What They Do in the Dark (8 page)

T
O
P
AULINE, A
cataclysmic outburst of rage from Joanne was as inevitable as her eventual departure from Adelaide Road. In fact, it was difficult not to regard one as contingent on the other. Pauline didn’t consider slapped legs and pulled hair and name-calling as part of this tally; the nature of her mam’s real anger actually rendered these casual tokens of attention puzzlingly desirable. Because when Joanne decided that Pauline was a miserable little cunt, unfit to be her daughter, she punished her by refusing to speak or even look at her. She wouldn’t have her in the same room, or say her name. Then, it was as though Joanne had killed her, and Pauline was left to float around the house like a ghost, a ghost that lacked even the small consolation of being scary.

It hadn’t happened yet. Pauline was adept at reading her mother’s moods and smelling her breath, and stayed out of the way if either seemed volatile. Craig and Cheryl were too little to have learned these lessons, but although a few bruises came their way as a consequence, Pauline knew that the larger reaches of Joanne’s anger were reserved for her.

‘Where’ve you been?’

‘School.’

‘School. Read this then.’

Joanne flourished a newspaper at her. Pauline took it. The
Express
. Someone must have been to visit her mum and left it.

‘Which bit d’you want me to read?’

‘I don’t care. Any.’

Pauline never got a chance to read out loud at school. It was always the others, even if she bothered to put her hand up. She
started to read out a bit about a man who’d killed his wife with a tyre iron but Joanne lost interest after she realized that Pauline wasn’t going to make any mistakes.

‘What’s the time?’ she asked, chopping off Pauline’s flow of words like scissors.

‘Don’t know.’

There were no clocks in the house, and Joanne didn’t wear a watch. But Pauline could hear the
Nationwide
music from the telly.

‘I think it’s about six,’ she offered.

‘I’ve got to get ready,’ said Joanne, without making a move. She looked ready from the neck up, but her body was still in a bra and jeans. She lit a fag and slumped to smoke it so that her soft white torso stacked on top of itself and over her waistband. A row of lush purple bruises the shape of fingertips stood out on the flesh of her back.

‘You looking at?’

‘Nothing.’

Pauline drifted away, belatedly sensing danger. She’d been less alert to it than usual because she wasn’t feeling well. Her head was thick and her legs felt woolly, as though she’d taken too many of Nan’s pills. She’d felt sick all day as well, too sick to eat her school dinner. She staggered upstairs to her bed, which was empty of Cheryl. The candlewick bedspread had been washed, and there was a sheet. Joanne had been to the launderette. Pauline crawled beneath the covers, breathing the launderette smell and loving Joanne. When she woke hours later in the dark it was with a lurch of dread. Cheryl was in the bed with her, rolled next to her on the slack mattress, but Pauline was shivering with cold, despite the combined heat of her sister’s body and the summer air. She was about to be sick.

Their room was closest to the bathroom, and Pauline ran, but before she could reach the toilet a hideous gush of sour liquid
erupted through her mouth, splashing up from the patchy lino and over her clothes. The awful taste in her mouth, a few shuddering breaths, then the next wave assailed her, interrupted convulsively by the next, and the next. It was everywhere. She was crying now as well as shivering, and she’d shat herself at the same time as being sick. She tried to be quiet. Not because she was worried about waking anyone else in the house – she could hear voices downstairs and there was never an hour when someone wasn’t awake and about their business – but because she didn’t want to draw anyone to the scene of her shame. There were no towels to clean up the mess, and the empty toilet roll, furred with dust, mocked her from where it had rolled to the foot of the washbasin. She’d have to get the bedspread.

Still sniffling with shock and self-pity, Pauline waddled shittily back to the bedroom, where Cheryl slept on, the bedspread kicked off her. Returning to the bathroom, she retched on the landing outside, but there was nothing left to come up. She wrestled with the cover, turning the one bath tap that worked feebly on it before giving up and stuffing as much of the bedspread as she could down the toilet to get it properly wet. After a few plunges she cast it, heavy with water, on to the mess on the floor and stamped up and down its length, swabbing hopelessly at the vomit.

