What If (11 page)

“Why are you stopping here?” I ask when Brady pulls his Jeep up to the curb.

“Dude, your house isn’t that far. Get out,” Brady demands. “I have to pick up Rae from Nina’s. She needs rescuing, and you’re too drunk to stand, so it’s up to me to save her.”

“I can come—”

“No. You need to go fall on your face in your bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, I get out of his Jeep.

“Hey,” Brady calls, getting my attention. “We fucking graduated!” he hollers with his fist in the air as he drives away. I laugh and watch him speed off down the street. My lids are heavy and everything is moving a little more slowly than it should. I concentrate on my steps along the sidewalk.

There’s a dinging in my head. I try to shake it out, but it keeps chiming. That’s when I notice Mr. Bentley’s Lincoln in the driveway with the door open. That’s such an annoying noise.

“You need to calm down.” Mr. Bentley’s low voice carries out of the house through the open window. “Getting this upset isn’t going to make things better.”

“Don’t touch me!” Nicole screams at him.

I’ve stopped walking. I can’t see anything from where I’m standing behind the car in the driveway. But it’s hard for me to focus anyway. I sigh. “Overreacting just a little, Nicole,” I mumble. “Kyle’s a douche. You’re better off without him.”

Who am I talking to? I shake my head. I’m about to start toward my house again when the sound of shattering glass turns me back around.

I jolt awake with the echoes of breaking glass still in my head. Blinking, I slowly ease out of the night after graduation and return to the confines of the plane taking us back home for the holiday break.

“You okay?” Rae asks, eyeing me carefully.

“Yeah,” I reply. The fragmented memory fades with the dream. I still don’t know what really happened that night.

Rae goes back to reading the issue of
Rolling Stone
spread on her tray table.

I press my forehead against the window and watch the clouds pass below us. I grin, reminded of Nyelle. She disappeared again. We didn’t see her after that night at the silo. I’d say I was used to it, but I’m not.

“She kind of reminds me of Richelle,” Rae says. “The way she gets excited about the dumbest things.”

I let out a small laugh at the comparison. “Yeah, I guess.” Rae didn’t want to talk about Nyelle after we dropped her off Saturday night. I didn’t push it. I knew she’d talk when she was ready.

“But she’s not the girl we grew up with.”

I scrunch my brow together in confusion. “You don’t think she’s Nicole?”

“I’m saying that whoever she is now is
not
Nicole. She looks a lot like her. If she didn’t have the same laugh, I might be convinced of the separated-at-birth theory. But other than that, there’s nothing left of the girl we knew—not the bitch or the princess.” Her voice is deflated. “I think we need to tell someone. Maura will know—”

“No,” I say adamantly. “Don’t say anything to my mother.”

“What?” Rae stares at me like she didn’t hear me right.

“Not yet,” I beg. “I just need a little more time.”

“For what? What are you waiting for? For her to jump off a bridge?” Rae says passionately.

“She wouldn’t—” I pause, thinking better of it. “Okay. Maybe she would. But not because she’s suicidal.”

“No, because she’s
crazy
. I’m serious. There’s something wrong with her. She didn’t even flinch when I talked about Renfield or when I brought up people she’s supposed to know. There wasn’t the tiniest tell on her face that she knew who I was talking about. It totally freaked me out.”

“What
did
you talk about?” I ask. I’ve wanted to know since the second they stepped out of the bathroom.

Rae drops her serious expression, replacing it with a teasing smirk. “You’re afraid we were talking about you, aren’t you?”

“Were you?”

“Of course we were.” Rae laughs.

“What did you say?”

“She wanted to know how many girls you’ve dated,” she says, with a taunting smile. “I told her I lost count.”

“Rae!”

She starts laughing at me. “It’s true! Do you even know how many girls you’ve been with?”

“Yes,” I reply quickly, then clench my teeth together when I can’t come up with the number right away.

“Omigod, Cal!
You
don’t even know!” Rae is laughing so hard now, she draws the attention of the man in the suit on the other side of her.

“Whatever. It’s not
that
many,” I defend. “What did
she
say?”

“She thought it was funny. Because it is.”

I groan. “Please don’t tell me that’s what you were laughing about for a half hour.”

