a dish of what appeared to be snowballs sprinkled with grass clippings.

“Were you thinking about snow?” asked Nicola.

“No! I was thinking about how the best pizza we'd ever had was on the planet of Shobble, on that snowy mountain—” Sean stopped. “Okay, maybe I thought
briefly
about snow!”

“Were you thinking about grass clippings, too?” said Tyler.

“
No!
I was thinking about a pizza I had one day after I mowed—”

“The lawn,” finished Katie.

Sean banged his forehead against the table. “That machine is
faulty
.”

Shimlara walked back in lugging an enormous file brimming with newspaper clippings.

“Oh, sorry, are you guys hungry?” she said. “What's that supposed to be?”

“Pizza,” answered Nicola.

Shimlara blinked once and pressed the button on the Telepathy Chef. Three trays slid out in quick succession, each containing a delicious-looking pizza.

“How did you do that?” asked Sean.

“You've just got to focus,” said Shimlara. “Now speaking of focusing, do you think we could focus on finding my family?”

“Sorry,” said everyone guiltily, as they all avoided one another's eyes and helped themselves to slices of pizza.

“Hey!” said Sean suddenly, with his mouth full of pizza. “You know how you can read minds on Globagaskar?”

“Yes,” said Shimlara.

The people of Globagaskar were able to read minds and project their voices into other people's brains. Fortunately, it was considered bad manners to read someone else's mind except in dire circumstances.

“Well, why don't you just read your mom or dad's mind and find out where they are!” said Sean, obviously thrilled with his own genius.

Shimlara rolled her eyes. “Do you think I wouldn't have done that already if it was possible? You need to be able to see someone's face before you can read their mind.”

“Just a thought,” said Sean, deflated.

Shimlara put the file she was holding on the table. “Everyone take a few clippings and see what you can find.”

Nicola grabbed a handful and spread them out in front of her. She read:

Oh dear. There were so many planets that needed help. How could they possibly work out which one had taken Georgio and Mully's interest?

Nicola took another bite of her (perfect) pizza and the name Gorgioskio caught her eye on one of the clippings.

She read quickly.

“Listen to this!” she went to say to the others, but Tyler got in first.

“I've got it!” He began to read from one of the clippings. “
Intergalactic activists Georgio and Mully are at it again. This time they're taking on the Planet of Finbat, where the government has decided to only allow workers a day off once every three years. ‘This is an absolute outrage,' said Mully Gorgioskio. ‘We've started a committee called Help Finbat's Overworked Workers.
'”

Tyler looked up from his article. “Maybe their disappearance has got something to do with the government of Finbat.”

“But listen to this!” said Katie. “
This time those well-meaning Gorgioskios have gone too far.They have started a committee called Save the Arth-Creatures. Arth-Creatures are deadly, ugly, ill-mannered creatures that love nothing more than snacking on tasty humans. Yet the Gorgioskios are bent on saving them. ‘We should do everything in our power to stop the extinction of any species,' bleated bleeding heart Mully Gorgioskio. This journalist's humble opinion: Save the Arth-Creatures by feeding them two tasty morsels: Georgio and Mully Gorgioskio.”

“That's an awful thing to say,” said Shimlara. Her face was pale. “You don't think that journalist has—”

“Of course not,” said Nicola. “The journalist was trying to be funny.”

“Your parents have got so many causes,” said Sean.“They're like superheroes of the galaxy!” He paused. “Except without the superpowers.”

“Yeah, they're great, although I'm not sure it's absolutely necessary to save the Arth-Creatures,” said Greta. “They tried to eat
us
!”

“Anyway,” said Nicola decisively. “This isn't getting us anywhere. All we've learned from this is that your parents are involved with a
lot
of different causes.”

“So what next?” said Shimlara. “Do we just give up?”

“No way!” said Nicola. “We don't give up. We—” She searched her mind desperately for something they could do next.

She was interrupted by a sound from outside the house. They all looked at one another.

“Maybe the kidnappers have come back to get me,” said Shimlara.

Suddenly she leaped to her feet.

“Come and get me, whoever you are!” she yelled. “I don't care! I'm in—”

Sean jumped up on a chair so he was high enough to slap his hand over her mouth. “You can't help your family if you're kidnapped, too!”

Shimlara's eyes rolled around angrily, but she nodded, pushing away his hand.

There was definitely something going on outside the house. It sounded like footsteps. Actually, it sounded like an army of footsteps.

“Where are those Micro Mirth Missiles?” whispered Nicola to Sean.

Sean quickly pulled out a pack of miniature rocket-shaped objects from his backpack and opened it up. He handed a missile to each person. “Just pull on the wire at the back and throw.”

There was an enormous crash. A gust of air rushed through the house.

“I think they've kicked down the front door,” whispered Shimlara.