It wasn’t that Nan or the others minded stink and shit and mess, it was what they lived in, although even they probably drew the line at this. But Joanne would mind, she was different from the others, and Pauline knew she would blame her. Especially since she’d been looking for something to blame her for. It made it worse that she’d been to the launderette, that Pauline was covering the newly pristine bedspread with puke.

‘What’s all this in aid of?’

In her panic, Pauline’s first thought was that Joanne was wearing a swimsuit. She’d never seen her in a swimsuit.

‘I was sick.’

As soon as she spoke she couldn’t stop herself crying, as though the tears came from the same place as the puke.

‘Don’t be cross wi’ me, Mam, I’m sorry. I was sick, I couldn’t help it, I’m sorry, Mam …’ On and on she wailed, unable to stop, as though she was Craig’s age and not ten.

‘State of you. You messed yourself and all?’

Pauline continued to cry, abject, as her mother left the room. After a few seconds her tears stuttered, uncertain of the outcome. Was she being left? This would be better than she dared to hope. She reapplied herself to shoving the bedspread back and forth with her toes, sweating with nausea and effort. Joanne reappeared, wearing her plastic leather coat open over the swimsuit, which Pauline now saw was some kind of underwear which pushed up her tits and crammed in her waist, and had bits dangling off for stockings, although Joanne’s white legs were bare. She was carrying a bucket full of water.

‘Take your clothes off then. Get in the bath.’

She wasn’t angry, as far as Pauline could tell. She had the face on she wore when she had a job in hand. Pauline gestured to the stuff in the bath, an assortment which included broken-down shoes, unstapled porno mags and an ancient, flexless bar heater.

‘Well, shift it then.’

Pauline complied as quickly as she could, not wanting to shatter this fragile interlude of grace. Joanne even helped her, finding the plug in the process. She put it in the plughole, commanded Pauline to get in, and poured in the bucket of cold water. Although she was still shivering, Pauline was grateful, after all the recent weirdness her body had visited on itself, for the normality of the water shocking her skin. Joanne went off to fetch another bucketful, as Pauline tried to wash off the sick and shit. It took four buckets altogether. Joanne chucked the last one over her as she stood in the bath, like a shower, she said. Then she
brought a dry towel from somewhere and let her wrap herself in it. Throughout this, Pauline tasted the sick in her mouth and was terrified that she might vomit again. She knew how easy it would be to overtax the miracle of Joanne’s patience. But nothing happened.

Joanne followed her back to her room, told her to get back in bed with Cheryl. As Pauline climbed in she looked around.

‘Where’s the flipping blanket?’ she said.

She doesn’t know, Pauline realized. She didn’t recognize it, heaped in a corner of the bathroom floor, covered with sick and mess. And the dread came back to her, as sour as the taste of vomit.

‘I haven’t seen it,’ she lied.

‘I washed it,’ Joanne told her indignantly. ‘Put it back on the bed today.’

‘Sometimes our Craig takes stuff,’ said Pauline, faking more sleepiness than she felt. ‘It’s dead warm, any road.’

As soon as Joanne had gone and she was reassured by a few minutes of silence, Pauline was up again and back to the bathroom. She dragged the unrecognizable, stinking bedspread back and stuffed it under her bed. Anything was better than letting Joanne see what had happened. She’d be first out of the house in the morning, however ill she felt.

By the time the sun was up Pauline no longer felt particularly ill. What she did feel was starving, and she had to nick a bottle of milk from the nicely decorated house five doors down to stop the ache in her gut. After this, she distributed her soiled clothes among a few local dustbins. She’d realized on waking that she had to retain her school pinafore dress because there was nothing to replace it. But it was more badly stained than the water from the kitchen tap and a frantic rub could remedy, and she could smell herself even in the weakness of the early sunshine.

