Weird and Witty Tales of Mystery (15 page)

"Nen, vay suddenity, dissa daughter say: 'I fink you ki' my husban', so
you can rob! I hev you arres'.'

"An' she go to magistrate an' mek petition. Say her fadder-mudder to
ki' her husban'. Her fadder-mudder bofe vay indignant; but was putta in
jai'.

"Magistrate examine case, assa many quishuns, search bofe dissa
house—but can't fine who mudder dissa merchan'. Fadder-mudder-in'-aw
say, 'We innocent.' Daughter say, 'You liars!' Her parents med
declaration, 'I doan' hed mudder to any person.' Two mont's go by.
Can't fine who mudder. Nen daughter petition to supere court; say dissa
magistrate doan' know how fine who mudder. Supere court send word, 'You
doan' fine who mudder in six mont's—deglade yo' lank.' Dissa China way
to mek law.

"We', dissa magistrate, whatta he do? Doan' like getta deglade; dissa
spoi' his whole life. Say hisse'f: 'I vay detest to get deglade. Mus'
go mek detectif—fine who mudder.' Nex' day left his court, and go mek
long trivvle—ole dress up like a fortune-tayer."

"Like a fortune-teller?"

"Yeh; fortune-tayer. Vay low common in China. Go roun' wif ole kine bad
peoples.

"Magistrate look jussa somma poh fortune-taye. Nen go on load an'
trivvle—trivvle vay far. Eve'y tem shee a man look lika somma bad man,
try mek frien's wif him. But no can fine who mudder. Long tem
trivvle—'way intehuh China; but no can fine anyone knows about dissa
case. Say hisse'f: 'Pitty soon I getta discoulagement. Two mont's maw
getta deglade, getta disglace! I doan' know I ki' hisse'f!'

"One day was stag' 'long load; getta 'mos' exhaus'. Bofe sides load was
high heels, no house. Kep' on, on; semma heels; semma no house; mus'
lie down in load wifout any subber, wifout any dlink. Dissa magistrate
begin getta desplate. Nen he finks, 'I play to Gaw an' my ancestors.'
So begin play lika diss: 'O Gaw, O my ancestors, givva me res'; givva
me foo'; givva me wadder! Nen I kip on fawever fine who ki' Jan Han
Sun.' Nen magistrate stag' 'long few steps, an' dlop down on big lock.
No
can
any fudder.

"Pitty soon look roun'; shee litty light shine from winnidow. Dissa was
littyoshantyhouse—vay poh look—"

"Littyoshantyhouse?"

"Litty—ole—shanty—house!

"We', magistrate to lock at daw. Come to daw littyoneddy—"

"Little old what?"

"Litty—ole—neddy!

"Dissa oneddy she was vay ole, vay feeble. He tole her: 'Please,
oneddy, you givva me kunderness let me go slip in yo' house to-night! I
'mos' died. No subber, no wadder—'mos' exhaus'!' Oneddy tole him:
'Walks in; walks in! But you mus' kip vay quier, my de-ah sir; as quier
as can be! My son is dreffel differcut man. His profussion was highrob.
He getta home minnernight; an' you doan' kip quier, I fred he to strike
you!' But magistrate say: 'I too tire' to getta scare'. You nedda me
stay wif you.'

"So oneddy giva him to eat, an' show him to go slip unner tabuh in
katchen. Nen he lie down, an' play once more his ancestors an' Gaw:
'You he'p me oleleddy; I kip plomise. Nou he'p me somma maw—I fine who
mudder.' Nen go slip.

"Bye-bye was dleam 'bout gleen moudens, gleen wadder. Hear' spi'its
say, 'I wi' assist you.' Ole dissa vay good sign. Suddinity was wek up
from his slip, and shaw oneddy stand befaw him—ole in dark. She say:
'My son come home in vay good humours. Say lak mek yo' acquaintenance.'
Dissa tem was minnernight. Magistrate craw' out from unner tabuh, an'
fonnow oneddy in nex' loom. Heah was Chan Tow, dissa highrob. Was fee'
in vay good tempiniment to-night—hedda jus' rob litty gir' her
earlings."

