‘What The Hell Was I Thinking?!!’ - Confessions of the World’s Most Controversial Sex Symbol (35 page)

The next time we touched back down in L.A., things only got worse when I was greeted walking in my door to an eviction notice. Amazingly, Matt’s check from Century Media Records arrived within the next couple days, and he wouldn’t use any of the money toward fighting it. I finally begged $300 out of him but saw from that action among many others how arrogant he was becoming, walking around with a rooster chest like a big rock star. It finally began to occur to me that I might be too good for him, which love had blinded me too up to that point. I was always a very smart woman until I fell in love…I never learned my lesson. Still, just as I had begun to feel like I was starting to see things clearly, everything went into a sudden blur. I had had what I thought was our final fight one night in early November, shortly before heading out to the Rainbow Bar and Grill on Sunset with some friends to blow off steam. Someone wound up drugging my drink that night, and while thankfully no one took advantage of the situation, I wound up barely making it home. After my ride dropped me off, I started losing consciousness as soon as I walked into the apartment, knocking over a lamp, slamming into a dresser on my way to the floor in a blackout. When I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor, I saw I’d knocked right into Matt’s laptop and knocked over one of his guitars. I felt horrible, even though it was a total accident,

knowing he wouldn’t understand. Sure enough, when I’d woken up, he’d already been home, packing his things, and greeted me with ‘ I’m leaving you, don’t want anything to do with you anymore, don’t touch my shit, I want a divorce, you fucking cunt.’ When I tried to explain what had happened, he blew me off and left me instead.

When we finally spoke a couple days after, he said he’d decided to move back to Seattle, and left me to deal with the eviction alone. Strangely, he called a couple days later from San Francisco, told me he loved me, had always felt I was his partner, knew he was wrong, and to come up to join him in Seattle. As soon as I felt we were finally getting somewhere in the relationship, just as Thanksgiving Day arrived, he pulled a complete 180 and dumped me by email. I’m sure that move was partly his parents’doing, but to have led me on like that was cruel, and my heart was broken. I spent Thanksgiving at my friend’s house, and felt just horrible and confused and completely depressed about everything. Back home, things were worse with the Eviction court date approaching on December 3rd.

I was broke with no where to live, and even though the apartment management company eventually settled with me out of court, I had to move all our belongings into storage at the last minute and couldn’t even afford a hotel to stay in till things were settled. I’d never been at a bleaker point in my life heading into the holidays. I know how good an actress I am though by the front I put up for everyone during that December. To start with, I had no car because I’d had to sell it to get Matt out of debt the year prior, so I had to rent a mini-van, where I and my four cats wound up LIVING for a few weeks. I would go into work every day at Fuse TV to film a special I was hosting for them, and would shower every morning at my work-out gym without anyone realizing I was essentially homeless. It was the scariest moment of my life; I had no sense of security because Matt had essentially taken care of me. I was lost, and remember driving up the 5 freeway toward Seattle on Christmas Eve, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but thinking there might be one more chance for us. I also bided my time transcribing an interview I’d done with King Diamond, which was the month’s only highlight. He was really cool to talk to, and it was a cover story for
Rock Brigade Magazine
, and actually ended up selling it to two other magazines as well, so it gave me some small sense of meaning during that dark, dark time. I remember I was at an internet café I worked out of a lot, one day I happened in the course of checking my MySpace email to see Matt’s page, where he’d already

changed his status from married to single. Just like that, it was over. I don’t remember driving as I processed all of this, just that I wound up by the ocean in Santa Monica, and spent Christmas alone in my cold, rented van with my four cats. I also spent New Years that way, it was the dreariest ever, because it also fell on mine and Matt’s wedding anniversary of all days! I felt like my life was going nowhere, and actually thought about killing myself again, but decided I wouldn’t give Matt the satisfaction of knowing he’d gotten the best of me.