Pauline walked on to school, although it was at least an hour
before lessons would be starting. To wash the bedspread, she needed money for the launderette. Scavenging about their house before she left had only unearthed a few coppers and two five-pence pieces. The one thing all Brights took care of when they had it was money. It wouldn’t be a problem to shake some down from the littler kids in the playground, she knew. But then, cost aside, she had no idea what happened once you were in a launderette. Pauline didn’t like new environments, where it was likely she’d be disapproved of, if permitted to enter at all. She knew better than to go into a launderette unarmed with any redeeming knowledge of its procedures. Ignorance would make her stink twice as badly as she already did.

Still groggy, she slumped against one of the school gateposts and dozed in the sunshine. When she woke the gates were open, and other kids were milling through, some accompanied by parents. Pauline could see in their faces how bad she looked and smelled. She glowered back at them, defying anyone to comment. Among the arrivals was that Gemma girl, not with her mum, although Pauline had seen her mum with her at school before, always pulling and plucking at Gemma as though she was making her out of plasticine. Seeing Gemma’s round blue eyes open rounder at the sight of her, Pauline shouted ‘Fuck off!’ before another thought struck. She hopped into the playground after Gemma before she could get herself into a group with her friends.

‘Hey.’

Pauline shoved her on the shoulder, making Gemma’s perfectly divided high bunches waggle like spaniel’s tails as she turned to address the blow.

‘Leave me alone, you,’ Gemma warned.

‘I’m not,’ said Pauline. ‘I need to ask you summat.’

Gemma stopped, wrinkling her small nose.

‘Yuck. Have you been sick?’

‘Six times,’ exaggerated Pauline. ‘There were nowt to come up in the end.’

‘I got a bug one time we went to Spain,’ Gemma said, ‘and I was sick fourteen times in two days.’ She looked at Pauline’s pinafore. ‘You’ll get done for not wearing a blouse. It’s the rules.’

‘I ant got owt else.’

‘Anything.’

‘You what?’

‘You should say anything else.’

‘Do you know about launderettes?’

It turned out that Gemma did, and seemed flattered to be asked. She went quite often with her mum, she said, although now that they were in Ian’s house he had a washing machine so her mum didn’t need to go any more. Pauline recognized this as a boast, although its content was too obscure to impress her.

‘You’ll need lots of five-pence pieces. And powder,’ Gemma told her. ‘You can buy it there, but they charge a fortune for it.’

Pauline mused on this. ‘You’d better come with me.’

‘When?’

‘After school.’

‘I can’t. I’ve got ballet.’

‘Dinnertime then.’

‘We’re not allowed.’

‘They’ll only think you’ve gone home. We’ll be back for the register, it’s not like twagging.’

Pauline could see the impossibility of this in Gemma’s face.

‘You know the skellinton lady, I saw her in another film the other night,’ she lied. ‘She showed her tits and everything.’

‘She never.’

‘I’ll tell you about it later,’ she enticed, ‘if you come with me.’

‘We’ll get done.’

‘We won’t. If we do, I’ll say I made you. Please. Go on. Please. Then I’ll tell you about her.’

Gemma exhaled. ‘You really smell, you know.’

Pauline hadn’t mentioned anything to Gemma about the soiled bedspread, now waiting in a plastic bag among the lower branches of a leggy lilac bush in the Brights’ garden. So it took some persuading to get her back there before they set out again for the launderette. Gemma was very anxious, however much Pauline reassured her, that they’d miss the two o’clock register. Pauline was more anxious about being caught by Joanne retrieving the bedspread. This was unlikely, since Joanne rarely stirred before mid-afternoon. But she was very relieved once they were out of the garden and walking to the launderette a safe few streets away. Many five-pence pieces jingled in the pocket of the PE shorts she was now wearing, along with an overlarge aertex blouse similarly culled from lost property after an appalled Mrs Bream had intervened at morning assembly. Pauline had waged a campaign of terror during playtime, mindful of the fortune that Gemma had told her washing powder would cost. Throughout this, Gemma had ignored her and played two-ball with that Christina and her other snot-bag friends.