We Dine With Cannibals (13 page)

He shook hands with their whole group. Oliver and Celia thought they saw a knowing glance pass
between Sir Edmund and the mayor. Oliver and Celia knew a thing or two about knowing glances. They exchanged them with each other all the time.

Sometimes the knowing glance meant “Are we really going to watch this?” and sometimes it meant “I can't believe how many commercial breaks there are in this show,” and sometimes it meant “On the count of three we are going to jump over this pit of scorpions.” But when adults gave each other knowing glances, it always meant trouble for the Navel twins.

Two black Mercedes town cars sliced through the crowd. The mayor gestured to them.

“For you, Mr. Brandt,” the mayor said.

Corey Brandt thanked the mayor and went to the first car. The mayor directed Sir Edmund, Dr. Navel, and the twins toward the second car.

“Hey, why don't you take one of those?” Oliver called out, pointing at the motorcycle taxis. The drivers all smiled and revved their engines. “It'd be a much cooler entrance into town. I could film it for you!”

Dr. Navel looked at his son in surprise. Oliver was showing excitement about something that wasn't on television.

Corey Brandt, however, did not look excited about the idea.

“Why don't you two come ride with me?” he suggested. “That'd be even more fun than riding some—” He didn't even have a chance to finish his sentence before Celia was climbing into the black Mercedes.

“But he rides a motorcycle in the opening credits,” Oliver said to himself, a little confused. He followed his sister.

“There's a TV in here,” Celia exclaimed. The mayor, Sir Edmund, and their father climbed into the second car and they pulled away from the dock as the seaplanes started their engines and took off again, leaving a long wake in the smooth waters of the Amazon.

“So, you're fans of my work?” Corey Brandt asked, pouring them all Diet Cokes from the minibar in the back of the car.

“Yeah,” Oliver said as he sipped on the fizzy drink and tried to get the small television to work.

“You too?” Corey asked Celia.

“I … um …”

“My sister liked you better in
Sunset High
than in
Agent Zero
, but we both like
The
Celebrity
Adventurist
,” Oliver said. Oliver couldn't believe his sister was letting him do so much of the talking. She was usually the talker. It must have been the shock of sixth grade, or maybe the change in climate in South America.

“I wanted to ask you two—,” Corey started to say, but just then Madam Mumu's latest hit single, “Funky Bookmobile,” blared through the car.

“
I'd show you something new, but your book is overdue …
”

“Hold on a sec,” Corey said, and pulled out his cell phone. “You got Corey!” He even smiled when he answered the phone. “Uh-huh … Uh-huh … Uh-huh … No way! … Impossible. I'm in South America right now, with the Navels. Yes, I guarantee we'll talk later. Ciao.” He hung up again. “Sorry,” he told the twins. “I thought ninth-grade algebra was hard, but just
being
Corey Brandt is a full-time job. Sometimes I wish I could—” His phone rang again.

“
I'd show you something new, but your book is overdue
 
…
”

“You got Corey,” he answered it. While he argued with somebody on the other end of the phone,
Oliver watched the muddy town pass by the car windows.

Celia stared at the star. She couldn't believe she was riding in a car with Corey Brandt! In person, he looked older than on TV, probably because he wasn't wearing makeup. She liked seeing him in a way none of the other girls in her class had. She felt special.

“Sorry,” Corey said as he hung up the phone again. “I just wanted to tell you two that I really think it's great that you get to have all these adventures. I mean, having Dr. Ogden Navel as your father! You two must have, like, the best time ever. What's your favorite country? India? Tibet?”

“Tibet was full of dangerous—,” Oliver started.

“Oh,
snap
!” Corey Brandt shouted. “You've been to Tibet! I'm so jealous! I've always dreamed of going there, but you know, with
Sunset High
 and
Agent Zero
and now
The
Celebrity
Adventurist
, there's just never time. Plus my mom, she'd
never
let me go. Can you believe it? Me? Corey Brandt? I mean, I'm sixteen now, you know? So was Tibet, like,
spiritual
? Was it amazing? Did you meet a lama?”

“Yeah, but he tried to kill—,” Oliver started.

“It was great,” Celia interrupted him. “It was … like …
sooo
spiritual.”

Oliver gave her a knowing glance of his own, one with raised eyebrows and a questioning look, but she ignored him. Just as she was trying to think of something else to say about Tibet that didn't involve killer witches, murderous lamas, or their mother's secret society, the car arrived at the hotel.

Calling it a hotel, however, was an exaggeration. It looked more like a haunted house. In fact, many of the citizens of Benjamin Constant believed that it was haunted. It had been the mansion of a wealthy rubber baron over a hundred years ago.

Rumor had it that cannibal tribes in the jungle beyond the town didn't like him taking the rubber from their trees, so they broke into the house and ate him and his entire family. It was said that late at night you could hear the ghosts of the rubber baron and his family groaning, doomed forever to live in the house where they had been turned into a feast for cannibals.

That story didn't bother Oliver and Celia,
though. As they pulled up to the mansion, they looked right up to the roof and saw the most glorious sight: a shining round satellite dish pointed at the sky. Oliver was out of the car before it had even stopped.

“Excuse me.” Celia smiled an apology at Corey Brandt, snatched up her backpack, and ran off after her brother. If he got to the television first, she'd never get to pick what she wanted to watch.

OLIVER AND CELIA
ran right through the foyer of the crumbling mansion, which now served as the lobby, and bounded up the grand winding staircase, with its frayed red carpeting, to the suite at the top of the stairs.