"It made him very happy to have stolen earrings from a little girl?"

"Oh, yeh. Earlings med jay-stone.

"We', Chan Tow he vay denight to shee dissa fortune-tayer. Mek put
hisse'f down to tabuh, eat subbah wif him, an' mek oneddy hop 'long
getta ole bes' was in oshantyhouse. Chan Tow say: 'My de-ah sir, I am
exceediny denight to shee you. We bofe about sem profussions: you
fortune-tayer; I was highrob.' Nen bofe eat, dlink long tem, an' Chan
Tow tay ole about his shucshess in binniziz."

"You mean business?"

"Yeh; binniziz.

"Tay ole about his binniziz. Tay how stea' watch from 'Me'ican
missiolary man. Tay how—"

"How did he steal the watch from the American missionary?"

"We', somma lika dis: Chan Tow was vay stlong man, but vay litty meat
on his boles. One day shee missiolary man come 'long load. Hedda
watch-chain hang out. Chan Tow lie down in load, an' begin kick an'
scleam ole semma sick white woman. Missiolary man was vay sympafy, an'
tole him, 'Whatta is?' Chan Tow say: 'Much vay sick! Much vay sick! You
no he'p me home I getta died! You tekka me home I mek good Chrisinjin
boy!' Missiolary man vay good man; say hisse'f: 'Gaw sen' me dissa man
mek convict to Chrisinjanity. I he'p him!' So tek up Chan Tow in his
arm to tek home. Chan Tow kep' gloan, gloan,—an' ole dissa tem was put
his han' in missiolary his pocket an' stea' dissa watch! Nen Chan Tow
kep' hang on missiolary his neck an' say hisse'f: 'I lika dissa to ride
better I lika to walk. I letta dissa missiolary man ca'y me jusso far
he can.' So missiolary man stag' long tem 'long load, an' kep' sweat,
sweat—semma lika glass ice-wadder; an' Chan Tow kep' gloan semma like
ole barn daw."

"Chan Tow kept groaning like an old barn door, and the missionary man
kept perspiring like a glass of ice-water?"

"Oh, no! Missiolary man sweat. Bye-bye, hedda ca'y dissa highrob two
miles—'way down vanney, 'way up heel. Nen missiolary man lose ole his
breffs, an' begin to gaps. He say, 'Mus' res'; mus' putta you down!'
Chan Tow kep' gloan, an' say: 'You putta me down I doan' know I die.
Mus' getta home!' Missiolary man say: 'Can't he'p—I 'mos' exhaus'.'
Nen dissa highrob jump down vay well, an' say: 'We', I mus' getta home.
I walk ressa way—leave you to res'. Goo'-by!' Nen run fas' he can down
dissa heel.

"Missiolary man stay look him run, an' kep' fink ole tem. Nen say
hisse'f: 'I fink dissa man inshinsherity. I lose ole dissa tem wif him!
Whatta tem it is?' Nen he search his watch. 'Oh, my! No watch; no
convict! Dissa vay bad day!"

The Chinese grins with the greatest pleasure.

"We', magistrate an' highrob kep' tay ole 'bout expelunces in
binniziz."

"
Business!
"

"Yeh;
binniziz
.

"Kep' tay ole about binniziz. Bye-bye pea-oil light go out. Oneddy
craw' up on bed an' go slip. Nen two men stay an' smoke pipe—ole dark.
Magistrate closs his legs an' say, ole lika he doan' care: 'Missa
Highrob, dissa light go out mek me remin' whatta habben Tsan Ran Foo.
You heard about dissa case? Man nem Jan Han Sun go home his wife—no
can fine who mudder.' Chan Tow smi' vay plou',
[1]
an' say: 'Oh, my
de-ah brudder, I know ole 'bout dissa case. I was to shee dissa man
getta ki' in his own houses.'

