What to Expect the Toddler Years (113 page)

Even if the whining continues (and even if it threatens your sanity), don’t buckle under to the whined demands. If any giving in is going to be done, it’s best to do it immediately. Giving in after twenty minutes of incessant whining teaches your toddler that persistence is the key to successful whining—that if she just whines long enough, she’ll always get what she wants. Try to keep yourself calm in the meantime by repeating a meditative mantra to yourself such as, “I will be calm. I will be calm.”

Distract her when reason won’t work.
Distraction can often allow a toddler to stop whining without losing face. She’s whining for a trinket you’ve passed at the supermarket? Overlook the request and say, “Did you forget that we get to go to the playground this afternoon? If we don’t hurry we won’t be able to. Lisa and her mom are going to meet us there . . .” Hopefully, the diversion you create will take your toddler’s mind off the toy and switch off her whining.

Try a hug.
Sometimes, a quick cuddle or a back rub can relax your toddler out of a whiny mood. As a bonus, it may make you feel better, too.

If you can’t beat her, join her.
Sometimes the best way to end whininess is to whine along with your toddler. Say, “I feel like whining too. Let’s whine together.” It’s possible that the whining chorus will dissolve into laughter that will relieve the tension that the whining has built up in both of you.

Injecting a little silliness into the situation can sometimes also help deflate the whining. You could pretend, for instance, not to know where the whining is coming from (“Do you hear that squeaky sound? Where do you think it’s coming from?”). Proceed to check under the couch, behind the television, and in the closet before stumbling upon the source of the squeak (your toddler’s mouth, of course). If that hasn’t stopped the whining and started the giggling, offer to “fix that squeak” (an application of friendly tickling usually does the trick). A dose of good-natured reverse
psychology may also reverse the whining process (“I don’t think you’re whining enough. I think you’d better whine more.”).

Be aware that some children, however, move from whining to a full-blown tantrum with this kind of teasing. If that’s your child’s response, don’t try it again.

Help your child to verbalize.
The toddler who’s whining because she can’t express herself needs help, not a reprimand. “I know you’re upset about something. Let’s see if I can help you say what it is.” When your child is verbal enough, encourage words rather than whining: “I want to hear what you have to say, but you have to say it without whining.” If trying to get your child to verbalize her feelings only makes her more frustrated, try to distract her with a calming activity, like listening to music or a story.

Whining behavior peaks between years three and six, but many children continue to whine occasionally, especially when they are out-of-sorts. Whining is more likely to abate sooner if a child finds it ineffective and unpopular. If your toddler whines all of the time, seems generally unhappy, and none of these interventions help, talk to her doctor about the problem and what needs to be done.

“Our son gets so angry with us sometimes that we have to physically restrain him from punching or biting. What should we do?”

The first thing you need to do is recognize that anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It’s okay that your toddler feels it, and even that he expresses it.

The second thing you need to do is to relay this same message to your toddler. Let him know that feeling angry or saying you’re angry isn’t wrong, but that expressing anger in aggressive ways—such as hitting, biting, shoving, hair pulling, and parent bashing—is, and won’t be tolerated (check the index for finding advice on curbing individual behaviors).

Start teaching your toddler how to deal with his anger in more acceptable ways. When he’s angry, acknowledge his feelings (“I can see that you’re very angry with me for not letting you go to the park, and that’s okay—it’s okay to be angry”) and then encourage him to talk about them (“Would you like to tell me in words how angry you are? That might help you feel better.”) If his vocabulary is limited, as it is for many two-year-olds, help him find the words. If the frustration of searching for words just makes him madder, provide some physical outlets for anger (other than you): a pillow to punch, a bean bag to hurl, clay to pummel, an obstacle course to run in the playroom (see page 171 for more ways to help toddlers release feelings safely). An all-encompassing bear hug can also dissolve the anger in some children (as well as in their parents) and help them regain control (see page 339 for more tips on helping children regain control).

Most importantly, learn to stay calm in the face of your toddler’s anger—not only because children tend to mirror their parents’ moods, but because it’s hard to stay angry with someone who’s resolutely unruffled. Instead of responding to his anger with anger of your own, respond with, “I know you’re angry. That’s okay. I still love you.” Even a cry of, “I hate you!” isn’t reason for you to scold or punish a toddler, nor is it something you should take personally. When faced with your own anger, strive to handle your emotions in a way that sets a positive
example for your toddler (see page 751 for tips on how to do this).

If your toddler can’t seem to learn how to control his anger and/or seems angry much of the time, discuss this with his doctor.

“Whenever we go out in public, we can usually count on one thing—our daughter will throw a tantrum. She makes us look like the bad guys—it’s so embarrassing, we usually give her what she wants to keep her quiet.”

It doesn’t take long for toddlers to figure out that tantrums are most effective when they’re thrown in the most inconvenient and inappropriate locales. With parental hands and tongues tied (or at least seriously curtailed by the perceived stares and snickers), toddler kicks and screams are far more likely to yield speedy success.

What’s a parent to do? Pretending you don’t know the kid anchored to your leg and wailing for candy is always a tempting option, but one you’re very unlikely to sustain. Letting her cry it out—a reasonable plan of action at home—becomes impractical with dozens of spectators ready to shake their heads and chorus, “Tsk, tsk” at the child’s (and parents’) lack of control.

