Wayside School Is Falling Down (15 page)

She ducked just in time.

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Chapter 24

Another Story About Potatoes

Joe was next in line. He had forgotten his lunch.

“And what would you like, Joe?” asked Miss Mush.

“What do you have?” Joe asked.

“Potato salad,” said Miss Mush.

“Anything else?” asked Joe.

“No, just potato salad,” said Miss Mush.

Mrs. Jewls had made Miss Mush throw away the rest of the Mushroom Surprise, and she made Miss Mush promise never to make it again.

“Okay, I’ll have potato salad,” said Joe.

Miss Mush smiled. She scooped a large glop of potato salad out of the vat and plopped it on Joe’s paper plate.

Sharie was next in line. She had also forgotten her lunch.

“And what would you like, Sharie?” asked Miss Mush.

“What do you have?” asked Sharie.

“Potato salad.”

“What else is there?” asked Sharie.

“Nothing,” said Miss Mush.

“Okay,” said Sharie. “I’ll have that.”

“Potato salad?” asked Miss Mush.

“No, nothing,” said Sharie.

Joe was the only one who ordered the potato salad. Everyone else ordered nothing.

He slid his paper plate over to the cash register and paid for his lunch. Then he went to the ketchup and mustard table.

He looked at the grayish-white mound on his plate. He thought it needed more color. He squirted squiggly lines of mustard all over it. Then he added several dollops of red ketchup.

“That’s very pretty, Joe,” said Bebe. “I didn’t know you were such a good artist.”

“Thanks,” said Joe. He looked for a place to sit.

“Hey, Joe! Over here!” called John.

Joe sat next to him. “Hi, pal,” he said.

“Hi, good buddy,” replied John.

They were best friends.

John had brought his lunch. He looked at Joe’s potato salad covered with yellow squiggles and red polka dots. “That’s very colorful,” he said.

“Thanks,” said Joe.

They both stared at it.

“I wonder what it tastes like,” said John.

“Who knows?” said Joe.

“There’s plenty more potato salad!” called Miss Mush. “Who wants seconds?”

Nobody wanted seconds of potato salad. Several kids went back for seconds of nothing, but soon Miss Mush ran out of nothing.

Finally Joe picked up his plastic fork and stuck it into the glop.

“What does it feel like?” asked John.

“Lumpy and gooey,” said Joe. He dragged his fork over the mound, swirling the mustard and ketchup together. “Kind of spongy, too.” The colors mixed with the potato salad. It turned a pale orange.

“It looks like a face,” said John.

Joe laughed. He shaped it so it would look even more like a face. He piled up some potato salad in the center, giving it a nose.

John had a plastic spoon. He dug out two holes for the eyes, then made eyebrows.

“That’s good,” said Joe. He gave it a big smiling mouth.

John made long, pointy ears.

They both laughed at their creation.

“I wonder what it tastes like,” said John.

“Who knows?” said Joe.

They stared at it.

“It kind of looks familiar,” said John. “Like somebody I know.”

“Who?” asked Joe.

“I’m not sure,” said John.

Joe noticed it, too. “It does look familiar,” he agreed.

“I’ve seen that face somewhere before,” said John.

“Me too,” said Joe.

The smile on the potato salad abruptly turned into a frown.

“Wow, did you see that?” asked Joe.

John’s eyes filled with terror. “I—I just figured out who it looks like,” he whispered.

“Who?” asked Joe.

“Mrs. Gorf.”

The potato salad laughed.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” said Mrs. Gorf. “Now I’ll get you! You think you’re so cute, don’t you! Well, you won’t get away from me this time!”

She wiggled her ears, first her right one, then her left.

“Quick, Joe!” said John. “Eat her!”

The two boys dug their plastic utensils into the potato salad and shoveled it into their mouths as fast as they could.

Joe swallowed the final mouthful.

“Whew!” said John. “That was close.”

Joe rubbed his belly and sighed.

They both stared at the empty plate.

“You know, Joe,” said John, “that didn’t taste too bad.”

“It was pretty good,” Joe agreed.

They went back for seconds.