"Magistrate dlaw glate big breff frough his pipe. Swallow smoke clea'
down his stomach! Mek big cough—nearny cough his top head off!—an'
wek oneddy! Nen he say: 'We', we'! You good dea' maw wise dissa
magistrate Tsan Ran Foo. I hea' he was deglade his rank. Cannot fine
who mudder!'

"Chan Tow say: 'Dissa magistrate mus' come fine me. No one ess can tay
him. I tay you ole about dissa mudder. You lika hea'?' Magistrate say:
'We', I vay tire'. But lika hea' you talk better I lika go slip, my
de-ah sir!' Dissa mek highrob vay plou', an' he begin lika dis:

"'One day shaw horse-carry-chair trivvle 'long load. Shaw feet stick
out—vay nice feet; mus' be lich man. So fonnow him. He hev big backage
go' an' sivver, but eve'y tem go subbah mus' oleways shet hisse'f on
top dissa backage. Fonnow him long tem—severow weeks. But cannot stea'
from him. Bye-bye he reach his home Tsan Ran Foo, an' go to respec' his
mudder-fadder-in-'aw; nen go fine his wife. Dissa tem was
minnernight—vay dark. Fink was good tem to stea' from him, an' getta
his go' an' sivver. So kep' fonnow 'long load. When he getta his house
he lock long tem at his daw, but was no answer. Nen say, vay loud:
"De-ah wife, letta me in! I am yo' de-ah husban' come home." So bye-bye
was daw open, an' his wife come say: "O my de-ah husban'! so denight to
shee you!" Nen ole dark.

"'Nen I go roun' back his house. Getta long bamboo po', an' putta dissa
po' up 'gainst house to shin up dissa loof. Nen cut with knife a litty
roun' ho' frough loof, an' look down into dissa house. Can look down
into loom, an' shee ole whatta was habben.

"'Vay soon Jan examine tabuh; say: "O my de-ah wife, whatta faw you
setta dissa tabuh for two peoples? You have compaly?" Wife say: "O my
de-ah husban', eve'y tem since you go 'way I setta dissa tabuh faw two
peoples—you and me—jussa semma you heah!" Jan smi' vay plou,' an'
say, "You are shinsherny
[2]
my de-ah wife!"—was mak fee' vay good.

"'Nen his wife tole him: "Now we hev jubinee; eat, dlink—mek me'y
tem!" So I lie on top dissa loof, vay dly, vay hunger; an' ole tem shee
her husban' eat subbah an' kip dlink, dlink, an' kiss his wife, an'
dlink, an' getta maw an' maw intoshcate. Bye-bye was so intoshcate mus'
go slip. Nen his wife he'p him go bed, an' he begin snow.'"

"How's that?"

"Begin snow—snowul—snole! Begin snole!"

"It began to snow?"

"On, no; I tay you. Dissa merchan' begin mekka lika dis." Fuey makes a
sound that is unmistakable.

"'We', nen look shee whatta dissa woman go do. She go to hooks on wa',
an' tek down lot her dresses. Nen I shee man step out. Dissa woman
whisper to him: "Shee my husban' slip. He bling back glate many go' and
sivver! You love me, you tekka dissa sharp knife and ki' him. Nen we
getta marry begedder to-morrow, an' mek habby tem."

"'Her beau say: "Oh, no. I fred ki' him. Fred I get behead." An' nen
dissa woman getta vay mad wif him, an' say: "You doan' ki' him, I tekka
dissa knife an' chot op yo' head op, instamentty!" Nen he begin tek off
his mine—'"

"Took off his mind?"

"Yeh," says Fuey; "I do' know dissa word—semma you tek off yo' clo's."

"Changed his mind?"

"Yeh."

"'Begin to tek off—chenge his mine—an' say: "How I ki' him?" Woman
say: "You tekka dissa sharp knife."

"'Nen he clep up to dissa bed, his eye ole stick from his head. When he
getta where dissa mer-out chan' slip, an' snow, snow, ole semma hev
good dleam, dissa beau mek like was to chenge his mine 'gain; but dissa
woman whisper: "Quick! Quick!"—an' nen ole sudden dissa beau stlike.
Nen Jan Han Sun was died—instamentty!

