What to Expect the Toddler Years (133 page)

Don’t feel guilty. By helping your child learn to sleep on his own again, you’re not just ensuring a better night’s sleep for yourself. You’re teaching your toddler to cope on his own and comfort himself; these skills can help raise his confidence level across the board.

“While our daughter was young and I was breastfeeding, the idea of a family bed seemed appealing. It meant I didn’t have to get up to nurse or to comfort her when she awoke. But now that she’s two and a half, it’s getting a little crowded. Is it time to end this arrangement?”

The family bed has its supporters: Parents who wouldn’t want any other sleeping arrangement, who value the joy of family togetherness that they experience sleeping
en famille,
and who are happy to avoid the ordeal of letting a baby cry it out or of climbing out of bed several times nightly to return a wandering child to her own bed. And certainly there are numerous societies where sleeping as a family is the rule, not the exception.

Still, there’s no denying that three can make a crowd. Three can also make for a lot of other problems. Researchers have associated co-sleeping with several potentially negative side-effects, including:

Less sleep for parents.
Between trying to avoid being kicked or poked by a little set of arms and legs and trying to avoid rolling over on their small bedmate, most parents find it difficult to get a good night’s sleep.

More sleep problems for children.
Instead of solving sleep problems, as parents hope, the family bed generally compounds them. Children who sleep with their parents wake more often than children who sleep alone. In addition, they don’t learn how to be content in their own beds or to fall back to sleep on their own—vital skills for a lifetime of restful nights.

Less lovemaking for parents.
Sleep isn’t all that stands to be lost in the family bed. Parental privacy and intimacy can be compromised, too. Romance can be difficult enough to preserve with a young child in the home; a child in the bed can make that goal nearly impossible. And lovemaking isn’t the only pleasant pursuit put at peril; having a child in bed interferes with other kinds of adult intimacy, such as private conversations and relaxing snuggling.

Possibly, more separation problems.
Some researchers suggest that the child who sleeps in the family bed may have trouble detaching, both physically and emotionally, from her parents and seeing herself as an independent person. They also suspect that some co-sleepers suffer from separation anxiety longer than do other children. For the older toddler, peer teasing (“Jesse doesn’t have her own bed!”) may affect self-esteem.

Possibly, less daytime attention.
Sometimes, working parents promote (or at least permit) the family bed as a way of compensating for inadequate time spent with their child during the day. Then, feeling less guilty because they have nighttime togetherness, they make less of an effort to try to make extra time for daytime togetherness. And everybody loses. (For better ways of making time for your toddler, see page 770.)

A difficult time of reckoning.
Since sleeping with older children is culturally inappropriate, parents who choose the family bed have to decide when to tell their child she has to move to her own bed. The older the child, the more ingrained the habit, and the more difficult the transition may be.

If you think the time for transition is now—and it sounds as though you do—use the steps recommended for switching a child to a bed of her own (see page 318). Introduce your toddler’s bed with great fanfare. Then institute a bedtime ritual that cozily beds her down in her new quarters. Alter your present bedtime ritual somewhat, so that the old cues that led to your shared bed will not be triggered. If your toddler cries when you leave her, sit or stand next to her bed (but don’t lie down with her) while she falls asleep. After a few nights, advance to leaving before she’s soundly asleep; a few nights later, go while she’s just drowsy. Finally, leave while she’s still awake. If she cries, try offering comfort at intervals (see page 66). If she attempts to come into your bed in the middle of the night, try the tips recommended on pages 382–83 for dealing with nocturnal visits.

If you discover you miss the togetherness of the family bed, invite your toddler into your bed for an early-morning cuddle, every day or on weekends only, depending on your schedule.

“Our son gets so upset when he’s drawing or building with blocks and he can’t get something just the way he wants it, that he starts to cry. How can I prevent his frustration?”

With their desires often exceeding their abilities, frustration is a fact of daily life for toddlers. And though frustration may sometimes upset both the toddler and his parents, a certain amount is actually necessary to spur a child on to achievement and progress. So while trying to protect yours from all frustration may be a normal parental impulse, it not only deprives your child of this impetus to succeed, but ill prepares him for life in a world that’s fraught with frustration. A child needs to experience some frustration in order to learn how to deal with it and use it in a constructive way.

Yet it’s true that when a child is two and a half years old and hasn’t yet developed strong coping skills,
too much
frustration can thwart progress and make the hurdles seem too overwhelming to attempt. It can also trigger tantrums. To minimize frustration in your toddler’s daily life:

Select toys to scale.
Even the brightest of children can become overly frustrated when toys are not appropriate to his age and size. Select playthings that challenge your toddler but won’t be very much beyond his capabilities.

Create a can-do environment.
You can minimize frustration overload by making sure that your toddler can successfully manipulate his immediate environment. For instance, provide him with a step-stool so he can easily reach the sink, a child-sized hairbrush so he can brush his own hair, sneakers with Velcro closures so he can get his shoes on and off independently.

Teach skills.
The world is much less frustrating when you have the skills to face everyday tasks. For a toddler, that means knowing how to pick up and put away toys (see page 417), how to use art materials, how to put together a construction set, how to get his clothes on. Patiently teach your toddler how to do for himself rather than always doing for him and you will model independence and self-reliance as important values.