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Chapter 25

A Story That Isn’t About Socks

It was class picture day. The children were all dressed up in their best clothes.

Stephen came to school wearing a three-piece suit: gray trousers, a gray vest, and a gray jacket. Underneath his vest was a white shirt and a red-and-gold-striped tie. On his feet were hard, black, shiny shoes.

He was very handsome.

The other kids laughed when they saw him.

“You’ve worn lots of silly costumes,” said Bebe, “but this is the silliest one yet!”

Bebe was wearing yellow shorts, a red shirt with white polka dots, and a floppy green hat.

Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell. “Settle down!” she said.

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The children settled in their seats. Stephen remained standing.

“Look at Stephen,” said Maurecia. “His jacket is the same color as his pants.”

“They’re supposed to be the same color,” Stephen tried to explain. “It’s a suit. And they’re not called pants, they’re called
trousers
.”

“Ooooooh,” said Maurecia. “Can you go swimming in your suit?”

“No,” said Stephen.

“I can go swimming in my suit,” said Maurecia.

Maurecia had on a black-and-white-striped bikini.

“I’m sure Stephen’s suit is good for other things,” said Mrs. Jewls.

“It is,” said Stephen.

“Like what?” asked Todd.

“Standing around and looking important,” said Stephen.

“What about sitting?” asked Todd.

“No, I’m not supposed to sit,” said Stephen. “The suit might get wrinkled. I’m just supposed to stand around and look important.”

“Oh,” said Todd.

Todd was wearing white shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and sunglasses.

Deedee crawled across the floor to Stephen so she could get a better look at his shoes. “They’re so shiny!” she said. “I can see myself.” She knocked on one of his shoes with her fist. “They’re hard, too!”

“Deedee, get up,” said Mrs. Jewls.

Deedee stood up. She had on a black T-shirt that came down to her knees. In the middle of the shirt was a red heart. Above the heart in sparkling silver and gold letters it said LOVE GODDESS.

“I bet they’re good for kickball, huh, Stephen?” she asked. “Since they’re so hard.”

“No,” said Stephen. “I can’t run in them. And they hurt my feet.”

“Then why do you wear them?” asked Deedee.

“Because they’re uncomfortable,” Stephen explained. “You have to wear uncomfortable shoes if you want to look important.”

“Oh,” said Deedee.

“What’s that thing around your neck?” asked Paul.

“It’s a tie,” said Stephen.

“Does it keep your neck warm?” asked Paul.

“No,” said Stephen.

“Does it hold your shirt on?” asked Paul.

“No,” said Stephen.

“Well, what’s it for?” asked Paul.

“It chokes me,” said Stephen.

“Oh,” said Paul.

“The more it chokes me, the better I look,” Stephen explained. “See?” He tightened his tie.

“Oh, yeah,” said Paul. “You look real handsome.”

Paul was wearing cowboy-and-Indian pajamas.

Stephen pulled his tie tighter. “Now how do I look?” he asked.

“Wow, you look great!” said D.J. “Pull it tighter!”

Stephen pulled his tie even tighter. “How’s this?” he gasped.

“You look great and very important,” said D.J.

D.J. was wearing a toga made out of his bed sheet.

“Pull it tighter!” said Bebe.

Stephen pulled on his tie. He could no longer breathe.

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“Tighter!” everyone yelled.

Stephen pulled it even tighter. His eyes bulged and his nose turned blue. He had never been more handsome.

“Tighter!” they all shouted.

Stephen pulled his tie so hard that he ripped it in half.

“Ohhhhhhhhh,” the whole class groaned.

“Darn!” said Stephen. “Now I’m not great and important anymore.”

“Yes you are, Stephen,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You’re just as great and important as you ever were.”

“I am?” Stephen asked.

“Certainly,” said Mrs. Jewls. “The tie didn’t make you important. It doesn’t matter what you wear on the outside. It’s what’s underneath that counts.”

“Underneath?” asked Stephen.

“Yes,” said Mrs. Jewls. “If you want to be great and important, you have to wear expensive underpants.”

“Oh,” said Stephen.

Mrs. Jewls had on a flowered tank top and a grass skirt.

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