"'Dissa woman begin rip up flaw. Her beau he'p her ole he can, an' work
vay hard, fas'—fred somebody come. Kep' look roun'. An' eve'y tem
pea-oil light flicker, look roun' to shee who was. Ole tem stop to hol'
his ear on flaw—shee who come. Flaw rip up; nen go getta shover an'
dig long ho' in earf, unnerneaf dissa bed. Nen vay quick shover back
ole dissa earf, fix flaw, an' blow out light.

"'Ole tem I stay up dissa loof. Vay hunger—no wadder; an' cannot rob
dissa merchan' becose he dead! Getta vay disgussion. Light go out, I
hang foot over' side dissa loof, an' begin fink. Maw I fink, maw getta
disgussion. Bye-bye getta
vay, vay
disgussion. Nen tek dissa bamboo
po' to shove frough dissa ho' in loof—vay quier. When he shove frough,
nen I ole suddenity begin push, jab, shove—quick—ole semma churn
budder. Down below woman an' her beau begin squea', squea', ole semma
rat! 'Most scare' to def! Nen I shin down loof—run 'way.'"

Fuey draws a long breath, and smiles at me his calm, celestial smile.

"We', Chan Tow finis' his sto'y. Magistrate was ole tem smoke big
clou's smoke, an' mek loom look lika was on fire. Mek oneddy wek up an'
open daw. When Chan Tow finis', magistrate say: 'My de-ah brudder de
highrob, yo' sto'y vay intinesse, vay intinesse! I fink I go slip.' So
ole thlee was lie down to go slip, an' Chan Tow was tek his op' pipe
an' begin smoke opi'. Whatta you say—hurt de pipe?"

"Hit the pipe."

"Oh, yeh; hit pipe. I doan' spe'k Ingernish vay we'.

"Magistrate wet long tem. Bye-bye oneddy begin to snow, an' nen bye-bye
Chan Tow getta doan' know."

"Chan Tow got
don't know
?"

"Getta ole semma was died. Doan' know."

"Unconscious?"

"Yeh; uh-uh-coshious!" sneezes Fuey.

"Nen magistrate begin craw' 'long on his stoamch—inchy—inchy—cross
flaw—out daw. Nen run fas' he can towards Tsan Ran Foo.

"One mont' go by, an' magistrate sit up in his high chair in his court.
Befron him dissa woman an' her beau,—ole cover wif mark dissa bamboo
po',—an' dissa fadder-mudder-in-'aw, an' dissa highrob. Magistrate
say, vay slow—ole semma idol talk: '
Dissa—woman—her lover—are
convert—to behead—by hev dey heads cut off—till dey dead!
What you
fink, woman?' Woman say: 'Yo' Excennency, I vay gnad to be behead wif
my de-ah lover. I vay satisfaction we behead begedder. Our spi'its
begedder habby fo'ever.' Nen she turn kiss her beau; but he too scare
to spe'k. An' bofe was tek out to behead—dissa woman ole tem to mek to
kiss her beau.

"Magistrate say to highrob: 'You know me? Who eata subbah wif you
sucha-sucha night?' Chan Tow say, 'O yo' Excennency, I doan' know who
was!' Magistrate say: 'I was dissa man. I glate t'anks faw you. Awso
dissa fadder-mudder-in-'aw dissa dead man. Gaw sen' me to yo' house to
mek you instlument to convert dissa mudderers. I give you good
position; awso money."

"And that was how these criminals were
converted
?" I say, remembering
the promise of the story.

"Yeh; convert to behead. Dissa case," concluded Fuey, "show how Gaw can
convert cliliman when he wish; show how Gaw is glate. I tay you China
peoples not heeffen. China 'ligion teach to try to affection one
anudder; respec' yo' parents; an' charity an' pure moral. If people do
right I fink he shall be saved."