I resolved heading into 2008 to get my life back on track without Matt, beginning with the good news that my Australia licensing advance was finally showing up, which allowed me to take a sublet in the Marina. I couldn’t rent an apartment on my own at that point because my credit was so FUCKED (Thank You, Matt), but I didn’t care, I was just grateful to be living with a roof over my head again. I had the NAMM Convention coming up later that month. I was nervous because I knew I’d invariably run into Matt for the first time since our pre-holidays split, and heard he’d been spreading lies all over town about me to our friends, claiming I’d cheated on him, playing the victim as he always did.

By the time the NAMM show arrived, I felt I’d made my case, and felt a lot better showing my face, which I was contractually obligated to do anyway, at the convention. I had interviews to do for the
Metal Scene TV Show
, and had started working for Stay Heavy TV in Brazil, as well as writing for
Rock Brigade Magazine
, in addition to my usual signings for Coffin Case, etc. So things were looking up professionally, free of the weight of Matt to drag me down. I could sign my name however I liked to, or talk to whoever I wanted to on a professional basis at the convention without worrying about his jealousy flaring up. When I finally did run into him, it surprised me both at how bad he looked which was like total shit — and at how little I cared. I just shot him the coldest stare anyone could conjure up in that moment of freedom, and could tell he felt it. He wouldn’t even look at me, let alone speak to me. It was really

good for my ego, and I celebrated by going out and partying my ass off every night of the convention. I worked as hard as I partied too, making a bunch of new connections, and feeling pretty confident I’d made the right move by letting go of such a heavy monkey on my back.

Matt responded by serving me with divorce papers at the end of January, by some fat chick that I used to help get into shows and help her pathetic ass out socially, no less. I found out Matt had been staying at her house, using her, no doubt, for a place to crash, and who knows what else. She was a fucking pig, and she had no business sticking her snout in my business.The impending divorce made life a little harder emotionally throughout February, which featured both Matt’s birthday and Valentine’s Day, and the reality of our leading separate lives hit me once and for all. There were days I was heartbroken, but there were more days when I was determined to remain resilient and rise above the lows I’d traveled with that scumbag. I knew I was better off without him, and decided to focus over the rest of the spring on getting my life back on track. I still had all sorts of legal madness to get through, and began sorting through it all by hiring a lawyer to represent me in the course of my divorce. Matt was trying to dump all our debt off on me, just as I was working through trying to let him go. I knew this time in my life was a wake-up call for me to realize the relationship was done and over with, and I knew for the first time in my heart it was time to move on.

As the spring wore on, I began the formal process of legally untangling myself from both Matt in the courts, as well as from YET ANOTHER lease, because my rental turned out to be a sublet of a sublet that was ending soon.The latter was affected by the former because my credit had been so fucked up in the course of our marriage that I couldn’t get a lease anywhere in my own name. This was such a far step down from where I thought I’d be at that point when I’d married Matt 3 years earlier. It wasn’t the first time I was cleaning up an ex-boyfriend’s messes, but I was determined this time would be the last. Word by this point had gotten out among our friends in the Hollywood social scene that we had split. So in the course of re-entering that world, my friend had flown in from Florida to see her boyfriend, Paige, lead singer/guitarist from a band, and was staying with also as for moral support while I got back on my feet. She was a stripper name Angie, and though she would later turn out to be a back stabbing bitch, or as I like to call her type: a professional groupie-in-training, initially it was nice to have the company. After she

had a falling out with Paige, he ended up dropping her things off at the Marina, and we wound up being one another’s shoulder for the last 10 days of her stay. She called herself ***Angie Disas on her MySpace page, and as time went on, I found it to be an appropriate name. I found out after she left that she had been trolling through my computer contacts and business cards looking for numbers to steal. It was a very vulnerable time in my life, and I guess that reflected in my ability to see people’s true colors at that point, but was trying to keep the faith.

