What to Expect the Toddler Years (142 page)

Yet in spite of the fact that he cries easily, a sensitive child is not unhappy. In fact, children who are supersensitive tend not only to cry freely, but to laugh easily as well. And there are other up sides to being sensitive, too: Your child is more likely to be aware of the feelings of other people and even of animals (though at this age, that kind of empathy will probably still be limited). He may also be more perceptive and observant in general, which could serve him well in countless ways throughout his life.

Whatever the reasons behind the tears, crying isn’t all bad. The crier usually feels better after a crying jag, possibly,
researchers believe, because tears help reduce the build-up of chemicals produced by the brain under stress. Some researchers have also found that people who cry are, in general, emotionally and physically healthier than those who don’t. So don’t discourage crying entirely—a toddler’s frequent crying isn’t usually a cause for concern. However, a school-aged child who always cries in response to criticism may lack self-esteem, and may require professional support.

To reduce it to a level that is more bearable for you and anyone else who cares for your toddler, however, try the following:

Be sensitive to your toddler’s sensitivity. The sensitive child feels pain—physical and psychic—more acutely than do others. Making fun of these feelings is unkind and denies their validity. And rather than making a sensitive child less prone to tears, insisting that he “tough it out” can make him feel even more isolated and vulnerable. Respond to his pain with understanding and empathy.

Nurture your toddler’s self-esteem . . . Low self-esteem can lead to heightened sensitivity and more crying. So boost your toddler’s ego every chance you get by acknowledging good behavior and accomplishments (see page 292). Be sure you aren’t demanding too much, or challenging him to perform beyond his capabilities.

. . . but don’t feed his crying. Crying should neither be rewarded (with treats, special privileges, or revocation of disciplinary actions) nor punished (with teasing, scolding, or punishment). The parental response to crying should, when possible, be neutral. Distraction may help dry the tears. If it doesn’t work, provide just a measured dose of comfort. Too much commiseration will only give your child’s crying momentum. If he seems to perk up when you give him a happy hug, use this quick and easy mood-enhancer freely.

Help him replace wails with words. Teach your toddler how to say “It hurts” or “I’m sad” when something’s bothering him; being able to express his pain clearly in words may lessen his need to cry it away.

Try to keep your own negative moods in check. Because he’s extra-sensitive, your toddler is likely to pick up on your anxiety, tension, anger, depression, or other emotions, even if you’re trying to hide them. Use relaxation techniques (see page 173) to help deal with your moods; when you’re upset, rather than trying to cover up your feelings, explain them to your child in very simple terms. He will feel better knowing rather than wondering or imagining. But
don’t
use him as a therapist and tell all. Children should not have to bear or share parental burdens; sensitive children can be emotionally crushed by even minor parental worries.

Use criticism sparingly. Whenever possible, camouflage it with praise. “You did a great job getting that sweater over your head. Let’s look in the mirror, and see if we can figure out what happened to the doggy.” When he realizes that the dog that is supposed to be on the front of the sweater is on the back, help him reverse it—if he wants to—but don’t insist. Don’t criticize a good effort, even if the results are less than what you consider perfect. For example, if he proudly tells you that he washed his own hands, don’t criticize him for getting water everywhere, but do enlist his help in mopping up.

Discipline with a light touch. To a sensitive child, a raised eyebrow or a look of shock or disappointment alone is usually enough to communicate your disapproval. Yelling, time-outs, and other more drastic punishments are not normally needed. Humor and other more gentle forms of discipline (see page 156) are likely to be much more effective (and less likely to provoke tears).

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t require a sensitive child to adhere to standards or explain to him what he did wrong, just that you need to approach discipline in a low-key manner. Be sure to make rules clear to him and to teach him the skills he needs to do things “right,” so that you can reduce the need for reprimands.

Don’t brand him for life. Tag a child “sensitive” or “crybaby” and he’ll wear that label for years to come. If you need to explain his sensitivity to others (teachers or baby-sitters, for example), do so when he’s not around.

Don’t automatically assume he’s crying “wolf.” Parents of children who cry easily often assume that there’s nothing to cry about; they dismiss the wails even before they’ve investigated their cause. Remember that even though a sensitive child may cry over a scratch, it’s important to respond, at least for a look-see, to every cry—not just for the sake of his self-esteem, but in case there’s really a “wolf” this time (for example, a serious injury).

“Our daughter always wants us to do everything her way. She bosses us around, demanding we do things for her that she’s perfectly capable of doing herself.”