What to Expect the Toddler Years (116 page)

Keep your toddler from going over the edge. When you see your child tottering on the brink of frustration, exhaustion, overstimulation, boredom or anything else, divert attention toward something calming, soothing, or particularly interesting: a hug, a special song, a special place in the house, a special toy, a special book, a special activity, a phone call to Grandma and Grandpa.

Stick to your principles when a tantrum occurs. If you give in to a tantrum—you relent and buy the candy bar because you can’t take the screaming and the stares—you’re only reinforcing your toddler’s stratagem and setting the stage for the next tantrum.

Commend good behavior, and even behavior that’s neutral. Your toddler’s been out for an hour of errands without a tantrum? Let him or her know you appreciate the cooperation.

Try to be a model of calm. Seeing you behave in an outwardly cool and rational fashion, even when you’re angry or frustrated, will provide an excellent example for your toddler to follow.

There is no miracle elixir you can give your toddler (or take yourself), no patented parenting technique that magically makes tantrums disappear. Like most of the more trying behaviors of childhood, tantrums pass when they’re outgrown, and usually not much before.

But while it isn’t possible to vanquish tantrums altogether, it is often possible to moderate or minimize them. The following suggestions for doing so are just that—suggestions. You are likely to find that some will work better than others, and some won’t work at all. Once you’ve discovered which do the trick best, employ them whenever your toddler begins to unravel. Be sure, too, that anyone else (caregivers or relatives, for instance) who may have to deal with your child’s tantrums uses them, too:

Stay calm. Nothing fuels a toddler’s fire like a fired-up parent; seeing you lose your cool will only make it more difficult for your child to regain his or hers. A parental blow-up can also terrify a toddler, raising the specter of loss of paren tal love. Already off-balance because of his or her own loss of control, the tan trum ming toddler needs your calming influence and the reassurance of your unconditional love. And though the even-tempered approach may not be immediately rewarding, and certainly will not be easy to pull off (the temptation to toss your own tantrum in the face
of your toddler’s will always be there), you may eventually see your efforts mirrored in your child’s increasing self-control.

If, during a particularly bad tantrum or on a particularly bad day, you find yourself unable to maintain your composure when the screaming starts, don’t feel guilty, take a quick time-out (with your toddler safely in view), and employ some of the tips for cooling down that are on page 754.

Speak softly. Your screaming over the screaming will only encourage your toddler to scream louder, as he or she vies to recapture center stage. A gentle tone of voice, on the other hand, says you’re in control, which should help your toddler regain composure. Being unable to hear you over the piercing screams of the tantrum may also induce your toddler to quiet down—if only out of momentary curiosity about what you’re saying.

But don’t use a big stick. Resorting to physical punishment is a bad idea any time. Resorting to it to try to end a tantrum is a particularly bad idea. It punishes a child for something that he or she can’t control and because you too could lose control, it could end up causing serious injury.

Don’t try to reason or argue with your toddler during a tantrum. Out-of-control toddlers are simply beyond reason. Logic (“You don’t need that doll—you have one just like it at home”) is generally lost on them. Save the rational explanations for more rational moments.

Protect your toddler and his or her surroundings. The toddler who does a lot of kicking and thrashing during a tantrum could get hurt (on a sharp corner, a hard floor, or an overturned chair), hurt someone else (a younger sibling nearby or a playmate), or do damage to property (by throwing a dish, kicking a door, tearing a book, pulling down a cereal display in the supermarket). So move the child who is physically out-of-control to a setting that’s safer for everyone and everything. If you’re at home, the middle of your bed is a good location. If you’re out, try going back to the car or the stroller (and belt in). If that’s not possible, you may simply have to hold your toddler snugly to prevent injury to self, to others, or to property. Restrain your toddler, too, when he or she starts swinging at you.

Express empathy. When your toddler’s carrying on about something he or she can’t have, say, “I know it’s hard when you don’t get what you want. Sometimes I get angry when I can’t get what
I
want.”