What to Expect the Toddler Years (137 page)

This “tour” approach won’t work for all toddlers. Some seem to do better if their parents drop them off and then make a hasty retreat; the longer their parents stay, the clingier they get. They can’t seem to join the group until they’re completely on their own. If that seems to be the case with your child, turn him over to a teacher, give him a quick hug or kiss (or just wave, if he prefers), and make your exit.

Make your farewell short and sweet. Once you’re ready to go, tell your toddler, in terms he can understand, when you or your caregiver will pick him up (after nap, after lunch, or after the playground), say good-bye in a lighthearted but unambiguous manner, and leave, quickly. Don’t turn back (no matter how convincingly your toddler pleads), except perhaps to wave cheerfully from the doorway. The sooner you disappear, the sooner he can start his day.

Ask a teacher to join your transition team. The transition will work more smoothly if a cooperative teacher helps out. Make sure your toddler’s teachers are aware of the problem, if they’re not
already, so that one will be ready, as needed, to assist you—whether to take your place at your toddler’s side in those first few difficult moments after your departure or to pry your toddler’s fingers off your leg so you can walk out the door. If support is not forthcoming, perhaps you should speak with the school director. As a last resort, you can look for a new school as soon as it’s feasible.

Try asking a stand-in to drop your toddler off. If your toddler is clingy no matter what you do, have someone else (your spouse, a relative, or a friend) drop him off instead. Separating from you at home may be easier.

Pick him up on time. Eventually, this will relieve him of the daily worry that you might not actually show up. And don’t bring up the morning’s scene (if there was one) on the way home. Instead, talk about the fun things he did all day and what he’s going to do when he gets home.

Occasionally, there’s an underlying reason when a child doesn’t want to go to school. It may be illness (check for signs, such as fatigue, irritability, pain), change or undue stress (a new baby, for example), or a problem at school (an inappropriate program or an incompatible teacher; see page 822). If you think one of these problems may be operative, deal with it as soon as possible.

“The teacher at our son’s preschool says he’s perfectly behaved there, and that she never has any problems with him. But as soon as he gets home, he starts bouncing off the walls. Why?”

Often a toddler who manages to stay centered long enough to be a model student quickly unravels once he’s safely home. This letting loose when school lets out isn’t usually a reflection of a parent’s inability to control the child (or of the child’s lack of self-control), but of several other factors: For one, transitions are often difficult for a young child; the change of pace and locale from school to home may be hard to handle. For another, the structured day at school focuses and directs energies in positive ways; returning to the relative absence of structure at home can leave him at loose ends. For still another, the comparative quiet of home may be jarring after hours of constant activity and stimulation. And probably most important of all, many children are more comfortable acting up at home, where they feel secure that someone will love them no matter what they do, than at school, where they don’t feel that absolute security. After a long morning or afternoon on best behavior—no small strain for a two-year-old—it’s a relief to be able to let it all hang out.

There are certain advantages to having a child who takes his walks on the wild side at home instead of at school—for example, you don’t get calls from irate parents of classmates who have had run-ins with your child and parent-teacher conferences tend to be more pleasant. But if it’s a challenge keeping the advantages in perspective when your “model student” is busy climbing the walls of your living room, try these tips for taming the after-school energy in your toddler:

Stay after school.
When you pick up your toddler at school, don’t just grab his things and rush out the door. Instead, ask him to show you some of the day’s accomplishments; take time to admire his finger painting, the puzzle he finished, or the collage the whole class put together. Or, if his teacher doesn’t object
to your staying in the room a few minutes longer, sit down with him in the story corner and read him a quick book. This may help him bridge the formidable gap between school and home and make the transition smoother. En route home, talk about what’s on the schedule for the rest of the day. If someone else is picking your child up at school, have him or her follow the same routine.

Bring along a pick-him-up snack.
Sometimes, hunger brings out the beast in a child. And if all he’s had since leaving home is a graham cracker or a few apple slices and juice, it’s possible that a high-protein, complex-carbohydrate snack (a cheese stick and a whole-wheat roll) will bring out the calm you crave in him. Administering the snack on the way home will ensure that it kicks in by the time you reach your doorstep.