There was the sound of heavy boots running through the house. Nicola swallowed a scream as she and the Space Brigade stood up and backed themselves up against a wall, their Micro Missiles held aloft.

Suddenly the room was filled with giant men dressed entirely in black.

“Throw your missiles!” shouted Nicola.

Her hands shook as she pulled the wire from her own missile and threw it hard at the intruders. It bounced off one of the men's elbows. He glanced down and frowned.

The rest of the Space Brigade threw their missiles at almost the same time. The missiles didn't explode. They rolled harmlessly around on the floor. There was no smoke. Nicola saw one of the men kick curiously at one of the missiles with the side of his big black boot.

Were they broken? Had they ever worked?

There was silence. It was bizarre. The giant men weren't doing anything. They stood very still, as if at attention, their chests inflated, their faces like granite.

The Space Brigade huddled together, staring up at them.

The men stared back.

And then suddenly, amazingly, Nicola saw their mouths begin to twitch. Broad smiles crept across their faces.

They're making fun of us,
thought Nicola.

The men began to choke and sputter, their huge shoulders shaking, as if they were kids trying not to giggle in class. A gale of laughter swept the room. The men were overcome with it. Tears of joy slid down their red, scrunched-up faces. One by one, their knees buckled and they fell to the floor, shaking all over with laughter.

They think we're ridiculous,
thought Nicola bitterly.

She watched one of them crawl over to a Mirth Missile, examine it, and then throw back his head and laugh even harder, as if he'd never see anything so funny in his entire life. Suddenly she thought,
You fool! They're not laughing at us! They're laughing because the Mirth Missiles have WORKED!

Nicola turned to tell the others that now that the intruders were disabled by laughter, it was time to escape, but before she had a chance to speak, she was struck by just how extremely
funny
it was that she'd thought the intruders were laughing at them.

She began to giggle helplessly. She saw the rest of the Space Brigade was laughing, too. Shimlara pressed her fists hard into her cheeks.Tyler and Sean seemed to have turned to jelly and were trying to hold each other up. Greta and Katie were pointing at each other and laughing hysterically.

Oh dear,
thought Nicola,
the Mirth Missiles are affecting us, too. They're useless weapons! Which, when you think about it, is pretty funny.

Nicola found herself lying on the floor, roaring with laughter. Next to her one of the intruders was facedown, hitting the floor with his fist as he cackled.

Suddenly a cranky voice boomed across the room. “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE?”

It was a familiar voice.

Nicola lifted her head.

A girl was standing in the middle of the room, her hands on her hips, looking disgusted. She was wearing a beautiful green satin dress with gold embroidery, although Nicola noticed one of the sleeves was carelessly ripped. A tiara sat lopsided on her curly red hair.

“Princess—” said Nicola. She was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out. “Princess Petronella.”

“What's so funny?” demanded the princess.

The laughing continued.

“Do I have food in my teeth?” The princess pulled off her tiara and held it up to her face, grimacing at her reflection. This caused a fresh gale of laughter.

“
What?”
Princess Petronella stamped her foot in frustration. “Just tell me what's so funny!”

Nobody answered. They were too busy laughing.

But Nicola could feel the funniness seeping away.

The shrieks of laughter were replaced by sniggers and snickers, chuckles and chortles.

The effect of the Mirth Missiles was wearing off.

The room became silent, except for the sound of people clearing their throats. Slowly everyone got to their feet, shamefaced and avoiding one another's eyes.

“My sincere apologies, Princess Petronella,” said one of the men. “They attacked us with Mirth Missiles. Those weapons should be banned. They destroy dignity like
that
!”

He snapped his fingers to demonstrate and looked accusingly at the Space Brigade.

“Well, excuse
me
, but you were the ones knocking down our front door!” responded Shimlara.

“Yes, I am, ah, regretful, about that,” said Princess Petronella. (Nicola remembered how horrified Princess Petronella's parents had been when they heard her use the word
sorry
. Apparently Globagaskarian royalty weren't meant to use language like that.) “Mom and Dad insisted I bring along the palace guards. The guards think that's how you open doors—by kicking them down.”

“Is there another way?” said a confused voice from the back of the room.

“Why are you here, Princess Petronella?” said Shimlara.

“Just a moment,” said Princess Petronella. She clapped her hands. “Guards! Wait for me outside!”

The room emptied in seconds. It was like a forest had suddenly cleared.

“They frightened us to death,” said Nicola. “We thought they were here to kidnap us. You see, Shimlara's parents and little brother have gone missing and—”

“I know they've gone missing,” interrupted Princess Petronella.

“You do?” said Shimlara.

“Of course. That's why I'm here.”

“Do you know where they are?” asked Shimlara desperately.

“We think we do,” said the princess.

“They're alive, then? You know they're alive?”

“We
believe
they're alive,” said the princess. “Look, we're going to explain everything. That's why I'm here. To bring you back to the palace.”