Is the only alternative to giving in to the demands of public tantrums never going out in public? No; here are some others:

Take preventive measures.
While any toddler is capable of a tantrum, a hungry, tired, bored, or overextended toddler is almost guaranteed to throw one. You can’t prevent every public scene, but you can usually prevent those triggered by a missed meal, fatigue, boredom, over-stimulation, or an overly taxing agenda. Make sure your toddler is well fed and well rested before an outing, and try not to cram in too many stops. Be fair about making the errand running more tolerable for your toddler; whenever possible, work in a trip to the playground or walk through the pet shop between the post office and the grocery store.

It may also help to have your toddler bring along a stuffed animal or doll and entrust her with the responsibility of “baby-sitting” while you shop or do errands. Not only will this give her something constructive to do (which, in itself, may make her less likely to throw a tantrum), but it will give her someone to wield power over. And feeling in control may help keep her from losing control. (For more on preventing tantrums, see page 338; for more on surviving shopping with children, see page 238.)

Reinforce good behavior.
At the end of a successful outing (even if they’re few and far between), thank your toddler for being well behaved, and tell her how much fun you had with her. You might even consider taking ten or fifteen minutes to read an extra story, listen to a tape, or play a game to show your appreciation. Don’t, however, use bribes or material rewards to exact good behavior, or your toddler may begin expecting a treat every time she behaves in a public place.

Attempt distraction.
If, in spite of your preventive efforts, your toddler starts to explode while you’re out, try a quick change of subject (“Let’s go see if we can pick out a box of your favorite cereal right now!”). Or implement an out-of-sight, out-of-mind policy by removing her from the trigger, whether it’s a bag of potato chips she’s campaigning for or the cans of tuna she’s pleading to
rearrange and involving her quickly in another activity. Distraction may allow your toddler to gracefully exit from her tantrum. For other approaches to dealing with tantrums, see page 339.

Resort to isolation.
If distraction doesn’t work, try to get your toddler to a relatively private place as soon as possible. The best way to do this is not to drag her by the hand or arm, but to pick her up—handling her firmly, but never violently. Carry her outside (where her voice will carry less) or to your car, to a restroom, a dressing room, or to your home if it’s nearby. (If you’re out with others, it may be more productive for a well-liked friend or relative to be the one to take your child out for a break; this strategy can distract from the parent–child tug of war.) If your toddler is used to a time-out, give her one in the car, a shopping cart, a park bench, or a chair in the corner of a store, but don’t leave her alone. Wait until she’s completely calm before attempting to continue your outing—and if she won’t calm down, consider ending the excursion and trying again later or another day. Speak to your child softly as you leave. This gives you the appearance of being in control—which will be good for both your child and your pride.

Ignore the audience.
Your toddler’s tantrum is between the two of you—even if it’s taking place in the middle of a crowded department store aisle. Concen trate on the task at hand—maneuvering your toddler out of her tantrum in a calm but firm manner—and mentally block out those around you. Try to take your toddler’s public displays of temper in stride (or at least pretend to)—after all, tantrums are a normal, predictable part of toddlerhood, and anyone who’s ever cared for a toddler knows that. (And those who don’t know what it’s like and still feel qualified to pass judgment on your parenting skills don’t merit your consideration.) If you can’t help being embarrassed, at least don’t let on—your child might take advantage of this weakness. And don’t bother telling her that she’s embarrassing herself—at this stage in her life, she couldn’t care less about appearances (if she did, she wouldn’t have a public tantrum in the first place).

Don’t give in.
No matter how great the temptation, and even if your toddler refuses to stop her tantrums, don’t give in to any demands. Doing so will just feed the next tantrum.

“My son is so cute when he has a tantrum—I can’t help laughing.”

Bite your tongue, pinch your arm, turn away and hold your breath—but whatever you do,
don’t laugh
. Though some toddler tantrums, particularly early ones, are impossibly, achingly adorable, they aren’t laughing matters. For some tantrumming toddlers, a parent’s laughter is insulting. The feelings of anger and frustration that have triggered the outburst are genuine; having them met with adult giggles can belittle their feelings and may even intensify them. For other children, the laughter serves as positive reinforcement of a habit parents don’t wish to reinforce. If it’s a behavior a child knows his parents think is cute, he’s likely to keep repeating it long after his parents have stopped thinking it cute.

Of course, don’t worry about the outright amusement you’ve already displayed—your toddler won’t hold it against you. But, from now on, respect his frustration and treat his “cute” tantrums as you would any other display of anger.

Webster’s Dictionary defines a tantrum simply as “a fit of bad temper.” But to parents standing by as their cheerful toddler, one moment all sweetness and smiles, suddenly transforms into a writhing, flailing mound of unrestrain ed rage, tantrums defy such simplistic definitions. Just what is this force that turns little cherubs into little monsters?

Normal, that’s what. Tantrums are a fact of toddler life, a behavior that’s virtually universal among members of the sandbox set—beginning for some tots as early as the end of the first year, peaking for most sometime in the second year, and continuing in many children until beyond age four. Toddlers aren’t “bad” when they’re having tantrums—they’re just acting their age.

There are a number of reasons why tantrums are “DC” (developmentally correct) for toddlers—a normal part of growing up:

The need to release frustration. The toddler’s strong drives for mastery and autonomy are continually stymied, either by adults or by their own limitations (being unable to complete a puzzle, button a shirt, ride an older sibling’s bike, say what they mean).