What to Expect the Toddler Years (146 page)

Allowing for continuity.
If your toddler’s in the middle of constructing a block city or of setting up a dolls’ tea party when clean-up time rolls around, don’t insist that she put her things away if she’s not finished with them. Gently move the activity-in-progress out of traffic’s way, and let her pick it up where she left off in the morning. If she’s finished the block city, or another project, but she’s not ready to dismantle it yet, respect her desire to leave it in one place for a while. Setting aside a special area for the purpose on the floor or a small table will make this easier to do.

Sharing the task.
Remember, you’re the one who wants the room to be cleaned up—your toddler has a different agenda. It’s only fair that you take responsibility for at least some of the job. But instead of routinely doing it all for her (because you want it done quickly and you want it done well), make cleaning up her room a friendly team endeavor. Each of you can contribute your special assets to the effort (you, expertise and experience; your toddler, energy and youthful enthusiasm). Split up the tasks according to ability (“I’ll put this puzzle back together, then you can put it away; you put all the books in a pile, and I’ll put them on the bookshelf”).

Taking it one step at a time.
A room strewn with toys can be so overwhelming that it can make a toddler want to give up before she’s started. So instead of taking on the whole disaster area at once, divide it into more manageable sections—the dress-up corner first; then, the block pile; then, the clutter that’s collected on the bed. Tackling a big job in small pieces minimizes frustration and maximizes results. When supervising clean-up, hand out specific tasks one at a time, too: “Put the giraffe on the shelf, then put the piggy next to him,” rather than “Pick up all of your stuffed animals and put them on the shelf.”

Making a game of the job.
In true Mary Poppins spirit, try to turn cleaning up into a merry pursuit. Instead of snapping, “Put your toys away this minute!” playfully suggest “It’s time for the dolls to go to sleep in their beds . . . for the blocks to go into the block box and have dinner . . . for the cars to have their engines checked in the garage.” Challenging your toddler to a race she can win is another way to make cleaning up a lark (“Let’s see if you can pick up all of the doll clothes before the buzzer rings” or “Let’s see who can put the most crayons in the box by the time I count to ten”). And if you seem to be having a good time yourself (instead of nagging, whining, and complaining), you’ll have a much better chance of convincing your toddler that cleaning’s not so bad after all.

Moving the job along with a song.
Many nursery schools play or sing a special “clean-up” song that children come to associate with putting away their toys and moving on to another activity. Adopting the practice at home will give clean-up time the status of a ritual, one your toddler may even look forward to. Choosing a lively song to work by may speed up activity and thus the clean-up process.

Making the job a learning experience.
Teach colors by saying, “You put away everything that’s red, and I’ll put away everything that’s green.” Teach shapes by saying, “You put away all the round blocks and I’ll put away all the square ones.” Teach numbers by saying, “You put away one-two-three cars, and I’ll put away one-two-three-four-five cars” or “See if you can pick up all those dress-up clothes by the time I count to twenty.” Keep these clean-as-you-learn sessions fun for your toddler; if they become stressful or your toddler doesn’t seem to enjoy them, drop them and try a less academic route.

Making the job easier.
Unreachable, or otherwise inaccessible, storage makes clean-up impossible for young children. Make it easy for your toddler to help by putting toy storage space within her reach. Shelves should be low and open, bins should be shallow and removable, pegs for clothing shouldn’t be a stretch. Labeling shelves and bins with a picture and the clearly printed name of the kind of toy that belongs on it or in it will help; so will using different-colored bins for different types of toys. Avoid using one big toy chest for general toy storage; chests encourage large-scale dumping, which can result in broken toys and frustration when a toddler can’t find what she’s looking for (toy chests can also be dangerous; see page 627).

Providing grown-up equipment.
Once she’s helped put her toys away, reward your toddler with a small broom and an upright dustpan so she can “sweep” her floor. You can also supply her with her own wastebasket and hamper; if they’re colorful, she may be more likely to use them. Of course, always check the contents of the wastebasket before dumping it (it may contain keys, a wallet, several puzzle pieces, and who knows what). And be sure to sort the clothes in the hamper carefully (virtually anything can
end up there in the folds of the pajamas and T-shirts).

Acknowledging her efforts.
Even if she only puts away one crayon for every twenty you put away; even if she gets the toy bin halfway onto the shelf and it falls to the floor (scattering its contents yet again); even if she tosses her dolls in a pile instead of lining them neatly on her dresser—her effort is worth a pat on the back. With plenty of positive reinforcement (“Thank you for putting away those airplanes”) and scant negative criticism (“Why can’t you put those airplanes away neatly?”), she’ll continue to do better and better.

Not demanding perfection.
If your toddler seems to thrive on disarray, don’t insist she keep her room neat as a pin. Strike a happy medium between your standards and hers, keeping in mind that it is
her
room.

“Ever since we told our son that we’re having another baby, he’s been intensely interested in how babies are made. I’ve avoided his questions so far because I don’t know how to answer them.”