Consider a side trip.
Making a stop at the playground on the way home to let your toddler run off some of the energy he’s pent up during preschool may reduce his need to release it once you get home.

Structure his homecoming.
Providing a supervised activity, similar to the ones he’s involved in at preschool, is another way to ease his reentry into home life. So before you start tackling lunch or dinner or answering phone calls, try sitting down together with a book, a tape, a puzzle, or a toy—anything that allows you and your toddler to share a little special time.

For more tips on hectic homecomings, see page 271.

Popeye said a mouthful when he proudly proclaimed, “I yam what I yam.” Yet the question remains, what made Popeye what he was? Was his identity preordained by his genetic blue-print—or was it molded from the cradle on? Was Popeye born to be the tenacious bully beater that he was? Or was his persistent persona a product of his environment?

Chances are, if “toons” are anything like their human counterparts, the responsibility for Popeye’s temperament, for his strengths and weaknesses, falls more heavily on the side of genetics, though environment certainly plays a part as well. Most experts agree that each baby is born with a predetermined temperament and set of talents. And, as any parent of more than one child knows, no two children, even in the same family, are alike. One may turn out to be very good with numbers, another may be a whiz with words. One may be shy, another outgoing. One may be a natural athlete, another a natural klutz; one compulsively neat, another a happy slob. While these traits can be influenced in some ways by the home environment and other environmental factors, they are usually inborn.

As biological children grow and develop, you will be amazed to see certain traits—traits you see in yourself or your spouse, your parents, your siblings, or your in-laws—emerge in different
combinations. (Of course, adopted kids have
their
parents’ traits, but you won’t necessarily know the antecedents.) Some may be traits you’re delighted to see carried on, others may be traits you wish had been lost for good. Either way, there is little you can do to alter the inborn nature of your offspring, although you—and teachers, friends, life events, and other factors—will modify it somewhat.

Accepting the fact that a child is what she or he is makes for happier and more productive adults in the long run. To help your child make the most of inborn abilities:

Shed those expectations.
You expect a “typical” boy to be athletic; yours turns out to be a bookworm. You expect a “typical” girl to be nurturing; yours turns out to love her blocks far more than her dolls. So what? Rid yourself of any preconceived notions of what children
should
be like, and expect yours only to be the best they can be—at being themselves.

Don’t place blame.
Since children come by their traits by chance, not by choice, don’t punish or criticize them for being who they are. Nor should you blame yourself, your spouse, or any other family member your child seems to take after.

Resist labeling.
Anyone who’s ever had one affixed knows only too well that labels stuck on in childhood are hard to peel off later. Toddlers tagged “shy” are likely to always doubt their social capabilities; those branded “aggressive” are likely to push and bully their way through life.

Accept without exception.
Work at understanding and accepting your child’s inborn temperament and talents. Take them into account—when making plans, disciplining, buying gifts, deciding on child care (see page 804). Don’t push the shy child to be the life of the party or throw a wet blanket on your high-spirited youngster. Don’t try to change the musician into a scientist or the scientist into a musician.

But do direct and modify natural tendencies.
Just because a child is born with a tendency to be shy doesn’t mean he can’t gain confidence and learn how to socialize comfortably (see page 183). Just because a child’s got endless energy, she doesn’t always have to be in hot water; her energies can be constructively channeled into sports or dance or other acceptable, active activities. The child who has trouble with numbers may never earn a Ph.D. in math, but he can be helped to succeed at arithmetic in school, to learn how to count his change, balance his checkbook, and keep a budget. Whatever the inborn traits, parental nurturing can influence how a child ultimately turns out.

Viva those differences . . .
Like hair color, musical talent, or scientific genius, personality isn’t always passed on in straight lines—which is why children can be so different from their parents or their siblings. Celebrate the differences, instead of wishing that your toddler was more like you, your spouse, or another family member.

. . . and those similarities.
Sometimes, there’s even more potential for conflict when a child is too much like a parent than when he or she is diametrically different. If your child has inherited an aspect of your personality with which
you
haven’t yet come to terms (you’re painfully shy, and you’ve always hoped your child would be outgoing), accept it. And work at accepting yourself so that you can better accept your child.