“No.” Rae takes a breath to calm her laughter. “She asked me a million questions about… everything. She pretty much wanted to know my entire life story from when we started…”

Rae stops, her shoulders round like she’s had the wind knocked out of her.

“What just happened?”

It takes Rae a minute to say anything.

“She asked about high school. My brother. The band. You and me,” Rae answers quietly. “Basically, she wanted to know everything that’s happened to me since… we stopped being friends.”

Rae tips her head back and rests it against the seat, her jaw tight. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen Rae upset like this before. This is about the time she usually shuts herself away in her garage.

“We need to find out what happened to her,” she says quietly. “Is she still friends with Richelle? Maybe she’ll know.”

“I don’t know,” I answer. “They stayed friends in high school. But I haven’t heard from Richelle in a few years.”

“Why did she stop talking to you?” Rae says harshly. “Oh yeah, that’s right. Because you
let
her.”

“Hey! This isn’t my fault.” I’m suddenly on the defensive, and I don’t even know what I did wrong. This is the most intense conversation I’ve ever had with Rae. I have no idea how to handle this surge of emotion coming from my best friend, who was okay with shutting everyone out up until two minutes ago. She’s needing me to be her drums right now, and so if she needs to pound on me a little, I’ll let her.

Rae presses her palms over her eyes. “I know. Sorry. I’m just… angry. She was our friend. They both were. And now… I don’t know. It sucks. I hate this.”

“Why didn’t you ever talk to Richelle after she moved?” I ask, struck with the lingering guilt of letting our friendship slip away.

“Richelle and I never really
talked
,” Rae reminds me. “We… hung out. You know?”

“Right.” I nod. “Do you… still hate Nicole?”

“I never hated her,” Rae says. “I just hated who she became. And now I don’t think she even knows who she is.”

Rae takes a deep breath.

“One month, Cal.” Rae turns to me, completely serious. “You have one month to figure out what’s wrong with her before I bring Maura in on this.”

I nod. It’s not that I don’t trust my mother. I know she’ll do whatever’s right to help Nyelle. But maybe what’s right isn’t what I want. Or what Nyelle needs. Truthfully, I don’t know if I want her to get “better” if it means not being Nyelle anymore.

*     *     *

“Who’s picking us up?” Rae asks as we walk toward baggage claim.

“Devin,” I reply. She groans.

I’m pretty close with my family, despite the age differences. Sean is older by six years, and Devin by four. They had each other growing up. And I had Rae. Jules is the youngest, born five years after me. She probably would’ve been friends with Liam, except he didn’t move back until he was thirteen. And now they’re way too different. Jules is the quiet, artistic type. And Liam’s… trouble.

Rae and I were the target of my brothers’ torment whenever we crossed paths. They took pride in torturing us. It didn’t really get to me. If anything, it helped me not to give a shit whenever someone tried to humiliate me in school. Whereas Rae would fight back every chance she got. She never won. They usually ended up laughing at her. But that didn’t keep her from trying.

“You can’t
still
have an issue with Devin,” I claim, weaving through the slow-moving holiday travelers. “He hasn’t lived at home in more than two years. He has a real job now and is forced to wear a tie every day. I’m sure he’s outgrown harassing you.”

“Doubt it,” Rae grumbles.

We reach baggage claim and find Devin leaning against a post with his attention on his phone. He glances up briefly, and his eyes pass over me at first. Then he looks up again. His expression changing from confusion to surprise.

“What the hell happened to you two? I haven’t been away
that
long.”

“Not long enough,” Rae shoots back. He wraps his arm around her neck and aggressively rubs the top of her head. “Ah! Stop it!” she hollers.

“Oh, Rae. I’ve missed your smart-ass mouth,” Devin says, keeping her in the headlock until she punches him in the side. “You need to start hitting the weights if you ever expect that to hurt.”

He redirects his attention to me. “Geez, man, you’re fricken taller than Sean now. And your hair seems to have grown with you. Maybe we can get Jules to braid it for you.”

“Hey, Devin,” I say, holding out my hand, and he pulls me in for a one-armed hug with a firm pat on my back. “How’ve you been?”

“Livin’ the dream, baby.” He smirks. “Except I miss Mom’s cooking.”

“Yeah, looks like you’ve lost some weight,” I chide, knowing he’s more fit than he’s ever been.