Skip the storks, can the cabbage patch, banish the birds and the bees. Experts now agree that children need real answers to questions about reproduction. No matter how young a child is, if he’s old enough to ask, he’s old enough for a straightforward answer—albeit, one that’s appropriate for his age. So:

Don’t dodge the issue.
Ignoring his questions or putting him off with “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” or “Go ask your mommy (or your daddy)” may make him think that there is something shameful about making babies, or about his curiosity. Don’t worry if you’re uptight about discussing the subject; most parents are. Try
not
to communicate your anxiety to your toddler, but don’t worry if you do. It’s better to communicate the anxiety with the facts than the anxiety alone.

Present a united front.
You, your spouse, or anyone else who may discuss the issue with your toddler should confer and agree on the approach to the subject.

Give it to him straight.
Toddlers are curious about all bodily functions. Direct, accurate information about those that relate to making babies will satisfy that curiosity. On the other hand, veiling the subject in mystery is likely to make it more fascinating—or frightening. Putting a child off with the traditional myths about conception and delivery will only confuse him now; later on, when he learns the truth, it will shake his faith in you. If you want him to continue to come to you for honest answers, you must answer honestly from the start.

Give it to him on his level.
A simple, concise explanation should suffice, and in fact, will fulfill his need to know better than a lengthy, complex one. Skip confusing analogies—stick to parents and babies. If a satisfactory explanation eludes you, try the one described below or tell your toddler, “We’re going to get a book from the library about how babies are made and read it together.” (Be sure the book you check out is geared to toddlers and young preschoolers.) And remember, he isn’t asking about “sex,” he’s asking about “reproduction,” about how babies are made.

Give him the correct terminology.
Your toddler may also be confused by euphemisms for body parts; instead use penis, vagina, uterus, ovum (or egg), sperm—unless these make you uneasy.

Give him only as much as he asks for.
Answer only the questions he asks. If he asks where the baby is, tell him that it’s in a special place where babies grow, called the uterus or womb (not stomach or tummy, since he’s bound to associate these terms with eating). Explain that as the baby grows, a woman’s middle gets bigger. Showing him pictures of what a growing fetus looks like in the uterus in a book for young children will help illustrate your words. If he asks how it’s going to get out, tell him that most babies come out through the mommy’s vagina. If he asks how it got into the uterus, say that “Mommy and Daddy love each other a lot and love
you
so much, they wanted to make another baby. So Daddy put his sperm into Mommy. And that sperm got together with a tiny egg, called an ovum, that was inside Mommy all along, and they grew into a baby.”

Explain the biological part of the process only; for now, stay away from the sexual aspects. If he asks how the sperm got into Mommy, just say, “through the vagina.” That should do it. If it doesn’t, and he persists in knowing how this neat trick was accomplished, say that “Daddy’s penis put his sperm into Mommy’s vagina. The sperm met the egg and a baby began to grow.”

Some children express no interest at all in how the baby got inside of Mommy or how it’s going to get out—they’re more concerned with what it does while it’s in there. If your toddler asks how the baby eats or breathes while it’s in the uterus, explain simply that it
gets everything it needs through the umbilical cord, which is attached to its belly button. A picture of a fetus curled up in the uterus will help illustrate this. Showing your child his own belly button—which he was once fed through—will personalize the concept for him.

Give him some perspective.
Showing your toddler photos of you when you were pregnant with him, then photos of him as a baby, will help him make some sense of the whole process.

“We’re not sure how much affection we should display in front of our son—what’s appropriate, what’s not?”

Some—but not all—of what comes naturally can be done in front of your toddler in good conscience. In fact, by showing your toddler the affection you share, you demonstrate your love in a concrete way. Having parents who openly hug, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, pucker up and kiss, indulge in the occasional pat or caress, and don’t hesitate to say, “I love you,” can increase a child’s sense of security. It also sets an important example—one he can follow in his own relationships later on. Not incidentally, such frequent shows of affection can make a marriage more secure (a plus for you
and
your child). Keeping “in touch” is one of the best ways to keep those love lights burning.

There are several cautions, however. Losing your inhibitions entirely (a casual kiss turns into a long, smoldering liplock; cuddling turns to groping; an embrace gets hot and heavy) around your toddler will confuse and possibly frighten him. Parental lovemaking is simply not appropriate viewing for children of any age. Any display that makes you feel uncomfortable is probably also inappropriate.

At one point or another, many young children become jealous of their parents’ love for each other. To minimize this reaction, be sure your toddler gets his share of hugs and kisses (assuming he enjoys them). If he seems to want to get into the act when you’re in the middle of a hug, don’t push him away. Bring him in for a family hug, but make it clear that there’s more to the family dynamic than just a threesome: “Mommy loves you. Daddy loves you. Mommy and Daddy love you. And Mommy loves Daddy and Daddy loves Mommy. And we like to hug each other, just like we like to hug you.” (For more tips on jealousy, see page 155.)