With my court date in April fast approaching, I’d hired a lawyer to handle the appearance for me. I was sad to learn my hopes for recovering some of the money Matt owed me through the course of debts he’d run up during our marriage, were dashed with the news that the State of Washington tends to favor the husband financially in these types of actions. Heading into the court hearing, I had this nervous feeling in my stomach that reflected the general way I’d been feeling around then — constantly anxious, emotionally empty, and unsure of whom to trust. The break I needed came when the divorce was finalized and the judge reverted all decisions regarding the settlement of financial issues to be decided in the State of California, which I found to be a huge relief. I was actually surprisingly upbeat given the added bonus that Matt had shown up to court without an attorney and his mommy and daddy acting as his lawyer instead. I burst out laughing when I’d heard that Matt’s father was actually squabbling with the judge, wining about various financial issues I guess he’d assumed would be settled in Washington instead of California. It was a potentially huge legal victory for me, and I decided to use it as a motivation to keep the faith, and look to the future. I felt like I was engaged in a game of chess, and that Matt had just lost a big piece on his side of the board.

As April neared its end, I was busy packing to move out of my Marina sublet when the original owner of the lease actually came back into town early and walked in on us! She had no idea I had been living there, and it wasn’t until I’d explained everything that she agreed not to call the police! I grabbed up another sublet in West Hollywood, which returned me to Matt and my old stomping ground, but I looked at it in a way as glorified storage since I was leaving for Brazil in early May. I loved Brazil, and felt it would truly hold my best prospects for a new beginning, especially since things professionally were looking very promising. Brazil has a huge metal market but not a lot of celebrity veejays, and I had a pretty good following

there to build on, so I’d started writing for
Rock Brigade Magazine
and veejaying for
Stay Heavy
Metal
TV Show
, the premier metal show in South America. I posted somewhat of a thank you on MySpace when I left the states, to those who had stuck by me on my divorce from Matt which read: ‘I just wanted to say thank you to all of my fans and loved ones for their support through my divorce and the crap that also went with it. Thanks for understanding and keeping me strong. Without the love of my fans, I seriously would have hung myself. Without the love of my friends such as Amy, Angie,Tommy H. & Sickie, I never would have made it as far as I have. It is nice to know that when I was homeless & almost penniless because of Matt Wicklund (yes, the guy that dumped me after he had my unconditional love & support for years. No, I never cheated on him like he is lying to everyone to save face. Ultimately, he was just jealous that I had people who love me and admire me & stood by my side. So many great things have happened since & I will never shut my heart down to anyone. I know that many of you were concerned that this bad situation jaded me, but it has not & it never will. I hope that one day my story may inspire someone to follow their dreams and be strong. I also hope that one day my story of when my ex left me for dead & penniless & the fact that I was living in a van with our 4 cats & pulled myself up by my brastraps to better myself will inspire someone one day. I am going forward and doing an autobiography. My story needs to be told by me, not some stupid internet website that has their facts wrong. There is a reason why Rhea became Jasmin St Claire. I need to tell my story for the sole reason of hopefully changing someone’s life for the better.’

I stopped off in Miami on my way to Brazil to film some interviews for
Stay Heavy TV
, and got to spend some with my friend Mustis, the keyboardist in Dimmu Borgir, who I also saw while I was down in Florida. When I arrived in San Paulo, Brazil I felt like I’d finally escaped the craziness of L.A. and all the drama surrounding my divorce with Matt. It had been a dark cloud following me around for too long now, but here there were only blue skies, and I really felt like I was going to be given a clean slate personally. Professionally, I was focused on expanding my fan base even further with my work for Brazilian TV and
Rock Brigade Magazine
, but I also had taken work as a celebrity promoter for a booking agency, working to get Metal bands to tour Brazil. The position wasn’t a token position. I got it because of the network of contacts in the Metal world I’d built up from my work on
Metal’s Dark Side
over the years. Through my contacts with the folks at Metal Blade Records, as one example, I was successful in bringing down a number of the band’s marquee metal acts to Brazil, as well as getting their catalogs distributed in the country for the first time. Through that deal, we secured the release of the Cannibal Corpse catalog in Brazil, and in another distribution pact I brokered, we got Koch Entertainment to license Hatebreed’s catalog for release. I had first been flown there to emcee a big Metal festival, but I found myself feeling so at home I decided following a brief June trip back to L.A. to start looking for a permanent place to live in Brazil.