Respect his frustration.
If your toddler is frustrated because the blocks keep tumbling down, don’t pat him on the back with a patronizing “It looks fine just the way it is.” It doesn’t look fine to him; by disputing his appraisal, you’re insulting his judgment. Praise his efforts and validate his frustration (“You worked really hard at building that house, and it keeps falling down. That must make you feel angry”).

Don’t add to his frustrations.
Constant criticism and overly high expectations (see page 454) only compound frustration. Your child’s trouble meeting his own expectations is trouble enough; he shouldn’t feel he has to live up to yours, too.

Mete out help judiciously.
If your toddler seems to want to work a problem out for himself, don’t butt in. Always solving his problems for him will lead him to ask for help before he’s even tried. But if he seems frustrated and in need of help or actually asks for aid, offer it without taking over the task. Instead of stepping in and rebuilding his block tower your way (“You see, this is how you do it”), help him to redirect his own efforts (“Let’s see, how can we keep that tower from tumbling down again? Do you think it would work better if you put this bigger block under the little blocks?”). Place that puzzle piece in his hand at just the right angle, so
he’ll
be able to fit it in. Loosen the jar a little so he’ll be able to have the satisfaction of opening it himself. Even if you end up doing most of the job yourself, make sure he does enough himself to take pride in his accomplishment.

Support him if he wants to try again . . .
Offer plenty of encouragement and
praise: “I think it’s great that you try so hard, and that you don’t give up. You’re a very hard worker.”

. . . but if he wants to quit, let him.
Avoid pressuring him to make another attempt (“Try that again. I know you can do better”). Quitting is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with an overload of frustration, especially at age two. Knowing
when
to quit is an important skill at any age. So if your toddler decides he doesn’t want to keep trying—even if he wants to knock down the tower or tear up his drawing—don’t stop him. Let him know you are proud that he tried so hard, but that it’s okay to stop trying. Leave the door open, however, for trying again another day: “Maybe we can try that again together another time.” If he seems to need comfort and reassurance on abandoning his project, by all means offer it.

Watch for storm signals.
Frustration can sometimes become so intense that it sets off a tantrum. Try to step in before this happens; give your toddler a bit of help (if he’ll take it), or get him to move from the frustrating activity to something less difficult, or simply to a more passive, relaxing activity—such as listening to a story or a tape.

“Since she isn’t satisfied with the way she draws or works a puzzle or puts on her socks, my daughter always wants me to do things for her. It’s the same way with everything. I’m afraid she isn’t going to learn how to do things for herself.”

It’s very frustrating when small hands can’t execute what growing minds envision. Some toddlers deal with this frustration by accepting their limitations and moving on to something else, some by expressing their frustration (as a tantrum or by whining, for example), still others by passing the crayon—or the shovel, or the socks—into hands they believe more capable. In this case, yours.

It’s often a future perfectionist who chooses this route to frustration relief; since her sensitive esthetic sense tells her that grown-ups produce a better product, it seems logical to have adults do for her rather than to try doing things herself. Sometimes, this perfectionism is part of a child’s nature, and sometimes it’s bred by the pressures of parents expecting more than their child can deliver. So be sure you’re not pushing too hard or setting unrealistic standards (see page 81). Don’t buy toys or suggest activities that are way beyond your child’s ability. And don’t criticize her for failing to perform or achieve at any particular level. Whether you’re a toddler or an adult, constant censure can damage self-esteem, hurt feelings, and engender a fear of trying.

If you aren’t inadvertently perpetuating your child’s fear of trying, she will eventually tire of sitting by as spectator. When she feels more confident, she will start doing for herself. In the meantime, encourage her participation:

Ask for her opinions.
If your toddler has commissioned a beachscape, ask her to describe the scene while you draw it. When she runs out of ideas, help stimulate new ones (“Do you think there should be a little girl here? What color hair should she have? What could she be doing?”). Ask her which puzzle piece you should try to put in next. And get her advice on whether her socks should be pulled straight up, or folded down.

Give her lessons.
Your toddler may hesitate to try because she doesn’t know how. In a low-pressure way, show her how to hold the crayon, hold the sock
open for her toes, match the puzzle piece for color and shape.

Invite her to assist.
Ask her to color in the sun or the waves on the beachscape, or put in the final puzzle piece, or pull her socks up. If she’s resistant, don’t push. But continue to present opportunities for her to try her hand in small ways that offer her safety and success.

Also make sure your toddler gets plenty of chances during the day to “help” you with simple tasks she is capable of completing. Let her retrieve a book you dropped on the floor, unload cans from the shopping bags into a low cupboard, help you load the laundry into the washing machine or pull it out of the dryer, hold the door open for you while you navigate the stroller through, carry a small item when you’re overladen with packages. Assisting you will help her develop the self-confidence she needs to take on tough tasks on her own.

Commend small contributions as well as large.
When she colors in a blue sky in your drawing or gets the last puzzle piece in by herself or manages to get her toes in her sock before giving up and handing the job over to you, applaud her work. If she carries a cup of juice most of the way from the counter to the table before stumbling and spilling it, compliment her with “That’s great, you carried it almost the whole way,” rather than criticizing her with “Can’t you go two steps without spilling?” Voicing your appreciation of her efforts will boost her ego while prodding her to try harder next time.