“The suite is for Mr. Brandt!” the manager called after them, but Oliver and Celia weren't listening. They burst through the doors and raced for the table next to the couch where the remote control was resting. Oliver was ahead, with Celia, who was much faster up the stairs, chasing close behind. She saw that Oliver would make it first, so she dove and tackled him around the ankles.

“Ow!” he shouted as he crashed to the floor.
Celia sprang over him and grabbed the remote in a dive roll, landing on her behind with the device pointed straight at the TV.

“Ha!” she said, preparing to turn the TV on, when it snapped on, apparently by itself. “What the—”

“Universal remote,” Oliver smirked, waving their remote control from home in the air. In his other hand he held the hollowed-out book. He'd carried the remote to South America in secret. The universal remote would work on any television in the world. Celia wondered why she hadn't thought of that.

Oliver tuned the TV to the Game Show Network.
Name That Vegetable
was on. Celia used her remote to switch it to the Décor Channel to watch
House Heroes
. Oliver changed it to Cartoon Classics One. Celia changed it back to
House Heroes
. Oliver changed it to the Cooking Channel. Celia put it back to
House Heroes.

“I want to watch
House Heroes
. They're giving a family a new house after their last one blew up.”

“That's the boringest show in the world,”
Oliver complained. He changed it back to
Name That Vegetable
.

“Is not.” Celia flipped it back. A computer graphic showed someone dropping a Velma Sue's snack cake into a bathtub, causing a disastrous flood.

Oliver changed it to cartoons. Celia changed it back. Flood, cartoons, flood, cartoons, flood.

“This is never going to work,” Celia said. “If we're going to watch anything, we'll have to cooperate.”

“Sure,” Oliver said. “You say that now. You didn't want to cooperate when you tackled me.”

“Well, things have changed.”

“They sure have. Why are you so weird around Corey Brandt?”

“I'm not weird,” Celia snapped. “You're weird.” She did her best impression of Oliver. “
Hey, Corey, I think you're so great in whatever and can you tell me about thingamajig and I just loved you in blah-blah-blah …
”

“You can't blah-blah-blah
Agent Zero
!”

“I can blah-blah-blah whatever I want.”

“Well at least I didn't get all gushy and mushy and ooo-la-la-y.”

“I did
not
get all gushy and mushy and ooo-la-la-y.”

“
Oh, Corey!
” Oliver danced around, doing his impression of Celia in a singsong falsetto. “
Tibet was like … sooo spiritual! Nobody tried to kill us or get us to find the Lost Library or make us fight a yeti. We should go there. … We could fall into a pit together … a deep spiritual pit!
”

“
Hey Corey, hey Corey, hey Corey!
” Celia stood up to jump around like an eager puppy, which is how she thought Oliver was acting. “
Hey Corey, pay attention to me! I think you're the coolest. Will you be my friend? Will you do a backflip? Wanna ride motorcycles? Wanna play dodgeball? Hey Corey, hey Corey, hey Corey!
”

“I was not like that.”

“Yes you were.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“I don't think either of you were like that,” said Corey Brandt, leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed like an ad in a magazine. An ad for cool.

Both children turned as red as boiled beets.

“You … were … standing … there … ?” Celia gasped. “The … whole … time?”

“Don't worry about it,” Corey said, strolling into the room. “You wouldn't believe how crazy people get around me sometimes, just because I'm, like, superfamous. But that's just TV. I'm a totally normal guy. I actually wanted to ask you something before we go into the jungle. I wonder if I could see the—”

“
I'd show you something new, but your book is overdue …
” The words to “Funky Bookmobile” blasted through the room.

“Hold on a sec,” Corey said as he pulled out his cell phone. “You got Corey.” He stepped back out into the hall. “I told you not to call me here …”

Just then, Dr. Navel and Sir Edmund came into the room arguing.

“We cannot simply enter the Javari Valley without proper permits!” Dr. Navel shouted. “There are uncontacted tribes living there. They have never seen an outsider before. They have a right to their privacy!”

“Nonsense!” Sir Edmund shouted.

“We'll get them to sign privacy-release forms,” Corey Brandt called from the hallway.

Sir Edmund rolled his eyes.

“I have a duty as a scientist,” Dr. Navel said. “I must respect those cultures who choose not to contact the outside world. I know it means nothing to you, but true explorers have a code of ethics.”

“Oh, you can stuff your ethics!” Sir Edmund retorted. “Cannibals don't care about your ethics. One shot from their poison darts and your ethics won't mean a thing.”

“We do not know that they are cannibals,” Dr. Navel said.

“Cannibals?” Oliver gulped, looking sideways at Celia.

“Why don't you go to the museum and do some research then?” Sir Edmund mocked Dr. Navel. “Go look into your stuffy books. The rest of us will go into the jungle and make TV magic.”

“Since when do you care about TV magic?” said Dr. Navel.

“I have always loved TV magic! Isn't that true, children? I watched the television with you all summer, did I not?”

Just as Oliver and Celia were not very good at adventuring, Sir Edmund was not very good at watching television. During their time with him, they had stayed in the fanciest hotels, which had a lot of TV channels. Even so, Celia made them watch reruns of
Love at 30,000 Feet
.

Sir Edmund was always asking who people were and why they were doing whatever they were doing. He forgot the answers almost as soon as Celia told him. He couldn't tell Captain Sinclair and Copilot Rogerson apart, and every time the Duchess in Business Class fainted, Sir Edmund would tell a story about a real duchess in Norway who was narcoleptic. Then he would explain that narcoleptics were people with a condition that caused them to fall asleep with no warning all the time. By the time he finished his story, they'd have missed half the episode and something else would be coming on.