Once I touched down back in California summer was in full swing in West Hollywood, which as far as I’m concerned is the bottom-feeder capital of L.A. Being single among a flood of men on the prowl, I found that while I didn’t miss Matt, I actually did miss being married to someone in terms of dealing with the formerly mentioned assholes. While I’d just been in paradise, I was now in a place filled with fake, pretentious wanna-bes who drain your energy, and find out who you are and what you do and how you can help them. It’s not my type of scene, because they are not constructive people doing anything positive. It’s like a big rat race of people who couldn’t be shit except the dirt below my shoe trying to compete with me — whether professionally or personally, when women would pretend to be my friend to go after my husband. I had rescued my position at the
Metal Scene TV
show back from that bitch and former friend of mine when I resumed my veejay post with Ron Estrada. I continued working with
Stay Heavy TV
covering concerts for them around L.A. Shortly after arriving back in town, I ran into the aforementioned bottom-feeder at the Rainbow Bar & Grill, one of MY longtime local hangouts, and decided to confront her once and for all on the subject. I can’t fully describe the thrill I received from shoving her face in the bowl of clam chowder, but the laughter that erupted around me was enough validation that she had it coming. Another downer came in July when my brand new Ford Escape SUV was stolen out of my parking lot while I’d been out of town for a few days. I didn’t have full insurance on the car as I was just getting back on my feet, so I had to eat the loss, which I could NOT afford! I hadn’t had that fucking car six months. I ended up driving fucking rental cars after that when I was home in L.A., and because I traveled a lot, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been I guess, but still sucked ass — just like the trick who stole my truck!

As the summer rolled on, I was staying extremely busy, filming 4 or 5 times a week covering shows for
Metal Scene TV
, but my heart was still set on Brazil. I went back down in July to do some work for
Stay Heavy TV
, and decided while I was in town to begin my formal search for an apartment. I had to return to L.A. in August but had an agent on the hunt for me in San Paulo. Back in the States, I managed to find a lease in Marina Del Rey, which was important for me personally because it made me feel like I’d come full-circle in a way from the bottom I’d hit in my relationship with Matt. It had always been home to me since I’d first moved out to L.A., and I’d lived there for almost a decade before I’d lost my apartment during my marriage. Reclaiming that part of my life meant something to me because it was the first I’d ever attained after moving to this city as a nobody, almost 15 years earlier, but it wasn’t just materialistic. It was just a beautiful place, it was quiet and calm, and didn’t have that whole Hollywood crowd mentality, and I’d always felt drawn to it.

With my personal and professional life getting back on track, I picked up another writing gig that summer working for
Cover Guitarra
, the biggest guitar magazine in Brazil, reviewing the metal scene in the States and writing a column. I also began working for Poland’s Hard Rocker Magazine, which also had a huge following throughout Eastern Europe. It made me feel good to know my fan base was alive and well throughout both Europe and South America, where I’d really worked over the years through all of my various professional paths to expand and grow. Still, I hadn’t attained anywhere near the popularity I had with those markets in adult film or wrestling, it had come primarily from my work as a metal veejay for
Metal’s Dark Side
and my other metal-themed gigs. I had always loved the music as a fan, so it was that much cooler to be getting paid to work in a field I loved. I had had that experience in wrestling, but not as much because I had had to be the business brains as well as a performer. I was still my own best ambassador in the world of metal, but fans supported my transition from the wrestling to metal world because they knew I had a genuine love for both, and put equal heart into both pursuits! That popularity translated into my being approached at the end of August to appear on South America’s version of
Dancing with the Stars
, which I turned down at the time, along with an offer for a Latin version of
Big Brother
. Both felt wrong at the time in context of my desire to stay fullyfocused in becoming the South America’s biggest Metal Veejay, which I felt required 100% of my attention. Also, on a personal level, I felt that the way they performed DWTS in South America was a little sleazier than I wished to be associated with at that point in my career, having worked as hard as I did to move out of and away from that world. It felt like participating might have been the equivalent of doing soft-core porn as far as my credibility would have been concerned.