What to Expect the Toddler Years (140 page)

Be wary of “using” the friend. Some parents use the imaginary friend to try to cajole their toddlers into cooperating. They may say “Dodo wants you to wear your mittens today because it’s cold” or they may ask their child to “Show Dodo how nicely you brush your teeth.” But this can backfire. Though some toddlers will play along good-naturedly when parents try to take over their imaginary playmates, others resent the loss of control over their friend and become angry or uncooperative. Use this technique only if your toddler seems not to mind.

Don’t let your toddler use her friend to escape consequences. Using an imaginary friend for support, companionship, and imaginative play is fine. But using it to avoid picking up the box of crayons she’s dumped on the floor by asserting “Dodo did it”
isn’t
. Don’t smile helplessly at this ploy, and end up picking the crayons up yourself later. Instead utter a knowing, “Ahaa,” and add, “Well, then since you’re her friend, you can help her pick them up.” If your toddler balks at joining her pretend pal in the clean-up, stop playing along and insist she do the job herself.

Provide other outlets for your toddler’s imagination. Encourage her to play pretend games with dolls (if a baby doll doesn’t satisfy her need for companionship, try a toddler-aged doll), stuffed animals, action or character figures, dress-up clothes, and puppets; if she seems unsure how to proceed, join in to get her going. Help feed her imagination by reading her books with varied characters, locales, and plots. (See page 365 for more on stimulating the imagination.)

Provide other outlets for your toddler’s negative feelings. If your child seems to use her “friend” to vent anger, jealousy, or other negative emotions, encourage her to talk about them (to the extent that she can) to you instead and to release them in other safe ways; see page 171.

Provide plenty of real-life companionship. When the imaginary friend is a stand-in for real-life playmates or for parental attention, making an effort to supply the missing ingredients may decrease a child’s need for imaginary companionship.

Remember that your child will eventually give up her pretend playmate. When she becomes more comfortable with the conventional social scene and she is better able to express herself, her need for this extra moral support will likely disappear.

An imaginary friend may sometimes give parents valuable insight into a child’s state of mind (for example, the pretend companion’s reluctance to go to day care may signal a toddler issue that needs attention). But conjuring up such a friend doesn’t, on its own, indicate an emotional problem.

If, however, your toddler becomes so consumed with, or dependent upon, her imaginary playmate that she doesn’t interact with anyone else, or if she seems withdrawn or otherwise unhappy, discuss the situation with her doctor; counseling may be needed.

“Our daughter seems terribly shy in social situations. We feel for her, but we don’t know what to do to help her.”

Next time your child’s in a roomful of toddlers, take an objective look around. Chances are you’ll notice that she’s not the only shy one in the bunch—and in fact, that many of her peers are as tentative as she is. That’s because two- and three-year-olds are rarely outgoing; most show signs of shyness at least part of the time. Some are comfortable enough with adults, but not with peers. Others are comfortable with a small group of peers, but won’t speak to an adult outside the immediate family. Still others are shy with anyone they don’t know well. By age six, about half of all children are still shy, though half of these will shed their shyness in the teen years. But in about one in five children the shyness is inborn rather than developmental; these children never completely shake shyness, though they often learn how to overcome it.

At this point, however, it’s really impossible to tell whether your toddler’s shyness is inborn or whether she’s just behaving like a typical toddler. So instead of worrying or looking for a “cure” for her shyness, look for ways of helping her to have good feelings about herself and others, and to feel positively about her interactions with both adults and children. With support, even innately shy children can grow up to be friendly, confident adults (though that shy person will probably always remain somewhere inside). You can help your child reach that goal by:

Accepting her shyness.
This can be especially hard to do if you are naturally gregarious, but especially important, too. Your child is a separate person—a twoand-half-year-old person at that—and she shouldn’t be expected to behave the way you do. Viewing her shyness as a shortcoming, and expressing even subtle dissatisfaction with her lack of social prowess, or hinting that her behavior embarrasses you, can cause your toddler to withdraw further. Instead, let her know that you love her the way she is.

Don’t label her.
Calling your toddler “shy”—when talking to her or when talking to others when she is near—will make the label stick in her mind and teach her to accept it as a fact. The label could thus perpetuate her shyness, even if it isn’t inborn. Later, it may lead her to use the label as a way of avoiding unpleasant or uncomfortable situations: “I’m shy, so I don’t have to.” Avoid pointing out or
praising more gregarious children, too, and drawing comparisons between their social performance and hers. Not only do you risk hurting her feelings, but her self-esteem as well. And lack of self-esteem can exacerbate shyness.

Understanding her.
Even if you’re not shy, “working the room” (especially when it’s a room filled with already paired-off or teamed-up toddlers) is tough. Don’t scoff at her very real anxieties and concerns; give her all the reassurance and support she needs. If she’s anxious in certain types of situations, don’t force her into them. But don’t be too quick to come to her rescue either. Give her a chance to succeed before you decide she’s going to fail.

Encouraging her.
While you shouldn’t push your toddler into social interactions, you should encourage her to participate in activities with other children, and help to break the ice, when necessary. Initially, she may find it easier to socialize with children who are a bit younger than she is (she will feel less threatened, and as the “big girl,” may feel more confident), or a year or two older (if she feels comfortable in the role of follower). No matter their ages, the playmates you select should be laid-back, rather than aggressive. You can also assist her by fostering friendships (see page 183 for tips on how to do this), building her confidence and self-esteem, helping her feel good about herself (see page 292), and by teaching her what to do when she’s anxious in a situation (think of something pleasant, or take a couple of deep breaths, for example).

Rehearsing her.
In the guise of a no-pressure game, encourage relevant role-playing. Sample scenario: A teddy or a doll is hanging around on the edge of the playground, wanting to come and play with the others, but is afraid to try. Ask your toddler for advice, and give the outsider some good suggestions for joining in, material your toddler can put to use in similar situations later on; children are great imitators. Remember to always conclude your script with a happy ending (teddy joins the group and has a great time).

Preparing her.
Some children are particularly sensitive to transitions; preparing them well for new situations or giving them a head start can help them to cope better. En route to social events—including school—with your toddler, spend a couple of minutes preparing her, so that she’ll know exactly what she’s getting into. Go over the names of the children or adults who will be there, the activities that might take place, how she will greet everyone on her arrival. But take note of your toddler’s reaction. Overpreparation can increase anxiety rather than decreasing it.

Get your toddler to school a few minutes before the other children arrive, so she can get acclimated and so she can be involved in an activity when other children arrive. Coming in late, with all eyes on you, is embarrassing even for adults. Also try to be among the first arrivals at birthday parties and at play group, rather than walking in once the fun’s begun. If you do arrive late, tell your toddler before you walk in just what she can expect and what you’re going to do (“We’re late, and the party has probably started. So we’ll take off your coat and put your gift on the table with the others. Then I’ll take you over to where the children are playing”). Once inside, follow through.