“Dude, you’ve packed on some muscle. Finally!” He whacks me in the stomach as he leads us to the parking garage. “Been lifting?”

“Eric and I go the gym a few times a week, yeah,” I respond, rubbing the sore spot on my stomach.

Devin and Sean were different from me in every possible way growing up. They were popular in school, involved in just about everything. They’re natural athletes, excelling in every sport without an issue.

I was always lost in their shadows, sucking at sports no matter how hard I tried. So even though we’re probably about the same size now, I still feel smaller. Hell, I even
look
different, with my brown hair and hazel eyes, in contrast to their light hair and blue eyes.

“Just to warn you,
the uncles
have arrived. They’re not staying at the house, thankfully. But they’re pretty much there all the time, so it’s a fricken zoo.”

“Great,” Rae responds unenthusiastically. “I’m not going anywhere near your house until dinner tomorrow.”

We throw our things in the back of his Jetta and get in.

“Have you two figured out what dessert you’re making for tomorrow?” Devin asks, pulling out of the parking spot.

“Shit,” Rae breathes out. “I knew I forgot something.”

“Typical.” Devin reaches into his jacket and handing me a folded piece of paper.

Our family is huge—with aunts, uncles, and cousins coming to our house each year. And we only get half of them at a time. My mother is one of seven. Anytime we get together for the holidays, it’s a monumental event. To keep it from being a nightmare for her in the kitchen, we’re assigned dishes to make for dinner. Rae and I are responsible for a dessert this year. Which we aren’t prepared to make.

I open the paper Devin gave me and find a recipe. Thankfully, my mother has little faith in us. “Looks easy enough,” I say. “Seems like it’s basically just cake and pudding tossed together with whipped cream on top.”

“Thank you, Maura,” Rae praises from the backseat.

“We’ll stop by the grocery store on the way home. Sean and I are in charge of the stuffing, and there’s a few things I need to get.”

“If you screw up the stuffing, I swear I’ll hurt you,” Rae warns.

“Relax, little one.” Devin laughs. “We’ve got this. And unless you start eating whatever Cal’s been eating, we’ll always take you down.”

“Oh, I don’t need strength to get you,” Rae threatens in a low voice.

Devin flashes me look of concern out of the corner of his eye. I laugh.

*     *     *

The grocery store is worse than the airport. Last-minute shoppers crowd the aisles.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Rae complains when we walk into the bedlam. “They’ve only known that Thanksgiving was coming since
last Thanksgiving
.”

“So did you.” Devin chuckles.

“Yeah, but I’m twenty. Procrastination is considered a life skill. These are grown humans with families and shit. What the hell?”

“C’mon, Rae. Let’s get what we need before you start biting people,” Devin says, leading us through abandoned shopping carts and shoppers absently stepping out in front of us.

At the far end of the spice aisle, I spot Nicole’s mother with her smooth black hair tied back in a low bun. I nudge Rae and nod in Mrs. Bentley’s direction.

“Devin, why don’t we split up and meet back at the car,” Rae suggests, keeping her eyes locked on Mrs. Bentley.

“Yeah, sure,” he agrees. He leans in and says to me, “Keep her close.” He smirks at Rae. She sneers back.

“What should we say?” Rae asks as we start down the aisle.

“I have no idea,” I mutter. “Maybe we shouldn’t…”

Too late. We’re standing in front of her, and she’s looking at us curiously like she’s trying to place us. I want to turn around, and Rae must sense it because she grabs ahold of my elbow, digging her fingers in.

“Hi, Mrs. Bentley,” Rae says with a charming smile.

Mrs. Bentley’s eyes twitch, probably trying to decide if she should run away or return the greeting. “It’s me, Raelyn Timmons. I live on your street. I was friends with Nicole growing up.”

Mrs. Bentley’s eyes widen in recognition. She smiles sweetly. “Hi, Raelyn. My, you’ve had a little makeover. I barely recognized you.” She laughs uncomfortably.

“Yeah, it’s a phase I’m going through,” Rae replies in a mumble, squeezing my arm a little tighter. I press my lips together to keep from smiling.

“And you’re…” She looks to me, trying to come up with my name.

“Cal Logan.”

“Cal!” Mrs. Bentley says in a surprised tone. “Well, you’ve both changed so much over the years.”